Email from my ex husband...

[Arlanymor]

Dear Arlanymor, sincerely hope you are well. I need to know the date of our wedding because I have to fill in an X form. Are you able to remember please? Best regards, Ex Wanker.

Sent to my WORK email. Which means he had to look it up online.

I divorced him for adultery nearly two decades ago now. Also the clue is in 'our wedding' isn't it? You were there on the day dickhead. We haven't been in contact since 2019 when he kept coming up as having looked at my profile on LinkedIn and I got in touch via their messenger to ask him not to.

This has got me so angry. "Oh Arlanymor - do me a favour please? Even though I am a cheating arsehole and should be able to fill in forms without bothering/the assistance of my ex-wife." The date is on the decree absolute you absolute toilet goblin.

FUMING. FUMING. FUMING.

Not holding on to rage - barely thought about him in two decades - it's the instigation of new rage at this latest behaviour. I think that's normal - I get cross when people act in dickish ways, it's no different with him.

I get it Arlanymor. Please rickroll him.

If he is it will be his third! I don't think it's that to be fair.

Giving him the correct date would make me unhappy - why should I?

It's not 'still' having this reaction - it's a reaction to a wanky bit of behaviour. The same as if someone else behaved in a bad way and it would rile me. I think it's fucking bloody cheeky and I don't think I am wrong or somehow 'not healed' to feel that way.

I haven't thought about him in forever - I am allowed to be angry at crap behaviour - that's a no brainer. I don't wake up every day cross at him - he's just done something wanky and it's normal to feel cross at that.

Don't give him the correct date, just don't reply at all and ignore his email completely.

Giving a snarky response sounds funny on paper but in reality is cringeworthy and hands him back all the power as he says to himself "she is still affected by me." Deafening silence is more powerful. Leave him wondering.

I say this as someone that replied to an email from my ex years ago and sincerely wish I'd ignored it and not given him the satisfaction of any reply.

No I didn't spend the evening thinking about it - I was at a social activity. I owe him nothing, not a date, not pleasantries, nothing.

I completely agree with this take on things. Also understand where you’re coming from, @Arlanymor, which is why I think marking the email as spam and deleting it is the way to go. Going to the trouble of finding your work email address but not bothering to do the logical thing of looking up Births, Marriages and Deaths online is ridiculous behaviour on his part, but whatever’s behind it, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of any kind of response.
I’d be interested to know what you decide to do in the end.

Morning all - really appreciate your responses. To answer issues raised throughout the thread.

1. Remarriage - he's already done that, I don't think it's about this, it's a military clearance issue and I don't think he is making it up, I think he genuinely does need to know it.
2. If he's gone to the trouble of finding out my work email then he could very well have found out this information himself and that's what he is going to do - I am NOT going to tell him, based on his behaviour and utter cheek.
3. I rarely think about him, I don't spend my life in sackcloth and ashes - but his name randomly popping up in the middle of a stressful work day put a jolt of shock through me and made me understandably angry - before this I have barely even thought about him in the past two decades.
4. We have an info@ WORK email address - shared by most of our team - and I wouldn't put it past him to try and contact me in that way if I don't reply - so to save that happening I will reply, this is what I intend to send:

I don't remember either.

Four words, that's it.

If I was thinking straight and felt like being decent, I’d just ignore him completely.
If I felt like retaliating in some way, I’d probably be brief and literally just say you had no idea.
I certainly wouldn’t be doing his admin work for him!

I don’t remember either is absolutely the very best response you could give!

Brava @Arlanymor

Perfect answer

Yes, perfect answer. I hope you can send that and just forget about it now, but I do understand your annoyance, what cheek he has!

I promise by the weekend it will all be well in my rear-view mirror - it was just the abject cheeky fuckery out of the blue!

He still needs you for wifework all these years later. A wedding date is just life admin to him and you’re the one responsible for that - as is his current wife, no doubt. Just don’t reply.
And if a tiny, tiny percentage if you is thinking - but what if this is an excuse for him to reach out to me. So what? He’d only be doing that for nefarious reasons e.g. split with current wife.

I'm reminded of what Marti Caine used to say, "I can remember my wedding day like it was yesterday. I wish it was tomorrow though so I wouldn't go"

@Arlanymor I would have had exactly the same reaction as you if my ex had emailed me with such a request. He has remarried but we have 3 now adult children together for who I provide a home base. So I do still have to see him when he picks on or other of them up for something and I hate it. We had a very amicable and emotionless (on his side) divorce - I still wonder if he gets emotional about anything - but he's a twat of the highest order who has rewritten our marriage and now says he hated so many parts of it i wonder why he stayed for 20 years.
I wouldn't respond to your own toilet goblin - its amazing how emails from unknown sources go straight to junk isn't it!!!

Good for you Op, it's been a long time since you divorced so your days as his PA are long gone

It’s a shame that you have to reply at all, completely ignoring would be best. But I do understand you don’t want him trying the other email so want to pre empt that, in which case your reply is perfect. I can’t decide if he just believes you should still be doing wife admin for him, or it’s some kind of power play to see if you’ll jump when he says so. Though maybe those two are the same thing. Either way, he’s a dick.

Dude, we divorced in 1994. My days as your social secretary are long gone.

I hope you’ve ignored him OP.

I don't think I was particularly rude, and certainly no ruder than you were yourself in your original.

Perhaps something is lost in written form or perhaps you take exception to, "nonsense"?

Either way, I'm afraid I stand by my post - form and substance - so we shall have to agree to disagree on all fronts!

Omg the sheer projection and therapy talk on this thread!

The OP is angry that her cheating toilet goblin ex husband is treating her with disdain, expecting her to find answers for him that he can and should do himself.

It doesn't mean that she hasn't healed, it means she angry now that he thinks it's ok to swan back in and say service my needs woman!

Women are allowed to be angry, we don't need to heal ourselves from perfectly valid reactions.

@Arlanymor

For the expenditure of a few ££ he can get a copy of your the marriage certificate from registry of births marriages and deaths [or whatever it may be now called]