Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

You don't understand coerced sex. For sex to be consensual, the other person needs freedom to consent. You don't have freedom to consent when you are being constantly harassed to give in.

Giving in to sex after being ground down is rape.

Or let’s spin it.

He doesn’t want the marriage to end. He knows she might leave if he cuts off sex. So he dangles it like a carrot, having sex just enough to keep her coerced into staying in a marriage where really she isn’t loved and cared for.

And you don’t understand the human brain.

That's not a very good counter argument. Though when you think about it, why are you trying to justify rape?

Literally all human behaviour could be pigeon holed into coercion. My husband is horny. He knows I’m not. He buys me gifts. Cooks me dinner. Gets me in the mood. Coerces me into a place where earlier in the day it was a definite no.

Humans coerce. It’s simple.

But this specifically the OP has not been honest. She has said that. She has a man who values sex who she is coercing into staying into that marriage by sometimes saying no then yes then no and no but never actually telling him the reality of the marriage he is in. There are, as I’ve said, layers to this. It is possible for women to be assholes and recognise that and then change their mind because they own it. It’s also possible for menopausal women to own that their dwindling sex drive doesn’t mean when they can actually bothered they don’t enjoy it. And it’s possible to do things and enjoy it that really you aren’t that bothered about to make someone else happy.

Like I said it’s not straightforward.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Presumably it depends on the man. DH is in his mid 60s and his (high) libido doesn’t show any signs of dwindling.

Nah you can't spin it that way. He's not the one saying "do this thing you don't want to do or I'll leave." He is just not doing something he doesn't want to do. Just as, if she left, she wouldn't be manipulating him - she'd be taking responsibility for her own 'deal breaker' instead of making it his problem.

Especially in this gender flip actually. For women, sex is not hard to come by. If she leaves her husband she is not going to have to go without. You could argue that for men, sex is at a premium and therefore if sex is their priority leaving a stable relationship with very little sex may not be the best way to go about getting more. But for the poster, she can leave her husband and get much more sex pretty much whenever she chooses. There is no 'carrot' to dangle. Even if he was having sex with her a lot more often, their monogamy is still actually inhibiting her from getting all the sex she could be getting, if that's her main priority.

Anyway, even if you do spin it that way, and he's the manipulator - apparently she still wants sex with someone who doesn't want it, and who she knows doesn't want it. That, IMO, makes her a pretty dreadful person.

It is straightforward. You're talking about changing your mind, she's talking about being bullied into something she doesn't want to do.

Coerced sex in this case is not having the freedom to refuse. The OP is subjected to a relentless harassment campaign until she gives in.

Your example is someone changing their mind about sex and consensually agreeing to sex. There is no comparison.

None of those things are coercion, they're persuasion. As you say, he is trying to get you in the mood, not trying to get you to submit to his desires irrespective of your mood. It only becomes coercion when he says 'you have to have sex with me now, I did all those nice things for you!"

Have you thought about why your sex drive is so low?
Are you not attracted to him?
Are you not attracted to men?
Is it hormone related?
Is it mental health related?
Is it work related?
There's lots to explore but you're clearly not happy with things as they are.

We have established you are not good communicators.

If you don’t want to have sex anymore and are fine with him having sex with other people then this sounds like the worst way to address it. You said something obviously in frustration which would be a free pass to cheat and you want him to take that as an offer? I’m not sure if you do love him still and would still want affection excluding sex.

You need to sit down and have a conversation where you set out that you have serious issues with sex now and have lost all interest, you can’t see that changing. However, you recognise that you should not trap him in a sexless marriage but also are not looking to get divorced. Then say you want to offer him the option of opening the marriage on his side, point out this is not you wanting to go elsewhere for sex as you have lost interest. If you do still love him and still want non-sexual affection say that too.

You may want to do this with a councillor in a therapy setting or just when you both have a clam time together and not a time where the topic of sex will come up. Then suggest researching and coming up with how it would work.

You need to know what you want and what you are willing to risk, but this is not a sustainable situation.

My dads 79 and still actively horny!

And the OP’s partner isn’t saying that.

You can keep going all day but as he is not informed of the situation he is due to deceit from the OP he cannot act with knowledge. She needs to be clear and honest.

Yes generally it dwindles when there is a medical issue.

Dealing with the situation is required, not hoping for a future medical issue.

Yeah God forbid he employ a bit of deduction and think "my wife never initiates, always refuses when I initiate, only sometimes eventually agrees after I moan for ages. Doesn't evince any pleasure when we do. Hmm, I wonder if maybe she doesn't want to be having sex?"

A marriage where both people are miserable by choice might be a first lol.

No I don't want to - is pretty clear and honest.

When she is not telling him never he isn’t going to work it out. How brutal is that? My wife never wants to be affectionate with me. Imagine your husband looking you in the face and telling you that. Imagine knowing this. That your husband. The man you married. Is actively not interested in any intimacy with you ever.

Again. It’s not as straightforward as people are making out.

Ewww, how do you even know that? 😂

God forbid that people are expected to communicate!

she has an issue where it is causing her distress and your answer is "well he should deduce what she thinks."

Well he obviously hasn't so far and both sound miserable. So perhaps trying the revolutionary approach of communicating may help make progress.

She has communicated plenty. Read the OP's posts. He knows she doesn't want it. He knows she is only doing it to serve his needs. And he bloody well knows fine well what 'no' or 'not now' means, but on a regular basis he is pushing past those very clear statements and begging, pleading etc until the OP gives in. What is the point of communicating any further when he clearly doesn't give a damn what she says?

How is that enough in a marriage?

Imagine your partner suddenly never wanting sex and you just don’t know why. It’s not because they’re sick, it’s not because they’re having an affair - they just stopped wanting you and you have no clue if it will ever change and you’re just expected to… wait?

I’m sorry but it’s disingenuous. OP needs to tell him the truth and then he can decide if he wants to stay married or not. Telling him to wait for her to come to him (in a month? Two months? A year?) is ridiculous.

His partner has Alzheimer’s and it’s an issue.

Man here,
Keep saying no and it will soon die out. I gave up a long time ago, I did want it all the time but the constant resentment has killed my want to even try, at this point you would be where you want to be.

On a side note. No does mean no nowadays and he can't push it as others have stated it's abusive.

There are two issues here and some people appear confused.

One is a husband who finds himself in a sexless relationship and has no idea why. He asks his wife and she doesn't respond and he has no clue what's going on. Yes, she really should communicate with him.

Two is a husband who won't take no for an answer. His wife has turned him down for sex and he relentlessly harasses and bullies her into giving in. He knows his wife doesn't want to have sex because she said no but he has sex with her anyway.