Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

[Crikey85]

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

• tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
• remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
• tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
• fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
• if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
• commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

Sorry but that all sounds pretty normal and caring of them. You sound like you have an opinion and are twisting everything to fit it. Just let them get involved when they're there, sounds like they just want to be engaged with your kids.

why have you given them keys to your house? I would ask for them back as they came in looking for shed keys. Some of the comments need to be ignored by you really. They probably mean well. Or calmly state you will be doing the parenting your way. Can you see a bit less of them? Doesn't seem a great idea to go on holiday with them.

This sounds nightmarish to me. I'd be dialing back the time with them. Holidaying without your husband is clearly a big no no. Let him sort them out while you get a break. If they start questioning your parenting have a stock phrase to use e.g. I know you mean well but I'm the parent now Frank. Let's talk about something else, shall we? . And repeat.

I think some of the examples sound mildly irritating as can often be the case of close relatives you are not blood related to. But none of it sounds targeted at you or malicious. It sounds like well intentioned helpful grandparents who are sometimes not getting it quite right. It sounds to me more like your own insecurities about yourself, yourself as a parent or your relationship with your own close family are clouding your judgement a bit at the moment and making you feel attacked and criticized. That must feel terrible but i dont see that from your examples myself. Id take a little space, decrease the frequency a little and try to figure out what nerve it is they are hitting and why.

A lot of this sounds like a nightmare.

One thing I will say, as a grandparent, I find myself fussing over safety of my grandchildren more than I did my children and hear myself saying "be careful" and the like constantly. I just don't have the same confidence and really close understanding of their exact current capabilities as I did my children, if that makes sense? Eg my children I knew exactly if they were ok climbing up a climbing frame, jumping on and off something etc because I was with them all the time. Grandchildren, might change week to week and if I've not taken them to the park for a month I'm not up to date enough to have the parents confidence.

I would find all that frustrating too OP, it sounds too much. My in laws can be a little like that, very over involved, telling me what to do and sometimes treat me and my partner like we are children. They have an opinion on everything we do, always like to make “suggestions” and think because they are older and have lived longer, they know best. I get really irritated. But in the same breath, tney are kind, generous, and would do anything for us. They’re just a lot.
Sounds like you spend an awful lot of time with yours, just been on holiday and now on a day out at the museum? Is there possibility to dial back a little?

Most of that sounds like standard grandparent behaviour. I think the key problem here is the amount of time spent together. I think 90% of people would be fed up with their in-laws after a week away with them.

You seem to value what you bring to your family generally, you just need a break from them.

They sound a bit much but they are similar to my in-laws. I think maybe you just don't like them?
Imagine one day your son having a baby, imagine how excited you would be to take care of them and push the pram and dote after them, that's all they are doing. They wouldn't have even thought about you or how good or bad a mother you are so try not to take it personally.
Yes they are a bit annoying sounding so just don't have any holiday time without your husband. Also maybe really ask yourself if it's really too hard for you to give up some of your matriarch position when they are around?

The only weird one there is going into your house to get the shed key. All the rest is just normal caring, if mildly irritating if you're feeling sensitive, grandparent stuff.

Just wanted to say don’t Beat yourself up OP, you sound so stressed that you feel this way but you can’t help it. I completely get what you mean in a lot of respects. We have always spent a LOT of time with widowed MIL (she had DH old and most of her friends have great grandkids whereas she has a toddler grandchild IYSWIM), I love the relationship she has with my dd but I admit I’ve snapped at her before - it’s natural when spending too much time with someone, some of my friends cannot believe how much we see her, she even came to a birthday party of one of our friends kids (DH childhood friend so they did know her) and people were like wow you have the patience of a saint 😂 it just makes you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing especially when the kids are being testing. Your DH really should have your back , I am in a good place where I have openly said to mine that I feel that his mum thinks I’m crap at everything and he has pulled her up a few times since. For example this week , 18 degree and sun, asking if I’m taking DD’s winter coat - MIL feels cold so she assumes I’m being forgetful, when really it’s warm enough just for a cardigan. She then says ‘it’s not as warm as you think you know!’ With a wry grin like I’m going to regret my decision. I have learned to be v bright and breezy - ‘oh that’s ok, MIL, I’ve shoved an extra hoodie in so if it is a bit chilly she’ll be fine’ or ‘oh it’s not winter coat weather, all her nursery pals have been in their summer dresses all week!’ I also find it helps to acknowledge they’re good at something such as ‘go to nana Shes the best at reason this Bluey book!’ Or ‘you know nana is the best one to do baking with!’ ‘ in reality you could read the book or bake just fine but it gives them a little booster ! Also recommend wine and a hot bath.

I think this is all far too much- it certainly is for me anyway. My family don't act like this so I don't agree it's standard grandparent stuff.

I do agree though that it sounds like you are spending too much time with them, therefore all the irritations magnify. I do question why you'd go on holiday with them without your husband (not a criticism- just an observation that you don't have to do this).

We had 1 trip away with my ils..
1..
Never to be repeated experience..
2 chalets next door. They insisted they had ds 1 on a cot while we had ds2.. (a year apart). Thin walls I could hear an alarm going off regularly through the night.
Fil checking on ds...
Ds was bloody shattered from being woken up every bloody hour to check he was warm enough..
A chalet in August..
Nuts..

I have very ‘interfering’ in laws whom I also greatly value as they are great parents and grandparents. Very ‘normal’ upbringing for their kids, unlike my own, so whilst I have respect for them, I also understand that a lot of the above does grind as my ILs can be similar. And particularly at times when I myself a feeling a little vulnerable (post partum/ tired/ a little stressed in general). As PP have suggested, time off of them does help. So when I am feeling that way out with them I simply don’t contact them, or interact with them. They still speak with my DH/ DC but I just take myself off doing some laundry/ dinner etc whilst they’re on the phone. After a couple of weeks ‘break’ all is well again

I can see both sides here tbh! It sounds annoying when you look at all the examples together, but I can also see how they're just trying to help and/or enjoy being with the kids. I used to feel like this sometimes with particular relatives, but honestly now I just appreciate the extra set of eyes/hands!

(Nb... Sorry but I'm with him on the hide and seek front. Playing hide and seek in public with a four year old is a mad idea! 😅)

I agree, it's mildly irritating, but not directed at you. All elderly people do this, ie be over-watchful and can't get an idea out of their head once they have it.
I think it reflects their age more than anything else - and how precious the children are.
My MIL did this all the time, it's like there was an invisible rope between her and my children, and when they got beyond about 10 feet of her she would be calling them back even when I was right there. Also when we would be walking somewhere she would say things like 'So you're watching DS1', as if there was any doubt, or some sort of task allocation. But it's my child, so that was a bit of a given that I was watching him!
Anyway the amusing thing is that as they have grown up they have started to get annoyed about this, and they tell her she is babying them, and she is now having to change her tune as otherwise she can see they are less keen to have her around!

They sound awful and just like my PIL! It's suffocating. You're not horrible. At least if you are, I am too!! I don't think mine have ever outgrown the child-parent relationship and think that both me and DH are morons instead of 30-something parents with "proper" jobs, a mortgage and a third child on the way.

I tend to grey rock now. Encourage my DH to meet up for day trips but I only go if we're staying for a few days. I don't really speak to them on whatsapp etc. Leave all that to DH. I intervene when I don't think they're being appropriate.

I also find I used to find it easier not to be around. So I would let them go off together and do something else for those couple of hours, rather than having too many adults around....

Yanbu
However, you need to take control.
No more holidays paid by them.

Stop accepting so much help from them.
You cannot accept as muchbas you do without loosing their respect that you are adults unfortunately.

Thank them for their help but tell them to maintain good relations you all need space and to step back a bit.

Dominant people love to put you in their debt.
Stop accepting it and take space.

How well do you get on with them really? Well enough to have an honest conversation f2f with them? This would probably be the best way to go if you can.

I think most of what you've listed is pretty ‘normal’ stuff. Going into your house and searching for a key is the main one that stands out as a big overstep. My in-laws are more cautious and nervous than me about a lot of things, always pointing out potential dangers, choking hazards etc... It doesn't bother me massively, I just think it's them being OTT rather than a dig at me. That perhaps is the difference here? You perceive these comments, suggestions etc... As a criticism of you and your abilities, whereas someone else may perceive their in-laws as the issue, being over cautious and over anxious about safety etc...?

I think if it really bugs you, you just need to try and step back a bit and perhaps not do things like holidays together. Holidays are always intense anyway, but worse if you have to put up with behaviour that annoys you or makes you feel criticised. Maybe just see them for short bursts? That's how most people manage to tolerate annoying in-laws!

The problem with taking lots of support (financial, physical or both) from your parents/ILs is that it keeps you in the role of child.

If you’re independent, managing your own finances and childcare and paying for your own holidays etc, you’re acting like (& therefore more likely to be treated like) adults.

Whilst you obviously have a much closer relationship with your ILs than many do, your reliance on them has probably made you seem (even unconsciously) less capable in their eyes.

If you ask someone to hold your hand as you cross the road 100 times, you can’t be surprised when on the 101st road crossing they reach for your hand, even if at that point you’ve decided you can cross by yourself.

And I say that as someone who would rather eat testicles than go on holiday with my PIL, but in this case it just seems like they’re used to you relying on them to take control, so naturally slip into that role 🤷‍♀️

I think they do sound interfering and trying to parent when you are there. They need to back off. I hope DH has your back in this.

We've had financial support from inlaws - not that we needed it, though it was nice to have. But they don't interfere, or treat us like kids. Even when we were 23 and 27 they didn't, and they certainly don't now 25 years on.

And they looked after DDs one day a week when they were little but they certainly did not parent them when we were there.

I got up to them coming into your home and looking for the shed keys. Too, too much! Yeah, it's perhaps kind of them to want to "help", but it's inconsiderate of them to come into your personal space when they've not been asked to. I actually really hate that. It makes me feel uncomfortable to know that somebody doesn't consider that my space is my own and I control it, and that includes who enters it and what they do there. And your children are yours to parent how you choose to. They've raised their own children already and that is their turn over.

Unfortunately, I don't know how you might begin to repair this situation.

That's exactly me! My friends used to think that I let my kids do things that they felt quite risky, when they were little. But I knew exactly what they could do and had confidence in them.

I'm totally different with my grandkids! Partly because I don't have that 100% knowledge of their abilities, and partly because wherever they're with me I feel a huge sense of responsibility, because they're not mine!

It sounds a bit much, but some of it will just be their own worries. My mum pointed out my DC needed new shoes then bought socks because apparently his were too small. I didn’t mind. In fact I was grateful. The dummy thing would annoy me and the house key definitely. But I don’t think they are trying to be mean or imply you are doing things wrong.