Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

[Crikey85]

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

• tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
• remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
• tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
• fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
• if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
• commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

Oh jeeze. I also found myself asking my daughter if DGD should have another layer on when it was cool. More than once. She eye rolled. Thank goodness I'm mum and not MIL.

I honestly never thought I'd be that grandparent. I was the really chilled parent, but I've turned into the fusspot grandma. WHAT HAPPENED?!!

You'll not be surprised that I've voted that YABU!

I agree with your FIL about the dummy.

The rest of it? I don't understand why you went on holiday with them, and let them pay.

Your PIL just sound absolutely normal. Stop stressing and over thinking! They are just caring grandparents. Be glad that they care .

Why do you spend so much time with them? You don't enjoy it. It's causing conflict and will only get worse. Seeing ILs one afternoon every two weeks is enough. You have a life to lead with YOUR children and they don't need to be there.

Also retrieve your key. They should not have unrestricted access to your home.

ather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

I think you've completely misinterpreted that. My FIL always wanted to push the pram. I think he just wanted the connection with his grandkids. I enjoy it too, with my grandkids. And why would he walk off while his GC played a game? I'd feel rude doing that.

If you want time to yourself, then you need to make that very clear. Him saying 'it's alright' when you suggested that he and MIL go for a coffee clearly means that he thought you were being thoughtful, not that you wanted rid of them.

They're being normal grandparents. Though I never use my kids' house keys without asking first.

This would annoy me too OP. Don't go on holiday with them again!

This is a different situation, though, because OP says she was with the children. If the grandparents are unsure of what the grandchildren are capable of doing safely, they're best to leave the, well, parenting to the parents, since they're actually there.

I was at the play park with my DDs and DGCs at the weekend. I did the same if I'm honest. It was instinctive.

I don't know why keeping my grandkids safe feels different from when I had my own. I'm certainly not criticising my DD when I step in.

Agreed.

Depends so much on the relationship and you can't get that across here.

The same thing from different people I would take differently. From one I know it's based in caring, other it's a dig.

There are two broad schools of thought on MN op.

The first is that having the support of doting grandparents is well worth a few aggravating comments or incidents - and there will be irritations. It’s normal when people are in both physical and emotional proximity, have generational differences in attitudes, and, finally ( often overtired) little people are thrown into the mix. Nonetheless, this first attitude is that the overall benefits of having involved grandparents to fall back on for practical and often emotional support, to enjoy your children with you, even to ask for advice on occasion and, above all, to add life and generational texture to your children’s existence is well worth the occasional tensions.

The other school of thought is that the really important thing is that they know that you, as Wife of the Son and Mother to the Children, are fully in charge and will have your wishes, feelings and preferences heeded at all costs and as a priority. I honestly think it’s the second group who find life as a parent far harder. It’s a blessing to have involved grandparents. Many people don’t and really feel their children miss out.

The one thing I thought was overstep was entering the house while you were not there. Other than that, maybe just try to take little “ space breaks” before you end up snapping and saying things like don’t you trust me etc. I suspect fil just didn’t deny it as he found it awkward, rather than that he genuinely doesn’t trust you. He was possibly a bit hurt.

I'm the same as you in some ways, no parents of my own anymore, run my own business etc, when I first met my DH, his parents had a say in pretty much everything he did, it never bothered him, he relied on their opinions quite a lot back then and they weren't shy in telling him what he should and shouldn't be doing, they were quite forceful about it, and in fact his dad would come round and ALWAYS have to mention something about the house that needed doing, or ask him about something he hadn't done yet, or subtly criticise him in some way, it used to wind me up on his behalf as I've never tolerated parental influence in the way DH did and I used to find it quite jarring/annoying, although I accepted that they mostly meant well.

It slowly changed over time, I used to respectfully listen to them, but then do what I wanted anyway and they soon got the message that their opinions would not change my mind as I'm too strong willed for that (stubborn), I said to his dad quite amicably one day 'why do you care so much, you always go on about it and you don't even live here!' when he mentioned something for the 10th time, he stopped himself doing it after that. DH also started trusting his own decision making a lot more and stopped listening to the unsolicited advice once we became our own team, it helped enormously that we were both on the same page.

I think borrowing money off them, and relying on them to fill a gap through your situations may have opened the door for them feeling like they now have some parental authority over you both, which explains the secret gardening too, they feel they need to step in and help even though you haven't asked for it, I do think you are being oversensitive about some things (My MIL is a massive worrier about our DD4, but it seems to stem from her own anxiety rather than a criticism of my parenting, she is always telling her to be careful, or reminding me about something that she perceives as dangerous etc), but your sensitivity is not entirely unwarranted tbh, they seem to be overstepping somewhat, how are they with DH and how is he in response to things they do?

They sound overbearing and interfering. I couldn't stand that! I'm sure they have good intentions but you need to distance yourself a bit - not sure how though. You are definitely NBU.

I don't think it sounds normal at all - especially not poking around the house uninvited looking for keys while they're away. Most grandparents know when to back off and not constantly interfere.

I think most of the examples are quite endearing and helpful. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I get the feeling you enjoy their help but also resent them.

My DM forgets that we deal with our children day-in, day-out and are capable of thinking about their needs.

Examples that stick in my mind are my DParents popping in to see our new kitchen on their way past and my DM anxiously asking if I needed them to collect my DDs from school. I don't think they've collected them from school for about 3 years, so why we would have failed to arrange to collect them ourselves on that one day is a mystery. Another classic was 5 minutes before FIL's funeral was due to start, DM tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I'd given my DDs lunch. Again, no idea why she thought I would have forgotten to feed them when we manage every day. Also no idea what she thought anyone could do while sitting in a pew with a funeral about to start, if we had forgotten to feed them lunch.

I can sort of understand that it might be hard to understand your own child as a functioning adult, but it seems worse from an inlaw, as they aren't seeing you as the child they once knew, just an incompetent adult.

Love your answer. And so true.
I'm a Granny and I worry more about my DGS than I did when mine were that age ! But I do try not to 'parent' and just have fun. The in-laws are so lucky to have so much time with their GC
And the shed key...my FIL and MIL would totally have done that. My MIL used to rearrange all my ornaments/knick knacks when she was here. Sigh.

Thank you for all your replies. I recognise it’s probably quite largely a ‘me’ problem. I don’t feel I get any positive recognition for being a good mum, good wife to their son or anything like that. I’m not sure why I need that, maybe because my own parents aren’t in the picture anymore.
And then to compound that I receive a lot of unsolicited ‘advice’ and negative comments about things so on the whole it just makes me feel like they don’t rate me as a mum and now being away with them and them seemingly taking over caring for my kids just makes me feel like rubbish.

I feel absolutely terrible for the way I’ve reacted to things and probably hurt their feelings. I’m fully aware life is short and I will regret having tainted the holiday for them. I’m envious of people who don’t overthink things and aren’t sensitive like I am!

This would annoy me too OP. I would let a couple of things go but I would be saying ‘don’t worry Clive I’m the mummy and I’ve got this! You do know I look after them every day don’t you?!’ And tinkle laugh. And then I would be repeating later ‘don’t worry Clive I’m still here being the parent and watching them - as usual!!’
‘I can cope / I can manage / thanks for your help though’

I think you've allowed this in by taking money or advice from them before so you've let them overstep your boundaries and now it's going to be hard to redraw them

They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it

Knock this on the head as much as possible. You have (for whatever reason, I’m not dismissing the severity of the issues) made them feel indispensable and like you (both of you) can’t cope without them.

Keys? Just why? 🤦‍♀️

Holidays without your husband there? Just no. No.

Sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder and are reading situations to confirm that chip.

All ILs can be a bit annoying - I’m sure they feel the same about you - but if you know their actions and words are coming from a good place, supportive and loving, I’d suggest trying to shift your mindset and cut them some slack. If you do this, your communication with them will also improve, expectations will be better understood, and misunderstandings like the comforting your dd just as you were about to get tougher with her will be less likely in future.

It's a normal problem to have. I see it as essentially 4 adults trying to do the same task so if course it's going to be frustrating and some people (usually not the parents) have to step back. Even my DH and I have to often remember that the other parent not to get involved if the other parent is handling something. It can also be the grandparents seeing you as younger, or even still children, and so thinking they know more. The dummy thing (along with socks!) is definitely something almost all older people I know harp on a lot.

Your DH should have a talk with your ILs and tell them they need to back off trying to parent when you're already doing it. I also find it easier to let the grandparents just take the kids and have them out of sight of me. I trust them overall, even if I don't agree with every decision they make.

Also it's really common for parents to see your house as something they have input on which is annoying because it is useful to have ideas or help but you don't need them doing things on their own accord. I think both my father and MIL got the idea to ask first before doing things after I promptly just undid things they had done around my house.

I agree with this. One of my siblings has incredibly dominant MIL - a lovely woman, it all comes from love, but she bankrolls so much of my siblings family ‘extra’ stuff, that she buys herself a voice.

its rough with the smooth. If you want more control, you need to be a bit more independent

This.
take a break from them. They mean well but they are over bearing.