Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

[Crikey85]

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

• tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
• remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
• tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
• fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
• if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
• commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

These are all things my own mum would do and some of them would annoy me a bit but I'd think were worth having her help and support and her having a good relationship with my children.

I kind of think there shouldn't be a double standard with in laws but I can see it's harder to set boundaries with them. If they annoy you I'd just send DH and the kids a bit more as then you get the double win of some me time. You don't need to go nuclear over what are basically minor annoyances. Although I'd ask DH to talk to them about the key one maybe!

They sound perfectly normal. They aren't undermining you they are being grandparents

do you think they are trying to give you a bit of a break by sort of taking over?

to be honest if my parents or in-laws take over, I let them and go and sit on a bench or buy myself a coffee etc 😂. But if that doesn’t work for you then maybe you could just be direct- politely ask for exactly what you need.

Also you can totally make up for being snappy. Just later on tonight after bedtime, thank them for being caring grandparents and just be a bit more relaxed with them. I’m sure they will be fine with that.

They sound very irritating. I’m not surprised you regularly nearly lose your shit but it’s probably just them and not you. I’m sure any DIL would feel the same.

Entering your house without your permission when you are away needs to stop so you need to ask for your keys back. If asked, you need them for a tradesman or your sister. Don’t give them back!

Limit the amount of time you spend with them. No need to spend days on end with them. Short visits for a few hours can be enough. If they want to take you away and pay for it then maybe limit it to a night or a weekend away. Accept that there will be a lot of annoying fussing and just try to roll with it. I know it’s hard.

What was your own childhood like, Op? Is there a bit of trauma there? Were you bullied by your parents on some level? Was it implied you weren’t good enough? I’ve got a bit of this going on and it is triggering.

Decide what you want and put boundaries in place. No need to explain or get upset. Do what is right for you. It won’t be perfect but might help. I’m sure they think they are doing nothing wrong. A lot of people are incredibly thick skinned.

I can’t actually believe I read that last paragraph on MN! But yes, op, don’t feel bad if you think you were snappy: apologies are allowed in this world!

It may even help them realise how their input can make you feel at times.

I think they love your Dc very much and their support is something that many parents lack and run aground without. All parents are a bit annoying. My mum sometimes cuts my sentences short and if I object says “ well it was obvious what you were going to finish with.” But as she gets older, I’m still very aware that if I lose her it will be hard to find someone who cares as much if I ring to discuss an issue with my children. These things are “rough with smooth” op. The modern way is often to torch off family and cut ties st the first annoyance and I do think society suffers from it, despite their tinny reassurances that they prefer to go life alone.

I was also a bit surprised by a recent thread where parents were saying they don’t want to help their grown Dc financially. It didn’t seem to be a case of couldn’t, just didn’t want to. For DH and I its what we work at, to be in a position to help them. Your ILs do, and I don’t think it’s necessarily that much of a given anymore. If you really don’t need the help, then don’t take it; but they generally only do so where it is really helping the young family’s quality of life.

They sound suffocating to me, and I'd hate this too. Where is your husband in all this? Does he know how you feel? When they start asking questions about shoes etc, refer them to their son.

Thank you for all your replies. I recognise it’s probably quite largely a ‘me’ problem. I don’t feel I get any positive recognition for being a good mum, good wife to their son or anything like that.

Do you give them any positive recognition for being good grandparents and generous and caring parents/PILs?

I think many of us sometimes expect family members to know we appreciate and value them, by some kind of osmosis. I know that I'm bad at expressing positive emotions to the other adults in my life, though I'm working on it. I hope my MIL knew how much I loved her and thought she was the most fantastic Grandma, but I can't remember telling her that. I just hoped it was evident in our interactions. But I really regret that now that it's too late.

If you know that you're someone who needs that, maybe demonstrating what you need by offering it to them, might lead to reciprocity. There's nothing like someone telling you you're great, to make you want to give someone else that warm buzz in return.

Some of it should be fairly easy to ignore- of course when someone is already pissing you off and you resent them for it then it’s harder to not let it get to you.

Letting themselves into your home while you’re away without your permission and then going through your personal stuff “looking for shed keys” is an invasion of privacy I wouldn’t stand for and I would have the keys back straightaway. Presumably giving them spare keys wasn’t for them behave in that way.

I voted YABU.

You are way too enmeshed. It would drive me insane, but at the same time you accept a lot from them - paid holidays, financial help, childcare help - so no wonder they feel like they’re the adults.

Take a break and create some distance. They see themselves as indispensable and needed. You need to stop spending quite so much time with them and show them you’re all perfectly capable.

They shouldn’t have keys to your house. They’ve destroyed the trust for that already. If you really can’t tell them you need the keys back, just change the locks and don’t say anything. They are overstepping even if they don’t realise it.

I hearya OP, my in laws are just like this
Feeling like you are on a supervised visit with your own kids when they are around is a great way to describe it!

I had a thread a few weeks ago when my PIL were visiting because they were driving me insane with this kind of shit.

You need to be polite but assertive with them and set firmer boundaries. For example, I had to tell MIL that I didn't want her to do our laundry. She looked shocked, asked why so I literally said to her as evenly as I could that I didn't like her handling my underwear. She did stop. We also had to "grey rock" them, repeating over and over "Please only do tasks that we have asked you to help with".

I would change your locks to physically reset your boundary too.

If it's any consolation, our kids are older now and they feel exactly the same about PIL as we do.

I think you are being over sensitive and reading into things that aren't there. So YABU

This!

Or if they moan about something, I suggest they do xyz then since they seem to know my child who is with me 24/7 more than them who has only met them once or sees them a few times a year.

Tends to quiet them quite quick. Do have some even older elders who send a comment their way that shuts them down which helps too.

The key thing is a big overstep, and needs to be separated from the other things.

The other stuff, whilst annoying, you need to learn to laugh at in your head - and carefully limit your exposure/put in breaks with longer visits etc.

My MIL has a really annoying habit of "explaining" my son to the rest of the family, and to us. E.g. turning to BIL and saying things like, "look, that's a pee face! He's doing a pee!"

DS was VERY OBVIOUSLY grunting out a poo. She does it all the time, explaining his behaviour to anyone who'll listen, and 3/4 of the time she's wrong. But it's just a silly thing she does. It probably annoys everyone else just as much as it annoys me!

I have anxious controlling ILs too OP. I feel you. Reducing time spent together and learning from two disastrous holidays was the solution for us.

It could be the paying thing.
And a generation thing.
Its not how I behave with my grandchildren
Around Christmas we were treated to a very expensive meal ( my young adult son was included ) so quite an expense - but person proving thought it was fine to be super critical and boss my son around.
I was appalled- we won’t be going again …. Put some distance between you and then.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this too much OP. Your feelings about this are really normal. unsolicited parenting advice is annoying! But the truth is most of us doubt ourselves most of the time. Can you talk to your DH? Do you have any friends with similar age kids? Sharing the challenges of parenting with others can be really helpful to gain perspective and learn that all the other mums doubt themselves too. If you’re going on hols with your PIL are you close enough to be open with them? You could apologise for snapping and say that it was because you feel all their advice and suggestions to do things differently make you feel like they don’t think you are doing a good job and it gets on top of you sometimes.
I will say though that as the kids get older their suggestions will reduce.
also get your bloody house key back!

If you want them to be less involved then stop involving them so much. Pay for your own holidays and don’t ask for their financial help. Whatever’s gone on in the past where you needed them/their money has made them think you can’t stand on your own two feet so they’re trying to help.

Most of your examples are normal caring grandparent things, you can choose to see them as love and care or unwelcome criticism and interference. I’d do the former if I still needed their involvement in your lives. Or you can continue snapping, hurt their feelings and damage relationships that are important to your kids.

I think if OP refused to let them do childcare everyone would say she's being unfair keeping her children from their grandparents, but if people want to use it against the mother for having them involved, they're helping her and getting nothing from it themselves.

It's like childcare/spending time with grandchildren is whatever the person wants it to be in that moment, that helps them get what they want.

it feels to me like what they do comes from a position of kindness, but that doesn't mean that you're not right to feel as you do - my inlaws drive me nuts not because they mean to but because they're very different from my family (who also drive me nuts because they're my family 😁)

Personally I would try and have a conversation about it - make them a cup of tea or bring them a glass of wine, after the kids are in bed, and say that you realise that you probably got snappy with them earlier/yesterday and that you hate to feel that you hurt them when you did that. Say you really appreciate that their intentions are good and that everything they do comes from a place of love (assuming this is how you feel) but that because of your own history and relationship with your parents you sometimes hear what they say as a criticism or it makes you feel [insert what you feel here]

Yes perhaps you shouldn't 'need' to do this but if they're nice people and genuinely care about you and their grandchildren they will hopefully then feel able to back off a bit, or at least understand and properly back off if you do reach a snappy point again.

At the moment they're mayby having their own conversations about you saying "Crikey seems really stressed, lets take the pressure off by being more proactive with the children so she can relax" blissfully unaware that you feel the opposite. Just clarify things for them without making it sound accusatory and hopefully they will understand a bit better?

Yes it was difficult. Had a depressed father who took his own life when I was late 20s. My mum wouldn’t speak to me or other family members ever since.
I’ve always been low confidence, people pleaser.

Re the accepting hand outs etc and the cheek of it all, my fil does always insist on it because it’s either “you or the tax man” who gets the money.

Sorry only just replying to the messages we have been travelling home today (it was the last day of the holiday)

Sorry I need to clarify I meant in terms of inheritance tax!

@Crikey85
oh op re your patents.
that is so sad.
I know that must be difficult.

As auntie who did alot of babysitting, i sympathise with them a bit. It is hard for me to switch off from being my nephews 'responsible adult' even when his parents are there.

It does sound very annoying and can understand why you might feel how you do. You could just politely say , thanks for being concerned but you don't need to remind me to get gloves and hats. They do sound quite intrusive, looking round your home for keys and getting involved and comments about your renovation. These things can be sorted though , you just need to say things like thanks for trying but I'd appreciate it if you didn't go around our home when we are away, something along the lines of