Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

[Crikey85]

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

• tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
• remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
• tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
• fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
• if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
• commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

Yep. It's really hard to explain, and I wouldn't have understood it before I became a grandparent. But just being in my grandchildren's presence brings out a protective instinct and feeling of responsibility in me. Even when I'm not responsible for them in any practical sense.

It's taken me by suprise, this whole primitive stuff that happened when I became a grandparent. It shouldn't have surprised me, because from an anthropological and biological point of view, it's known to be instinctive, and in many cultures, grandparents play a very important role right from birth, in caring for the baby's basic needs.

This is why I have a new respect and appreciation for my wonderful late MIL, and wish I'd understood back then, how visceral her feelings were for my kids.

I’m not sure it’s usual to have both DGps present all the time. Usually it’s DGM. But being two you are a bit outnumbered.
The post at the start of the thread by a DGM I agree with - very hard to be confident DGC won’t run on the road or fall off the swing if you are not always with them.

Yes! It's not because we don't trust or respect the parents. It's a natural instict especially if you're responsible for them sometimes.

This. My in laws came round recently and kept shouting "careful!!!" in a panicked way at my two year old. At first I thought they were being overbearing - then I realised that the last time they saw her (nearly a year before) she was unsteady on her feet and they just didn't know what was safe for her and what wasn't. My DH reassured them that she was fine running and would slow down rather than trip, so they didn't need to keep worrying.

Saying that though, the other scenarios would annoy me too OP. Don't go on holiday with them again!

I agree, normal stuff, they arent undermining you, they are just concerned. I think i do everyone of those things with my grandaughter whether her parents are there or not, if she says something to her parents i think is rude, i tell her off. i ask if she has her coat or hat because i dont want her to be cold, its just me.

I looked after her for the first 4.5 years of her life so dont know if that makes a difference.

I was given the key for her house but wouldnt go in unless she asked me to but if they are willing to look after your garden, just be gratefull.
As the saying goes, “choose your battles”

It's not all about the sensitivity though. It's the reactivity. And that's hard as a tired mum I know my own emotions want to spill over on occasion. But being snappy never improves things does it. Just gives us regrets and more to overthink.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad x that must be a huge weight to bear. And your mum too.
Self compassion might be a good thing to explore. Other people can't really give us the level of love and validation we need but we can try to give some of that to ourselves. ❤️

I’m so sorry to hear about your parents @Crikey85. If you tiptoed around them people pleasing as a child this will have a significant impact on your relationships as an adult. It’s very difficult for people with good solid experiences as children to understand.

I would suggest you seek out some help for your experience with your own parents. A psychologist who specialises in CPTSD and family dynamics would be a good starting point.

I don’t think you are “ just horrible” op.

I think you are processing a lot of difficult things regarding parental relationships and becoming a parent was always going to be complicated for you.

It’s probably been easy for you to imagine that “ when it works” it just works flawlessly for many others; but honestly all these interactions are anything from occasionally slightly aggravating to devastating for everyone.

However, at the occasionally aggravating end, they are also hugely supportive and enriching relationships and I’m actually really happy for you that in many ways these ILs are able to provide that for you to some extent. Be kind to yourself when you find it hard; it can be. But please don’t let that tempt you to throw away this opportunity for a loving ( if sometimes a bit overbearing) extended family for your Dc - and, in fact, for you. Because you deserve it too and I do believe you can work with it to make it a big positive going forward.

I wonder if being quite open with your ILs about finding it hard to adjust to involved family would help? And that you can be inclined to take it as criticism or lack of faith in you. It’s a perfectly natural response and stating that you genuinely appreciate the involvement but also don’t find it comes naturally might be an opportunity to put in a few boundaries ( like coming in your house uninvited?) without torching them off completely.

I’d be pissed off with FIL looking through your bedroom for the keys and I’m sure they’re probably a bit irritating to you but it all sounds as if they just care, so you’re lucky in that respect.
Your FIL was right about the dummy if your little one didn’t need it but I also appreciate that sometimes it’s not a battle you need to have if it calms them down.
Oh and unless you get on with them exceptionally well, I think it was pretty shit of your DH to up and leave for work, leaving you with them. If he had to work, he should have declined the offer of the holiday.