Overbearing in laws or am I just horrible

[Crikey85]

I need to start by saying I really value my in laws. They’ve supported my husband and I through some shocking life situations, have helped financially when we’ve needed it (although sometimes I’ve felt uncomfortable about this) and are brilliant grandparents to our two children.

The problem is I’m finding their involvement in everything suffocating to the point I’ve started snapping at them and having arguments with my husband about it. It makes me feel terrible, ungrateful and just a cow in general. But when I’m around them with my kids I feel like I’m on a supervised visit with my own children! They make me feel like I’m not capable enough and it’s really affecting me. But I just don’t know if it’s me being over sensitive.

The way my brain works it’s easier to list examples of the things they do that make me feel so smothered and then you can tell me what you think :

• tell my children to “be careful” countless times when we’re out and about even when I’m there and have risk assessed the situation myself. All toddlers run!!
• remind me of things I need for the kids - hats, gloves
• tell me I need to buy my daughter new school shoes then ask me if I’ve bought them yet
• fil in particular doesn’t like 2 year old having her dummy if she’s not napping or asleep so he repeatedly makes comments of “what do you need that dummy for?” I agree but sometimes I need her to calm down a bit
• if we’re at a play park together fil in particular will constantly check where the eldest is (he’s four) even though today we were playing hide and seek he kept repeatedly asking “where’s Emily?!” Making me feel as though I can’t be left to ensure her safety by myself!

General things that also become overwhelming:

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?
• commenting on our plans for renovating our house by our self. Telling us we’d bought the wrong tools or should do this should do that

All of this has been exacerbated this week because we’ve all been away together. At the start of the week my eldest was having a tantrum about going down a water slide again even though we needed to go, I told my husband, mil and fil to go on and leave me to deal with my daughter. Apparently no one heard so just as I was about to put my foot down with my daughter who is very head strong anyway, my fil walked up picked her up and started comforting her! I’m sad to say I flipped. I just feel totally undermined all the time.
Another example today we went to a museum all morning. Father in law again quite domineering, questioning my explanation of how to get on the train, telling me my daughter needs the toilet, rather than walking off without us when she wants to do an interactive game stands in the distance watching us and waiting for us to follow as though we can’t be left to our own devices. I ended up snapping when on the train back into town I suggested he and mil go for a coffee or something whilst I go with my kids to buy some books (as I jusr wanted some time me and them) and he said “naaaa it’s fine” whilst once again pushing my kids in their pram when maybe id quite like to do it. I snapped and said “don’t you trust me to look after them or something?” He couldn’t even deny it!!

My in laws have paid for everything for this trip which makes me feel so guilty for complaining. I am totally open to being told I’m being a completely oversensitive nightmare. I am neurodivergent (recently diagnosed).

For what it’s worth I’m self employed with a successful business, have a great circle of friends and family (just don’t have my own parents around but that’s another story). So I’m fairly normal and not sure why I feel so undervalued and underestimated by my in laws!! But it’s really getting me down and not sure what to do now.

thanks for reading this absolute monstrosity of a post

ps don’t want to drip feed - my husband came on this trip but left on Monday due to work

My parents were like this when my kids were young. Extremely performative in their vigilance. For example, on holiday with them and I’d sit on a sun lounger whilst the kids were in the pool. I could see them both (and hear them) but the moment my bum hit the chair, my mum jumped up to patrol the poolside. They were right in front of me but she thought we had to look vigilant.
same with keys. They had a key “just in case “ but would use it whenever they liked, even when I was in, they’d use it to just come in! I took it back.
loads of other overstepping, my kids are adults now and we don’t see very much of them.

I don't think you're horrible, but it seems like they really really trigger you....and it'd be best to try to be less reactive I think or it's going to make stuff more and more awkward going forward.
Part of its probably working out what works for you to feel most chilled, and then trying to have that when with them.
is there a connection with your parents that is what's triggering or this feeling of being watched/suffocated.

They sound fairly intense I would say! Interestingly, do they look after any grandchildren (not yours) a lot for childcare? I feel that really blurs the lines.

I also could never do a holiday with my in laws and no dh (prob also not with DH 🤣).

My only advice would be to be more direct - “I will deal with my daughter’s tantrum about leaving, please leave us alone” or “I’d like some time with the kids in this busy week - meet you back here in an hour?”

I agree! I'm so risk averse with my grandchild and I'm always telling her to be careful. But, I only do this when I'm looking after her on my own. When either or both of her parents are there, I would never do this and I leave it to them to make the decisions.

OP's in-laws behave as though they are the ones who call the shots which must be so frustrating.

The main issue is that because they have been so generous and pay for everyone, OP and her DH feel a sense of obligation towards them. OP certainly needs to stop going on holiday with them without her DH.

To be honest I think you've got a lot of cheek.

You're happy to keep taking from them, then blow up on them over nothing. Either stop accepting money/help whatever else they're giving, or stop complaining about them being involved grandparents.

They do sound too interfering but it's a them problem and have nothing to do with your capabilities as a parent.
As for "be careful" all the time it's because they don't have the same intimate/innate understanding of your children as you do so they will worry more. My Ds 11 hates it when my Mil takes his hand for crossing a road (he walks home on his own after school so no need). I've told her and she acknowledges that she's more nervous with her gc than she was with her dc and tries to stop this impulse.
As for New shoes/other. Smile and tell them "I got it."
Also, you seem to spend too much time with them. Leave one of your dc with them and spend some time with the other.

• entering our home when we’re on holiday to find our shed keys so they can do our garden whilst we’re away and then complaining when they couldn’t find them. We didn’t ask them to do our garden and wouldn’t expect this! They said they looked everywhere aka bedrooms etc - invasion of privacy?

This is definitely not on,I agree it’s an invasion of privacy

I completely disagree, they are being overbearing and trying to parent your children rather than being grandparents. Being a grandparent isn't a second run at having kids, it's a different, more removed role.

They sound like very well meaning and kind grandparents who just miss the mark sometimes. The be careful etc sounds very normal and checking where little ones are- grandparents worry! I’m sure they want to help and want to give you a rest- it may come across as undermining like the water slide. The asking about buying school shoes maybe she was thinking of buying for you but needed to check if you’d bought first to make sure you didn’t double up on them. The only think I would be very anointed at is the letting
g in to do the garden- again well intentioned but I wouldn’t like that

If your DH was there with his parents but without you, would they take over with the children in the same way or do they only do this with you?

Does your DH know how frustrated you are feeling? He needs to speak to his parents, tactfully but firmly as you may be getting to the point where you feel that the only way to deal with this is to massively cut down the amount the time you spend with them.

This sounds incredibly irritating and just like my own FIL. I empathise.

I think it is relevant that in your example you are the parent at the time's mum and not MIL.

It is even worse if a grandparent (maternal/paternal) thinks they can create this fuss when their DIL or SIL is the parent there at the time. Neither my mum nor dad would ever presume to tell my DH how to parent his own children in his presence.

It is not a traditional mum v MIL issue unless there is general sexism in the family.

I think that kind of overstepping is what you’re likely to get if you’ve needed and accepted substantial help from them over the years — it infantilises you in their eyes. They don’t think you’re capable of assessing risk, or buying school shoes.

You’d feel better if you cleared the air with them. In your shoes, I might send them a card or letter to try and set a couple of ground rules going forward.

Saying something like ‘sorry I was short with you, I hope it didn’t spoil the holiday too much. I do appreciate the support you’ve given us in the past and know you act with the best of intentions. I find it overbearing at times, that’s why I snap. You probably feel you are walking on eggshells with me all the time and that I’m ungrateful. I’d like to make a fresh start so we all feel happier. I need to feel in charge of the parenting in your company and you need to feel welcome in mine. Little changes we could make would make a big difference, I hope you are willing to have a frank discussion soon so we can air our thoughts and move forward’.

They sound as if they mean well and for some people it would be completely normal. But I would find such an emeshed relationship a nightmare. And I’m in my 60s. They sound as if they treat you like little children. The only way to deal with this is to draw some boundaries. I’d start by doing things as a family and with friends without them. While I might have the odd weekend away, I wouldn’t go on holiday with them. Let the children have visits and sleepovers without you so you’re not always being commented on. Or if you don’t want to do that, challenge their statements. For example, if they start with the dummy-it’s all right FIL, I’m happy for dc to have the dummy. It’s all right FIL, we’re playing Hide and Seek. And repeat. If your kids comment on things as they get older, just tell them It’s all right dc, some people just get fussy when they get older. And get your dh on board.

Hi OP, I think a lot of these issues are common between parents and grandparents who spend a lot of time together. I have very similar issues with my own parents, for similar reasons (they help us a lot but then constantly try to parent the kids when we are there; which is very annoying). The good thing about it being my own parents rather than in-laws is that I feel much more able to be direct with them, eg the other day I said to them; “I just really need some time alone now, please can you guys go home and I’ll see you next week?” I wouldn’t feel able to be that direct with my in-laws.

I think you are being over sensitive and reading way more into it than there needs to be. To be honest, it's quite normal for inlaws and parents to have their own slightly different or outdated opinions on parenting and it can be mildly annoying but most of us just brush it off. You seem to lack confidence so take huge offence. I couldn't care less if someone else doesn't agree with my parenting. Also oh family trips and holidays I was always quite happy to leave it to someone else for a bit...amazing g if grandparents want to be in charge for a bit....gave me a break.

You might want to be careful with that. I put up with such behavior from my mom for the first twenty years of adulthood. Despite repeated discussions about interfering in my life she kept doing it and would pick a fight with me whenever I told her 'no'. I no longer speak to her.

Overbearing and disrespectful parents are the worst. They make living life needlessly hard.

I think the best bet is to spend less time with them and the kids all together. I now try to use my parents’ care to my advantage - so I’ll ask them to take DS out for the morning so I can get X tasks done. Win-win and then I don’t have to get annoyed at them telling him to “be careful” for the hundredth time that morning!

@Crikey85 for a start, there is absolutely no way that I would have been on holiday with outlaws without my dh! why would you ever agree to this?? you seem to spend an awful lot of time with them in general though. why dont you just say no to them coming to the park etc with you. you need to also remove your doorkeys from them. they dont need to go into your house for anything and why would they think you would keep the shed key in your bedroom anyway???why is your dh accepting this all the time? is he the only child and are they the only grandchildren? I think you need to make an excuse to leave a bit earlier.

I wouldn’t take this personally- that’s how GPs are. You sound like a great mum. I wouldn’t like them in the house though while I was away. Feels too much. Next holiday go without them. X

I agree with most of this post too. I wouldn’t like them barging into my home to get the shed keys - though I’m sure it was supposed to be a lovely thought to get your garden all nice.

I think if you read your last post back op, you’ll see what is really driving your irritation is insecurity. I genuinely don’t think you need to feel that way. As I said in I my earlier post, I don’t think any of their behaviour is because they don’t think you parent well. It’s a lesson to all ILs though that giving the DIL a few compliments doesn’t go astray!

Boundaries! Don’t give them keys to your house. Don’t accept free holidays off them. Be firm and make sure you have a polite but assertive comeback when they question your parenting. I would suggest getting your husband on board too to back you up.

Spend less time with them. You've agreed to go on holiday with the in laws and not only that but your husband isn't even there?? Madness. Time to cut back and take the key back.

I'm with you. When I am with family elders, any comments towards my children about something they are lacking, eg socks, a plate etc feel like a slight to my parenting. However I usually let it play out. I didn't give my baby a plate because she would throw it on the floor; she's not wearing socks because she pulls them off. They soon find out the reason themselves!