I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

Look - none of us can tell you what happened and realistically you'll likely never know.

Practically you can do a preg test (easy) and if it will put your mind at rest an STD test. Google it and off you go.

I wouldn't say anything else to your DH because he can't do anything about it and you'll just pass on a load more pointless stress and anxiety.

The last thing you can actually do which might bring some closure is to vow not to get blind drunk ever again.

I've lost countless hours in my 20s and 30s when i've been pissed. I've fallen asleep at the edge of a big glass staircase leading to the dance floor of a massive London club. I fell asleep in the middle of a dance floor once come to think of it ... on some random chair someone had put there. Obviously i've had lots of snoozes sat on loo seats.

You probably did just conk out somewhere OP. But take the steps above.

It's really clear why you are so anxious, then. You feel that your happiness is precarious so you're terrified of doing anything to jeopardise it. Maybe you feel you don't deserve that happiness, on some level, which is why you're convinced you've Done Something Bad even though it's obvious you haven't (YOU haven't done anything, the worst case scenario is that someone took advantage of YOU). Try and relax, and as someone else who suffers with anxiety, I would strongly recommend getting some therapy.

The piles will be stress-related.

..or diarrhoea related - if the booze took you that way

You haven't jeopardised anything.

You were not fit to consent so IF something happened it's not your fault. The likelihood of a hookup is vanishingly small. This is your anxiety speaking. That is the issue here and that's what you should seek help for.

If it helps you to move on, get a pregnancy test and an STD test. You can ask if it goes on your GP record but again, your anxiety is making the issue here. It doesn't matter what your GP can see, they are a professional and willing have seen it all 1000x over.

I hope you can work through this op.

Maybe you just had a really long poo and stayed on the loo for too long.

You could potentially ask for hotel CCTV as a subject access request?

When you black out the thought of what might have happened is scarier than the actual reality of what happened. When it happened to me I had all sorts of visions of ending up dead and leaving my kids without a mother. The reality was I fell asleep drunk and was very lucky my bag wasn't nicked or worse. Stopped me getting so pissed at work events again though.

This crossed my mind too. I’m wondering if there are some physical signs and OP isn’t being completely honest with herself.

So you had bleeding from your anus the next day? You attribute this to piles but the scenario you are most concerned about is that something sexual happened?

Get a thorough STD test and some therapy. Nobody can tell you what happened but therapy may help you get past it.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy have you ever worked with sexually assaulted people? I have. What OP is describing is unfortunately a valid reaction to these kinds of assaults. I can only hope that your ignorance is the cause of your nasty cynical conclusions. Reading between the lines my first thoughts are that she may have been drugged and assaulted not that she knows what has happened. OP is scared and confused. Show some compassion.

@PinkElephantsOnParade2025 - no bleeding. Just piles.

That is odd, because you'd assume at least one of your friends would have seen you at some point. If someone was asleep in the toilet surely someone would have noticed the cubicle wasn't in use?

I wonder whether you were spiked. What's your first memory of coming back to see your friends. Do you remember which direction you were coming from?

Get an STD test and a pregnancy test from a clinic rather than your GP and personally that guy who was chasing you that night would be someone I'd avoid in future.

My memory didn’t come back. I just ended up waking up in my room. Two of my friends helped me there because I reappeared very drunk.

Do you get them sometimes OP? TMI (and NC for this!) but mine are irritated by anal sex- but I would definitely feel it if I had had sex anally, it would be slightly uncomfortable and I'd be a bit anxious about farting if you get what I mean! Did you have any of that?
This sounds really awful and stressful, I hope you're okay. I say this with no judgement, but if you drink until you're in this state, even if it's only once every five years, it shows a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I'd go teetotal. Again, no judgement, binge drinking is frighteningly common and accepted socially.

I was okay about it when I first woke up. Obviously concerned about my memory loss but figured I’d just overdone it and no harm done. Then the thoughts of “what if this happened” started, and the images of what could have happened have just been haunting me for 3 weeks straight!

I was horrendously wasted at a work do when I was 25. Either my drink was spike or it was the combination of different types of alcohol that did it (because I had only had a few drinks) but I lost a period of time I've never got back.

I categorically DID rule out sex though because I certainly didn't feel like I'd had sex. Surely you can rule it in or out on that basis alone?

So what do I do next? Do I just get the STD/ pregnancy test and if all clear, try to move on?

I have even considered leaving my husband over this. He deserves someone who is would never do this to him.

These are intrusive thoughts and you are catastrophising. I really feel for you op. You need professional mental health support.

It’s horrible when you get black out drunk and have a black hole where your memories can be and it’s very usual for anxiety and ‘what if’ type thoughts to plague you afterwards. That said, I think it is unlikely that sex or any other worrying scenario occurred. Often when something out of the ordinary occurs flashes of memory do come back after time so the fact you can’t remember anything at all suggests that nothing unusual happened. If you’d had sex in that state there would likely be some physical signs, either you’d feel it or your friends would have found you with your clothes disheveled/ on wrong etc. in that state it’s unlikely you could dress or undress properly.

It seems most likely that you passed out/ fell asleep for a short while somewhere - perhaps on the toilet or sat on the floor which would explain the piles - and then woke up and made your way back to the party.

Did you have any bruising or aching or pain anywhere, apart from the piles?
When you woke, where you fully dressed?

As your concern seems to be that you made some bad choices in the missing two hours, if something you haven't ruined anything as you were not in a fit state to consent.

Have a look a this video on intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them;

If you can't put it behind you in the next few days consider having some sort of counselling before you blow your life up for absolutely no good reason.

You haven't done anything to your husband.

Definitely get std tests and seek professional help.

It's possible the excess alcohol has caused a chemical chain your brain that is behind all the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

Do you take any medication that can be affected by alcohol?

@BeLemonTraybake yes do all what you have suggested and then take it one step at a time as new information comes into play.

Don't do anything drastic.

Piles the night after drinking = you had terrible diarrhoea as a result of the alcohol and were sitting on the loo for ages. Possibly even fell asleep on it. It's the most logical explanation.

Does part of you want to leave your husband?

Or fallen asleep while sat on the loo.

You really need to calm down!! This is not a big deal at all… please be kinder to yourself!

Let me be clear, the feelings you are experiencing ARE horrendous, but you are imposing them on yourself (unjustifiably)!

Do a test as others suggest simply to put your mind at ease - can do walk in, or order test online etc etc.

Even IF you did hook up with someone… you can’t remember it, so there’s nothing to tell…!