45k salary entirely eaten by childcare

[Sofiewoo]

Granted salaries aren’t what they were only a handful of years ago but aibu to be shocked that my 45k salary is now entirely eaten by childcare and getting to work??
I figured if you are earning in the 20s you would assume that but not mid 40s!

I’m trying to weigh up whether to just take the next year and a half off instead of working for nothing. I know, pension, career blah blah but it’s mentally very difficult to juggle drop offs, work schedules and sickness but be no better off financially at the end of the month.

Did anyone else not realise it was a bad as this?

This sounds terribly naive.
I have a friend who left her full time job in the civil service after her second child. She said exactly what you said and genuinely felt sorry for kids whose mums were focused in their careers leaving them with "strangers" to raise them.
Husband high earner and she stayed at home. Fast forward 10 years he started having issues with alcohol to the point that was several times in detox.
His job was on the line. All of a sudden she realised, all those career women were right. She wanted to leave him as he was destroying the family. But she couldn't, she was completly trapped.

Unhappy parents are unhappy parents. Ask the child who grew up with unhappy working parents. Of course parents have to be considered too, just as of course the children should be considered, it’s just that often seems to get lost in all the noise about how expensive childcare is and whether it is worth it.

My point is that the mother giving up work isn't always the magical solution. It won't necessarily mean that she is happier or that the children are happier, especially if the marriage/relationship then doesn't work out and the children are plunged into poverty which we know doesn't have good outcomes for children.

So we’ve just gone the full circle of damned if you do (contribute to society and yourself through work, provide more than the basics, stable life, stable incomes, not rely on benefits, contribute to pensions for your future…)

to damned if you don’t……

Honestly the level of naivety and privilege on this thread is disgusting.

Well, it’s a fantasy that anything is a magical solution, or that there is only one way to do anything.

Exactly this.

If someone wants to work, it shouldn’t eat up a £45k salary. So many factors at play as to why and none of them solved by individuals. It needs massive changes.

End of.

How? Care workers are already paid a pittance and children need good quality childcare. The government has no money.

It’s not forever is it

Absolutely, I’m agreeing with you here. It’s not ok that we are in this position as a society.

Childcare workers deserve decent wages and kids should have decent childcare.

This country is a mess financially. I wish I did have a solution.

I do agree with this.

I pay £2k per child for nursery. It is incredibly expensive and it's especially wrong when childcare workers are paid so poorly.

You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head.

Hang on, I’ve never said it should automatically be the woman who reduces or takes a break from work. Of course it shouldn’t.

But if you choose to have children you need to think very carefully and talk about how one of you (or a mix of the two of you) is going to take responsibility for their care while they are small.

Can’t you both drop some hours to have a couple of days less childcare a week?

There’s a massive difference between putting your very young children in nursery 7 hours a day because you want to continue to work full time and allowing yourself to be financially trapped.

There’s part time, freelance, sabbaticals, both reducing hours, grandparent help. All sorts of options that do require some temporary financial sacrifice but don’t put the woman in a vulnerable position financially.

I never mentioned mothers.

Not all of those would be temporary depending on the woman's career. Part time doesn't exist in my current role for example and I would not only lose out financially, I would lose my current flexibility which I use to spend extra time with my children and I'd never get back to where I am now because I was able to bust my guts to get here working crazy hours before I had children.

It is almost always mothers who are expected to sacrifice their careers
It is almost always mothers who are judged for wanting to have careers

I wanted to give up my job. Sitting in 13 hour meetings about financing power stations with shouty men or sitting on Hampstead heath in the sun with my baby. No contest. Life’s too short.

I’m saying it shouldn’t be, and every couple has the ability to sit down and discuss what’s going to work best - most importantly - for the kids who were brought into the world by the parents’ choice.

If one parent has no ability to go part time or freelance or take a career break without their career stalling massively then it makes sense to look at the other person’s options.

For me, I never questioned that I would step back for a few years while my kids were young. When I did go back we both worked 3 days a week. I know a few couples who did that, with Grandma on the other day. Could we afford private school and a pony? No.

We didn’t have loads of money but we preferred for one of us to be with the kids.

You cannot expect to have kids without a degree of sacrificing something: for us that money. Other people seem to prefer to sacrifice their mental and physical health by working themselves into the ground, and their kids’ wellbeing by putting them in nursery.

I know what I’d choose.

I think it depends if people share your view that children attending nursery sacrifices their wellbeing or that working sacrifices their mental health. There isn’t one right way of doing it and everyone else is wrong. I think most of us know what we would choose (& indeed chose) and the way we see the options isn’t always the same. There are clear advantages and disadvantages to any approach and people tend to choose what works for their personal circumstances.

Even without considering whether children are better off being looked after by a parent or close family member (evidence is fairly clear but people don’t like it), I think lots of people are being absolutely broken by the burden of being a working parent.

I’m sure it works for some but many are exhausted and burnt out.

Why have kids?

This is what I often think!

Why have children if you want to work full time and pay other people to look after them and then moan about it constantly???
Take the financial hit (temporarily until they’re in full time school). Put your own ‘career’ needs aside whilst they’re young, surely that’s the basic necessity as a mother? Sacrificing for our children? The mind baffles 🤯

Wasn’t a sacrifice for me - shock horror I wanted to do it! That’s never factored in either.

I loved my 6 year career break to focus on my family and not running around stressing. And before the spluttering starts I am now back earning what I was before. Many like to tell you if you dare step off the treadmill you are doomed forever and the waters close over you. Absolute bollocks.

Agree, although I think it doesn’t have to always be the mother.

Me too. I stepped back into a well paid job and am now earning double what I was before kids.