45k salary entirely eaten by childcare

[Sofiewoo]

Granted salaries aren’t what they were only a handful of years ago but aibu to be shocked that my 45k salary is now entirely eaten by childcare and getting to work??
I figured if you are earning in the 20s you would assume that but not mid 40s!

I’m trying to weigh up whether to just take the next year and a half off instead of working for nothing. I know, pension, career blah blah but it’s mentally very difficult to juggle drop offs, work schedules and sickness but be no better off financially at the end of the month.

Did anyone else not realise it was a bad as this?

I recognise all families are different in this @OldGothsFadeToGreyhowever the facts remain that there has been very little movement from men and companies in this. There still seems to be a low level of expectation from women. We still talk about how brilliant a Dad is when they ‘step up’ when the facts are they are just parenting like mothers. We frequently hear on here how the mother was the higher earner and has taken a hit normally because the expectation on her is higher and it becomes too much because men don’t step up enough.

There is still little respect for mothers in society, we don’t have it all we mostly do it all. Men’s salaries are still higher which feeds into it not making sense for them to go part time etc. IMO the facts are most
men don’t want to, they want to keep the status quo otherwise they would be shouting about it louder.

OP has already said.that her husband has changed his hours to allow for pick ups and drop.offs, took extended paternity etc. She has also said that as a family all bills are joint. She isn't saying that she pays all the childcare and her husband dosent contribute anything. She is simply saying that the family childcare costs and the costs of her getting to work take up the equivalent of a salary.

Do you understand that on a 45k salary you don't take home 45k?
There is tax, national insurance, pension contributions etc to pay. OP probably only sees like 28k hit her account. If 24k goes in childcare, potentially another 2k in travel costs to get to work.... Would you be happy seeing only 2k per year (less than 200 per month) from working full time?!

Completely agree @MidnightPatrol nursery costs are only one aspect of the increasing pressures and expectations on parents.

Baseline question is - do you WANT to work? In an ideal world and all that.

@Sofiewoois there any chance of one/both of you compressing hours? (Especially with you saying that your DH’s work is very accommodating). I work full time across 4 days to free up one day in the week, and DH put in a flexible work request to have a fixed day off in the week too so we only have to use childcare 3 days in the week? Appreciate your DC are settled in their routine though (and it doesn’t negate the fact of how expensive it all is)

I wouldn’t take a sabbatical because then you might lose nursery place and waiting lists can be long.

I’d potentially go part time if you can and then back to full time when kids are in school. Although after school club can cost a lot per week too.

I also wouldn’t change nursery for the same reason as you but also because you never know if that nursery might up their fees too.

I’d be super fucked off at having one person’s income entirely taken up but childcare.

You need to think long term. Many of us had to go through this. I was in this position when my DC were small - staying at home and not paying out the childcare, and not having to juggle, was attractive - however I was very keen not to become deskilled and have to enter the workplace at a much lower level once the DC were older.

I also knew I would be climbing the walls if I didn't have my mentally challenging work to do.

I didn't career progress at the rate I would have if I'd been single and childless (eg not able to relocate) but by the time they were all in secondary school I was working f/t in a job I absolutely loved.

When they were young adults, at Uni and travelling, my "DH" met someone else - being in a job I loved, and knowing I could pay the bills, meant it was less traumatic than it could have been.

Never leave yourself deskilled and vulnerable, we never know what's round the corner. Your career is your insurance policy if nothing else.

This is us. Gone from £44 to £83 per day per child since our 3.5yo started. We have a 23 month gap. Money just evaporates. And we’re on less than £45k each.

And all the crap about “I did it x years ago”. No, no you didn’t. You didn’t have childcare costs almost double in 3 years. I have friend with slightly younger children or a bigger age gap and they’re not feeling the strain like you and me.

So you think a 1 year old would benefit more being put into nursery full time than being home with a parent? Really? I did say I can “almost” guarantee that being home with mum would be the best outcome for the children, as yes, in almost all cases it would be (unless parent not fit to parent / abusive / other variables)

Is it something you can keep your hand in? I minimally freelanced for 5 years. It filled the gap on my CV and I went back into employment on a similar level to the one I left. I have resigned two years later due to a child with additional needs and not enjoying the relentless juggle, but that's a different story.

Would you have to quit and then look for another job in a few years or can you take an unpaid carer break from work? In my company you can take up to two years (as long as you've worked there 3 years and haven't had a career break in the past 3 years), so although you would miss out on pension you wouldn't be "starting again" as such when returning to work.

I'm currently taking a 6 month break to extend my maternity leave while the kids are young. Not for childcare costs, just to spend time with my kids while they're little.

I do, which is why I am not and wouldn’t be viewing it as quitting to be a stay at home mum, rather a short term decision to fulfil a need over the next 2 years.

I enjoyed working FT when I had 1 in childcare at the lower rate, I liked getting dressed for work, having something for myself, and having money for nice things. However I don’t work as a hobby and don’t see the appeal if we have no additional money until school in 2026.

My awareness and having watched one show on Netflix doesn’t mean a) I watch too much tv b) negate the very real issue we are having with teenagers in this country

If you're literally working for nothing, why not take a year or two off and spend it with your child instead, far more valuable use of your time

Op i knew a lady with twins who ended up with 2 years leave of absence after her maternity leave for the same reason.

Her salary would be gone and they'd be eating into his.
Combined they were better off with her not working and no childcare cost than they were with her working.

Not to mention the stress levels and the precious time with your kids.

I don’t think so. I really believe the issue starts at home. The most pivotal time for a childs brain development happens between 0-3; they need to have their emotional needs met to feel a sense of security and this is best done by having a parent raise them during those first 3 years of their lives. It then is very important to have a parent at home when they arrive home from school, to sit down and have dinner together as a family and raise children who feel emotionally connected to their parents and be able to talk to them. Having both parents at work full time from so early on is a new phenomemon and so is social media. Children are now expected to fit around a parents lives and schools are effectively raising them; they are more influenced than ever by external influences outside the family, and the parents are often too busy to notice. Every single parent in this country needs to have a long, hard look at their family dynamic and ask some very uncomfortable questions. Let’s not confuse prioritising a child’s emotional needs with coddling.

It's a crappy few years op. Not gonna lie.
But I needed to think long term re pension, career progression. It paid off for me.

And how forgiving is your industry, the level of your role and workplace in getting back into it after a career break?

It’s depressing how far the UK standard of living has fallen behind the likes of Germany and France. The trouble is most people don’t even realise it.

OP I feel your pain only this month have we not had the equivalent of cancelling out a full salary with fees (39k).

We chose to continue workinf because of pensions but also our children love nursery and we have watched a number of friends have more issues down the line then getting them into funded hours upset etc.

Ultimately its for you guys to decide, I would say its harder to get back into a position so if you can do a career break agreed then that's better. Just make sure your registered with child benefit (the person who is having a break) do their NI contributions are paid.

The most important thing is raising children into happy, well-adjusted adults who play a positive role in society and in their relationships. And that can be done by working parents as well as non- working parents. So don’t have your confidence knocked by the few posters who are trying to convince you that you’re somehow not giving your children such a good deal by having a career.

it’s a tough place to be in @SofiewooI know from experience of 2 in nursery. But it’s only a short while , this is the worst bit when it’s your whole salary. Fwiw I’m glad I continued working when the nursery swallowed my entire salary and my children are very happy, well adjusted adults now (as they no doubt would be if I’d not worked- though I’d be looking at a much less comfortable old age!)

Agreed OP i hate when people say it's half from each of you.
It doesn't change the bottom line.
I dont feel any better thinking me and my husband each only earn half a salary for doing a full time job.
Doesn't matter - the family as a whole are still down almost a whole salary and that's just crap.
And it's a complete scam that nurseries are supposed to give 30 hours free and effectively they don't they just up the cost of all your other hours.
Government have got to do something about it or parents just won't bother to work, why would you if you lose half of each parents wage to childcare.
Better off working minimal hours eg 16hrs a week each and claiming benefit top ups..... And that's why we have a productivity problem in the UK.

You are preaching to the converted. I work in HR. Manage the gender pay gap report, recruitment, starting salary negotiations, flexible working requests, maternity and shared parental leave. I know all this.

I don’t know anyone who has the low expectations you mention - not in real life anyway, and I’m glad.

Where I work actually has a pay gap in favour of women, we have a large take up of shared parental leave, and I can think of a few male colleagues who have reduced their hours for childcare as well as several sahd’s with partners in the organisation. None of that makes a difference though if the choice is the woman drops her hours and they can survive on the man’s salary, or the man drops his hours and it’s going to cripple a family financially. We’ve come a huge way from women being expected to give up work on marriage, to the 60s where women had massive changes in terms of liberation, and from then to now. It’s all very well recognising what needs to change - and there is change and it is going in the right direction, but it’s not a quick movement, society takes generations to change, not short years, and it doesn’t solve the problems in the here and now.

How much annual leave do you get? I'd be tempted to ask for an unpaid sabbatical. You're also entitled to 8 weeks unpaid parental leave. As is your DH. You could probably get 6 months off using just that and annual leave