To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

Confiscate her phone and change the internet password. Do not give it back to her until she learns some manners and more importantly RESPECT! As for your hubby laughing along with her - WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS?
I'm absolutely seething on your behalf BUT it won't change unless you start respecting yourself and demanding respect from your husband and daughter!!!!!

Did you make it clear to her that you weren’t going out as a result of her mean and unkind behaviour or did you just stay at home because you felt low but not equate this to her behaviour?

Suggested consequences for being mean/ unkind would be: being sent to room until can apologise and be nice, removing tech (phone/ TV/ consoles etc), temporary grounding or earlier curfew, temporary loss of pocket money. I would also sit down and be clear that what she said is hurtful, unkind and unacceptable, that she hurt your feelings and that ‘roasting’ with personal insults is not funny. Make it clear that you will not be taking her out if she behaves like that and that if she says those kinds of things again then you will extend the consequences.

You and youngest should have gone and done something she’d enjoy without her and she stayed at home.

No screen time for 2 days

your DH should have made her apologise to you. If not then something gets taken away - a game she likes, phone etc. Not that she should have a phone at all at that age…

They say consequences should be immediate and proportionate.

If the op and her husband allow unrestricted, unfiltered access to YouTube and similar on iPads/tablets then they cannot be surprised or upset if the consequences of allowing that become apparent 🤷‍♀️

I'm absolutely stunned. My kids are adults now but when I think of them at 10 they would never dream of being offensive like that. Just awful - and she persisted!
Please don't allow yourself to be damaged by this. She's totally in the wrong.

Firstly, I’d start with your husband and tell him that if ever supports that sort of shit again he will be looking after brat daughter by himself in the future. He needs to be on side. If not, end the marriage now.

Then the daughter would be told that engaging like a bitch (yes I’d use the word) isn’t something I’m ever going to tolerate so all privileges revoked including all screens, lifts, treats etc.

Lastly, I’d put myself first all the time from now on. You aren’t just mum and wife you’re a person so start treating that person well. But more clothes, get the haircut and colour, go out with friends.

Make husband and Bitch daughter realise you matter as much as them (probably more as I expect you hold the family together) and they need to stop taking you for granted and treating you like dirt.

This behaviour deserves full nuclear but also for you to prioritise yourself.

I’m sending hugs as you sound like you need them.

Is that what's happening? Has the OP said this?

It really is shocking. I can't think of any child I've known that would behave like this to their own mother.

You should have told them loudly that actually you were embarrassed about being seen out in public, not because of weight, but because of dd and dh ugly behaviour. I'd have walked out and not spoken to, helped or even acknowledged their existence until I got a grovelling apology.

You should take your younger dd out and spoil her and yourself.

@FleurDeFleur
Yes, on another thread.

Is she getting this from stuff online or pals at school - they may have started noticing and commenting on adults.
im not sure why you are so distressed as she is only 10 and being silly and rude. Go out with your younger child as part punishment.
How delightful are she and DH to look at?
Youre giving her power she doesn’t have.

You handle it by punishing her. Does she have a phone? An iPad for entertainment? A tv in ber room?

DH needs to stop encouraging her - he needs to apologise profusely to you for joining in the 'fun' she had at your expense. It would be a very good idea for DH to apologise at the dinner table while you're all sitting there eating, and you and he can tell her off together. She needs to be cut down to size.
Would he be willing to participate in a set piece like this?

You will need to explain to him that it is never, ever ok to comment on a woman's shape or size, and it is never OK to encourage a child to believe such comment is acceptable or funny, either giving or receiving. If your H won't do a set piece apology to you, you need to address the whole family over the dinner table, and tell them what was unacceptable and why, and that you expect a sincere apology from both H and D. Then get up and leave the table and do not do a single thing for either of them until you get an apology.

For your part, you need to put an end to the wallowing and the angst. Take time to go shopping and try on clothes. Buy clothes you like. If DD pipes up with a rude comment, tell her you don't remember asking for her opinion. If she compliments you, thank her. If she or anyone else in the family speaks to you like that again, get up and leave - leave the cinema, cafe, restaurant, church, theatre, pool, zoo, whatever. Do not sit there while others insult you.

Sit down with DD and explain that roasting is separated from bullying by a very fine line and can only be done when both parties are in the mood, and fornthe record, you are not in the mood, ever. Tell her if she ever speaks to you like that again, she will be punished, and if you ever hear of her crossing the line into bullying another student, she will also be punished.

Sounds like she already is!

Well isn’t she a shitbag. What a horrible child. Why don’t you actually say that to her. She’s 10 and bold enough to intentionally and maliciously hurt you so why don’t you tell her she is horrible. I really hope that you have punished her.

My boys roast each other and my husband and I about being fat eg your so fat......jokes.
I ask them not to and explain it's not funny/could be unkind. However, they would never say anything personal or actually unkind/specific regarding my appearance.
She has obviously seen that it is upsetting you to make comments about your appearance and for some reason is choosing to use this power against you. She probably doesn't understand the societal complexities around woman and their weight.
I would try my best to detach from the comments and rather than laying on thick how she is hurting your feelings, calmly explain to her that making comments about anyone's weight/appearance is extremely rude, very unkind and will not be tolerated. It is essential your husband is on board and not laughing at any comments regarding people's appearance.

That was unacceptably rude and mean of her, OP. It is worse that your DH laughed along and didn't immediately tell her off. I think that's worth a separate conversation with him about the need to respect and support each other.

I do think you should keep and enjoy your new clothes. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

I cannot imagine any of my three children or my two stepchildren ever thinking of saying something like this to me. I have been overweight ever since I had children and I know how hurtful this must have been.

I agree with PP’s that the devices need to be removed, you need to look carefully at what she has been seeing online and if you give them back then you need to install software to limit access and monitor what is being viewed closely.

I also agree that you should speak to her teacher, as if anything like this is going on at school it is bullying and it has to stop.

Your ‘D’H is a disgrace and a serious conversation needs to be had, he has to have your back in this and going forward as DD becomes a teenager.

Keep your lovely new things and go out for some special treats over the holidays with your youngest.

I’ve heard that term roasting from my 11 year old daughter. There is one girl in her class who is particularly known for doing it to everyone - it’s nothing other than bullying!

i'd like to add the point, knowing how feral teenagers are, if you don't nip this in the bud swiftly she is going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at school and end up getting the crap beaten out of her for it, and make herself a target for bullying.

you NEED to handle this.

She is 10, she knows full well the impact of these sorts of comments! I would have been coming down on her like a ton of bricks!

I agree. Your husband needs to back you on this, not laugh while she abuses you. True she’s only 10, but such persistent rudeness is appalling, totally unacceptable. Also she’s at risk of becoming deeply unpopular — despite the superficial power of bullying.

But your husband is part of the problem. If I heard someone, even a child, abusing someone I love, I would be furious. His laughter was encouraging her.

As for your weight, please don’t let her hurtful behaviour spoil your pleasure in some new clothes. Being abused can really hit your self-confidence. I’m sure you look much nicer than you think. Anyway, most people don’t notice other people unless they are doing or wearing something bizarre!

My nephew does this to my brother in law and I think it’s shocking. BIL is very slightly overweight but very hard on himself so nephew may have learnt it from BIL himself. However most shocking to me is that no one on DHs side of the family tells him off or corrects him - they sometimes join in/laugh too and MIL regularly brings up BILs weight as a topic of conversation when all family are present. I hate it.

Your ten year old is old enough to know better and was incredibly unpleasant and is heading towards being an unpleasant adult if she’s it’s not made absolutely clear to her, consistently and clearly that this is not how we treat people.
No way would o accept that behaviour from my children.
your husband sounds like a vile, pathetic excuse for a husband. Who the fuck laughs along with someone insulting their wife. Who emcourages their young child to be cruel and rude. They sound like a pair of bullies with no consideration or kindness in their bodies. Protect your youngest from becoming the same as them.

I’d be mean girl back and say “ well sorry to be the one to tell you love but you look just like me when I was 10, you’ve got my genes, so there’s something for you to look forward to” and I’d flounce out.

Do not do this FFS!!
Shockingly bad advice!