To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

My initial thought @iCantStopppEatinggg was that she needs to be roasted right back, not about her looks but about her personality and the way she makes other people feel.

And then I thought - maybe she already has been?
Maybe this behaviour is a consequence of having been ‘roasted’ herself and she doesn’t know how to handle it except to join in. ‘If you can’t beat them join them’ approach.

It’s often said that bullies become bullies because somebody has hurt them and the only way they know to protect themselves is to pretend it’s funny and to do it to others.

Maybe you and/or your DH can sit her down at a time when she’s feeling mellow and learn a bit more about the ‘roasting’ that has been going on in school and what her experiences of it have been?

Tell her that you know that she is a sweet kind girl deep inside and tell her how proud of her you were X years ago when she did Y or Z (think of examples that show her in her very best light). Tell her that you will always love her for who you know she is inside, and can she help you understand where the meanness has come from?

I might lose it a bit, tbh. Angrily, What did you say to me? How dare you be so mean and rude! We don't speak like that in our family.
Then send her to her room and tell her to stay there and think about her behaviour and come out when she's ready to apologize. When she does, I wouldn't let her off the hook. I'd reinforce how awful the words were, they hurt and how disappointed I am that my own daughter would be mean to me. I would also ask who she has learned it from at school, that the behaviour is very mean and that people won't want to associate with her if she continues.
I'd also try and determine if there are some issues that beed to be dealt with causing the behaviour.

Take away her phone/PC/games console for a couple of days with the expectation that she writes you a letter of apology where she states she will never use such horrible and personal insults again. Nip this in the bud quickly. You do not want her starting secondary school with this mentality as it will just escalate big time! Keep the letter and use it as a reminder if she ever needs one again. Keep the phone confiscation to a few days maximum (unless she continues this) as for her age group, she would really struggle but you don’t want to isolate her from friends for too long with it being school holidays. I hope you get to see some remorse from her asap!!

Wow I gasped in disgust at this. My 10yr old DD showers me with compliments and becomes tearful if I criticise myself. I’ve never ever heard her say a bad word about anyone. But even if she wasn’t like that, she wouldn’t dare…..! Not because she’s afraid of me, but because she knows that there will be consequences and I will follow through with them.

This is learnt behaviour, OP. At this age, they’re like giant sponges. They observe behaviours & attitudes and mimic them. She is being taught by somebody how to be a bully and a bloody nasty one at that.
You need to nip this in the bud and look at everybody she is spending time with and how they behave. If it’s one of her friends, stop her seeing them. One thing you need to do regardless though, is give her a real consequence for what she said to you. Whether your DH approves or not. Don’t let her get away with this, be consistent.

Just from my own school experience around 10/11 was the absolute worst time for meanness - still young enough to lack tact/maturity/real introspection on how hurtful words can be without guidance, but too old to excuse it on the basis of not meaning it/too young to understand etc. And unfortunately in my experience it was mostly the girls that were starting to be nastier around this age.

I think you need to really explain to her how her words make you feel. I'm sure your DD isn't bad deep down - I still wince when I remember (and I'm 40!) saying something mean to my mum about her being stupid/boring at this age. She really laid it out to me how much I'd hurt her, my dad (who at that age was a bit of a hero to me) had strong words with me as well and I was honestly devastated and never ever repeated it. It's really important for you and DH to present a united front and be very clear that this is not acceptable and is not the behaviour you expect from her. You don't want this to develop into bullying behaviour. Good luck OP, and I'm sure you look great in your new clothes!

@iCantStopppEatinggg has a pattern in her previous threads

A mum who dismisses her feelings, a DH who invalidates her. Friends who take the piss, workmen who do a bad job. Nieces who hate her and a sister who tried it on with her DH.

It feels like she hates her life and her lifestyle So many feelings and so much negativity. It's out of control.

There's no doubt that this 10 year old madam has been as rude as fuck but it's only a part of the issue which I think is about the op taking steps to regain control of her life and start to love and respect herself. And ditching the deadwood which mostly has always read like her DH.

The rest will follow.

A week I don't think so. I would be upset to start but I would be so angry. There would be no easter eggs, no birthday plans. Being left out of things and taking younger DC out. She has to get how horrible and nasty she has been and DH has got to come down on her like a ton of bricks too and back you up.

You have a big issue here my kids say the exact opposite even if they are lying. She wouldn’t be going anywhere all holidays if she’d called me fat. But more so why are you listening to her? You shouldn’t have gone and got new clothes because a ten year old told you to that should have been for you not her to decide. Bloody awful behaviour from your daughter. I have never forgotten the lad at my primary who called my mum fat, she didn’t react at all but I often think of the embarrassment that she must have felt.

You’re an adult a parent, you step up and be one even if that’s pushing your feelings of not wanting to leave the house away. She’s 10 FFS are you really going to let a 10yo bully you into not leaving the house?

You talk to her, you don’t care if she’s says she’s not going to lie, it’s not about lying, it’s about having manners, being kind and respectful as a parent it’s your job to teach her this and certainly not act all hurt by her comments. Yes she will be learning this at school and just because the kids are “roasting” each other dose not make it right. It would 100% not be allowed in my 10yo DDs school.

i have 3 girls, none of them would ever dream of saying this to me, I’m overweight, managed to drop from a size 22 to a 16, but I don’t talk about it to my DDs. They know I have health issues which increased my weight, they don’t care, I’m their mum they love me and the younger ones tell me I’m beautiful, the older one use to but she’s more reserved hitting puberty.

The older one heard me talking to friends the other day and I talked about how my mum from the age of 9 would tell me how fat I was, my dd was indignant and got angry I was body shamed as a child, her words! She also said NO INE SHOULD EVER BE BODY SHAMED! Your dd needs to learn this.

i would not hold back, I’d say how would you like me telling you your ugly, your a mean girl, your stupid for not getting something right. I’d absolutely shame her to understand it’s not ok. You obviously tell her you don’t feel that way but what if you did, would it be ok to say it whether she liked it or not. I’d also be talking to the school, find out this “roasting” business as to me it sounds like another word for bullying.

But seriously, grow up and stop being put down by a 10yo!

Also I think a lot of mums go through the weight gain not buying them selves anything and living out of leggings and baggy tops phase, I know I did for a good 5 or so years. You now know it’s time for a change, wear what you like and ignore any comments by people, especially children on how you look.

And stop punishing your younger child, take them out while your dd stays home, take her phone as punishment for being rude, stop playmates or treats, but don’t let your other child miss out.

I agree
and I’d worry if she is or will become a school bully because the way she’s talking to you is exactly that.

As another poster asked.
When she says these things whats her punishment!

OP, it's time to switch out of wet lettuce mode.
This needs an assertive response. Not one ounce of weakness, upset or vulnerability. I can sense you're at risk of ongoing belittling by your husband in tandem with your own kid.

Something like this to daughter -
I've thought about what you said. That is so nasty, such an unacceptable way to talk to me. That is never to happen again, whatever your thoughts on my appearance. Do you understand? I want a genuine, believable apology from you. Think about this and come find me when you are prepared to apologise and make me feel confident you won't ever speak to me like that again.'

There would be a consequence here for me. You can do something nice with the other child and don't invite her. I'd say, I feel so uncomfortable about your nasty disrespectful behaviour towards me that I don't particularly want to spend this activity with you right now.

That links the consequence to the behaviour then. She's absolutely old enough to know.

It is absolutely disgraceful your husband laughed. Is he a gaslighter? Does he say things like ' it's just a joke', ' it's just banter ' ' you're too sensitive:.

Anyone who says shit like this is someone to be very cautious of. I spent years dealing with ' banter ' from certain family. I'm now no contact with the main one. After much therapy it helped me realise they are certainly narcissistic and employ minimisation, mocking and gaslighting.

I'd have a very assertive word with your husband about this. It is beyond disgusting.

It doesn't matter if you're the size of a bloody elephant. It's about respect.

I think there are 2 things going on here.

Your own lack if self worth and desire to change. Look into dieting and exercise regimes. Fast 800 is very good as is taking up couch 2 5k.

You shouldn't have to change because of what a 10yo says but could use this as the motivation you need.

Secondly she needs a proper punishment for her rudeness and disrespect. I suggest removing gaming/Netflix/phone privileges for the duration of the holidays and expecting never to hear her talking to you like this again.

Based on your post I just had a talk with my 11yo to explain they needed to be very careful with "roasting" friends and it can't be an excuse to say nasty things as a "joke". If only one of you is laughing its not funny.

im not blaming you op, but your reaction isn’t right.

your dd behaved appallingly and your husband laughing with her is utterly unacceptable.

and you have responded by buying new clothes?

your self esteem has probably been absolutely smashed to pieces by your vile husband. If you got rid of him, you’d probably find your self esteem gets better.

youve asked what would other mums do, but it’s difficult because I would hope that there’s very very few children who would dare speak to their mother like that, and I hope even fewer husbands who wouldn’t have full on supported you in response.

the pair of them sound utterly vile and I have no advice for how to get out of this now.

He has laughed at her when she’s said it, so authorised her to do it all the more as she thinks she is funny, I would be having stern words with husband then daughter with husband

Yes, come down on her hard. She needs to realise the impact of her words on you and anyone else she may chose to belittle or bully.
And your DH needs to understand he must have your back.
But your reaction sounds like you're not happy with your body/appearance either, in which case you should take steps to get healthy and lose weight- for YOU!

As an additional point though @iCantStopppEatinggg, your self esteem seems to be absolute rock bottom. Are you getting help for it? Primarily for your own wellbeing, and also because it seems your girl can sense this vulnerability in you and maybe at one level wants / needs to hear you say “It doesn’t matter what size or shape people are and I don’t give a damn what you or anyone else things of my looks”

Model a different kind of power.

You should have still done something out, just not with her. Even if she’s doing it because she’s learning it elsewhere, it’s absolutely not acceptable to talk like that to your parents (or anyone, really).

Having said that, there might be a reason this is getting under your skin this badly. Not even the best leggings in the world can resist 5 years straight of wear. My weight yo-yos a lot and I used to put off shopping until my inevitably “I’ll fit in again” but truly, you feel so much better if your clothes fit you well, at any weight. If you don’t want to spend too much maybe try Vinted.

OP I also have a 10 year old daughter and she's mentioned that people 'roast' each other at school but she's never said anything like that to me or her dad it's just too personal. She does come out with 'Your mum's so fat...' jokes but then I say oh I'm telling nanny you said that and she says it's not real though! But they are the generic jokes like your mum's so ugly, your mum's so stupid, it's not intended to be an insult more of what phrases her and her 8 year old brother can they say to sound the funniest but they wouldn't dare say it to anyone and actually mean it. You need to sit her down and tell her how it's not nice to talk about people's bodies like that and when she's older she might have something about her body she doesn't like and how would it feel if someone kept mentioning it? That ought to shut her up.

A consequence should not be one that affects others.
If she has a phone or iPad etc take them away for a day
If she has an arranged visit with friends cancel it

What treats do you allow, they could be taken away.

or similar

I would just take the well behaved one and make it very clear why. Every time, consistently.

I’d come down on this like a tonne of bricks. Tell her if you hear her ‘roasting’ anyone, including you, again she’ll have her devices taken away, grounded for a couple of weeks so she misses something important to her, and if she does any clubs she’s stopping them for a month - and then follow through on it. You need to give your dick head husband a good talking to as well. He’s only encouraging this mean girl bully behaviour.

Did you say anything to her in the moment? Like what was your response when she said it? It sounds like she just totally got away with it and you showed her she was right by going out and buying new clothes.

not a good idea...that models approval. Like smacking achild because they hit you.

I’m certain she is a bully at school too.

My niece is 10. She compliments and bigs up everyone, especially the women in her life. Your daughter needs to be taught some manners. Sounds like child-to-parent abuse and needs stopped. Your husband sounds like a disgrace for laughing. They don’t deserve you.