To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

She is plenty old enough to learn that you can be kind without lying, and that somebody’s size and weight never need to be mentioned. Continuing to do so after it has made you upset is not just unkind, it is cruel.

You need to explain this properly to your DH and get him fully on board.

You - both of you - need to explain to your daughter just how unacceptable this is and how unhappy she has made you.

She needs to apologize properly. If I were your DH, I would get her to write a list/make a card of all the things she loves about you.

This. All hell would have broken loose if I had dared ever speak to my mother like that!

Little madam! She needs taking down several pegs.

I would tell the little madam until she can behave, apologise and actually show some remorse the holiday activities are cancelled. Arrange for your husband who doesn’t seem much better to watch her and take your youngest out. I would also be telling her that I would be speaking to the school about her vile behaviour.

And if you like the new clothes and feel good in them, keep them. If not, send them back and wear what you do like.

She's a bit of a bully, isn't she? I guess there will be no treats for her for the foreseeable then will there? Mum needs to spend all her money on healthy food, a gym membership and a new wardrobe.

The fact that she uses the terminology used by comedians (roasting) just goes to show that when comedians say absolutely anyone and everything can be joked about it just isn't true.

Does she know what roasting really means? When comedians roast each other it seems to me that it is usually consensual in that the person being roasted knows that this is what is going to happen and is in on the joke (apart from Ricky Gervais). Perhaps you need to explain this to her.

She has to be careful when she goes to secondary school because she might end up roasting the wrong person and end up finding out that her goose is cooked.

How overweight are you @iCantStopppEatinggg? No judging from me as I'm very overweight but is it possible another child at school has said something to her and she's throwing it back at you?

She did not “roast” you. She was vile and down right horrible to you and at 10 years old she should know better.

Also you not going out as a family because you felt so bad was not a consequence for her. She needs a direct consequence for her behaviour. E.g. no phone for 3 days, cancel seeing her friends, pocket money deducted, (if you do pocket money), no TV, extra chores, and explain exactly the reason why she has had the punishment.

As for your husband - well I have no words. I can’t believe that he actually laughed and went along with it so that has really not helped set boundaries here - very strong words for him too.

I would also be very worried about her becoming the bully at school (if she already isn’t) - if she can speak like this to her own mum I can only imagine how she “roasts” other children. You need to have a very clear conversation about this and the difference between a “joke” or a “roast” (which the other person should find funny) and being a nasty bully.

Yup. I’d have given it back to her double. Probably not the MN-approved parenting method but I’d be willing to bet she never did it again.

How awful of her. And worse of your husband! I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think they probably say nasty things to each other at school. Dd had a friend who'd say things like this. I found her so rude. I'd be nipping this is the bud. I'd take away her pocket money, as you'll be buying new clothes with it for a few weeks now. Find something that really gets to her and stop it. Don't give it back until she gives you a genuine apology and does something round the house to make amends. You are not fat and ugly. They just say horrible things sometimes. But you don't want this one ruling the roost. Take control. And I'd be giving dh a bollocking for not supporting you when dd was being extremely rude.

Make sure she does nothing fun or interesting of her choice this holiday - even if it’s hard on you and tell her in no uncertain terms exactly why - she knows at 10 what is rude and what isn’t and what is hurtful - get the message over that actions have consequences- and the consequence is she’s lost her holiday perks

She’s old enough to know better than to speak to anyone like that, let alone her own mum!
I can imagine you feel truly heartbroken hearing that from your own DD.
Years ago my DD said “you still look pregnant” - this was about 3 years after DS was born. She said it in front of lots of family members and it stung. I put it down to her enjoying the laugh she got. She was around the same age as your DD and getting a laugh is important at the age - however untrue or cruel it is.

I do think you need to reinforce that at secondary school, speaking to people like that won’t gain her any friends.

And wear your new clothes!!! If you feel good in them wear them! Your DD is 10. She knows little to nothing about fashion so ignore her!

Focus on her behaviour rather than you being the target.

This.

Telling her you feel hurt probably makes her feel that your wellbeing is in her hands and you are begging / needing her to look after you.

The wrong dynamic altogether! Her behaviour is rude and out of order, whether you happen to look like Florence Pugh or a Gruffalo.

The point is her behaviour was deeply out of order whoever she was talking about.

Rise up, find your anger, Get MAD!

This is a DD issue not a wardrobe issue. That was incredibly hurtful and she is old enough to show empathy for others and know better. You and your husband need to discuss suitable punishment for this kind of behaviour.

if my child spoke to me like that there would have been an immediate "Excuse me? What did you just say to me?" and i'd have expected her to repeat it. then have said something like "How DARE you speak to me like that, how DARE you say something like that to ANYONE. we DO NOT speak to people like that.. how would you like it if someone said that to you?"

Depending on the answer.. and by the sound of it from your DD it would have been 'me and my friends do it all the time, we don't care" etc.. i'd follow with something like.

"I do not care what you and your friends think is ok, i'm telling you that is NOT ok, you don't comment on other peoples appearance, its incredibly bad manners, and you certainly NEVER speak to an adult like that, and definitely NEVER me."

Then i'd follow with a warning/consequence. "IF i EVER catch you speaking like that about ANYONE EVER AGAIN you'll be losing access to your tablet/phone/time outside (whatever is most important) until you can learn some manners and behave like a decent human, and not a nasty bully."

I wouldn't have given DH much better a response either. Who the fuck laughs at his wife being roasted by a 10yo, my ExH was a cunt but he wouldn't have tolerated that from either of our kids. I'd have gone through your DH for a shortcut too.

Yes she hurt your feelings, but jfc, grow a pair and parent your child and teach some bloody manners before it really gets out of hand. You do not and CANNOT let that kind of behaviour slide because she hurt your feelings.

🙄

My goodness, I have a10yo dd and she's telling me not to lose more weight as she likes my arms being squidgy and comfortable to cuddle on. She'd never dream of being so fucking obnoxious. I suggest sitting down and saying very clearly that whether they do that in school or not, you don't behave like that within your family. This isn't acceptable behaviour and that you're very concerned at the kind of person she is choosing to become. I would explain that your worth is not connected to your weight and that you are a valued person and that you expect your daughter to show you courtesy and respect. I would go further and suggest that if she cannot say anything nice, then she take herself away with no Internet and consider why she thinks it's OK to be so cruel to you, and to consider the choices that she is making because these choices are not OK. . This isn't a joke, it isn't funny, roasting in general isn't actually a game because many people end up with hurt feelings and I would step up to parent before you find that it's too late.

Don't give her any soft speeches about unkindness. You and your husband need to have zero tolerance for rude, offensive and disrespectful behaviour.
Spell that out.
Have a rewards chart to build up postive behaviour if you want to, but this Easter, make sure that your younger child gets the treats. Oh and get the pair of them off devices.

I think the phrase originated with the Friar's Club roasts a zillion years ago. Comedians would get together at the Friar's Club for a dinner and "roast" the guest of honor - just generally say mean but ostensibly funny things about them. But it was considered and honor and the person could choose not to participate.

It has morphed into people just ribbing each other. But generally the person either asks to be roasted, or they're all participating, not just one person being mean to another.

Your daughter sounds truly vile. And I would put money on she is bullying other children calling them fat and ugly. You need to sort this out asap. This is not acceptable. If my daughter spoke like that to me or anyone in my family I would be furious and making a point of more than just saying you’ve hurt my feelings.
your ‘D’ H laughing a long also makes her behaviour acceptable. It most likely comes from him. Read him the riot act. What a pair of pricks you live with

oh Op no wonder you are upset she’s been very rude.

tell her that nobody should ever make a comment to someone about their appearance that they can’t change in 30 seconds. For example completly fine to say ‘your tag is hanging out your top’ , ‘just to let you know you have food in your teeth’, ‘that top is see through/hole in your trousers if you didn’t know’. Those are fine but saying someone is ‘fat’ can’t be changed in 30 seconds and that’s unacceptable and unhelpful

explain to her that she missed out on London because you were too upset to go. Life is about supporting people in your life and trying to be the best person you can be. It is not about roasting and being a mean girl because she needs to be careful with comments like that especially when going to high school.

all of this. Yes you need to have a firm talk with your husband. Because you were hurt yes, but also because he was modelling awful behaviour to your daughter. I do think you need to take this to school, especially if it came out of the blue and if it did come out of the blue is she trying to stay friends with the mean girls? I get that she caught you on the raw but she IS a child and you are the adult. That means that you can't let your feelings get in the way of your parenting. Yes she is 10, yes she is old enough to know not to be rude, but I don't think (at least I hope) that she doesn't understand how body image issues can affect adults. I know its an old MN saw but I'd defininitely be removing her internet access totally, and checking to see what is on her phone if you don't already. Not to punish although it will, but to protect her. For one thing if she tries that stuff on others, she's likely to get much worse than a telling off and treat removal!

It's a term where people who do actually like each-other take the piss, in the spirit of humour, Something like banter, ribbing, sledging.... Sadly adults frequently take it too far, and I doubt very much that most 10 year olds have the sophistication to say anything genuinely witty, so it's more likely to just become nasty and cruel.
I believe in acting/comedian circles, it's historically used as an excuse for a fund-raiser, or to honour people. i.e. a 'roast' will be held in someone's honour, but in addition to saying nice things about the guest of honour, people will also tell a few tales, and make jokes about them.

Little brat! She is old enough to know better.