To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

She's bullying you. The consequence for that in my house would be,

"You are clearly having trouble keeping unkind thoughts in your head, and you're not mature enough yet to understand what will and won't hurt someone.

"That's OK, it does take a while for empathy to develop in some people. We all struggle to learn things sometimes.

"But you have really, really hurt me, and I can't let you hurt other people like that. So I will be talking to your teacher at school. I'll tell them what you have been saying to me at home and asking them to keep a closer eye on what you are saying and doing at school, so they can help you if more unkind words accidentally come out.

"Until I can trust that you understand that words have consequences, you won't be going to your friends' houses or out with them, because I can't trust you to be kind, and I'll take your phone now please for the same reason.

"You said that you called me fat because it's the truth and I am fat. I want you to have a think about why that might upset me, and we can get together the same time tomorrow and you can tell me the reasons you've come up with. I want to see if you understand what upsets people because there might be something different about the way you look at the world that we'd need to talk to someone else about."

I'd hold this as a very firm boundary. She wouldn't be seeing anyone outside of school or using her phone until she could be trusted, and I'd want school to keep an eye on her behaviour to make sure it's not the start of something awful. I'd tell her we'd review things every month until she had learned how to be kind.

Then I'd fire your husband into the sun for laughing with her.

I am so, so sorry your daughter did this.

How old are you op? I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. All I can think is you need to take back some power. Also coming from the other side.. my mum growing up (wasn’t overweight) wore the most awful clothes and I felt deeply embarrassed. I think I also hurt her by what I said a few times. I wanted a mum that took more care with their appearance. It oddly made me feel shame and weirdly I felt scared friends would think the same of me…

I have to say I also think Mounjaro is an absolute miracle!! Ive lost my 2.5 st Covid weight and feel so much better! My mum was also I’m afraid to say a bit of a door mat and hated that so much 😖

OP
You need to take your feelings out of this and switch into parenting mode.

She has been rude, and pure mean. Your weak reaction to it has shown her the power she can have by being mean- this is not helping her.

And words fail that your husband laughed, but I suspect this isn't the first time he's been a jerk to you

There are 2 separate things going on here and you need to deal with them independently.

1. you need to get your self esteem back in shape. Make some choices that will help that happen, be realistic and trust that it will take time but set yourself on a path to feeling more confident in yourself and proud of yourself (no matter what your size or shape).
2. you need to tackle your DDs behaviour head on. Her continued “roasting” after you had got new clothes and also explained how her words had hurt you is concerning and needs nipped in the bud. She is forming her own opinions and thats fine but she needs to learn when she should and shouldnt share these and the difference between being honest and unkind. Consequences should be removal of things she values such as screen time or outings and enforce these consistently if she continues to ignore your advice/ground rules and hurt others feelings. Your DH needs to be on board with this. Id be interested to know if it is just you she has strong opinions on or does she also dare to crticise your DHs appearance?

Another of my daughter's friends, a girl, was told by another girl at the age of 7 that she is fat. Our daughter's friend was really slim child. School teach one thing, but kids are kids

It is entirely her fault. You had a lovely treat and she ruined it and hurt you by being offensive, rude and disrespectful.
How on earth would she even think that's remotely ok? What are relationships like at home, how do you speak to each other?
She's 10 and old enough to know better.
What a horrible thing to do.

If she hasn't heard these comments from your husband then surely it is someone in her circle of friends - either way, it is cruel, disrespectful and judgmental. Perhaps the child needs a lesson in discretion, respect, and reminding of who is the parent.

I think you need to speak to her school teacher after the holiday because this bullying behaviour is obviously going on in school. Whether she's a perpetrator or a victim there remains to be determined. They need to learn the difference between light hearted banter and upsetting someone, and to stop if in any doubt.

This is a behaviour issue not a you issue. I'm so sorry you felt you had to get clothes because of a rude little girl, but I hope you enjoy your new things anyway.
The best time to apply a consequence would have been right then. Husband should have taken her home and left you to enjoy your meal in peace. Or none of you get dessert if you were going to before. Failing that, and I can't imagine my DH failing me in that, I think I would have left myself and gone to get my own treat in peace.

I suggest over the holiday you find the time to take little one out for a treat just the two of you as you didn't get to enjoy the previous one. Husband can stay at home and show 10 yr old how to weed the garden or something suitably dull. And have some conversations with her about how hurtful her behaviour was, find out who's doing it to who at school.

I really disagree that she doesn’t have the maturity to know her words are hurtful. She’s 10 not 4.

What is ‘roasting’? (I have no kids at school to ask!)

My main focus would be a conversation of what is acceptable to say to anyone. Your dh should have backed you up in the first place. I would be honest I feel x about how I look. I’d have a conversation about being kind and what is and isn’t ok. You say your consequence was not going to London as you didn’t feel up to it but what was her consequence that doesn’t involve you or your other child.

I haven't read all the replies but her behaviour was unacceptable. I remember watching a video years ago about once you say hurtful words it can't be undone
It was demonstrated with a fresh bit of paper, then crumpled up and when they tried to straighten it out the crumples remain because you can't undo it
I also saw it done with toothpaste and how you can't get it back in the tube

Would something like that help her see that once she says these hurtful things they remain with the person?

Sorry she's being rude to you xx

My DD would have had a severe talking to and a pretty severe consequence for this. You could try to get her to understand how words are hurtful and how they make role feel. I don’t have any helpful resources but I’m sure if you looked up videos etc you could find something suitable, I know I’ve seen cartoon strip like resources that illustrate what happens when someone is continually put down.

If you feel good in your new clothes then wear them! I know it’s easy to say but a 10 year old does not get to dictate how you feel.

The things you mentioned with the paper and toothpaste were what I was thinking of too.

You are almost certainly right. But her daughter will need to prove to her that she is mature and empathetic, and 10 not 4. Because she's behaving like she's 4. So you treat her like she's 4.

My inside voice would want to kick her arse into next week. My parenting voice would be more balanced.

Don’t punish your youngest because if the nasty comments from a 10 year old

I would sit your dh down and tell him how hurt you were at his behaviour when she started. It’s not a laughing matter it’s nasty behaviour that if not stopped will result in your child being thought of as a bully and does he actually want that? He owes you an apology and an assurance it won’t happen again

he needs to have another conversation with her with you there telling her her behaviour is not on?”, that it’s not accepting be do rude to anyone least of all to you who cooks cleans and take her places and she owes you a apology and is not to do it again

in the meantime don’t stop taking your youngest out take them and leave the 10 year old at home with her dad

And keep your clothes if you like them

Stop feeling down - start feeling angry. How dare she. She’s a bully. She needs immediate punishment - removal of screen time, story time, whatever. And you take the other child to London at the weekend while your dh looks after her. Frankly you should have taken her home immediately she started - no restaurant, no cinema. She needs a ton of bricks on her, not a weak wet response.

I assume she has a mobile phone? That would be taken off her for a week if she was one of mine.

Oh God this thread brings back memories. I did similar things to your daughter at her age. Felt really mature.

I can tell you exactly what my mum said to me because it's ingrained in my memory. It wasn't nice but it stuck.

She just stared me dead in the eyes and said "Is it really that funny or are you just turning into a mean bitch" then she told me "bitchy little bullies say things like that and it's up to you if you want to grow up into a bitchy little bully like all of your friends but the thing about bitchy little bullies is that you'll become their victim eventually and then it won't be so funny will it? Make better choices"

Funnily enough I did not want to be a bitchy, catty, arrogant little bully.

I don't know if I'd use those exact words with my kid but I'd definitely find a way to show strength and remind your daughter that "roasting" is just a word people use to justify bullying if I were in your shoes.

Please OP you need to show her every action has a consequence and you cannot go around speaking like that. The worst thing is that she spoke about you her Mother in such a way. You really need to teach her about kindness because if you don’t now come down hard on her she will get worse and it won’t be long before she starts targeting her siblings. Girls who think they can get away speaking like this are the worst.

I am shocked for you my children would never speak to me like that, if I mention anything about my weight they go and get their Dad to tell Mummy she looks beautiful and my children are adults. They would probably lose their temper if they ever heard anyone make a comment about me and I am not big just a size 14 in a body that is dealing with a chronic condition.

The way she spoke about you is so disrespectful and to do it in a public place……sounds like she was trying to shame you.

OP, you wear what you are comfortable wearing don’t worry about others opinions. You want to wear wide legged trousers wear them and own that!

You really need to have a serious talk with your daughter & have a serious talk with your husband also. Why didn’t he stop her at the meal? Good luck OP

You are allowed (and should) tell her how much she has hurt you. She is young but she needs to learn that words can be extremely hurtful and particularly comments about someone’s appearance. It is not ok.

Do you think she has somehow picked up how you feel about yourself, and now verbalising it as a way to understand it? Kids do find it difficult when the adults in their lives have low confidence because it forces them to be the confident one to compensate, and they aren’t equipped for it yet. If you had laughed and said “Yup, I’m fat and fabulous! Just more of me to love!” I wonder how she would have responded?

I won’t post what I would have said back to her, because I’ll be accused of bullying a 10 year old, but suffice to say if you start a “roast” with me, you had better be able to take a double portion yourself… Sending a big hug x

I think the best punishments are when actions have consequences. So, removing WiFi / sending to bed early feels a bit pointless and random. But "you said X, so it dented my confidence and I didn't feel up to going out. That's why you missed out on London" is exactly what I would have done

I'd take a long hard look at your husband too. Cruel that he laughed. Total lack of respect right there

I'd suggest another chat with your daughter. Best frame it as what you DO want her to do eg keep her unkind views to herself, rather than telling her "don't do X"

Haven’t RTFT but also have a yr 5 DD, the ‘roasting’ thing is some godawful American internet shite that she has also picked up from school. If she’s anything like my DD, yours doesn’t understand what ‘roasting actually is and has mistaken it for being mean. We had to have a very frank chat about the difference and how it’s only funny if the receiver finds it funny, otherwise it’s bullying. DD is very literal and blunt, so finds this sort of stuff hard to navigate.
I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel so low.

Yes, she's 10...old enough to know better. She's well aware that shs being cruel and a bully.

Keep the clothes and discipline your daughter.