To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

Go out with your youngest and leave your other dd at home with her dad.

appalling behaviour. I hope she’s grounded and all technology taken off her.

Keep the new clothes. Old tunics and leggings must be the most unflattering look imaginable. There is no excuse for your daughter's behavior though. She should be punished whatever your weight is because she meant to be unkind. I'm not sure what you can do about your husband though.

I do think you can put yourself first a bit more. Your husband could hold the fort a bit if you want to go to the gym or go for a walk or play tennis or whatever. Or if you want to get your hair done or shave your legs or try on some clothes or whatever. The fact that you haven't had any new clothes in five years when you can apparently afford them is sad. I have had to accept that after the menopause that I am a size bigger and I can tell you that nothing looks worse on me than squeezing myself into some clothes that are a size too small. I am just replacing things that don't fit. It doesn't mean that I am a lesser person or not worth nice things and getting my hair done etc.

You take away any of the things that give her status.

I wouldn’t expect much support from your husband on this (as he laughed at her calling you fat). So you start by confiscating her phone. Just move it somewhere without saying anything. Don’t tell her you’re doing this. Then when her behaviour escalates (which it will) you confiscate something else - such as her iPad or access to a laptop. This time tell her why you’re doing it (her behaviour). Change the wifi password. Refuse to let her see friends. She has zero respect for you. She needs consequences.

Most tweets do not think their parents are cool or fashionable. This is not about your weight or your clothes your dd is being obnoxious. She would be sent to her room every time, no electronics, she can come back out when she apologises.

I’m so sorry you’re so hurt. The “roasting” thing is not unusual (albeit unpleasant) and based on my DC’s school, seems to be based around “getting one over someone else”. They often don’t seem to understand the nuance of this - and it’s nasty in itself. I don’t like it at all.

But this is just plain insulting. And I’d discipline for that accordingly. She may be seeing bullying at school or even taking part in it and I think it’s really important to make it clear this behaviour isn’t acceptable. Otherwise she risks some quite nasty consequences if she says that to the wrong girl at secondary.

If you do want a bit of a wardrobe refresh, do you have any sisters or female friends who would give you honest but kind opinions as to what might be flattering?

Why don’t you punish her by putting her in girl guides - or dropping her off at an elderly relative that she hates?

Another punishment would be putting her in a Christian group. She is a mean girl and you need to remove her from her environment.

There’s so many things you can do to assert dominance.

Little cow. If that was my daughter I’d of read her the riot act. No electronics no days out nothing over Easter. A 10year old knows this is wrong. Don’t be upset op. Educate her, discipline her and wear your new clothes proudly

Oh gosh kids say the darnedest things.

I imagine when she is 35 and a mother herself she’ll be in therapy talking about how she did horrible thing to you for attention, and you hid away all day and she still feels terrible all these years later.

This is your opportunity to teach your little girl a lesson. That she and you can move on from positively together. Don’t take it personally, she’s just pushing boundaries. But teach her that she mustn’t say horrible things for attention. You’re the adult and the role model, rise up to this challenge. Show her resilience. And teach her kindness, empathy and love.

Tell her that lots of mummies are heavier than they want to be, because of the miracle of childbirth and all the hormones that come with it. Tell her about healthy eating, exercise and show her how you take care of your body.

Dont hide away and be anxious about your body. Else you risk imparting that pattern and behaviour on her when she is a grown woman.

good luck 🌺

My 10 year old told me about 'roasting' at school. He's never done it to me and I hope never would. We had a chat about making people feel bad in order to get laughs from others.

If my husband laughed along... He would not be my husband any more. How can your child possibly learn to behave better if that's his reaction?

Oh and my kid is not perfect, he once called a girl at school fat. Consequences were endless endless discussions of why not to do that, the impact it can have on people for life, and no computer time for a week.

Or you could double down OP?

When my cousin started secondary school she made some very unkind remarks, in front of her friends, about the outfit my Aunt wore to collect her from school (had to drive there). My Aunt had been gardening and was running late so arrived in her scruffs and covered in muck.

Big mistake by my cousin. Huge.

The next day my Aunt deliberately arrived at school in far muddier clothes and a very old fashioned, frilled apron and her slippers.

My cousin wisely, very wisely didn't dare say a single word. Lesson learned. My Aunt is now 81 but is still a force to be reckoned with.

Go out with your youngest and when she questions it say you don’t want to be seen in public with someone who has no manners.
This has hurt you so badly, imagine what it would do if she said similar to someone her own age. She needs a stern talking to from both parents, that roasting is not acceptable, inside or outside of your home and if you hear anything like it again that there’ll be serious consequences. If you let this slide you’ll suffer badly with her when she’s a teenager, in the long run she’ll be so grateful that you were strict with her. And I’m sure your new clothes did look lovely, so ignore her!

Sad? I'd be fucking furious. I'd be so so disappointed. And I'd be seriously worried about what horrible bullying she's doing at school that she's passing off as roasting / banter. Absolutely vile behaviour.

And as for your husband. He's an arsehole.

I'd agree with this, where on earth has she learnt that it's ok to speak to you this way.
I have a 10yr old. I'm a bit fat. She would never in a million years call me fat or in fact comment on my appearance in any way other than to show interest in jewellery I'm wearing. If I look obviously dressed up she will usually notice and say something nice. This morning when i said I just needed a few mins to put some makeup on she remarked 'why? You don't need to put makeup on?'

Signed, a very very average, overweight early 40's woman who looks quite grey /knackered without any makeup on.

That is horrendous, she's not coming out with this stuff organically and I'm so sorry it's been directed at you. It's not less hurtful coming from a 10 year old, it's more hurtful coming from your own daughter. Your husband's initial reaction was appalling.

Both of you need to speak to each other and decide how to handle it and agree on consequences - and they shouldn't affect your youngest child.

It's easy to say as all children are different but I would have a very stern talk with my daughter - with her dad as a united parent team - and she would probably be grounded and have all electronics taken. However I would also hold space for the possibility that she is struggling to deal with a 'mean' culture at school among her peers.

You sound like you're lacking in confidence, both in yourself and in your parenting. Take care of yourself, wear what you want. Your daughter doesn't need to like a damn thing you wear - or vice versa - and I'd remind her of that.

If you keep hiding away and being sad around her without cross you just teach her that she has enormous power of you and others. Yes she needs to know that her words hurt, but more than that, she needs the riot act.

And this, I believe, is everything that's wrong in the world. "Darndest thing?" This isn't some cute little thing a toddler has said.

She's already a mean girl.
You should have responded by saying excuse me how dare you speak to me that way? And imposing an immediate consequence!

What do you say when she insults you? You shouldn’t be cowering. I find a “You do not speak to me like that” in a very stern voice with a flash on the eyes has dd apologising quite quickly. Find your inner teacher voice!

Wow that's so awful. And worse that your husband laughed, if any of my children were to insult me like that my husband would be furious, not laughing. I think they definitely deserve punishment and to miss out on some fun activities, but you should go and enjoy yourself with your youngest, and if YOU like your new clothes then keep them.

This behaviour didn't come out of nowhere. You "asked" her to stop and then tried to ignore her. Why is she the boss and you meekly asking her to stop being mean? You should have left with her the moment she ignored your request to stop.
Why, at 10, does she feel that it is ok to be so mean? To comment on someones body? These are things that need to be taught from the moment they understand. 'Roasting' may be something they hear at school but that is NO excuse. She should know how to treat other people kindly and she should also not be able to walk all over you like a doormat.
Your husband sounds awful as well. You need to be mad, not sad, otherwise you'll be a target for all of them when your youngest starts joining in.
I can understand you feeling sad, I can, but wallowing and buying clothes so she might stop isn't the answer. Deal with your child and husband and then work on your own self confidence. You absolutely deserve to feel good about yourself but it's not going to happen if they have the freedom to continue to knock you down. Stop letting them.

If I were in your situation I think it would depend on the actual size we're talking about here. I know that sounds harsh. But if you've gone from say a size 6 to a size 12 then yes your daughter is a mean girl and your husband is a dick. If you're say a size 26 then realistically you know you need to do something about it for your own health and yes it's harsh of them and there are better ways to go about it, but you can turn it into the kick up the butt you need instead of "woe is me" which won't help anything.

Hopefully at secondary school she'll get what's coming to her for her bullying behaviour. Either from the teachers or older kids

My 10 year old daughter would never speak to me
like that & if she did or about anyone else she wouldn’t get away with it and my husband wouldn’t be encouraging any “roasting” either!

you need to speak to her and deal with it. Theres one of blunt comments then theres nastiness and a lack of respect.

you should wear what you want and feel most comfortable in (whether your daughter or husband agree) & maybe look at diet & exercise as well if you think you need to lose weight but first off your daughter needs talking too. Explain she has upset you and why and explain behaviour like that will have consequences and follow through on them and speak to your husband as well. I’d be looking to get rid of my husband if he didn’t support me and didn’t back me.

i would be tempted to spend the rest of the week in too bur not because of how my daughter made me feel but as a punishment for her behaviour!

FFS! Her DD was not providing a helpful reality check / taking a heroic stand against the dangerous phenomenon of “body positivity gone mad”. She was being a nasty brat.