To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. There are two separate issues going on here. Obviously your having self esteem and confidence issues which aren’t easy to fix but maybe you need ti carve out some time for yourself and work on it.

the other issue which I do think you need to try and separate your personal hurt feelings from (although I appreciate that’s difficult when your feeling vulnerable) is your daughters ridiculously selfish and hurtful behaviour. I would be coming down on this like a tonne of bricks. Removal of privileges immediately. Make it absolutely crystal clear you will not tolerate her talking to you or anyone else, be it siblings, teachers or friends in this way. She’s showing you she has no respect for you and as she approaches the teen years this will only get worse. Time to take control back before she casts herself as a bully in secondary school.

Christ, I would have descended like the Wrath of God if either of our DDs had ever intentionally insulted me like that. I would not have been tearful or playing the victim, or buying new clothes in the hope of 'pleasing' my 10 year old.

Children can only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

So, there needs to real anger and condemnation from you and your DH about her rudeness. Then there needs to be harsh sanctions. Followed by making it very clear that if she ever disrespects you in such a way again she'll be entering Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.

PS I'm fat as fuck and have always treated the word "fat" as just a descriptor around my boys - but they would never, ever - and I say this with certainty - say something so cruel to me. And my husband would never, ever let them get away with it if they did.

I would take younger child out, If elder wants to come, say NO, "I don't want to go out with you, the bully, the name caller, the sniggering loud mouth.
I'll take Milly, she still loves me enough to be kind & care."

or, "No, you hurt me, I don't want to be around you right now You had better be careful little madame, no one will want to spend time with you if you make a habit of belittling people for your own pleasure.
Let's see what I could say about you.....Spotty? Braces train tracks? rubbish at sport, other, I could go on.
It may be true, but if you don't want to hurt people you don't make hurtful disparaging remarks about their size, their clothes, their race, their religion, their color, their friends/parents...."
You can stay at home & think about how your actions that made me cry

Natural consequences.

I would just say in a calm way.

I am so sorry you feel that way. Life is going to be really hard for you with that kind of attitude.

She is old enough to understand that she will have hurt your feelings but I wouldn't make it about that. Why give her the power. Just give her the parental disapproval.

If she protests just say X (her name), you can't/ do not go round telling people they are fat / ugly etc.

As for you OP. Her comments say everything about her and nothing about you. Don't tie your opinion of yourself to other people's opinion of you.

I have a 12 yo DS. I’m fat. Properly fat. He’d never say those things to me. And roasting is entirely unacceptable.

She needs coming down on hard.

Also, I work in a school and roasting is banned, it became a constant a while back and SLT came down on it hard. I’d mention to school that you’re seeing an uptick and it’s worth keeping an eye on.

Also my husband would never laugh at that kind of behaviour.

No decent husband or parent would. It seems in that family, abuse of Mum is acceptable.

I have been very sharp with my then 10yo when she tried saying things like that. Yes I might be a bit fat but we do NOT comment on people’s bodies and insult them in this family.

DH always always backed me up, so shame on your DH for not doing that - he deserves both barrels too.

Mine has stopped saying that kind of nasty judgemental things now.

Your daughter is a nasty piece of work and so is your husband.

The only possibility that comes to mind for me - assuming she does not have form for saying hurtful things in her younger years - is that ... hurt people hurt.
She may have felt that she has not 'won' in all the roasting that's going on in school. Others are getting digs in that land but she doesn't feel that she's hit the target. She may have been more of a 'roastee' than a roaster - but you are an easy victim as she knows exactly what will hurt you.

Maybe what you are seeing is her trying to offload some pain? She is certainly old enough to understand the effect she is having.

I'm confused as to why you and your husband haven't disciplined her got such rude and nasty behaviour? She needs to understand this is completely unacceptable and it wont be tolerated. Your husband should not have been laughing along for a start and I would be speaking to him about that.
I'm really sorry you feel so hurt- don't send the clothes back if you liked them and felt better in them! In general I think you need to treat yourself a bit more if you havent brough new clothes for 5 years- maybe get your hair done/ nails done or something. I terms of feeling better about your weight, are you able to join a gym or start swimming or something? Would be good for mental health and self esteem.

I just want to add that I grew up with a dad with a mean sense of humour - in his 70s, he's still like it.

What he doesn't realise is that just as he's got older, and is less likely to change, so have other people - and instead of tolerating him, they just avoid him.

Unfortunately, both me and my brother grew up thinking being mean was being funny. We've both lost friends - and we've both, as adults, had to really work on this less desirable personality trait.

Neither you nor your husband are doing her any favours by not addressing this with her now, while she's still young enough to let go of it more naturally. Her friends might appreciate it now, while they're young, naive and find lots of things they might get in trouble with "funny", but they won't always.

I absolutely wouldn't be "roasting" her back as some have suggested, but I would be making her realise that meanness is not tolerated, accepted, or ignored in your family, and she needs to take it into consideration that people outside of the family might not be so accepting. Or maybe ask her how she thinks her beloved nana (or whoever) might feel if she said the same to her?

Nasty little brat. I’d be ashamed if that was my child. I’d also be ashamed to be married to your arse of a husband.

Nip this in the bud, OP, or you have 10 years of shite coming your way.

I have been parenting Op for 34 years now and I swear to god never have I ever heard such things as you wrote. I am so so sorry for you, your heart must be breaking. There is no way you cannot do something about this behaviour, not only for you but for your daughter as she grows up. Non of what she did was acceptable in anyway and left unchecked then you really will have trouble on your hands in a few years. I would suggest a sit down meeting at the kitchen table with you and your husband and even maybe grandma and grandad or whom ever is important to your daughter and let her feel and i mean really feel your hurt, hurt that she caused. I would embarrass the pair of them and make damned sure they realised who they hurt and why they will never ever do it again. Neither would be able to look at me after I had wiped the floor with them. Then you let them make it right ,not that they can for the damage has been done but we have to move on from this when you are ready. Punishments would be anything she holds dear..gone, gone until you see fit to reinstate them, Again I am really sorry I genuinely am. Once is quite enough to experience this hurt ake sure they respect you and fear you , it will stand you in good stead going forward. As for your husband he would be reminded how tough life can be as a single man..he let you down badly and he is not the fun daddy he is a far from that and certainly not the man you thougth he was. As an aside nothing to do with her being 10 ..they know what they are doing at that age I promise you.

At ten years old shes more than old enough to understand that her words were incredibly unkind and rude. I think she needs a lesson on not making personal remarks about other peoples bodies. Personally, this is something that would warrant a punishment in our home. She’s not 3 and speaking bluntly like a toddler with no understanding of the impact. She deliberately chose words to hurt you and make you feel bad about your appearance and I’d be nipping that in the bud asap.
Im sorry you were so hurt, buying new clothes after changes in your body size/shape can feel nerve wrecking enough without being shamed for your appearance.

I’m really sorry to hear this. I’d prioritise YOU for a bit. H can look after the Dc while you go out - meet a friend, go to the spa, have your nails done, go to a comedy club - whatever floats your boat and mashed you happy. Build your self esteem so you don’t get so upset when your charming dd is a twat.

And dh needs to be on board too. Lots of modelling good behaviour, lots of compliments to you.

💐

All of this. She needs to understand the severity of having behaved so cruelly towards you. And she’ll learn the valuable lesson that it is NEVER okay to speak to someone like that.

My response would have been “don’t be so quick to laugh love, you’re my daughter and one day you’ll look like this too, I was just like you at your age”.

in all seriousness. Do you berate yourself for being over weight in front of the kids? Or do you talk positively about your body? Have you tried loosing weight and being healthier? If you haven’t brought yourself anything new in 5 years then it doesn’t sound as if you value yourself. Your dd will pick up on that, if you think you’re fat and ugly that is how she will view you. You may be big, but you can be big, stylish and attractive. Don’t hide away in leggings and tunics.

This needs nipping in the bud - it's unacceptable and cruel and one day she will try it on the wrong person.

I would have spoilt the cinema and dinner evening for everyone immediately by going bonkers the first time I was called fat and ugly. And going double bonkers at my DH for laughing about it.
Sorry you are feeling low OP, could you book one of those shopping stylists at a department store to find flattering clothes for your body type? You absolutely can look fabulous with the right clothes.

Every privilege gone. No phone, no ipad, nothing. She can do chores and homework. No gifts. No holidays or vacations. Nothing. No rewards for bullies.

I would rain hell down on your husband for encouraging her bullying. He knows better and he doesn't have your back.

Both your daughter and your husband lack empathy. Your daughter has been taught the opposite and it could be coming from school but your husband is doing what's called intermittent reinforcement, and that makes the bullying more likely to stick.

It might be time to explore therapy for her. The things she says are awful and it's likely to cost her friends and family and she might run into someone who responds violently to her taunting.

Children do say hurtful things, they all do it at times, think it's funny. It doesn't sound as though your husband is much help in this.

Keep the clothes and wear them, pamper yourself a bit. It's about time you felt good about yourself. Hold your head up, go out without them and I bet you anything the excess pounds will gradually fall off.

Punish her for goodness sake. Take your other dd out and leave her home. Take stuff away etc. she’s being nasty and mean.

What a rude girl. She def needs some punishment and being told it’s rude and horrible to speak to people like that , let alone her mum