To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

It's sounds like you are in a very delicate place OP meaning that her words had such an effect on you.

So please don't take it poorly when I say it's time for you to grow a back bone you are the parent, even if you don't know what to do in the immediate moment of poor behaviour you still have years more knowledge and experience than your children.

You need to ha e more confidence and recognise you deserve to be respected.

I'm a very soft parent but like other I would have come down on her like a ton of bricks, so for mine I'd be taking away things like a bed time story (mine still had one until about 12) or anything else that is nice time with you or you do for her because why would you be nice to someone who is nasty to you?

Unfortunately being nasty to someone does release endorphins and give a little hit so can be addictive which is why you need to stop it in it tracks.

I had similar this weekend. We watched lord
of the rings. My dd10 only 2 years ago would adoringly say I looked like Arwen, the beautiful dark haired elf.
On this year’s viewing I was a massive orc, Gollum and a cave troll! I think it was an attempt at banter but I cut it short with a glare. I think there’s a banter/piss take culture with this age group and they try it out (unsuccessfully) on a safe target.
Thankfully my eldest and husband’s head whipped round in horrified wtf face at her too and a boundary was drawn.

Yes. It's not so much what happens, as how you react to it.
Boundaries.

You shouldn't be sad at what she said. You should be angry and she should know you are angry.

Unpleasant adults were usually unpleasant children and it may be that your daughter is just naturally unpleasant. However, whatever she may say or do in her adult life is not acceptable towards you under your own roof.

It sounds as if your husband is a bit frightened of her, joining in to please her. Tell him to grow a pair or shift out and take her with him.

Is he due any time off work this Easter? If he is, let him have her while you do something lovely with your youngest. If he hasn't, let him have her at the weekends while you do something lovely with your youngest.

But first and foremost, don't tolerate her speaking to you like that. If she does, march her up to her room and tell her to keep her face and words out of your sight and hearing.

She knows she can get away with this, that you will sad. She might reappraise the situation when she sees the effect of your anger.

I can laugh at my DD calling my DH and old fart. Does it mean I taught her to say it?

you are seriously stopping family outings and fun because a tiny child said you were fat!!
deal with your husband first - he need to back you up then
deal with her rudeness
then if you still avoid social stuff talk to your gp

What happens in the future if she herself becomes bigger, maybe after having children, or maybe when she’s a lot older? To be honest she might not even need to put on weight, just notice that there are some women who are thinner than her. Someone has told her that fat is ugly, and it’s not being challenged anywhere near hard enough. How she thinks she can talk to you now might be the way she talks to other girls now, but it will also be how she talks to herself in her head for the rest of her life. Bullies absolutely hate themselves - it’s why they do it.

You need to be much firmer with her. This appalling behaviour is not on. She is being extremely rude and hurtful and, if she carries on like this, will soon be getting into a lot of trouble. She knows your sensitive buttons and how to press them for maximum impact. You need to punish her very harshly if she says anything like this again. No gentle reproof - confiscation of treats and activities she enjoys.

You are reacting the wrong way. You are acting by hurt and like a victim and wanting to hide yourself away. Instead, you should be dealing with your bullying daughter. I’m a gentle parent and I don’t do punishing my kids but for something like this? It needs stopped immediately. She must never treat you this way again. This isn’t talking to her gently. Time to get a little mean.

This is happening because you allow it to. You have no boundaries or consequences.

You can play the victim and feel as low as you want, but that isn’t going to help.

No. Many of them haven't been taught to be positive, respectful human beings. For some it's about power and being dominant. A smaller sub group display narcissist tendencies.

I would sit her down and talk to her about there being consequences to the things she says.

1. You do not speak to your mother disrespectfully ever - it is unpleasant and hurtful and the consequences for this will be - whatever suitable punishment you feel - ie loss of screen time for x amount of time - not allowed to go somewhere - loss of pocket money etc
2. Speaking to anyone that way is not acceptable and if you find out she has been doing it there will be consequences
3. She is old enough to learn some age appropriate lessons about the impact of words on people https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-sz-002&ei=UTF-8&hsimp=yhs-002&hspart=sz&param1=359405026&gdpr=1&p=impact+of+words+video+for+age+10&type=type80260-2621657754#id=1&vid=85e1c62369bd397220399fa13f839dc5&action=click videos like this might help
4. Do you do discuss yourself in disparaging terms in front of her? Do not put yourself down.
5. Your husband joining in and laughing is absolutely appalling and you need to consider what the fuck you are doing with this twat. He should have instantly put a stop to it let alone join and not let her argue back.

Oh op! I know it’s hard not to take it personally but you mustn’t… she’s just ten! But old enough to know better, that’s for sure! That was nasty cruel behaviour by your dd, I hope you came down on her hard!
If it were me, I’d have taken your youngest out for the day and left eldest dd home with dh! Don’t feel guilty, she can’t treat people in that way! I’d also have a serious chat with dh, if he can’t help but laugh at those comments then I can see where she might get it from! It’s not funny, he should have your back!
Honestly, I’d leave them both home and spend time with your youngest out for the day! Don’t punish your youngest with no outing for something eldest dd did!!
Keep the clothes if you feel good in them! I bet you looked lovely!

You need to stamp on this behaviour immediately. Who are her friends in school, are they the sort that are going to turn into bullies? You need to punish her and your damned husband needs to step up.

I'd have gone to London with the youngest and left her at home.

Not a single treat until she apologises and means it. Withdraw any privileges. You need to nip this in the bud right now!! Your H is a horrible prick.

There are two issues here. Your DDs behaviour and your reaction to it. She wanted a rise out of you, don't give it to her. It seems like you are believing what she said, this will only empower her but also teach her to take what others say to heart. For all you know someone may have said similar to her. So first thing you should do is rise above it and tell her you don't care if she thinks you are fat because you love yourself and that's all that matters.

I'm not sure if punishment by taking tech off her is the right option. I would go somewhere she normally would enjoy without her and when she questions it tell her you don't want to spend time with her because she said something mean and no-one wants to spend time with mean people. Tell her she is only making a fool of herself by saying those things.

In a day or two when all calms down I'd have a serious sit down with her about her motives and what else is going on with her. She is far too old to act like that but also very young and still vulnerable so there is something else at play here.

She’ll be starting her periods in a couple of years - let’s hope she doesn’t get spots/greasy hair/bloating!

Yep as others have said have said the first time she said anything like that to me in public we’d all have left the restaurant, she’d have been in her room, no devices until she apologised.

If my partner had laughed I’d have dropped him off at the premier inn on the way home. I’m sure you look lovely but even if you’re the size of a mammoth that’s completely unacceptable.

Roasting is banned at my kids’ schools and we do not put up with it at home.

Why was your husband laughing about this and encouraging her? Even if he is giving the benefit of the doubt to her "just being honest" shtick, and even if he doesn't fully realize how much it hurt you, why didn't he parent his child? What happens when she says the same stuff to her teacher, or her friend's mum, or your MIL? Would he intercede and counsel/discipline her if she said this to someone else? If so, why are you the one exception that it's OK and encouraged/funny to abuse? Either way, he sounds like a shite parent as well as an unsupportive partner.

I don't buy the "just being honest" excuse at all - yes, she could say you're heavy or overweight if you are, and she can say this or that outfit makes you look heavier or is less flattering, but she told you you'll never be pretty and will always look fat and ugly? That's meanness/cruelty.

10 is not a tiny child.

I would not tolerate this. I would explain why it’s not accrptable. If it was repeated there would be immediate consequences. Such as, if we were watching a film at home, she would have to leave the room till she apologized. Out at dinner, she would get no pudding etc.

i’m quite an easy going parent in some ways, but I absolutely expect my children to treat me with respect and decency and show a basic level of appreciation of me as their Mother.

Children need to learn to be well socialized to have good Relationships in their life, and one of the key ways to learn that is how they treat me.

At 10 she's not a tiny child 🙄. She should have learned by now that being nasty isn't clever.

A sit down, a few choice words in her shell like backed up with consequences if there's a repeat performance.

Mean girls thrive on their appearances to their peers... take away her 'cool' items (I don't know what that is for your DD but usually brands or 'in fashion' clothing and accessories) until she behaves nicer.

How you didn't give her a proper bollocking for being so unkind I don't know. How your husband didn't...well I do know. He laughed along. She hasn't learned the mean words from him maybe, but she's definitely learned that being mean makes her dad laugh, and that's why she's doing it.

Someone else said this:“what did you just say to me?? How dare you speak to me like that. Apologise right now.” which I agree with. She doesn't get a pass because she's 10, because she was "only" roasting you, because you're normally soft on her, or because her dad lets her get away with it. She gets told off and starts to learn that being purposely mean is not a "joke" if not everyone is laughing. And sometimes, even when everyone is laughing, it still isn't a joke.

A natural consequence btw would be to rearrange the day out with your youngest and leave her at home with dad. But it's a bit late if you haven't already addressed this sternly, and it really sounds like you haven't.