To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

Sorry, but a fucking 10-year-old absolutely knows that she’s being cruel by saying things like this and she needs consequences. DH saying ‘Now now, that isn’t very nice, Mummy might get upset’ isn’t going to cut it - she knows full well it’s not nice and she knows you’re upset. She needs a hell of a telling off and proper consequences. She’s a bully. If she was treating another kid at school like this, she’d be in a lot of trouble.

Thanks for this. What a horrible situation. It's a bit clearer now. This child isn't being mean or unkind; she actually thinks it's fine to be a vicious bully to her own mother.
They've been to the cinema, they're having a meal and she starts with the verbal abuse. The husband laughs.
This whole family dynamic needs a huge overhaul.

I think her father should take this on. One of his jobs is to model how couples back each other up. So far he is failing to do that.

It’s not roasting, it’s nasty, bullying behaviour for which she may get a five knuckle sandwich one day if she picks on the wrong person! She’s a nasty little devil. I’d take your youngest somewhere they’d love and your DD would hate. No pad, no phone, no socials, no pocket money.

I’m sure you looked lovely in your new clothes, go for a night out with the girls and let your hair down. If you are truly unhappy with your weight would you try the mounjaro jabs? Eat healthier, bit of exercise.. It has to be for you though, not your gobby child.

My heart breaks for you op. It's bad enough thinking negatively about yourself (I do too, very much) but to hear it come from someone you love and from your child is just awful.

If she feels that she can get away with it with you then she'll do it to others too.

Maybe a chat with the school to see if they've noticed any issues or they can fill you in on trends in the class and playground that they could help address.

I'm not one for coming down hard on children, I have three almost grown ups and thankfully I've never had to, but her behaviour is really unacceptable and there has to be something done to address it.

Please take care of yourself

So you punished your younger child for something the 10 year old did and the younger one tried to comfort you about? Honestly, I think you and your husband need to really sit down and have a very stern talk with the 10 year old about not commenting on people’s appearance in a mean way ever, and about respect for her mother! My boys are 13 and 11 and they would never dream of saying something nasty about my appearance or indeed anyone else’s. My youngest went through a phase of thinking ‘roasting’ was funny when he encountered it at school, but on repeat we just told him it was unacceptable, and not something we would tolerate him taking part in. He understands now that true friends build each other up not try to make others laugh by tearing their friends down.

we had a horrible incident where a teacher (yes a primary school teacher) ‘roasted’ a TA and a girl in the class. I put in a formal complaint to the school - the children were bewildered and upset by that behaviour and the poor child involved was really affected by it.

You need to give your daughter consequences that actually affect her not the whole family. Next time take your other child out for a lovely day and leave the 10 year old behind with her father and strict instructions of no television, no phone etc! She needs to learn that actions have consequences - if she’s horrible to you, you won’t want to spend time doing lovely things with her. I always explain to my children when they have been difficult, that I still absolutely love them but I don’t like their behaviour and until it stops happening there will be consequences in place. To be fair, they learned that lesson pretty young and we have a good respectful relationship now.

Instant consequence of whatever hits her hard.
Phone, Internet, tv, pocket money, seeing friends, easter eggs whatever.
You and dh need to be together on it.
Don't dismiss it or feel you deserve it.
In her own best interests you need to jump on it.

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so low OP, I know how hard it is to feel self conscious and unhappy with how you look.

if you like the new clothes then keep them and enjoy wearing them, you deserve to wear things that make you feel good and you should make a point of treating yourself every now and then. It’s important that you give yourself the opportunity to pamper yourself a little. It doesn’t have to be ablout spending money, but taking the time to have a long bath, use a facemask, shave your legs, deep condition your hair, do your nails…… whatever makes you feel good.

when it comes to your daughter you will be doing her no favours to let this slide, your husband needs a talking to too. You are trying to raise her to be a good adult, you do that by teaching her right and wrong, and it was wrong to deliberately and callously hurt your feelings. She knew you were upset, she knew what she was saying was rude and cruel and she did it anyway. You need to explain to her in direct and clear word that what she did was cruel, that not only did it hurt you but it also showed a side of her that is unpleasant to be around, that if she speaks to people the way she spoke to you they won’t want to be around her, that she will lose friends and be looked at badly.

if DD spoke to me like that then something she was looking forward to would be stopped, she would for example stay home and tidy her room while her dad watched her, while you and your youngest go and do something fun. I would also expect her to really reflect on what she did and come back to me with a sincere apology explaining why she acted like that and that she understands why it was unacceptable.

your husband needs to know that he must NEVER encourage that kind of behaviour, laughing along with her was hurtful and encouraged her to continue. Unless he wants to end up with an adult daughter that people hate and avoid, he needs to step up. He should also just be supporting you out of love and concern for you.

Oh Op I’m so sorry. One comment can absolutely stick with you and it sounds like you’ve had a barrage. Your husband acted like a total cunt tbh, the first time she said anything was his opportunity to discipline your daughter and remind her of all you (her mother!) presumably do for her and how unacceptable it is to disrespect you in that way. Instead he laughed… unbelievable.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being totally honest in this situation, tell her what she said has really upset you and contributed to you not wanting to even leave the house today. That you are a human being like everyone else with feelings and that it’s totally unacceptable to speak to ANYONE like that. I would also be absolutely furious with DH.

You need to remember your worth and whether or not you have fat on your body shouldn’t minimise that. You are not alone there are thousands of women (especially mums) who are overweight and wear the same clothes on repeat. Even if a lot of mumsnet posters like to pretend that’s not true. Do not be disrespected by the people you give everything, everyday too. I’m so angry on your behalf!

Take your youngest out somewhere you'll both enjoy. Treat yourself to new clothes if it makes you feel good but if you want to wear leggings and a tunic there is nothing wrong with that either.

Your ten year old needs a severe talking to and a punishment three for being so rude and unkind.

You have DH issues - laughing at you it horrible behaviour.

I would have gone absolutely nuclear if my ten year old had spoken to me like this, and there would have been serious consequences. She is well old enough to know how mean and hurtful she was being, and to know better. And your DH is absolutely pathetic for laughing along, WTF is he trying to teach her doing that?! I’m honestly appalled on your behalf that two people closest to you see fit to speak to you like that.

Where is she learning this? My 9 year old is autistic, can be very direct and honest and doesn’t really get lying ( even to spare someone’s feelings), but after the first time she told me I had a big bum ( Tbf I do and she thought she was just staring a fact) we had a talk about how it wasn’t a nice thing to say and there is never any need to comment on someone’s appearance unless it’s something like food on their face that they can fix.

My son is 10 and wouldn't dare speak to me this way. His Xbox and other prized possessions would be gone.

I hope your daughter was told you all didn't go out today due to her behaviour and is grounded or has something that is important to her taken away.

This only stops if she's punished properly, telling her "oh no mummy's feelings are hurt" does not cut it.

My 10 year old told me some of the 'roasts' at school.

I made it crystal clear that this wasn't a roast or 'joking', it was simply bullying which is a horrible and mean thing to do.

Your DD should be punished for what she said. It's completely disrespectful.

I’d also be talking to the school, find out this “roasting” business as to me it sounds like another word for bullying
💯

I would come down on this like a ton of bricks. She would be sent to her room and all privileges removed, no phone/tablet/tv. Let her be by herself and think about her vile behaviour. Tell her if she's nasty and rude, no-one will like her.

I would also give your husband a massive bollocking too - does the way he treats you have anything to do with your low self-esteem? If he makes you feel crap about yourself, think carefully if this relationship is healthy for you. Look into some counselling for yourself.

I’m beyond the stage of having an under 18 but I do think actually this post is a great reminder to those that do that if you hear your kids laughing or talking about ‘roasting’ - it really needs very stern words - if we all just go along and laugh about it as ‘a teen fad , they all do it’ then we wonder why we end up with our teens either being bully’s or bullied and developing poor MH.

I don’t understand all this gently gently telling your DD that what she said was unkind. I would have said a firm ‘stop it, you’re being nasty’ the first time.

The second time she said it she would have immediately begun regretting it before she even finished the sentence. I would have been very loud in my response and things would have been taken away.

If you don’t strongly knock this on the head at home, she will be making others kids lives hell at school.

If you’re genuinely overweight and unhappy about this then only you can do something about this. Also why no clothes in five years? That’s bonkers. Make changes today and work on your self esteem before your youngest starts copying your eldest.

Nip this in the bud now! Take away privileges and let her know you will never tolerate being spoken to like this, and this is not the way this speak to anyone. You cannot condone bullying!

Plan some lovely outings with your DS and don’t lift a finger for either of the other two. Your DD is DH’s problem for at least the next 48 hrs, however inconvenient for him. If they both apologise suitably in 48 hours you can consider if you are willing to accept it then.

Agree with PP, find your anger. You are whole human being and deserve love, respect and kindness. Your worth is not determined by your looks, far from it, but no one who treats you with that level of unkindness deserves anything from you’d

As a woman, your response is crucial to teaching her how she should respond in the face of criticism. This experience is going to shape her self-esteem. If she sees you take no her comment personally and allow it to affect your whole being, she will see the power of mean words and, in turn, follow-suit whenever someone puts her down. You need to show her that you have enough self-confidence that her words won’t affect how you see yourself.
I would also feel hurt, don’t get me wrong…but since she is only 10, take this as a teaching opportunity. She’s still learning.
I’d go to her room in private for a little chat and ask her why she called you fat the other day. If she says “because you are fat” or something along those lines, then respond with “it’s good to be honest with people, but there’s a way of doing it without being rude”. Teach her that you shouldn’t comment on other people’s weight, as certain medical conditions can cause it to go up or down, like Selena Gomez who has Lupus (she may get the reference).

Tell her you got new clothes because you’ve not been looking after yourself as much as you should, that you know you are beautiful but her comment made you take a look in the mirror and realise you’ve not been prioritising yourself.
Say as from now we won’t be having any more chocolate or goodies in the house …😂😂 As we are all going to eat healthier as a family. Next time she might think twice before she says something mean. I’m sure she’ll be gutted! I’m sure hubby will be equally gutted! He’s needs a talking to and all!!

Good grief, if my dd pulled a stunt like that she'd be learning very swiftly that adults don't always have to use kind words towards children !! I'd have absolutely gone to town, such horrible behaviour.

Do you know any older kids / teens she looks up to who could knock her down a few pegs have a talk to her about how vile behaviour like that is and the real consequences she could face for it ?

She knows the power of "mean words", @Babybirdaugust - more significantly, she knows the power of cruel, vicious words, used repeatedly to offend and degrade.
Cosy chat?
No. Line in the sand. This is far too serious because it's out of hand. The husband needs to intervene and be apologetic and also very clear about expectations.
Mum is not the target of cruelty, she's a member of the family who deserves love and respect.
Sell the iPad.

You say she hasn't got this from your DH but him laughing along with her is bang out of order and encouraging her vile behaviour. You need to read both of them the riot act and there needs to be consequences for your DD. She can't treat people like that.