To think when you’ve experienced a good private school…

[B100000]

It’s really hard to accept your dc will have to be in state?

We can’t afford private at the moment, not just the VAT but in general. Things may change but we’ve been looking round state schools recently and I’m finding it so hard to accept that my ds will be in this environment. Before I get slammed with criticism on here, I am not at all wishing my ds wasn’t mixing with a wider range of society… that’s actually the one positive about him going to a state school. But I’m sad he will be in crumbling classrooms, limited facilities, huge classes. All the things I was lucky enough not to experience. Even the food is vastly different, again I’m not saying the food is bad at state but I feel I had so much more growing up than ds will.

this isn’t a state slamming thread. I know a good education can be achieved there. I just feel I’m letting my ds down when I had such a brilliant school environment, and there’s nothing I can do to change this for him.

Best thing you can do is get involved with the school. Become a parent governor and then you get to see what’s happening behind the scenes. Change what you can about the things you don’t like about it.
You can spend with your kids and teach them and give them experiences. School is only part of a child’s life experience.
I get that you’re sad about it but you said there’s nothing you can do about it so you may as well focus on things you can change.
Also, the school might not be the terrible thing you think it is. I went to a school with a terrible reputation and I enjoyed being there. I found other kids like me with the same values and your kids will do too.

@Tiswa I didn't realise you were talking about 6th form which is a bit of a different beast in terms of choices. I was only thinking of secondary.

@sharkanado of course it is not uncommon. I know Oxbridge graduates who are not working at all for example. My point was with a good start, you imagine the world is your oyster. Doesn’t always turn out that way. However one of OP’s aspirations is to send her own DC to private school. She knew what she had to donto make it happen and hopefully had the tools to do so. Why hasn’t she?

@Truetoself Do you really think everyone who went to private school now earns enough to do that? Even 25 years ago private school was in reach of doctors and the local solicitor. This isn’t the case now. The OP might have a £1 m mortgage. Easily could in London. Private school was never a guarantee to riches. It was more of a way of life. In my area it’s what parents did when dc didn’t get into a grammar. So many dc were not that bright and no, many simply don’t have good enough incomes to go private for their dc because housing costs are so high. Many private school parents get money from grandparents in this scenario but when grandparents have, say, 6 grandchildren, they need £millions. The type of person with this spare is possibly not the OP’s parents.

Maybe going to quite a rough and tumble comp is an advantage after all! You can’t pine over what you don’t know! My dds all girl state with great results isn’t perfect (teacher retention) but is way nicer and better than my or dhs schools were and we both went to excellent universities and have professional jobs which makes me less worried and insecure about where our kids are.

I think part of the trouble comes when they have been to a rough and tumble comp, can't handle the boys/bullying/disruption and then don't want to go to school at all.

Many kids are turning to private because of a combination of the above and almost non-existent CAHMS. Parents stretching to use their own funds to keep kids interested and in education being penalised because of the previous government's choices and this government ignoring the root causes and forcing them to use all of their savings and go back to the pit of what they've deemed "education for all" which currently has increasing numbers of kids unregistered and learning from home because it is so dire.

He will see a big change in behaviour. I work in the state system but have kids in private.

I have GC at both and had children at both.

There is absolutely no doubt that those in private schools had/have far greater opportunities than those in state schools: drama, music, art in particular. There are great libraries of music for every kind of individual or ensemble - they are not fighting for what they need. You want a jazz concert and need some new music for it? - there it is, they buy it in! The music teachers are numerous and first class with everything they could possibly need at their disposal. There are music practice rooms, national/international tours organised, opportunities to perform with professionals etc. etc.

I have used music as an example, because it is a neglected and underfunded area in state schools. I am sure it applies to other areas of study too.

But above all else there is an acceptance of studying/learning/working hard as being the norm and the expectation. It is cool to do well. Pupils are not fighting the image of studying as uncool, nor are they battling indiscipline in the classroom.

I absolutely know that teachers in state secondaries are dedicated and working their tripe out, but they are battling with one hand tied behind their backs: social problems, unruly children, underfunding, petty rules and statistic gathering. I take my hat off to them.

The complete flip side of this is that I went to terrible state schools and as a teenager specifically chose a career (law) and then in
my early twenties a sub-speciality (corporate law) so that I would earn much more than my parents and could afford holidays, extra curriculars and private schools for my dc.

the downside is that my children haven’t experienced missing out on anything so possibly won’t have the drive and motivation I did, despite their amazing education!

I don't think you need to have been through poverty to want to work hard. It certainly shows you another way of life but rich kids aren't ignorant to that either.

I think it is about family values of education. If the family understands the value and helps the kid to learn and enjoy it they'll have a better time in school than the ones who see it as a punishment with no purpose.

She knew what she had to donto make it happen and hopefully had the tools to do so. Why hasn’t she?

Not every dc at private school has what it takes to be a partner in a law firm or banker. Wage stagnation & high housing costs have an impact now.

@TizerorFizzi have made assumptions that OP does not have any learning disabilities and went to a good private school (which are usually selective). I am
saying she would have had the opportunity to get a well paying job so she can send her own kids to private school. There are life choices and sacrifice involved eg my DH parents worked several jobs between them, lived in a tiny house in a not very nice area to send him to his.

Many private schools do better than state without being selective. I would also say most parents pick private schools that are not selective because they are a better fit for the child's personality than the state options - many might be quiet or have been bullied in primary. All private kids aren't geniuses and many parents don't expect lawyers to pop out the other end, just a happy child who has had some education they would have struggled with in a large state.

@Truetoself You are totally wrong. Of course everyone whose parents could pay don’t get into jobs paying £100,000 a year plus with DH doing the same. You need around £40,000 earned income per child for a basic private school now. Most private schools aren’t SEN schools either. That’s a huge whack of earnings to be moved into education which is far less affordable now than it was.

Exactly
My DC's Private school is non selctive and GCSE results are pretty close to the nearest Grammar
BUT I didn't send them there just for exam results, it was to be able to learn in a calm, safe environment and have small focussed classes where the teachers weren't having to spend a lot of time managing behaviour and bullying was dealt with swiftly and harshly
I know thats available in some State schools but unbfortunately not to us

@Hoppinggreen Grammars get good results with 30 in a class but our local grammar had other things I was less keen on. Most parents love it. It’s got great results and DD passed to go there. What we didn’t like was the large numbers of ultra competitive parents and that rubbed off on DDs. Our DD would just be a number. We wanted something a bit more personal where she could try things and not be balloted out. We also valued a wider education actually being available and not just available to some. We didn’t expect better exam results. Or a better job. Or for any dc she has to go to private schools! As her school has plummeted in the league tables (having once been on par with the grammar she would have gone to) I’m not sure she would look at it now unless it was 100% the right fit.

@TizerorFizz
Our closest Grammar is HUGE and a bit crumbling and a 30 minute bus ride away.
DD got highly placed on 11+ and would have got a place but with a great Private school 5 minutes walk away and a 25% Scholarship it was a no brainer.
Plus DS wouldn't have got into Grammar (unless he really worked for it and that was unlikely)

We had the issue of DDs with different skills and academics too. A grammar LA clearly has different types of schools and although I think our local secondary is very good, it was not right for DD2.

My daughter’s state school has a dance studio, a recording studio, design lab, lots of science labs, sports facilities. And it’s a gorgeous building. Come to London!

@TizerorFizzyou have not understood. OP knew at the outset how much it cost to send her kids to private school which many non private school attenders may not know. She had the opportunity to work in a field commanding a salary enough to send her DC to a private school. I am wondering why she has not.

Of course not everyone who goes to private schools get a job paying over £100K. However if you have been to a selective private school, all of its graduates would have the potential to do so.

I don’t know if you yourself attended private schools or you sent your DC to private schools. I know from other threads your DD has done well in life. However, to say I am totally wrong is …. Well a little dismissive. Because I have first hand experience of why some of what you have said is not true. But don’t want to out myself so will keep quiet.

I am a secondary teacher who works four days in a school to which I’d never send my children due to the undercurrent of violence. Supply teachers rarely want to come back! My fifth day I work as a supply teacher. I can say that most schools I go to are happy places-probably 70%. It’s like two different jobs these days.
Edited to clarify that I only work in state schools.

@Truetoself I have completely understood! I have two DDs who were privately educated. One is arty. She benefitted greatly from her school taking art seriously. She’s never going to earn what it needs to pay for senior school. It’s just ridiculous to think because you know the cost you can get a job paying enough to facilitate your wishes. DD1 earns a lot but getting a house, as opposed to a flat, will mean her high earnings must continue. In London many potential parents have to make choices. No privately educated person can guarantee their plans to go private will be possible. I know many who would have loved this but cannot afford it. It just not possible for those with, say, average ability to secure high paying jobs. If it was that easy everyone would do it. Private schools are not stuffed full of DC who are going to ace the high paying roles and it’s ludicrous to think that are.

And it’s also perfectly reasonable to feel a bit sad about this. Most people would. So many dc now receive fee payments from grandparents because parents struggle with a mortgage. It’s the real world now.

many people, even higher earners are supported by their parents/generational wealth.
It's why we are prioritising saving for house deposits over school fees as we would struggle to do both.

There are 163 Gramnar schools in England and 66 in northern ireland ,the vsst majority kids will be educated in comprehensives ,ranging from poor to outstanding
Education really isnt a level playing field in the uk.