To think when you’ve experienced a good private school…

[B100000]

It’s really hard to accept your dc will have to be in state?

We can’t afford private at the moment, not just the VAT but in general. Things may change but we’ve been looking round state schools recently and I’m finding it so hard to accept that my ds will be in this environment. Before I get slammed with criticism on here, I am not at all wishing my ds wasn’t mixing with a wider range of society… that’s actually the one positive about him going to a state school. But I’m sad he will be in crumbling classrooms, limited facilities, huge classes. All the things I was lucky enough not to experience. Even the food is vastly different, again I’m not saying the food is bad at state but I feel I had so much more growing up than ds will.

this isn’t a state slamming thread. I know a good education can be achieved there. I just feel I’m letting my ds down when I had such a brilliant school environment, and there’s nothing I can do to change this for him.

@Panicmode1Could I ask what school this is? Sounds fabulous

I know of a private school (I won't name) that behind the scenes is completely toxic management-wise and becoming even more so with redundancies etc. Good teachers wanting to leave private environment for better work life and even leaving the profession entirely.

How happy are the staff? That's what I'd be trying to get the bottom of

Interestingly I'm in the midlands as well. Beautiful area, lots of tourists coming for wellness breaks and walking holidays but schools have had little to no improvements for years. Lots of poverty here though it doesn't necessarily look like it.

Private education is a luxury. Always has been. You do have choice but your choosing not to move and stay near family. That's the choices that come with parenting

@Panicmode1 you could live in the same area as me then with the grammars.

I went to a private school and never even considered it for my children. They attend a fantastic state primary where they have had every opportunity, lovely teachers and local friends. Educational achievement is mostly predicted by parental input and engagement, not which school you go to.

What about trying to get a scholarship or bursary? We wouldn't have been able to afford private education but my son managed to get an academic scholarship which reduced the fees by 35%. If your child isn't academic but is sporty, some private schools do sports scholarships or music scholarships. It's definitely worth thinking about.

Are you in an area where there are Grammar schools. If so, consider whether your child could take the entry test for Grammar. I bought a load of past papers and coached my child and he also passed the Kent Test for Grammar entry.

I think my DH for a while felt sad and disappointed we wouldn't be able to privately educate our kids, but I think less because they were better schools and more about him having a degree of status anxiety that he has since got over! He was privately educated the whole way through, I went to state schools (secondary was selective though(

I humoured him and we looked at one private secondary for our eldest and was a little scared he'd declare it so much better than the others that we'd have to do whatever it took to send them there (which would basically have been living off baked beans with 0 luxuries or holidays for 7 years). But in the end he said that although the facilities were great it didn't seem that much better to him than the state schools we'd seen. Also we could neither remotely afford it, but aldo way above the threshold for subsidy (as indeed we should have been)

I’m in Sutton Coldfield in the West Midlands and the schools are generally good. Primary particularly. My older DC are fortunate enough to have got into the state grammars. I’m privately school educated. It has given me a lifetime of an inferiority complex!!

I wish I could give them nicer holidays, similar to my childhood, but private school is not something I have pined for.

If I was rolling in it, absolutely, but they’re doing well regardless.

Once you experience a good state school (one of the top state grammars), we wonder why people pay £40k a year :)

Unless the schools in your neighbourhood are terrible, it’ll be ok, OP. Can you move somewhere with great state schools?

Your feelings are valid, but it really depends on the state school.

My DD went to a lovely one. I went to private and international fee-paying schools for the majority of my education.

The teaching at her school has been amazing, the facilities are modern and the class sizes aren't too bad. They have an equestrian society, dance studio, lots of international travel opportunities, an art gallery...

My sons are 18 and 16 so coming to the end of their secondary education. They’ve had an excellent experience and I’ve been very happy with their state schools.

I distinctly remember worrying about how they’d survive in a secondary school when they were reception aged. However, now that they are strapping teenagers I’m not sure what I was worrying about. Their state school has been fantastic but it doesn’t feature in any top 10 or good school guide.

Some State schools are excellent Op but sadly not all are
My DC are at Private and I am a Governor at the State school they would have gone to if we hadn't been able to afford the alternative. It makes me sad to see the bright motivated kids achieving well below what they are capable of while avoiding the issues caused by other students
I helped with some Mock interviews for Y11 and while a lot of them were great I couldn't help thinking what they could achieve at my sons school half a mile away.
Having said that THE most important thing is parental engagement and encouragement so as long as they have you OP your kids will be ok.

It's a single sex boys (super selective) grammar in a town in West Kent which is highly sought after for schools (we moved from close to where @Tiswais! I really didn't like the primary options and we never settled in the area).

It's the same if you or your child has been to a good state school. It's one hell of a shock to experience the "crap comp". My OH went to a good state comp but his family moved for work and he ended up allocated to the local sink school. He was appalled by everything, only managed one full day, and in subsequent days just walked out and came home in disgust mid day, then finally just getting off the school bus, couldn't face going in, and getting back on the next bus home. His parents despaired, but he just refused to go. It was several months before the LA found a place at the "good" comp more local to him, and then he was back to regular attendance, making up lost time, etc.

Hi,
It's fine to feel how you feel and to give yourself time to process those feelings.
I'm another voice in the 'it will be ok' camp. My kids' school is absolutely rubbish on paper - has been through 6 or 7 headteachers in a similar number of years, put into requires improvement and taken over by another trust, unfavourable articles in the paper, friends lying on applications to other local schools etc.
And there have definitely been things that have been a bit rubbish - notably difficulty with recruitment and retention which mean a real lack of STEM teaching for a while; I think the SEN provision has been pretty poor for some of those years too.
But... the teachers are mostly great - thoughtful, committed, kind, knowledgeable. And my kids have nice friends who live in the same town as them. Eldest got 9s in all her GCSEs (she did fewer than she would have done at a private school, but she still got into Cambridge). Youngest is on course to achieve similar. School supported her to take an extra GCSE in Y10. They've played sport, been on trips, acted in plays. It's been fine. And we've been part of our local community in a way that I don't think is as easy to do if you're at private school. (I went to a (good) state comp, but DH is privately educated and felt he missed out on as much as he benefited from.)

@Panicmode1Thank you :)

DH and I were both privately educated. We couldn’t really afford to do this for ours, and ideologically I wanted my children to have a broader experience of society.

How naive that was.

State school, and really the behaviour and culture of those environments, ruined my DDs mental health to the point she tried to take her own life on multiple occasions.

I wish we’d found a way to send her private.

DS is in an outstanding special school, so he’s safe from all that.

I thought it was perhaps just our local area that has horrific state schools but was horrified talking to others recently who said the school in Adolescence is quite average.

YANBU to want your kids to have what you had, but in all honesty, we've done both and had to move DD back into state as private was so bad. We're incredibly lucky with the state schools in our area and DD is at one with almost all the things people are listing for privates.
Just because it's private doesn't mean it's better staffed or resourced. All but the very old private schools are really struggling financially and it's not the experience you had. Many are understaffed, under resourced, underpaid and undertrained. Those that can't afford to be super selective are getting filled with Sen kids they're not trained or staffed to deal with. It's not private Vs state, it's very much school Vs school and I'm sorry your local state option isn't great.

You'd be surprised how many private schools resemble the one in Adolescence

@Hoppinggreen If your school is failing brighter DC, watch out for Ofsted! That’s a poor SLT you have! What are they doing to improve outcomes?

@B100000 I think it’s a shame your local schools are not great. Do you have to stay to be around family? Can you not put DC first?

I would say that you are focusing on the wrong things OP. Whilst newly renovated classrooms and state of the art facilities make a school look appealing it’s the ethos that actually matters. Schools that put the whole child at their heart tend to be happier places where pupils feel a sense of belonging. This leads to happy and successful pupils. There is not a single school that is ideal for all children. Hopefully you will find one that suits yours well.

Yep, My privately educated DH struggles with being cast out with the muggles also.

It's a tough gig when you were given enormous privilege and we're encouraged to feel you were made for better than all those average kids outside of the gates, but now it turns out.. eeek... you're one of those kids parents.

I'm being a bit flippant, but mean it genuinely - it's a bitter pill. We earn a decent household income, DH has a great job, but inflation and tax has priced us out of the market if we ever want to go on holiday, have a takeaway or retire before 70.

Use the extra and invest in them.
Clubs, trips, experiences, your time. There's more than one way to raise a successful, happy kid.

The school threads make my head spin

• teachers are leaving state schools in their droves
• behaviour is terrible in state schools
• private school pupils are arrogant, entitled pricks
• private schools are a waste of money
• private schools buy privilege
• private school teachers are not qualified

Here is another one to add to the mix (doesn’t say whether state or private):
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5310273-to-think-it-doesnt-always-start-at-home?page=1

Good luck @OP - do whatever you think is best for your child, keep your fingers crossed and ignore the criticisms.

While I get where you’re coming from OP, I think it very much depends on the school on both sides. I went to a repressive midlands independent. My kids go to facilities-rich southern state schools. They’re getting a much better well-rounded life education.