My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

This all day long. You do your thing with your daughter and leave your husband to do whatever.

Everyone is assuming that the DH wants to spend time with his mate. Could be the mate's girlfriend......... just saying. He wants them there for a reason, that's for sure.

This sounds like something I’d be really annoyed at the thought of then it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought it was going to be.

I really love this but it's honestly never that easy.. maybe once or twice but if the friend & by extension the GF are this pushy BEFORE the holiday imagine what levels of CF-ery will be unleashed once they're there, I'd be on edge all the time & I'm not an anxious person by any stretch.. Jesus I feel like having a drink now just thinking about it.

Sorry OP not at all helpful

I’d be so annoyed!! 😡

This happened to us,another couple were coming with us and next minute another 3 couples jumped,one with a child,we cancelled and went elsewhere.

Your husband needs to acknowledge what he’s done. He has spoilt your holiday. Why won’t he accept responsibility? That is so annoying.

@AbbeyDown I’ve only read your posts and it seems you might be getting a different opinions. I’d be furious with my DP about this. And in fact no partner I’ve ever had (at any age) would do what your DH has done. Nor would their friends be so pushy and presumptive. I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Plus, after his initial unacceptable behaviour (i.e. sending the details to his friend without speaking to you about it first and/or telling his friend it a family holiday and you don’t want to go to the same place as friends), he’s now doubling down and dismissing/minimising your objections.

IMHO, this is nothing to do with your body and skin. It’s the fact you don’t want to go on holiday with anyone else. It’s not personal to them. I’m perfectly happy with my body and skin, but if I wanted a family holiday, I’d not want anyone inviting themselves along. Period. So, don’t accept him focussing on, and dismissing/minimising your reasons. It’s a family holiday FFS. You don’t want to be bumping into people you know, which is v likely if there’s only one pool and presumably only one or two bars/restaurants.

I never stay in hotels, always a house or apartment, where this problem wouldn’t occur. I assume it’s not possible for you cancel the hotel and to look for an apartment with a shared pool instead? Might give you more space as a family and they won’t be able to visit, whereas if you move hotel they could still insist on meeting at your hotel for dinner etc.

If you have no choice but to stay in the hotel, I’d ask your DH to let his friend know that you don’t intend to meet up with them at all. If he’s embarassed about that, it’s his problem as he’s caused this mess. The first time you see them at the hotel, I’d politely explain this yourself too, to make it clear. It’s a family holiday and you don’t want to hang out with anyone else. It’s not personal and you hope they won’t be offended. Be assertive. They’re in the wrong for booking exactly the same place without properly double-checking it’s OK, which is weird. But maybe your DH led them to believe it was fine.

It might be possible to turn DD’s band over to the white side so that it doesn’t stand out as being the children’s colour. I imagine if you are both sitting reading that would be fine.

It doesn’t solve the betraying wazzock of a DH issue though. I honestly think that as he created the situation, he should be resolving it to your satisfaction. I’m just not sure he would.

I’m inclined to agree. It’s coercive control, followed by dismissing/minimising.

He may be very weak and goes along with whatever his friend suggests. But he didn’t have to email him the details. That was his decision and he should take full responsibility. Has he shown you the email, so you can see what he says, e.g. if he assured them you’d all love them to stay in the same place?

It's very unfair on both you and your DD who will need a break after the stress of gcses.

If your DD has paid the full adult price you should be able to hang out in the adult only area. Your H can hang out with his mate if he wants sometimes. I'd be making it clear as this - as you say - may be the last holiday with your DD, you will be prioritizing quality time with her and don't want to socialize. It's not personal to them, you want a holiday where you spend time only your family. I'd feel exactly the same.

Right - time to take action:

1. Change hotels if you can
2. DH says to his mate "I'm not sure how you were envisioning your holiday but I need to let you know that DW and DSD have planned this as a no-socialising relax and retreat, and tbf they need it. You might see me for one beer but part from that expect us to be totally anti-social. Not personal - it' just possibly our last holiday together and they want to keep themselves to themselves." If he has cooked the whole thing up with his friend he will have to apologise, and probably blame you as in "I have messed up bit, didn't realise how much DW had been looking forward to this as a hide ourselves away kind of trip" or something.
3. If he won't do this, contact friend yourself with a similar message. "I don't know what DH told you about this holiday but...."
4. If none of the above acceptable I would cancel, re-book something different and compensate for the £600 by leaving DH behind.

My husband and I are really clashing over this. He’s adamant that he didn’t invite them — he insists all he did was respond when his friend asked for the name of our hotel and the exact dates we were going. But honestly, I said to him, how naïve can you be? If someone’s asking for those details and even requesting a screenshot of the hotel, it’s pretty obvious what their intentions are. His response? “I didn’t think they’d actually book it!”

The most frustrating part is that I booked our hotel months ago — we’ve been before and love it — and now that our flights are already paid for, all the nearby hotels for those same dates are coming up £1000 more. So even trying to switch feels impossible.

Another issue is that the hotel has an adults-only pool area, which is 18+. I’ve paid for my daughter as an adult, but it all depends on whether the hotel gives her an adult or child wristband — and that’s never guaranteed. If she can’t use that then a quieter space might not even be available to us.

I’m absolutely furious. I would never insert myself into someone else’s family holiday — especially not uninvited — and I certainly wouldn’t want to. What was supposed to be a special trip for me and my daughter, something we were both really looking forward to, has now turned into a source of stress and anxiety.

They won't check ristband around the pool anyway. As long as you aren't sending her up for booze it'll be fine.

Tbh chances are it's going to be a lot of worry for nothing. As long as you are capable of advocating for yourself early on and setting boundaries I highly doubt they'll be a problem. Just say 'sorry guys, we're making it a family holiday so won't be free to hang out much but we may catch you for a drink one evening'. Job done.

Is it a large hotel? Could you explain to the management and ask to be placed far away from this family?

The level of fuckery involved here is off the charts. Either…

1. husband is lying and engineered/invited his mates to go on holiday
2. he is stupid and didn’t think giving specifics of the holiday (dates! Hotel!)wouldn’t lead to this…
3. other couple are extremely pushy and tone deaf
4. or they think they’ve been invited..(ref point 1.)

Amazing. Really hope you can get the adults only area sorted…

@AbbeyDown. Your DH is being ridiculous. Why would he email all the details without discussing with you?

I’d use @CarrieOnComplaining’s checklist. If your DH won’t tell them you’ll not be spending any time with them (weak and not putting you or your DD first), ask for the friend’s email address and email him to that effect yourself.

Then, you’ve been very clear upfront and if you bump into them you can simply say hi and walk on.

Be confident and assertive. This isn’t your mess. It’s theirs.

I wonder if they hoped their 16yo would be able to hang out with your DD. I bet their DC doesn’t relish a hotel room shared with a 5yo. So make it clear your DD won’t be doing this.

@AbbeyDown I think you should ask your husband to tell his friend that you're really upset about them hijacking your family holiday and ask if they would consider changing their dates.

Say that if he won't say it to them, you will.

That way, even if you are all in the same place it'll be nice and awkward and they can have no possible expectation that you will be up for hanging out or babysitting their kid.

I am honestly just as fuming for you and I completely understand how this will ruin the holiday. It wouldn’t matter who had invited themselves on my holiday, I would still feel self conscious. I wear make up every day at home and have a stone to lose so I would feel like I’d have to put make up on every day, make an effort to wear something half decent and flattering…. As opposed to just being with my family and being able to flop in a foreign country where no one but your family knows you and you can really relax. I would loathe having to make any accommodations for them as well. Your husband needs to tell this friend he’s made a big mistake and they have to cancel. It’ll probably taint the friendship but in my opinion it’s worth it, they are CF.

If you've booked her as an adult and as long as she doesn't look super young then she'll pass for 18 and if they check the room booking they'll see 3 x adults. So I think you'll be safe in the adult area

This would make me so mad, I would write off an additional £1k just to have my stress free holiday, and cut back over the year in areas that affect DH, not me.

He is absolutely lying about this not being a plan.

@HowToBuyThe makeup situation might sound insignificant to some people but honestly for me it’s freeing me for me on holiday but at the minute this is the least of my worries. I’m looking at trying to amend our flights and hotel booking to even a couple of weeks before. It’s making me furious I’m even having to mess around like this to enjoy our holiday which we booked for ourselves!!

No so best to spell it clearly once and for all before the holiday, and when there avoid, ignore, don't get into conversations especially about plans.

I have huge insecurities about my body and I HATE being seen in a swimsuit by anybody I know, apart from my own DH and DC. I will go to enormous lengths to avoid anyone seeing my bare legs, so I know exactly how you feel. Even with my oldest, closest friends I would not be comfortable with this. City breaks? No problem. Beach and pool holidays? No thank you. Strangers around the pool are completely different, it's much more anonymous and I don't feel so scrutinised or judged or compared, if that makes sense.

I'd be absolutely raging that DH thought he could spring that on me and I'd be okay with it. Apart from anything else, your DD may not thank him AT ALL for saddling her with another teenager who she doesn't really know and is then expected to socialise with all week or fortnight. My teens would have gone mad if we'd done that to them.

OP since you know DH friend why don’t you send him a text and say while you have no say about where they holiday, he needs to be aware that your day time and a number of evenings will be for your family alone but you would be ok to meet up for the occasional pre-arranged drink. This way he is under no illusion about your boundaries.