My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

@bettermumthanyouThis isn’t about jealousy at all. Yes, the girlfriend is a lot younger than me, and I’ll admit I’m self-conscious about my skin and how I look — but that’s around anyone I know, not because I’m comparing myself to her. It’s not about feeling threatened; it’s about being forced into a social situation I didn’t agree to. I’m someone who values peace and privacy on holiday — I don’t want to make small talk or get to know new people. I just want to switch off, be antisocial if I feel like it, and properly relax without the pressure of playing host or being “on.”

Your DH says he's already told his friends you like to do your own thing on holiday and yet the GF was at pains to tell you how chilled her 5 year was and wouldn't be a problem. That doesn't sound like someone whose expecting to keep their distance to me

Change the holiday booking and don’t tell him surprise him at the airport 😂🙈

OP will board the plane to find she is seated with the GF and all the kids, whilst DH and his mate are ten rows back getting stuck into the on board hospitality.

You cannot be serious, have you even read the whole thread? This isn’t about jealousy, it’s about this couple crossing boundaries. Do you really think people who co book a holiday really will be ‘ignored’, especially when the men have obviously side planned their own thing?

@bettermumthanyou ... also wonder whether there is an element of jealousy here… you keep referencing her being younger etc.

What an odd an unpleasant suggestion, as if women are going around eaten up with jealously for no reason.

Surely you can understand not wanting to waste a holiday having to hang around with strangers and their children?

Every right to feel that. Why pay 1000s of pounds and end up on a holiday you don’t want to be on, with people you don’t like.

Oh come on 'bettermumthanyou' we all have our insecurities, and knowing that she will see this woman around when she gets home from holiday, I can totally understand why the OP would be hung up about her body, and not be able to relax like she would normally in front of these people.

I know that this SHOULDN'T be the case, as none of us should be ashamed of our bodies, but it's been caused by the media, always making a big thing about women having to be perfect, so it's no wonder we have our hangups.

As for her being jealous, again, don't we all find ourselves wishing we had a body more like this one, or that one, who seems much more attractive to us, than what we see when we look in the mirror. I think you're being unnecessarily goady.

Tough. This is all down to him, and he has zero say in what you do to salvage your and your DD's holiday.

Even if he was innocent and thought he was just making casual conversation with his friend, how did he not have the ability to say ‘Bloody hell Dave, my wife will go ballistic. What did you do that for? Can you change it quick before you book the flights?

He’s relying on you accepting that you can’t afford to pay extra to make changes, just to get you on the plane. Once you get there, he’ll be relying on you being too polite to refuse to join them at their breakfast table when they wave you over, or tell them they can’t join you when they suddenly appear at the same restaurant or bar as you each evening, or say to them that you don’t care that they’ve saved you sun beds next to them, you’d rather sit somewhere else.

If you don’t want to lose your holiday, you can’t change anything because of the cost and you don’t have it in you to walk right past them with a cheery wave and a ‘no thank you’ then you need to salvage what you can. Does the hotel have a sister hotel who opens up its pool to guests? If not, then pool days are going to have to be beach days, where it’s easier to hide. Lots of days out for you and DD where you can sit in a little cafe somewhere and people watch. Tell the gf that you and your DH are having marriage problems (not too far off the truth) and so you’re not really up for doing ‘couples’ things. Earphones in, even when you’re not listening to anything. A big sun hat, big glasses. And tell your ‘D’ H that if he EVER pulls a similar stunt again, it’ll be separate holidays forever more. A disastrous camping trip with his family is an accident. This is deliberate. A third time would be grounds for divorce.

You’ve already said several times that your husband is saying this. What are you going to do about it? Also, based on your earlier post regarding what the GF said, it sounds possible that she was also bounced into this situation. Sounds like the two men planned this, so they could leave the women and have ‘lads time’!

I understand how you feel, OP.

What was your holiday planned to be like? Do that. Do just that. Lay the law down with your husband and tell him that you expect him to be present as a husband and father as was always the plan.

If he wants to go off for a drink with his friend then he can but that changes your own plans not at all as you won't be deviating from your planned holiday.

I would not like this. The fact that he knew and thought it was a surprise is just bollocks. It's not a surprise, it's a shock and he has no business imposing on you like this.

If you find that he is planning to holiday with his friend then I would consider changing hotel altogether, you and your children - and deal with him when you get back.

Exactly. All the extroverts posting on this thread don’t seem to understand that DH has fundamentally changed the whole nature of OPs holiday, without giving a shit.

Or put it on your husband to pick up the cost of changing his hotel. Why should you be expected to pick up the costs?

You are absolutely entitled to feel this way. On holiday everyone wants to be able to fully relax and just be comfortable. I also have a lot of acne on my face (thank you long covid!) and I would want to feel able to not cover up the redness or bumps in the sun. More importantly, your DD doesn’t want to go away with another family. DH needs to acknowledge that you didn’t agree to this and (quite rightly) aren’t willing to go along with it to keep the peace with his CF friends.

Husband's friend, I meant - let them change hotels and pick up the cost of that.

Is this an All-Inclusive type of hotel where you’ll have no choice but to see them all the time including at meals? Or are you just doing B&B and will be going out to eat outside of the hotel? If the latter, I’d suggest going out to eat after 9pm (if you can wait that long), as there’s no way the 5 year old will be able to wait until then to eat dinner. In fact I’d imagine the family will be wanting to eat before 7pm for this reason. This may give you a good enough excuse from joining them in the evenings.

Your dh is either exceptionally stupid if he can't grasp the issue or has arranged this with his mate and trying to push it through to save face.

I particularly "loved" the comment that the gf being there would "give you someone to talk to" comment. Tell him you've got him and your dd to "talk to" unless he is planning to be elsewhere with his mate? 🤔

When I go on holiday it is to spend time with my family and relax, not to spend time with my dh's mate or waiting for the inevitable "me and mate are going for a pint if you are just sitting here reading anyway, gf and 5yo will keep you company".

Get your dh told it is either him or his mate that is over stepping and they've to get it sorted, you don't want to be in the same hotel as them.

Sorry but this has nothing to do with how you look or feel! I could look like a supermodel and would be really pissed off at this situation.
You are not getting the alone time on holiday you planned, they will want to hang out with you (why else book exactly same dates and hotel?!!!!).
Nope, I’d put my foot down, either politely msg the friend yourself (or insist dh do it) or spend more money and change the hotel. I’d rather spend more money than spend ten days on edge.
Also your dh is being an idiot.

If I couldn’t afford to buy another holiday for 2 (me and DD), and didn’t prefer to stay home, I’d buy a set each of those big cordless headphones for me and my DD, and really dark sunglasses, and I’d be unfriendly to the point of rudeness to the other family, and to my H. How rude of them to book the same holiday without discussion.

"I’m someone who values peace and privacy on holiday — I don’t want to make small talk or get to know new people. I just want to switch off, be antisocial if I feel like it, and properly relax without the pressure of playing host or being “on.”"

I know exactly how you feel, @AbbeyDown - I'm an introvert, and too much social interaction leaves me exhausted. I need my quiet, alone time.

There is another thread on here from a MNer whose colleague imposed themselves and their child on her chill-out, alone time holiday last year, and are going to do the same thing this year, and she's asking for advice on how to handle it. People have advised setting expectations in advance - telling the colleague that she needs this holiday as alone time so can't basically host them the whole time. Perhaps you could do something similar - message the gf and say that you are happy to socialise some of the time, but you want to spend most of the holiday quietly chilling with a book, and you hope she understands. Frankly your dh is being a bit useless about this (and insensitive) so I would go round him and tackle it directly with the gf.

@TuxedoJunctionIt’s an all inclusive holiday. So that means to make the most of all the facilities drinks food etc, we will be at the hotel.

Honestly, I’d contact the booking agent and see if it is at all possible to change the dates. I’d even be honest as to why…

Am increasingly appreciative of the fact that that my DH is a grumpy old man who would want another family on our holiday like a hole in the head. Like me, he enjoys a little sociability at the hotel bar but rarely goes beyond pleasantries in case he gets lumbered with their company for the whole holiday. He has a deep fear of cruises for this reason in case he was trapped on a boat with some awful couple 🤣

Yep. And if you do hopefully manage to get the hotel changed, be prepared for a holiday with a sulky man child who couldn't help his mate get out of childcare duties on holiday. So now the mate has to actually parent his 5 year old properly, instead of skipping merrily to the bar and leaving it all to the women.

It's obviously something that the two blokes have cooked up together. Sounds like the girlfriend is embarrassed as well to have apologised for crashing your holiday. Obviously your DH will not want you to swap hotels now as, not only will it scupper his plans with his mate, but also it will be a major embarrassment for him. I'd carry on with your enquiries about changing hotels and if its cost effective to do so, would go ahead and change.