To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

@Sp3849So your DH is subconsciously throwing the rest of you (including your marriage) under the bus, because of his own desire to cling to the crumbs his parents throw him?

Your in-laws sound awful op. Obviously you’re not being unreasonable at all. None of them should be there moving in or visiting. I feel so sorry for your dh, I had a similar experience growing up so I’m still pathetic around my mother even though she’s awful to me. Thankfully I cut off my father but it’s so hard when you’ve been neglected to willing cut them out no matter how awful they are.

@Sp3849 Best wishes it is really tough. Be firm with your red lines.

a word of advice, have been in a similar situation. Your husband has to deal with his family. Otherwise you risk any ire coming back on you.

It’s too late OP. You have already lost. You just didn't see the signs until it was too late. I really, really hope I am wrong.

You can't compromise with people like this. The SIL will be no help to anyone.

Bloody hell - this needs to stop now.

You and your husband have worked your socks off and made sacrifices to ensure a better future for you and your children. I cannot believe the cheeky fuckery of your in-laws and SIL!

They need to be told straight. It is your home, not a free B & B for all and sundry to turn up and stay when they feel like it. They are behaving like your home belongs to them!

Draw up a costing for your SIL to stay with you - including the livery charge for her horse (then add some extra on top of that!) and present her with that. Likewise, present your in-laws with a bill for their stays too.

How dare they! You are not a charity - its your home and they need to go and do one! 😡

I think you are missing the point here massively. You say she no longer has a job. The sister sounds like she is moving in with you to start up her own horse business, or at least this is what I am getting from your posts. It sounds like you have been ambushed. Have you discussed what she is planning to do for a job and money, has she mentions starting her own business? Sounds like his parents are eager to get rid of her, and she is raring to go.

Nope. I would maybe let her live in the house for a bit to get on her feet but (and I speak from experience) absolutely no way would her horse be moving in too. You'll never get rid. She'll rule the barn. Will she manage the land, poo pick, etc? Do you even have enough land for 2 horses (if you're planning to buy one for your DD)?

Edited - she's bringing a dog too? What a CF. Just say no to the whole thing.

You either allow her to move in and ruin your life and marriage, with ths family over constantly or you put boundaries down. You don't have to be rude, just some simple things that you don't want. You might end up looking like the bad one but so what. Your life , marriage and child are number one. Not his sister and parents. If you get divorced because of the stress of it all, your child will be spending half her time with them at theirs with your husband 3 hours away. They wont care!! Save it all now before it's too late!!!

I am getting quite anguished at the people suggesting different rental agreements for your SIL. No, no,no!! Do not let her put one foot in your house again. I would even be tempted to get a can of paint and paint the room or even a wall. This is not a situation requiring kindness and care. They are full- on ABUSERS who need to be absolutely sent back to where they came from. No people pleasing!!

@Bettyfromlondon I suggested putting in writing the costs just so that SIL can see how much this is costing the OP.

I didn't suggest getting her to sign anything - just to present the actual costs to SIL and in-laws and use it as part of the "I don't want you / your horse / in-laws staying here when you feel like it". I suggested it to purely to make them realise what cheeky feckers they are being and how much they are getting away with in terms of ££££.

Poor husband. Sounds like he had a shit childhood/teens - and this is it coming to the boil.

He desperately wants to be part of the family that excluded him - and this is his attempt to make this happen, whether he realises it or not.

And this is them knowing this - and exploiting him.

Poor you. Married to a hurt man who has never addressed all that - and now it's dumping on you and your child.

It will affect your mental health and your relationship, which will impact your daughter.

This is your home. You have equal say in what happens in it.

Have you spoken with your SIL about her even paying rent?

You may have to become the bad guy, the level headed one who sets boundaries and reinforces them. Exhausting, yet here you are.

I'd also say him getting therapy and dealing with the past would be an essential conversation.

Ask this unemployed woman how she will be paying for

Her rent
Her food

Her horse's stabling
Insurance
Feed
Farrier bills
Vet's bills

Who she thinks will be doing her laundry, cleaning, cooking.

Have you sent her / her parents the bills for the alterations she demanded to your property? Might be a good start, send a message.

I would bet you and your husband will be expected to slip into the role of her parents.

Do you recognise any of these?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

Sorry - Just why are you BOTH letting this happen. Just sit down with Sister and say you and her havent thought this through. You need to have a rethink otherwise what is happening now will get much much worse!

Agree
get hubby to therapy immediately
and if nothing else - STOP this circus now

do it fir your daughters sake.
This will totally stress her out …. Even having the user aunty about.
stick with your original plan to encourage your dd with the horse business - which is a fantastic idea.

me too. All this is so hellish and he is sleepwalking into it , why? Like how can you make so much good money to be able to buy a nice home and do not realise it is going to finish very quickly for you fund two households, two wives, and a horse business which needs tons of daily supplies , vet and so on

he is mad. He, not she. She just is weak, but he is like - unheard of

No, No, No
Just NO

She wont leave ever and you both will be expected to foot the bill, be her 'parents'

I get he wants the family he never had but they know this and just want to use him and by extension, you

I think she will plan on trying to set a business up there too. You’ll never get rid. I feel for you!!

Doesn’t sound as if she has plans to move if she’s is decorating the spare room and redesigning barns. Sounds quite long term to me. I’d want a firm moving out date set.

If the sister moves in, mark my words, his parents will follow shortly afterwards. And your dream home will be nothing of the sort.

If the sister is as you describe then your DD’s needs will be bottom of the pile - it’ll be the sister show and she won’t have time etc.
Meanwhile you and your DH will be bankrolling it.

Whose idea was it to buy this dream property in your IL favourite holiday destination? I’d guess it’s not something they could afford themselves? Because it sounds like they may have been seeding this idea for a while and neither you nor your husband have twigged that this would be the result.

Do not let her move in. Not even into a caravan. It will be the end of your marriage.

Whatever you do OP do not give the SIL a rental agreement, only a lodger agreement. With a tenancy, the only way you can get her out is to go to court to evict her with bailiffs. It takes months.

During which time, she maybe won't pay, will trash the place etc and you'll be responsible for the welfare of her horses because they'll be on your land, but you won't be able to PTS for financial reasons or sell them on, because they don't belong to you. You won't even be able to say anything about anything, because she'll have a right to quiet enjoyment of her home that she's renting and you'll be at risk of being sued for harassment and breach of contract if you do. This still applies even if her rent is not being paid and she's the tenant from hell.

Lodgers have no rights really, except for the notice period. After that you can change the locks. Although how the heck you "change the locks" on a sprawling property including fields and barns...

Just don't let her come. She's not going to help your DD.

Your DH is the purse, having inadvertently bought SIL every horsey person's dream, a house with land. I have zero doubts this is how the family view it, they've never viewed him as an autonomous person, he's never existed other than as his role within the family. It's why he's got no boundaries, he wouldn't have been allowed any growing up, or to properly forge his own identity separate from them and his role within the family. He won't necessarily have any awareness of this. To him it'll all feel normal. He may have some misgivings about being railroaded into this, but he's doubting himself instead of kicking off yelling a big far No! to them all.

SIL will take over completely, she'll be lady of the manor, you'll be housekeeper/skivvy and your DD will be equestrian staff/skivvy.

DD will grow up without proper boundaries herself, thinking all this is normal and when you die, DDs inheritance, this house and land, will effectively belong to SIL. With her age and soon to be eligible bachelor (or whatever you call the female equivalent) status, she'll quickly be married and sprogged up with the next generation of golden child, by some man who fancies himself as lord of the manor.

Your DS won't get a look in, unless he's happy with the role of purse, like DH. Maybe he'll attempt to save himself and move out as soon as he hits adulthood...

And so it continues, endlessly, down the generations. Unless somebody breaks the pattern.

It’s not too late OP to put a stop to this. You have every right to say no. There will be someone else who can support your DD with horses should you wish but this/she is not the answer. Everyone is entitled to change their minds before making a big decision. Don’t miss the moment. If they are good, loving family members and changed parents (!) then they will still be there for your family. You don’t owe them anything.

sounds like cuckooing to me.
Ive got a DH whose family contact is sketchy to say the least. Hes a tradesman so “useful”. Everytime hes useful he gets thrown a bone and gets to “play” families with them. The rest of the time hes cast aside and ignored.
on some level he sees it, but everytime he still bounds like a puppy when they give him some attention.

back to your situation I can see how it benefits your daughter which is going to leave you conflicted. Prior to your sis in law moving down, did you have a plan for your daughter? As in, agriculture college to help with the horse business?
what I’m trying to ascertain , how much do you need sis in law?
im worried long term if you allow her your in a pickle. As you grow older and the business becomes hers she’s ripe for sis in law to cuckoo the whole thing and take it from her. You don’t know what is around he corner and you don’t want your daughter to lose what you’ve worked hard for

I was suggesting to get the contract to frighten them into hopefully backing out

So to go off point, you would more than likely need planning permission for a static caravan on your land which someone lives in - so that would come with significant issues if you didn’t get the right consents in advance.

this sister and the wider family are going to take over your house and life. I get a feeling that you will be expected to move into the mum position and cook and clean for her and if you don’t your house will become a mess. The dog is an absolute no if she didn’t discuss, this isnt her house and so she needed to check - I can imagine she will go out and you will need to look after it.

given that the relationship with them is odd at best, there is nothing stopping you putting your foot down now and saying no. NOW IS THE TIME, not once she has lived in. If your husband can’t or won’t stand up to this, then I would suggest you do with your daughter best interests at heart.