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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 10:40

EsmeSusanOgg · 07/04/2025 10:13

I'm trying to come up with a practical disincentive. If DH struggles to say no to his family, making it clear that they will not be ruling the roost/ she will need to lay or she is out may help dissuade them.

It.might not, they sound pretty awful.

Show quote history

Really she needs to kick him out, tell the family you’re separating and it’s all off, no one is moving in, no one is redecorating, no one is redesigning the barn, but dh will be staying at x for now if they desperately want to visit him like they have fpr the last few weeks and maybe he can take sils room at the parents if she is still moving out somewhere.

then let it settle, and tell dh you can talk in two weeks about him coming back as long as he holds up the same story with his parents, because there is no scenario where he comes back and his sister comes to live too and redesigns her house and you get to pay for her and her animals and have your in-laws stay week too.

arcticpandas · 07/04/2025 10:41

This is so sad @Sp3849 . I feel sorry for your DH who is longing for the parental love he never got. But this isn't it. They are using him (and you) to go on holiday and now lodging their golden girl. They are vile users and since your DH doesn't have the strength to put an end to it you will have to (if you don't want your life destroyed and be financially taken advanteged of).
Tell DH that this is not love, it's people using the both of you and you will put a stop to it right now. He has you and your dc who love him for who he is, not for what he's got and you're putting in boundaries for the sake of your family.
Tell sister and parents that the plans are off. Tell them that sister can NOT move in and that your DH will come to visit them because you need time alone due to mental health problems (don't need to precise that they are the cause of them). And this is it. Stick to your guns. It's a non negotiable or your marriage and your family might suffer irreversebly from this. You can do this. Let them huff, puff, scream and cry. Don't budge an inch. You need these vile people to stay away from your family! 💗

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:48

Ask them all to attend a family meeting. Say she can have a caravan on site and live here for free OR she can have the bedroom and pay £100 a week rent. Horse and Dog will need to be paid for by sister which ever agreement she goes for. Six month trial run starting from May 1st. Like it or lump it.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 10:48

I would divorce him. They are taking your home, your family income and your whole property and you and the kids will be their servants

rainingsnoring · 07/04/2025 10:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Have you bothered to read even the opening post? If so, how can you tell @Sp3849 that she is behaving badly and call her manipulative and narcissistic? These words all describe the behaviour of his parents and sister. His parents were clearly emotionally abusive to him during his childhood and he is desperate for their love when actually they are just using him.

rainingsnoring · 07/04/2025 10:50

arcticpandas · 07/04/2025 10:41

This is so sad @Sp3849 . I feel sorry for your DH who is longing for the parental love he never got. But this isn't it. They are using him (and you) to go on holiday and now lodging their golden girl. They are vile users and since your DH doesn't have the strength to put an end to it you will have to (if you don't want your life destroyed and be financially taken advanteged of).
Tell DH that this is not love, it's people using the both of you and you will put a stop to it right now. He has you and your dc who love him for who he is, not for what he's got and you're putting in boundaries for the sake of your family.
Tell sister and parents that the plans are off. Tell them that sister can NOT move in and that your DH will come to visit them because you need time alone due to mental health problems (don't need to precise that they are the cause of them). And this is it. Stick to your guns. It's a non negotiable or your marriage and your family might suffer irreversebly from this. You can do this. Let them huff, puff, scream and cry. Don't budge an inch. You need these vile people to stay away from your family! 💗

Agreed.

You need to be tough on behalf of your DH here, @Sp3849. Have you really not seen these people for what they are up to now?

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 10:52

MissSookieStackhouse · 06/04/2025 22:50

If they want all these extra gates and fences for the horse and they’re redecorating a room, it sounds like she’s planning to move in permanently. No way does this sound like a short term stop gap. Is she planning to pay rent? Once she gets her feet under the table and her horse in the stable, you’ll never get rid of her. The in-laws will be down all the more to visit her. It would be a firm ‘no’ from me under these circumstances. YANBU.

Not only this. She and her business will consume all the husband's income and de facto she will be the new wife of the house. That is despicable.

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 10:53

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:48

Ask them all to attend a family meeting. Say she can have a caravan on site and live here for free OR she can have the bedroom and pay £100 a week rent. Horse and Dog will need to be paid for by sister which ever agreement she goes for. Six month trial run starting from May 1st. Like it or lump it.

God Good No!!! The OP doesn't want her living in the house, full stop. If you start a trial, it will never end

ThejoyofNC · 07/04/2025 10:54

It's ultimatum time OP and I think you know that.

user1492757084 · 07/04/2025 10:56

Only go forward with what is sustainable for you.
Sustainable for each of you, for your relationship and for the relationship between you and your in-laws.

I would give the sister a strict three months to find her own caravan. (which has it's own bathroom) A strict three months of living with you - stated clearly and signed on paper, before she moves in. Draw up a legally binding agreement.

The in-laws can not visit whilst sister is there. They can visit once per month only after sister has moved into her caravan - staying in the decorated guest room.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 07/04/2025 10:57

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 10:48

Ask them all to attend a family meeting. Say she can have a caravan on site and live here for free OR she can have the bedroom and pay £100 a week rent. Horse and Dog will need to be paid for by sister which ever agreement she goes for. Six month trial run starting from May 1st. Like it or lump it.

No. They've shown their true colours... the whole family will be there, constantly, mooching off OP and her husband.

Don't give them an inch ... they've already taken the proverbial mile and are dictating how the rest of it should be done up for HER.

Don't let them come/

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 10:57

I cannot understand how a man who went to a hostel at the age of 17 to flee his parental home would allow all this to be happening. These people will run down your family savings, your real estate and take over what you prepared for your own child and her needs. You got to divorce NOW i am afraid unless he chucks all fucking luggage into a van, sat her in it and drove her to her family home, calls them out and gives them one good fuck of a speech and leaves forever.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 10:58

act very fast. You are that close of losing your life savings. Once they settle and claim she can register business there and all sorts.

ConnieSlow · 07/04/2025 11:01

Snoopdoggydog123 · 06/04/2025 22:37

I'd be dying violently on this hill.

Tell him it's all off. That no one is visiting for at least a months and then there will be rules.

If he fights you. Move into the spare room yourself.
Message his family and tell them all the above yourself

This. And you need to call it what it is. Not poor husband, it’s arsehole husband! He has allowed all this and turned on you.
he knew what he was doing and manipulated you. Surely divorce is better than living with these people. Oh and his sister isn’t moving out.

ConnieSlow · 07/04/2025 11:02

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 10:48

I would divorce him. They are taking your home, your family income and your whole property and you and the kids will be their servants

Agree this is divorce territory now.

anyolddinosaur · 07/04/2025 11:03

The dog stays home - you will take it to a rescue if they bring it. If you can bear it sil can stay for 4 weeks and after that you'll pack her stuff up and drive her home unless her parents have sorted out a caravan for her. You will expect her to pay towards bills and clean up after herself.

Start with a blanket "not happening" and let that be your compromise.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 11:04

Gcsunnyside23 · 06/04/2025 23:15

Wow I couldn't cope with all that. Im exhausted just reading it. This has disaster written all over it. I would use the dog as the excuse for this not happening

I would. I would be the Mistress of my house, because this is what I am. I was NC with a MIL who has her men on her little finger. Just tell her to fuck off and she shall

askmenow · 07/04/2025 11:07

No is a complete sentence... Tell PIL's they are taking over your home and you've changed your minds about SIL's move.

Oncewornballgown · 07/04/2025 11:09

It seems that you have unwittingly bought your ILs their dream home and they intend to take full advantage of it. @Sp3849 I haven’t picked up from your posts why you haven’t said No to any of it. This is your property as well, your voice counts and you really don’t need your husband’s permission to speak to your ILs about it. I don’t think you can pussyfoot around your DH’s feelings here; he obviously isn’t functioning. If you don’t set the boundaries yourself and your SIL moves in, the situation will break you both anyway.

I wouldn’t be put off by being outnumbered in this instance. At the moment you are letting everyone else get far too comfortable. I am a very peaceable person but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 11:11

PluckyBamboo · 07/04/2025 00:40

Omg, I would grab your suitcases and start packing.

She's moving in permanently.

she has and she is the new mistress of the house. It's going to be very ugly for the real wife and kids unless this dream home is sold and all dream gone due to apparently extremely weak and stupid man. Wondering how such people make money but that is another topic

Silverstars21 · 07/04/2025 11:12

I was 100% with the vast majority of posters who said absolutely no way should this woman move into your home. That is until I read about your daughters learning difficulties.

If your DH sister is genuinely going to help her by teaching her how to have her own business with horses then for a certain amount of time I would welcome the one to one input. I wouldn't tolerate the rest of the family feeling they have free access as & when they wish to visit. I would make them aware your DH loves them & wants to continue the relationship but you also need to spend time together alone,especially at weekends. If they take umbrage to this sobeit at least you have the support of DH sister. You plan to have a horse on your land. There is an enormous amount of work involved so I would welcome the help on all accounts. I would also make it clear that living with you is a temporary solution. I'd politely ask her how long she intends to stay & what are her long term plans re work etc.

Finally,unless you have a love of dogs and are really happy to take on the dog too then that would be a huge no from me. If in the end you still feel the same about the situation I would tell the sister you can't have the dog to stay as it would create too much stress & work along with everything else. This may make her think again.

Evilspiritgin · 07/04/2025 11:14

I’ve never been so pissed off on someone’s behalf in a long time

send a message stating that you’re going to your solicitor to get your contracts set up officially, make it sound like you’re doing it for their benefit

can you draw up a quote for all the work she’s wanting to change and send it along with a contract for rent (local rental costs, £550 a month, where I live plus extra for food and dog.) tell them you need 3 months in advance and send all to pil and sil.

I'm not sure how much you need to charge her for having her horse there as well, also make sure in contract she’s liable for all her own vet fees, as you don’t need to be liable for them

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 07/04/2025 11:14

Do you have parents or friends that can visit? Invite your people to invade every weekend for the next month or two so there’s no room for MIL etc… to stay and see how your husband likes his space invaded. We only have my in laws 2/3 times a year and it is hard work - I can’t imagine it being a weekly thing.

I would set some rules long term - only one overnight visit every 6 weeks from MIL (or whatever you can manage). Sister can only stay for one month, longer term she will need to find a room locally and apply for UC - as a compromise you can board her horse for her.

DeathNote11 · 07/04/2025 11:19

I thought my situation had been bad = ILs thought everyone & their dog would keep keys to fiancé's house & continue using it as an impromptu doss house after we started sharing homes. There were zero boundaries so I had to stand very firm & I'm loathed by them for it. I asked them all for keys to their homes so we could just rock up, drunk, often accompanied by strangers, let ourselves in, make a mess of their kitchens, rifle through their personal belongings & sleep where we fell, what's good for the goose right?..... talk about light blue touch paper then stand back. CFers won't stop unless you put a stop to it & if it's already gone as far as a home invasion, it's doubtful you'll reverse it without causing bad feeling. But you absolutely must put a stop to it or your home won't ever feel like your own.

ginasevern · 07/04/2025 11:21

OP, I think you need to leave your DH to it. Doesn't sound like he's going to see the light from what you've said. His sister will take over and his parents will more or less move in. Maybe your DH secretly hopes this is the case. He imagines he can create the sort of "happy families" environment he longed for growing up. But that doesn't leave any room for you, does it?