To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

@Sp3849 what an awful situation. Your DHs upbringing sounds awful too, especially if he ended up in a hostel aged 17.

You need to put a stop to this NOW. Tell his sister that she is NOT moving in, needs to rent a room locally, but can keep the horse at your house and pay for its upkeep herself.

Tell the inlaws they're welcome to come and visit but only once a month.

Make it clear to your DH that he chooses between his marriage or his sister. He can't have it both ways.

Your SIL clearly intends to move in and never move out.

Also if she 'can't afford a caravan' (which was never really going to happen, was it) then she can't afford a horse and dog.

This article looks at the jaw dropping costs of keeping a horse. A lot of it is on livery/stabling. Will you be sending her the bill?

https://www.horseandhound.co.uk/features/how-much-does-a-horse-cost-a-month-297517

Her parents must be thinking it's Christmas.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!!! Finally got shot of the freeloading overgrown teen and her expensive pets!

AND we have free stabling for that horse AND a free holiday whenever we want!!!

Cheeky fuckers.

From one of your posts it does seem he's regretting it.

First step - What your husband needs is an easy way out, feeling you're both in agreement about this.

A script he can follow, to tell them it's not going to happen. And follow-up scripts to assert and maintain the position.

(After he has been told very clearly 'happy wife = happy life'.)

Second step - therapy.

By saying 'yes' to his sister and parents, he gains their approval, and he will enjoy a short-term emotional elation as a result. However, it won't bring him the love or make up for the lack of love that he has been missing throughout his childhood etc. I feel sorry for your DH in that respect.

But he has to say 'no'. You've already told him it's going to wreck your marriage so what does he want; a short term boost to his feelings about his parents? or divorce? It's a no-brainer but if he does say no, he knows deep down he'll not be seeing his parents again as they'll make life very unpleasant for him.

I hope you can put a stop to all this because it's a shit-show in the making.

My anxiety rose just reading that, I really hope for your sake he reconsiders this ill thought out move.

And find out what her running a horse business from your home/land would do to your insurance / council tax etc etc.

Your DH had to head this off at the pass immediately and not wait until she moves in. The plan cannot go ahead. They are using him and you I’m sorry to say. SIL won’t move out once she’s in, or at least without it getting very messy and nasty.

Sorry op. You sound like good people, but you’re heading for disaster with this plan.

First post nails it ! It’s absolutely awful for your husband but they sound like absolute takers, all of them.

it will break you and your marriage , and then you’ll probably have to sell the dream home unless one of you can afford it independently!

It made me feel anxious for you reading your post OP

Please be firm, the life you see for yourself, after all of your hard work and planning, won't be what you end up with. From what you have said, I can't see the sister ever leaving. She is already demanding things change for her benefit, and why, if it is really only short term.
I think your husband needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his family moving in (and let's face it, the PIL will be visiting more and more) could break your marriage.
Horrible situation to be in, I really do feel for you. Be strong, be clear and be very ready to say, no more!.

Good luck OP.

Sending you lots of strength to be firm and stand your ground, OP. Here’s some Gin

Apologies if this has already been said, OP, but your SIL likes what you have got and has decided to move in and have herself and her horses live free in your home. My heart breaks for your DH, I can only imagine what it must be like for him wanting their love so desperatly but I think this is make or break time for your marriage. He needs to face the fact that they are never going to be the parents he wants them to be and put healthy boundaries in place. Not just for him, but also for the lovely family he has made for himself. Whether or not he can face this, though, only he can decide and you have to be prepared for the fact that he may never want to face it. That is going to leave you with a lot of questions about where your marriage goes from here. I am so sorry, you have both been put in a terrible position.

But she signs a contract, moves in then doesn’t pay what was stated on the contract.

What then? OP will have to get her out, how? Plus she has no where to go?

Just so much better to not let her move in in the first place.

Nor does your SIL even need to move in to start shoving your DD out. There was a horrible dispute locally a number of years ago when a woman who had her own land and outbuildings, set up a horsey business with her brother-in-law. He had a great reputation as a rider and trainer, as did she, and together they built up a riding school business. All the physical assets where hers, but they built a brand together. The two families were very close, husbands where best friends etc. Then she sadly died, leaving her entire estate to her eight year old daughter, and her BIL took her grieving father to court, arguing that he had built the brand so HE was entitled to all the physical assets. Fucking madness that it ever got to court and it ripped two families apart and cost thousands before, thankfully, the BIL lost his case. He was allowed to take the brand they had built up to another premises, which had never been in dispute, but it is shocking how money brings out the worst in people.

I'm struggling with the idea that your PIL and SIL wants are more important than the needs of you and your children. Your children's needs must come first. You stated earlier that you moved to accommodate your daughter's disability yet your husband is running around for his parents and sister who are dictating what they want in YOUR home and who took no interest in any of you when you lived close by. Your husband needs to wake up.
You must give him a clear choice as to who is more important, his parents and sister or you and your two children. Stop it now and show your children that they come first. If your husband can't or won't accept that then you will have to make some tough choices. Protect your children.

I think what is absolutely paramount is you slow this down. Absolutely no one over this weekend. It's going to be harder to get your partner to see the reality whilst he's caught up in the whirlwind. You need space and alone time to discuss this as a family and come up with a plan of action that involves regular weekends without his family visiting and you adding another dependant into the family home.
I wouldn't go all guns blazing that no way can she move in even if that is absolutely what I would be shouting inside. It might be more fruitful to sit your partner down and discuss the realities of what it would look like cost wise and time wise. I think the influence she might have on your daughter might need sanity checking and whether there would be better influences. She doesn't sound the most independent or together of adults. Learning life lessons from someone that's flakey and self interested rarely goes well.

Priority 1 slow this down and quickly.
Priority 2 get the full reality on the table
Priority 3 come up with a plan that is to the benefit for your family not your partner's.

OP it would incur business rates on all the equestrian space regardless if whether that space was private use or business use (can't remember if the land the house is on counts too) and would require planning consent. This is expensive.

If the business is SILs and involved teaching on your land on SILs own horses (possibly those owned by their owners too?) or the hiring of horses for riding, then she's officially running a riding school, even if it's just one horse and one staff (SIL). This requires licencing from the council. If she's in any way responsible for animals she needs care, custody and control insurance to cover the animals behaviour. Professional indemnity insurance to cover herself in the event she makes an error of judgement that amounts to negligence and results in some kind of loss to one of her clients. Public liability insurance too. Critical injury cover and loss of earnings cover would also be wise in case she's temporarily injured or permanently disabled and can't do her job.

If DD is nominally the business owner then she's also SILs employer, so needs employer's insurance and to comply with all employment laws, in addition to all the above.

…possibly capital gains tax on selling?

If she brings the dog its because the family intend to be there every week end

She is going to live with you forever. And expect to be cooked for and have her laundry done for her, just as she's used to.
I can't say this strongly enough. If she moves in she will never move out. You are running out of time to say no. You need to do it now, or the new life that you placed is over, and so will your marriage be.

I completely agree with this ^. In an ideal world your DH would stand up to them and say no but actually, fuck it, I'd say no to them yourself. Just say you did not sign up to all of this, you thought the sis staying stuff was temporary but clearly everyone's intentions have changed. And tell them that when it wrecks your marriage, you'll be taking your half of the equity with you. But ideally your 'D'H needs to find his anger and tell them to fuck off himself.

I missed that this is the family dog, not her own!! Wow.

In plain sight.

They're moving in, too. Bit by bit.

One daughter, one horse, her stuff, decorate a room for her, remodel the stable for her horse, add in their dog who they of course will also want to come and visit for weekends, holidays ...

Then they'll be pressing to decorate another room to their specifications, then they'll be selling their place, no point buying anywhere when they could come and join their daughter and of course the girls will be included in your will and bla bla bla ...

Exactly. OP has worked hard for this and they're taking it from underneath her, right in front of her eyes. She will never know a day's peace in her own home, because it won't be her own anymore.

OP Just print off and hand DP @Eastertidings post and ask him who will organise and pay for this, along with the cost of fencing, alterations. etc.
She doesn't have a caravan so who will pay for one?
In lieu of a caravan, if she lives in your house, will you be cooking, cleaning, doing her laundry (things her parent still do for her).
What about mealtimes? Your family meals will have a cuckoo in the nest always present. All your private family time will be gone.
Do you want a dog? Who will look after it, feed it, pay vet bills, clean up after it?
Who will pay for the horse, its feed, vet, farrier, stabling?

Ask your DP to add all that lot up! Once she is living with you, she will cost your family a small fortune.
As others have said, your DP has to choose between you and his sister, or divorce could be on the cards.

OP has worked hard for this and they're taking it from underneath her, right in front of her eyes. She will never know a day's peace in her own home, because it won't be her own anymore.

Sadly this is true. OP, have there been any further discussions/updates?

Only you know this, but if he won’t listen to reason, who would he side with - you or his sister?

I’d be tempted to tell him that the house goes on the market if things don’t get sorted out

I have just read your opening thread again - and I still can't believe how cheeky this bunch of entitled parasites are! 😡

Honestly, tell them all in no uncertain terms that the house and land belongs to you and your husband. It is not in family ownership to change and stay as and when they please. They are taking the pi$$ and using your husband to fulfil their own wants and needs.

~Then buy the biggest chain and padlock for the front gate, and put up a sign saying "F##K Off"

Redecorating your dream house and redesigning your barn? Just no! It may cause rows but tell your DH your in laws will constantly be there and remind him why he moved into a hostel at 17! Your in laws have been awful over the years, why on earth is he allowing them to stamp all over his boundaries (why did you move to their favourite holiday area?!) Put a stop to this now, this is your house, your life which is going to be ruined because your DH is in the Fog. 😭

I can guarantee if she moves in she will not move out again of her own accord, you need to put your foot down, it's your home too and if you're not comfortable in your own home things need to be said, Iff he won't tell them, you need to because it's not worth this level of stress, I feel stressed at the very thought of this situation and I'm not even in it! Please do not let her move in because it will likely destroy your relationship and it will definitely destroy your peace and your ability to settle and relax in your home