To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

This is absolutely a game of chicken.
His mother thinking she will stand the OP down and move her daughter in.

Clearly the OP's marriage is over.
She now needs to be clever.
Call Women's aid for advice AND 101 to check that his family CANNOT move into her home while the house is being sold.

This is what they may try to do.
But domestic abuse charities should be her first point of call.
Then legal advice.
What an awful weasel he is.
It takes a real snake to turn on his wife like this.

The OP wrote his parents are vile?
The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

While he is gone it is crucial OP gets organised, gets advice and change the locks as she "lost" her key!

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he cames back and trys to TELL her that his sister is moving in.

Thats why she needs domestic abuse charity advice now like Women's aid.

In the OP’s shoes, I would be tempted to contact the in-laws myself, and calmly state that you don’t want anyone else living with you. As a 50% stakeholder in their house, the OP has every right to do this, so far it seems that her DH and his family are forgetting she exists, and has rights.

This will undoubtedly cause the most enormous row, but it beats the alternatives

I'm sadden but not surprized by your update Op. He might think again if you talk divorce but it would suit his family for you to split, they'll just use him as they see fit and he won't have you to try and open his eyes. Legal advice asap, you need to know where you stand because they'll try to take everything

I do wonder if the DH will issue an ultimatum - sister moves in or we’re done (whilst forgetting this would mean him and the sister would ultimately lose the house)

As someone said upthread , this is turning into one big game of chicken.

I agree, because this is very much a campaign now. Not just a minor disagreement. Op will need to cover her back and be aware of all eventualities.

Maybe he will come to his senses op, and there will be room for some heartfelt discussion and honesty, but right now he is lost to them.

Whatever happens you can not have that family near you or your dc again. They are dangerously toxic.

Im really sorry. I mean I was reading your posts thinking OH things are looking up NOW THIS!!!!! what the heck. He needs to pull his head out of his butt.

The mother is now flexing her power over, she is using everything in her arsenal to ensure she gets what she wants. If she moves the sister in you will never be rid of any of them. This was her plan. I suspect she was very angry and resentful that you moved away whatever she said at the time.

I think to update from my pp it would still be end game for me. I could never trust him again to put us as his family first, and would be living on my nerves wondering when the next stealth move in would happen. How could they even come over for meal/short visit without you thinking, 'this is it, this is the time they come and refuse to leave'?

I guess you do need to consider if you want to continue living like this op?

I'm so sorry OP! What awful people!

@Sp3849 i would do absolutely nothing. I'd carry on my day and look after my children.
If your husband wants to buy you out it's a no (I did ask up thread if his parents were wealthy because those sort of people use money to gain advantage). You found the perfect house for them and they want it.

I agree your husband needs therapy. I don't talk to my sister as she was physically violent to me as a child and later gave my home address to my stalker (I have a restraining order). It saddens me especially as we lost our younger brother but she's horrible. Therapy showed me three people bullied me in my childhood. I sort my mother's approval up to the day she died.

We bought a very large country house and my parents, younger brother and my husbands best friend moved in at various times. They all wanted what we had. It cost a fortune. It was a way to get me to care for my parents into old age. That might be you PILS MO.

Your husband has a family, his DC and you. I think you need the infamous big girl pants. Repeat 'they're not moving in. We have two children, one SEN and enough to do. We're not a kubutz!'
Sometimes I feel a longing that comes from toxic families, it's seeking approval and it's heartbreaking but as adults we have to move on.
Everyone will tell you live close to the sea and you'll be a holiday park!
You've said your piece, concentrate on the DC as the will have heard snipits of this row (mine use to polish the bannisters). Look into therapy locally, I had six months £50 a session. Worth every penny.
Check your insurance re horses (I use the nfu). Also look for the chicken clause if you want to keep them. I grew up on farms some exclude fowl.
Good luck today. X

I'm going to repeat..This 👆

A loving family does not destructively insert itself into someone's marriage for their own benefit. They seem the type of people that would be highly satisfied if the OPs DH sided with them at the expense of the OP. This seems to be what they have persuaded the DH to do and therefore there are consequences.

Obviously they will walk away from the DH if he loses the house. Which is the course they may have set him on by their forceful and outrageous interference.

I also just want to say I really feel for you OP. I'm finding your thread stressful and I'm just a random on MN! You've said and done the right thing though particularly for the long term, and most of us on this thread agree. Not often you read a thread where there's pretty much no argument for the other side.

He's already chosen them, OP – by moving out for a few days presumably to stay with them. He should be at home with you, putting on a united front. Instead, he's listening to them say that you are the root of all their troubles and, what's worse, he is believing it. He's showing you he believes it.

I think your marriage might be over after this, because they are clearly going to override your wishes and have the sister move in regardless of how you feel. I'd spend the few days that he's away sulking getting your ducks in a row - sort out all the paperwork for the house and starting seeing if there's a way that he leaves for good and you and your DC stay in the house.

I can’t believe how they have got into his head .What vile people .

One other thing...your son is about to do his GCSEs (which start in just over a week) and your DH decides to leave the house and his own little family in a huff because you won't be bullied into doing what his parents want. What does your DS know or think about this? Is he worried or stressed by his dad's behaviour with these relatives that he hasnt known much of for long as they only recently paid attention? Did your DH give this any consideration at this hugely important time for your DS?

Your DH's priorities and judgement in deciding to leave is completely skewed. Presumably he is damaged by his parents treatment of him as a child but he was raised by these people and will have some of their traits potentially. Self focus being one (I hesitate to use the word selfish). Thinking about his own position and needs in this rather than his DSs.

I think your marriage might be over after this, because they are clearly going to override your wishes and have the sister move in regardless of how you feel.

But what would happen if the SIL turns up with her suitcase, and the OP stands at the door and says "no, you're not coming in?" It would be quite difficult to override the OP, and 99% of people would not try to move into a house when one of the owners had told her not to?

I am so sorry to read your update and I do feel for you, dealing with manipulative people is a living nightmare. The fact that they are up for a fight and have regrouped to come back for another go shows how important this scheme is to your in laws. And how enraged they are at the prospect of not getting their way. Also, being challenged and shown up has obviously not gone down well.
They have targeted the weak link, which is your poor damaged DH. It sounds like he feels confused and trapped between you all and needs the space to see if he can access his own thoughts and feelings. To do that, he needs to block communication with his parents too. Not just shut himself off from you. He is permitting them to triangulate and position you as the bad one that is stopping everyone else being happy. It is a horrible thing to do to you. They have possibly damaged him so badly in his upbringing that he finds it difficult to identify exactly what his own feelings are and to trust in them. This is what having them in his life does to him and you can clearly see that.
Just because they want what is yours doesn’t mean they can have it. At some level he will hopefully appreciate that for him to unilaterally decide to have SIL live in your home would be wrong. He can blame you (if he must) for not wanting her there and making everything feel difficult and not speaking up sooner but that is as far as it goes. It is understandable given how it came about why you didn’t speak up sooner though. You aren’t at fault in any way.

I understand that you feel like giving up and want to say that you aren’t alone. Many of us have had to stand our ground like this and I know from personal experience how miserable and painful it can be. It can feel as though it just isn’t worth the battle, however, toxic manipulative people don’t always get to have their way, although of course they don’t actually change. My totally non confrontational DH had to learn to stand up to his toxic relative and they fought back in a vicious way. I too was positioned as the baddie. He has minimal contact now as do I. You might find the Out of the Fog website and forum interesting to look at. They have a section regarding ILs and personality disorders which I found incredibly helpful. Forewarned is fore armed when it comes to recognising patterns.
My heart goes out to you as it feels like this is a turning point in your marriage. Creating your dream home has drawn his family in like bees to a honeypot. I truly hope that your DH comes through for you in the end. Do access whatever support you can as you will undoubtedly need to offload to sensible people who aren’t directly involved. I concur with pps in saying that you definitely don’t need to leave your home. It is the rightful place for you and your children to be living and that is indisputable at the moment.

Has any of OP's comments made you think SIL, supported by parents, wouldn't do that? You can just imagine it – OP trying to say no, DH saying she needs to come inside, vulnerable DD upset because of doorstep row. Plus clearly the family thinks the DH's wishes do override OP's.

I've no idea if that would play out or not - I'm just wondering what would happen if push came to shove?

@Sp3849 You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

I thought it was all resolved when he called them. But it sounds like his mother is extremely manipulative and doesn’t respect boundaries.

It’s your home. You’ve both worked hard for it. Apparently, with no help, support or even interest from his parents. So, why would they expect your help in the form of hosting them and their daughter? He’s not their parent. He has no responsibility towards them.

Try not to be too harsh on your DP. It’s so hard when being emotionally blackmailed by parents, when all you want is a loving, close family. However, he needs to understand he now has his own loving, close family, which he’s made a success of. A solid relationship with you, who’s never let him down. Two wonderful kids. And a beautiful home, which gives your daughter a chance of a future she’ll enjoy.

Neither of you should risk losing all that as a result of the entitled, disrespectful and manipulative intervention of his awful parents. That would mean you’ve both allowed them to damage your kids’ lives too. You both need to stand firm to protect and prioritise your own family. A few counselling sessions may help.

I hope your DP sees sense about setting boundaries with his mother. Your boundaries weren’t at all unreasonable. You’d offered to let them stay every 6 weeks FFS! He’s a father himself now and needs to break the cycle and put his kids ahead of his mother.

I feel for the sister having a mother like that. I’d consider helping her with the caravan in a planned way to help her get away from her overbearing parents and get some independence, as well as to support your daughter. After all, sounds like your DP had to do that if he was in a hostel at 17. But I’d be keeping the parents very much at arms length. They have no respect for you.

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence

That's an incredibly unusual thing to do, @Sp3849 - are his parents by any chance members of the traveller community?

@EdithBond as much as it sounds a caring idea to give the SIL a caravan and space to get some independence I don’t think it will work out that way. OP will effectively have two people in her home who will be pushing against her and who will be manipulated by their parents and creating a wedge between her and her husband.

It’s an awful position to be in OP, and through no fault of your own. I second the PP in making g your son’s GCSEs a priority. Push out the time for making any decision, play for time but get your ducks in a row if you need to separate.

@Puzzledandpissedoff IMHO it doesn’t matter what community they’re part of.

They’re selfish, overbearing and manipulative. And appear to want control over their children, whether as children as adults.

It may be because their parents and grandparents were like that to them (learned behaviour). All the more reason to break the cycle.

I would keep it fairly simple for him. Explain to him that, as his wife, you chose him. You made a conscious decision to do so. His family did not choose him, he was given to them and vice versa. The same goes for your own children. You are the only one in his life who actually chose to be with him, because you wanted to. It might just give him a little bit of clarity until he can figure it out for himself and see he is being manipulated.

Gosh OP I really feel for you.
His family are riding rough shod over both of your feelings.

But as said hold your nerve, let your DH move out where he can be away from you and the DC and be left with just his mother/sister in his ear. You stay put and, hopefully it won't come it it, but only move if the worst happens and you decide to take the divorce route, wait until the house is sold.

Worse case is it'll be stated that it's half DH's house so he/ his family feel they have a right to stay, debatable none the less...again hopefully that won't happen.

He really shouldn't be forced to have his wife feeling uncomfortable in her own home, but that's exactly what is going on, he seems desperate to have his parents in his life, even unkind one's but needs to realise what he stands to lose.

In the back of my mind I can't help but think as close as they may be his parents are trying to off load their daughter onto you/your DH as they've equally had enough of her and see your new place the perfect spot for her to be where they can visit but then return to the peace and quiet of their own home.

Stay true, and don't get into a conversation with your DH if he wants to discuss his family moving in, you've said all you have to say and he knows your stance on the subject.

Your interests only lie with where you, your DH and your own DC go from here.