To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

And so what part of "You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger" don't you understand? (BTW, I was a volunteer CA Adviser for 10 years.)

I think it’s probably for the best to have some space to think everything through.

You're getting a lot of advice to issue ultimatums and threats of divorce. Which, whilst I can see it’s tempting due to your husband back tracking and seemingly irrationally supporting his sister and mum over you in the moment, I’m not sure it’s in your interests long term.

You have children, a history and otherwise must be happy enough given your recent move together and no sign of wanting a separation before this issue.

Take a deep breath. Your husband is being emotionally torn in two and he’s struggling to make a view of his own. He’s aired your views and now he’s airing their views - his views seem to be harder for him to grasp and uphold, although I’m sure in time he’ll see what you can see. Mixing family with money or living arrangements rarely ends well.

I would be hesitant to talk about divorce etc because ultimately, you can’t take those kind of conversations back. Once something’s said, it can’t be unsaid, and if you love each other and value your relationship, then I don’t think it’s going to help matters. Of course that doesn’t mean you have to bend on your decision to not have SIL stay at your house, it just means you may need time to decompress and allow your rational self to talk over the situation with your husband. That it’s your home and you just don’t feel comfortable with how it’s all panning out, and that you need space away from them to realign. No threats to the marriage, no words of harm or hate to his family. Just calm conclusions that it can’t happen so what next.

Best of luck. Try not to let this blow up around you. It’s a fight, we all have them, but you can move past it so long as he comes to his senses, which I’m confident he will.

I am SO sorry that your husband has been so easily swayed into siding with his family against you OP, you must be devastated, especially after we all thought you both putting your foot down had done the trick.

In your shoes, I would take advantage of the days he's away to contact a solicitor and find out where you stand legally, so that if you do decide to end your marriage you go about it the right way, and don't make any mistakes which could prove costly in any way. As everyone else has stated, you SHOULD NOT move out of the house, and unfortunately he is legally allowed to move back in, but I would check, or you probably already know, having bought your house only relatively recently, whether you are 'Tenants in Common', or 'Joint Tenants'. If you are 'Tenants in Common', then he can't unilaterally decide to move his sister in without your consent, however, it might be more difficult if you are 'Joint Tenants', so I'd check that out with your solicitor over the next few days too.

I too have lived under the dominance of in-laws, and know how manipulative they can be OP, so I'm wishing you all the very best in sorting this out, and sending you strength, as it sounds like what you have to do over the next little while is going to take courage, and all the time with your children in the background to worry about.

The RSPCA are worse than useless when it comes to horse welfare cases I’m afraid. Just a mile from my house there was an awful welfare case for years, short story there was a herd of abandoned horses in a Greater London field which had a stream for water supply and riddled with ragwort in the summer. Only for the kindness of a local group who put water buckets and a bit of hay more would have died.
They were left to inter breed and stallions fighting, escaping meagre fencing onto a busy road resulting in some fatalities.
Finally after years of pressure World Horse Welfare rescued 14, 1 didn’t make it after being treated at RVC

@BakelikeBertha "If you are 'Tenants in Common', then he can't unilaterally decide to move his sister in without your consent, however, it might be more difficult if you are 'Joint Tenants', so I'd check that out with your solicitor over the next few days too." It's actually the other way around for co-owners i.e. a tenant in common can unilaterally take in a lodger, but a joint tenant can't.

It will help him resist his family I think if you refuse to leave op. If you leave the house they are winning and will be reinvigorated to chase him to go back to the sil moving in plan.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds as though your husband keeps getting sucked into the fog. Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
Fear of their behaviour
Obligation to be there for his biological family
Guilt about setting boundaries.

My husband was the exact same two years ago. And I hit a point one day where I just couldn't do it anymore. I recognised he was stuck in the fog, even though he could acknowledge their toxic behaviour to me. But I also recognised that as an adult with full capacity, his stance of constantly entertaining and enabling the drama was a choice. His choice to prioritise their manipulation was a choice.

Like you, I have a daughter with a learning disability and I wasn't about to let her grow up being dragged into the fog as well.

I gave my husband an ultimatum. Therapy or Divorce. DH chose therapy and I put our marriage on "probation" and said one more issue and I'm done. He did therapy weekly for almost a year and it changed our lives and marriage for the better. He's actually on month 5 of having no contact with his sister because she crossed some major lines. He's refusing to have contact until she acknowledges how foul she was. Two years ago DH would have brushed it under the carpet and blamed me for annoying SIL.

You have to prioritise yourself and your children because your DH clearly isn't able to right now.

You have got to be kidding.
my God -
how dare they?
of Course they blame you - manipulate people always do.
staying away for a few days ?
your dh is staying away from you?
his lovely wife and children?
and wonderful new house/ home?
where is he staying?
not with his user family?
Have I got this right?
he needs serious help if a validation from this poisonous family is more important than all he now has.
well op - LET HIM.
he needs to miss you and his good life to appreciate what he has …. He needs to see their vileness for himself - and then he can heal - and tell them to do one - and laugh in their face.

That’s appalling.
Thank goodness for kind people.

This. I am so sorry @Sp3849 I felt awful for you both to start, but now I am appalled by him.
Is he actually going down this manipulative path of 'ha! Well I'm moving out and won't come back till you do what we want!! Sis (and likely parents!) will have to be welcomed to join us, or I'm not coming back! What an absolute arse. Agree with pp to use this time to check your insurance, mortgage stuff and speak with a solicitor. That level of emotionally fuckery would be it for me as a wife. But to do that to your children? End game.

And just to add.
your dh has well and truely lost the plot.
Tough love op.
Hold your nerve
(get him to therapy asap - he’s so very far into the FOG)

Do you know what I think I am done.

I appreciate that he's doing this because he's desperate for their love and approval and that's overriding any consideration for you. But he needs to wake up. Because if he doesn't no-one would blame you for instigating a split.

And if you did, a sixth sense tells me that he would very soon realise what he's lost. You love(d) him, while he has to beg for crumbs from his parents. You helped him deal with the family shit, he'll have to do it on his own. But it would be too late. If he's decided that what they want they're going to get, with no thought for you and actually blaming you for it, then he's going to have to live with the consequences of that decision.

CF the lot of them.

You've worked bloody hard to get tgat house, now your in-laws are taking the piss

I would read the riot act to all of them, including your husband.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you. If he's prioritising his family of origin over the family he's created, you're fucked. He shouldn't be doing that but he has free will and realistically all you can do is save yourself. Only he can save himself, if he wants to. ☹️

You might want to join the stately homes thread too.

Lizzie give it a rest FFS, you're being ridiculous, even your own link copy/paste backs up everyone else's knowledge that you don't need a court order to evict a lodger. Not even if they refused to leave. Can means if you want to, if you want a show of force by bailiffs turning up to escort them out. Or you can just wait for them to go out, which they'll have to at some point, and prevent re-entry. You can call police if they try to force entry or act in an abusive manner.

Are you seriously supporting such blatant cee- effery?
So what if these are family members? It doesn't sound like they've been very good to the OP, her husband & kids in the past - and now they're taking a MASSIVE liberty!
Just because you're closely related to someone doesn't automatically make them the most important person in your life. In fact if as a healthy adult your only social focus is mummy, daddy and siblings then there's something peculiar about you.

@Sp3849 ok while he is away for a few days, most likely staying with them, take this opportunity to get all your ducks sorted, bank accounts, shares, stocks. birth marriage certs. passports. get them all into your safe place perhaps in a safe deposit box. you are going to have your work cut out now that his parents have got in his ear! put all his stuff into black bin bags and make a sofa up for him to sleep on downstairs in the tiniest room available. this is the only way that he will understand how serious you are being!! you and your dh are married but he is making no effort to keep you happy. he is only making the effort to keep his family happy. he cannot see that they are just using him at all. the family who have spent many years dismissing him!!

OP do NOT leave your home!

That's their plan. They couldn't take you home with you in it. So they've cooked up a plan to get rid of you and still get what they want in the end.

Well, perhaps when he comes back he should find the doors bolted. Have the discussion about how things will need to be if you're going to let him back in somewhere else.

Point out that if you divorce, the house (with all the equine facilities) will have to be sold anyway, so there'll be nowhere for his sister. He can live somewhere else (and support / house her if he chooses), or he can live with you - he can't do both. Not even the caravan on the land (you'll still be paying for her utilities and her horse, and she'll be tapping on your door whenever it's cold or whatever).

Tell him from now on, his relationship with his parents and sister is his business, but if he sees them, it'll be somewhere off your property and not with you - you don't want to see them or hear from them again.

The parents have created a 30yo who can't or won't take responsibility for herself, and now they're getting on a bit they've realized it's not a bed of roses and they're trying to push her off on DH and you. Then what happens as you and he both get older? What if he's less lucky with his health or whatever? Then YOU become "carer" (to this woman who doesn't actually need one). It'll never end. Stand firm.

I’ve just read your thread. When dh stood up to his family I thought brilliant, and have now seen the update. I am so sorry, but I think you are right. This is never going to go away if his family can just blame you and get away with it. Good luck x

I’m sorry OP. Their emotionally abusive parenting has reared its head once again and your husband is responding with a trauma response. His sister is part of this toxic family system. They got him on the phone alone, I’m sure they went in very hard. Amazing despite everything they are still pushing! Classic tactic to persecute you, make him feel he’s with them (something I’ve no doubt they know he craved since a child). He’s not seeing the wood for the trees right now. Their manipulation will be very convincing.

You sound amazing and together though and you’ve build what sounds like a beautiful life together (without them!) I agree with some other posters about you not leaving the home. I wonder if writing him a letter is a good idea. Maybe he needs to be reminded of the journey you have been on together, the hurts you’ve weathered over the years from them, the dream you’ve built. How much you want to protect that.

Hopefully he will see sense and get some therapy to unpack their behaviour. A good therapist will see exactly what’s going on very quickly.

it must be very hurtful for you to hear where he’s at right now. Keep your boundaries and your knowing that it isn’t you. Stand firm and yes, I agree, there’s zero need for you to have a relationship with these people, or have them near your kids going forward.

Really hope you both come together and find your way through this.

This.

You don’t force yourself into someone else’s home/marriage just because you fancy living there and want somewhere for your horse, FFS!

And all the advice about permission from mortgage companies etc is neither here nor there because the OP simply doesn’t want it to happen, whether the bank allows it or not.

Leave him to stew OP, and do not leave the house. They sound like awful people, they are quite content to destroy their son’s marriage to get their choice of housing.

Your husband is under their control. Very similar to those in a cult. The same brain washing takes place.

His family have abused him, controlled him and continue to manipulate him so he becomes confused, it is very disorienting. He needs urgent professional help.

Your dh doesn’t know this is happening, because he doesn’t recognise it as abuse and manipulation. He will live in fear that they will abandon him, he is very, very damaged op. Perhaps you didn’t understand the extent of it, or the impact it would eventually have when you met him.

Stand firm on this op, or your life as you know it will be over. Everything you have said is entirely reasonable and fair, but he won’t be able to see it that way for now.

You did the right thing moving so far away, it was the best chance you had as a family but it’s now under threat, it is being directly challenged, and he seems unwilling and unable to defend you or your life together. Do you have real life support? Close friends? I think you need some help and support in real life op, what you are uncovering now is huge.

The plaster has been ripped off, and now you can see the gaping wound it must feel very frightening to be in this position.

First things first. Prioritising the children with their revision. Keep everything calm and quiet. Nothing will happen immediately anyway,

Secondly, take a long hard look at your finances, get everything in order op. Take legal advice so you are aware of your position. Ensure you have copies of all paperwork and passports etc are safe.

Maje a plan B based on the worst case scenario. What does that look like?

You need to tell him clearly and directly. This IS a dealbreaker. If he chooses his mother over you, then that is his choice to make, hut you will no longer tolerate being bulled by her or be forced into any living arrangements that will be severely detrimental to your children. He needs to know he could lose everything.

I am so sorry it has come to this.
I would add that he isn’t welcome back until he has booked a professional therapist. It’s absolutely toxic.

And surely he must realise that if he ruins things with his wife, he’ll lose the house in the process?

The mother has calculated that op will cave in before that happens…

He wants to move out, let him.

He wants to side with his toxic family, let him.

Focus on what you can control. Your life, your children, your priorities.

If he can’t prioritise his children then he fucks off. Stay put.

I would recommend getting some legal advice simply so you are prepared and feel more confident about what the future might hold if he doesn’t wise up.