Husband wants expensive holiday that we can't afford

[Exhaustedpenguin]

I'm really after advice here as I don't know what to for for the best.

DH and I both work and have 2 teenage children. Most years we do an interrailing holiday around Europe, visiting several countries and a mix of sleeper trains and 4* hotels. We always fly back from where we've reached with a budget airline.It usually costs more than a standard 2 weeks all inclusive resort type holiday because of the cost of eating out/travel etc, but we love it.

This year we are having extensive renovations on the house - at least 60k. We have no savings, and the renovations will be added on to our mortgage. The holiday will go on his credit card. I have said we should just do a week in a UK cottage instead of usual holiday, to prepare for all the unexpected costs that the renovations will kick up.

DH has refused. He says he works hard and deserves a decent holiday. We have been arguing for weeks. I have refused to agree to an overseas holiday. Last week he told the kids I didn't want to go on holiday and asked them to choose- go with him or stay with me. DD chose to go, DS chose to stay. Now DH is constantly dropping digs at me in front of them. That I don't understand how money works, that I don't work as hard as him. It's unbearable. And yesterday I discovered that he's booked interrail tickets for the 3 of them- ignoring my sons request.

I really don't know what to do. My son is adamant that he wont go unless I do. If I go, we will end up getting more in debt. DH won't compromise on having a cheaper holiday.

Apologies this is so long but there's a lot to consider...

I agree with this.

No she’s the sensible one. Her DH is irresponsible spending money they don’t have on an expensive holidays.
Contrary to popular belief, holidays are a want, not a need.

Oh dear.... This gets worse...
Do you actually understand and have equal control of family finances?
Will the 60k renovations add 60k value to the property. Will your extra mortgage commitments be less than 30/40% of your combined take home..Do you have savings? Are you contributing enough to pensions... It all sounds very lots of jam today and no long term plan....

I’m with you op. I also grew up in poverty, I remember 2 caravan holidays and a week half board in butlins when my parents won something on the pools. DH from very comfortable middle class family that prioritises travel. However, DH is very much with me on holidays are nice but can be achieved on a budget, maybe because he’s already well traveled, but I think it’s more he’s learnt we aren’t as wealthy as his family or because when we first got together I as the high earner controlled all finances so he got use to my budgeting and decision making which even though he’s the high earner now he’s still happy for me to manage the family budget and I’d never allow him to put us in debt for anything (excluding mortgage or serious house repairs). My first husband put us in a lot of debt I won’t allow myself to ever end up that way again.

He obviously dosnt value you the way he talks to you and undermining you with the children. I would be considering my relationship with the different money position alone, but add to that the lack of respect and playing your children off against you. I think I’d be looking on serving divorce papers on his return, or even ruin the whole thing and serve them the day he leaves. Also hide the dcs passports.

Will you even get the extra 60K mortgage (of course you may have a lot of equity)?

It means he isn't paying but is counting on OP to do this. He's actually like a third (adult) child who spends his salary on what he wants and then lets mum OP take care of all the necessities including taking responsability for the children.

He’s not understanding Martin Lewis. I love Martin Lewis, and his budgets are definitely not about putting holidays that you can’t afford on credit cards. Or about having 0 in savings.

Do you have a proper budget that takes into accoubt his earnings, your earnings, living costs, big expenses like holidays etc. It seems very random who pays for what.

This £60000 is going to increase your mortgage payments permanently. What are your plans for future years holidays

Netflix is in no way equivalent to a holiday that costs thousands of pounds. It's the kind of ridiculous thinking that I see sometimes bandied about out of touch politicians.

"Skip your weekly Starbucks and you'll be out of debt".

Treats like streaming services that are in the budget are absolutely fine. Getting into debt for a holiday when you are already 60k further in debt due to renovations is insane.

It is such an entitled attitude to think that anyone deserves a holiday. Holidays aren't something that are a reward for working hard... They're something you get if you can afford them.

I haven't been able to afford them in the past and so I went about 6 years without a holiday or break. It's life.

Another issue for me is the fact that he is pitting your children against you. He went ahead and booked the tickets and is now making your children choose between you both. This is vindictive and manipulative.

Personally, I would stand strong. If you give in now, he will think he can bully you into decisions forever.

It means he isn't paying but is counting on OP to do this. He's actually like a third (adult) child who spends his salary on what he wants and then lets mum OP take care of all the necessities including taking responsability for the children.

That's what I was trying to establish. So surely (if that's the situation), OP said, 'so are you expecting the children/your parents to have no birthday presents any more or are you expecting me to pay for it? The car MOT and service will be £300, that needs to be paid for'

How did that conversation go?

Did the DH say he wanted to cancel Netflix but OP carried on paying for it?

@Exhaustedpenguin i don’t really think the holiday is the issue here- it’s the complete disrespect he has for you and your opinions. He doesn’t care what you think, he expects you to fall in line and when you don’t he starts belittling you, playing the kids against you, snide little comments.

How is the rest of your relationship? When the kids leave home in a few years do you think you’ll be happy together?

What a shitty father to bring the dc into the argument and put them in an awful position

This is a really immature attitude. People who know they're going to die tend to put their affairs in order and make sure things are okay financially for their spouse and children, rather than spending money they don't have.

OP's DH only thinks about himself and no one else matters.

Well actually sometimes I get really sick of working hard and constant drudgery and endless jobs and chores and spinning plates and just fancy being a bit ‘immature’.

Have you checked that your mortgage can be increased by the proposed amount? If not please do so. Also tell your DH the extra monthly payment that will need to be made each month. There is a compromise but sadly doesn't seem like DH wants to. He's throwing his toys out of his pram! Childish. As for putting you in the middle about picking which parent to go away with, that's DISGRACEFUL. Good luck and stay strong.

He sounds like a dick. Always a bad idea putting holidays on credit cards.

They are married

I was a single parent for years and we had three holidays (in the UK) in all the time my child was growing up. I didn't have the money so we didn't have a holiday. I don't understand why people 🤔 it's a right to have expensive holidays! Yes it's a right to have a break from work, have days out, relax and see family - but holidays, no. It's far more important to get your finances under control - then you can plan for a holiday you can actually afford.

Having different attitudes to money can be a serious issue.
You say you have no savings , but go on a quite expensive holiday every year, which makes me think that you are not a stranger to paying for things on credit- so why is this time such a deal breaker. The renovations are being added to the mortgage so going on holiday isn't going to put you in any more debt than usual. Your mortgage repayments will be higher , but you will have to adjust to that before next years holiday.
I don't care how obsessed with Martin Lewis he is- if he cancels these things it seems very much as if he is in financial charge- you should not pay for them, your DH can explain to DD and DS that they are getting no birthday presents and can no longer watch Netflix, make sure you don't pay for the car either- having to walk to the station/work will change his viewpoint I am sure. These things need to be paid for from your joint account, you need to sit him down and tell him he cannot make unilateral financial decisions that affect you all.
You need to sit down with the figures and work out what you can afford, and all agree- it seems as if your DH is a but of a child and is working on the principal I work hard ,I deserve it- but he has to be made to see it can't be subsidised by your paying for things- if everyone agrees you can live without Netflix, a car and birthday presents , fine- but if not who the hell does he think he is making these decisions for all of you?
You cannot go on like this , he can't just decide what everyone can and cannot have- this is not 1900 with the only money coming in being his- you need to have this out, now.

So he's steamrolling you, made your kids choose between you and now he has overrode your son because he decides everything. Divorce territory. Who the fuck does he think he is? It might be his card but you are making the sacrifices to pay it.

I think you both should spend time working on your marriage & stop dragging your teens into destructive behaviours. What hope have they got, what examples are you setting them living with arguments about who earns the most, who spends the most, who's siding with who - it's a recipe for disaster.

DH doesn't save. He has a 'live for the moment' attitude. I pay for all the children's costs and ahy hone improvements. I also pay for all the car costs as he doesn't drive.

This, plus the above, your husband is an utter joke. What a total fool.

He doesn’t drive.. so you pay car costs? Is he not a passenger? A strange household budget. I think, not my business but you asked, there’s lots that needs to change in your relationship. It’s a good job you’re sensible.

Normally I would be totally on OPs side, but there are some odd comments here. The one about making DCs realise you have to sacrifice for nice things - I don’t know what the renovations are, but most DCs would place holidays much higher than having a slightly nicer house - I am an adult and our crumbling undecorated abode lays testament to my priorities. Secondly the one about saying no to DD going on the school trip when it sounds like they could afford it also seems a bit off.

It is possible that OP and her DH simply have incompatible finance styles. I could not live with putting a holiday on a cc and paying it off during the year, but many people do. Forcing all the day to day expenses onto OP is admittedly not great at all.

Agreed the DH seems childish and demanding, but I would need to know a bit more about what these renovations actually are before making a definitive judgement.

He is being childish and stubborn. Unfortunately I don't have a resolution apart from him coming to his senses. If he's already booked the tickets I'd assume it's non-refundable anyway. Maybe cheaper hotels would be a compromise?