Husband wants expensive holiday that we can't afford

[Exhaustedpenguin]

I'm really after advice here as I don't know what to for for the best.

DH and I both work and have 2 teenage children. Most years we do an interrailing holiday around Europe, visiting several countries and a mix of sleeper trains and 4* hotels. We always fly back from where we've reached with a budget airline.It usually costs more than a standard 2 weeks all inclusive resort type holiday because of the cost of eating out/travel etc, but we love it.

This year we are having extensive renovations on the house - at least 60k. We have no savings, and the renovations will be added on to our mortgage. The holiday will go on his credit card. I have said we should just do a week in a UK cottage instead of usual holiday, to prepare for all the unexpected costs that the renovations will kick up.

DH has refused. He says he works hard and deserves a decent holiday. We have been arguing for weeks. I have refused to agree to an overseas holiday. Last week he told the kids I didn't want to go on holiday and asked them to choose- go with him or stay with me. DD chose to go, DS chose to stay. Now DH is constantly dropping digs at me in front of them. That I don't understand how money works, that I don't work as hard as him. It's unbearable. And yesterday I discovered that he's booked interrail tickets for the 3 of them- ignoring my sons request.

I really don't know what to do. My son is adamant that he wont go unless I do. If I go, we will end up getting more in debt. DH won't compromise on having a cheaper holiday.

Apologies this is so long but there's a lot to consider...

They can’t afford 60k of renovations. It’s going on the mortgage debt.

OMG, sorry for the teenage chicken! Though they would probably be cheaper than teenage children… 😬

You can't get joint credit cards. You can have additional card holders, but the debt belongs to the main account holder only. So technically an additional card holder could run up a huge amount of debt on a credit card, but only the account holder is responsible for this.

This!
I usually raise my eyes slightly at leave the bastard replies but actually the combination of his lack of respect for you and parental alienation of the children would make me consider divorce.

Have you thought about doing a family budget meeting with the children and DH? Lay everything out on paper and decide as a family.

You could factor in mortgage payment with the 60k, or 70k or 80k in case you go overspent.

Personally I wouldn’t be going on any holiday, but then I wouldn’t be remortgaging for a refurb either.

Compromise do a cheap holiday abroad.
When my kids were younger we had no savings but we always did a cheap holiday without going into debt.

Your DH sounds like a spoilt child. His attitude to money / savings / debt is alarming!

Rather than put a holiday on a credit card each year and pay it off, why not have one year without a holiday and save for the following year’s holiday?

We’re also having extensive house renovations, so no holiday for us. We’re on our 3rd house reno and my tip is however much you think it’s going to cost, double it, and it’ll still cost more!

He’s burying his head in the sand and it’ll end in tears.

I'm going to sign off tonight but just a few things

The renovations are being added onto the mortgage. He tells me that he'll just borrow extra to cover the extras

I grew up in poverty. We didn't have holidays. I think this is why I'm more prepared to miss out.

He is obsessed by Martin Lewis and has cut out all none essentials. In reality, all this means is that I have to pay for them- car, netflix, birthday presents, unexpected costs etc. He then accuses me of being reckless.

He will not cut back on the holiday costs. I tried before to suggest picnics etc, cheaper hotels and he said that 'wasn't a proper holiday'.

There's a happy medium. I've went on holiday to the south of France on my own (expensive in itself) for a week last year: £500 for a 3* hotel, couple of hundred to get there, 60 euro a day spending money. Used public transport to get around. Your husband sounds like a brat, to be honest.

The level of disrespect he's showing you, the selfishness by making the DCs choose, lying to them and constantly making digs is all abusive behaviour.

Last week he told the kids I didn't want to go on holiday
I hope you set them straight that he was bare faced lying as you were suggesting a UK cottage holiday. Have you been to the Lakes or Snowdonia, or Scotland? Lots to see and do.

Making the kids choose between parents is abusive.

So what if he works hard, this year that money is going towards the renovations.He can have his.more expensive holiday next year.

It's him who doesn't understand how money works.

I really can't believe the players saying 'you only live once etc'.

It seems to me you are in a very precarious financial position, unless there is more information forthcoming.
His plan to cover overspend is to borrow more, but there is a limit to what you can borrow, and you will have to cover the monthly repayment for however many years.
If you had young kids in the nursery years I wouldn't find it so alarming..but with teenage children- how on earth are you going to put them through uni?

There was some compromise to be had between you on the holiday- did you actually find a reasonably priced cottage? Yes, you could have booked a eurocamp. However really the big issue at hand is that you are at financial loggerheads.

I couldn't be with someone who put the children in such a position. I hope you manage to sort it out.

Look like you need to look at how you pay for things.
if your children see him as paying for holidays do they realise he does that because he does not fund any of their costs?
perhaps the child going on holiday needs to have all their spending curtailed by you - after all your DH can fund that too.

and I certainly would want to look at not contributing more than 50% to every pot… why pay for more so he can be reckless? What does that teach your children?

I wouldn’t go forward with the renovations. You can’t afford both and he won’t back down off the holiday. Either way though your marriage is fucked.

He sounds like an entitled stubborn ass.

Do not cave just because you don't want your DS to miss out. Missing one annual holiday is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, your DS will be fine and it's nice that he's supporting you (even though he should never have had to make the choice).

Your DH has a cheek calling you reckless when he doesn't save and goes on an annual holiday that you cannot afford in the same year you're having home renovations that you also cannot afford.

I'm with you on this OP, I also wasn't brought up with this annual holiday thing that say my husband's family was. So I don't have the mentality that your DH does.

It's his attitude and 'his way or the highway' mentality that is the issue here and makes him sounds deeply unpleasant.

Don't give into him, you & DS can enjoy a lovely peaceful fortnight at home together while they're gone.

Start by cancelling Netflix. If you pay for it, stop.
dont buy any birthday presents that he does not pay half of.

Surely there’s a compromise here, drive the car to northern France for a week perhaps and go to the museums and beaches … rent a gite, holiday park or stay in a lower grade hotel (I paid €72 a night which included dinner, bed and breakfast even a carafe of wine for 2 of us last year in Normandy

What is the renovation planned and is £60k going to cover it? If works save started I would be reconsidering this.

I have to say I wouldn't cancel a holiday for house renovations. Your teenagers are going to be young adults soon. Will the extra space be necessary when they move out?

Will your teens be wanting to holiday with you in 5yrs? I would rather make memories with my kids....

It sounds as though the husband wants both!

Your husband ‘works hard and deserves a decent holiday’ does he?

But if he has a wife who pays for the house, car, and loads of children’s expenses, but despite all this ‘working hard’ he can’t afford a single family holiday without going into stupid, high-interest credit card debt, then he’s not f*ing working hard enough.

Where does his money go? Is he a piss-head, or gambler? None of this makes sense.

God, the way some people live.

To those posters that are suggesting a compromise, the whole point of the OP is that her DH does not want a compromise

If you are putting a holiday on a credit card because you don't have the money to pay for it then you really should not be going.

He is obsessed by Martin Lewis and has cut out all none essentials. In reality, all this means is that I have to pay for them- car, netflix, birthday presents, unexpected costs etc. He then accuses me of being reckless.

What does this mean? If he's cut out non essentials-what are they? Has he said, 'I'm not paying for Netflix or anyone's birthdays'?

This is a absurd, nobody "deserves" what they can't afford. It was behaviour like this that wrecked my marriage. You must have savings, you can't just go on living on debt.
What if one of you or both lose your jobs?

Hmm. I’d say I’m not covering any extra to pay for your spends, at all this year. We’ve had enough. The dc will miss out. There will be no birthday presents. I’ve already cancelled Netflix, there will be nothing you can’t pay half on. I’m not the bad guy who then has to fund our life. The dc will suffer for your choices here. We will do this for a year ,go without a lot, and then decide if our marriage is salvageable. Right now it feels not.

and I’d stick to it. I would have cancelled the Netflix. We’d have no birthday presents. No trips out. No clothes. Your dc are old enough to understand mum and dad don’t have any money. It’s a year. But your dh needs to understand frugal is frugal, not get the woman in your life to pay for everything you want.