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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants expensive holiday that we can't afford

149 replies

Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 19:41

I'm really after advice here as I don't know what to for for the best.

DH and I both work and have 2 teenage children. Most years we do an interrailing holiday around Europe, visiting several countries and a mix of sleeper trains and 4* hotels. We always fly back from where we've reached with a budget airline.It usually costs more than a standard 2 weeks all inclusive resort type holiday because of the cost of eating out/travel etc, but we love it.

This year we are having extensive renovations on the house - at least 60k. We have no savings, and the renovations will be added on to our mortgage. The holiday will go on his credit card. I have said we should just do a week in a UK cottage instead of usual holiday, to prepare for all the unexpected costs that the renovations will kick up.

DH has refused. He says he works hard and deserves a decent holiday. We have been arguing for weeks. I have refused to agree to an overseas holiday. Last week he told the kids I didn't want to go on holiday and asked them to choose- go with him or stay with me. DD chose to go, DS chose to stay. Now DH is constantly dropping digs at me in front of them. That I don't understand how money works, that I don't work as hard as him. It's unbearable. And yesterday I discovered that he's booked interrail tickets for the 3 of them- ignoring my sons request.

I really don't know what to do. My son is adamant that he wont go unless I do. If I go, we will end up getting more in debt. DH won't compromise on having a cheaper holiday.

Apologies this is so long but there's a lot to consider...

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:10

Thanks for all the replies (and reminding me of my 2 teenage chickens 😂)

I do understand what those of you on my DH's 'side' are saying. The holiday is hugely important to him, the children look forward to it and yes, we could drop dead tomorrow.
I'm angry that he's gone behind my back. He did something similar last year when I said that we couldn't afford for DD to go on an overseas school trip (not part of her studies). He waited until I was at work and booked it. I only found out when I got an alert from the school's app.

He says it doesn't matter because he pays for it, but it all has an impact on the family as a whole. He doesn't set aside money for savings, he doesn't pay for any day to day costs for the kids and he won't pay for home improvements because he 'can't afford it' I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.

I need to stop whinging now...

OP posts:
Ellmau · 06/04/2025 21:10

How essential are the renovations? Is it a case of stopping the house falling down, or a massive extension? Unless it's the former I would look at cancelling.

gamerchick · 06/04/2025 21:12

He can do what he wants. Tell the bairn he doesn't have to go and stand up to your husband. He's trying to wear you down because he needs your contribution.

Personally I'd tell him to make a choice. The renovations or the holidays. You can't afford to do both.

CowTown · 06/04/2025 21:16

He’s financially irresponsible. If he loses his job, how will he pay back the holiday?

I get it if people have no savings, end up in an emergency, and have to buy something on a credit card. A holiday abroad is NOT an emergency. This laissez-faire attitude to taking on debt would drive me crazy.

Original poster
Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:17

gamerchick · 06/04/2025 21:12

He can do what he wants. Tell the bairn he doesn't have to go and stand up to your husband. He's trying to wear you down because he needs your contribution.

Personally I'd tell him to make a choice. The renovations or the holidays. You can't afford to do both.

This is what i did. Which kicked all this off. So I need another strategy...

OP posts:
JorgyPorgy · 06/04/2025 21:19

Why does he think you’d want to go on holiday with him after he’s behaved like this ? Does he think that’s how to persuade you? What would he do if you booked a uk holiday for you & the kids and not him? Tell him two can play his stupid game .oh and tell him he now needs to contribute financially equally to everything and any debt he wants to rack up goes in his name alone. Get a contract if need be.

FullOfLemons · 06/04/2025 21:22

Your DH does not deserve a holiday.

He would only deserve a holiday if was able to earn enough money to afford one. It does not sound like that is the case if he needs to put it on his credit card.

And how does he think undermining to you in front of the DC helps. That is a shit thing for him do.

You are absolutely right to teach your kids to make sacrifices for nice things. It is a shame your DH did not learn this lesson when he was a child younger

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Lookingafterthepennies · 06/04/2025 21:22

Do you live frugally most of the time? or can you make cut backs (less takeaways etc) to pay for the holiday?

I’d be fuming about the going behind your back, that’s sneaky and disrespectful.

That said I also get his point and if he’s confident that he can pay off the holiday and not get you all into debt then as a grown arse man he should be able to decide whether he goes on holiday or not.

MumChp · 06/04/2025 21:24

Holiday on a credit card. I would refuse to go.

dreamingbohemian · 06/04/2025 21:27

I'd be more worried about 60K in renovations you can't afford!

The two of you should have compromised at the start. A week in the UK costs a fortune these days, you could do 10 days in a cheaper part of Europe for similar. Your stubbornness hasn't helped although he is a total ass for dragging the kids into it.

For their sake I would go along but plan cheaper accommodation and meals

Fancycheese · 06/04/2025 21:29

He’s acting like a child. He also sounds extremely reckless and selfish from your update posts. Has he always been this disrespectful to you?

Original poster
Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:32

Thanks for all the replies. My DS is still saying he won't ho without me so I really do feel I'm being backed into a corner because I do t want him to miss out because of me.

I suggested a city break but that was also rejected.

My DH has no idea how much the renovations are gong to cost in total When I try to talk to him about the extra costs he says he'll just stick it on the mortgage. Which will take money away from our everyday spending.

OP posts:
ThisOldThang · 06/04/2025 21:36

Ellmau · 06/04/2025 21:10

How essential are the renovations? Is it a case of stopping the house falling down, or a massive extension? Unless it's the former I would look at cancelling.

The average cost of a loft conversion is now £60k in London.

I doubt £60k would get you a massive extension anywhere in Britain.

We've been given initial estimates of £200k+ just for the building work for our extension and need to allow for fixtures and fittings (glazing, bathrooms, kitchen, flooring, tiles, sockets, etc).

IrritatedEarthling · 06/04/2025 21:42

I don't think it's fair on anyone - kids or adults - to draw a line in the sand and get the children to pick a side, I think that's the point I want to make most of all.

I can see why he would feel disappointed about the holiday but you need to work towards a compromise rather than splitting the family in two.

Cheaper meals out when abroad - there is a massive difference in cost between eating three times a day in a restaurant and doing picnics from bakeries and supermarkets, which in countries with good bakeries (i.e. not the UK) is a great experience.

You can also save a lot by toning down from 4 star hotels to something much cheaper.

A cottage in the UK is more expensive than you think after all.

You said the renovations are going on the mortgage - so where is the money you would normally have for the holiday?

Talk rationally with him about how you can come up with the money for the holiday he wants, maybe he has some ideas about economising over the coming months.

I get so weary of these threads with everyone piling on with the same old "you are married to a child", and "does he have form for behaving like this?" Just communicate rationally with your husband and don't drag the kids into it.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 06/04/2025 21:45

Why doesn’t he pay towards the children’s costs?

EuclidianGeometryFan · 06/04/2025 21:45

Financial incompatibility, like sexual incompatibility, can ruin a marriage.

All you can do is be very clear about your boundaries and 'rules', e.g. how much you expect him to put into the joint account each month, what he has to pay for, what you will pay for, and so on.
Never take on debt in your name to please him.

Ultimately, as you are married, your finances are entwined. But you can ease the situation day to day by being clear in your own mind about what debt and costs are 'his' and what are 'yours'.

However, the manipulation and disrespect in front of your DC is another matter - for me that would be verging on a deal breaker and I would be considering divorce.

JANEY205 · 06/04/2025 21:47

Why do you pay for all children’s costs?! And surely he still uses the car? Does he not contribute to petrol or anything? WTF!!

Doitrightnow · 06/04/2025 21:47

Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:32

Thanks for all the replies. My DS is still saying he won't ho without me so I really do feel I'm being backed into a corner because I do t want him to miss out because of me.

I suggested a city break but that was also rejected.

My DH has no idea how much the renovations are gong to cost in total When I try to talk to him about the extra costs he says he'll just stick it on the mortgage. Which will take money away from our everyday spending.

You aren't making your DS miss out. He was given a choice and he's chosen.

I love a holiday but if times are hard I choose a cheap holiday or sacrifice something else. I wouldn't be at all happy with him going behind my back to do things.

I'd tell him how much more per month his mortgage contributions will be after the renovations and see if that has more impact than trying to tell him the lump sum.

I'd be worrying, with his attitude to money, that he's not actually paying off the credit card and is only making minimum repayments tbh.

Overhaul54 · 06/04/2025 21:48

Motheranddaughter · 06/04/2025 19:59

You have no savings but are adding 60k to your mortgage?
That seems very odd to me
i don’t think the additional cost of holidaying abroad will make much difference in the grand scheme of things

Agree with this. I’d rather knock a few grand off renovations and have a decent holiday.
I would compromise on a type of holiday though. Interailing sounds expensive. I’d do flights and a Airbnb abroad so you can control costs better.

Mirabai · 06/04/2025 21:50

Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:32

Thanks for all the replies. My DS is still saying he won't ho without me so I really do feel I'm being backed into a corner because I do t want him to miss out because of me.

I suggested a city break but that was also rejected.

My DH has no idea how much the renovations are gong to cost in total When I try to talk to him about the extra costs he says he'll just stick it on the mortgage. Which will take money away from our everyday spending.

Which you can’t afford to take from your everyday spending as you don’t have sufficient as it is and you have no savings.

This renovation is madness.

valentinka31 · 06/04/2025 21:50

UK holiday cottages are really expensive as well.

I think if he's prepared to put it on his card and he really feels he needs it then it would be worse to attempt to stop it - which anyhow hasn't worked, as he's booked it. Do you really want to stay at home on your own while they all go off?

Embrace it. Go.

It so isn't worth risking your marriage for. And it is only a holiday and only money and it will get paid off.

Fancycheese · 06/04/2025 21:51

Exhaustedpenguin · 06/04/2025 21:32

Thanks for all the replies. My DS is still saying he won't ho without me so I really do feel I'm being backed into a corner because I do t want him to miss out because of me.

I suggested a city break but that was also rejected.

My DH has no idea how much the renovations are gong to cost in total When I try to talk to him about the extra costs he says he'll just stick it on the mortgage. Which will take money away from our everyday spending.

Does it not worry you that he seems to take no interest in the financial affairs of your family? He’s leaving you to be the adult and he just gets to go off and have fun all the time.

hettie · 06/04/2025 21:51

How long have you been together? You sound like you have different attitudes to money? In the long run seeing a really experienced couples therapist to work through this would be a really helpful thing I think.
In the shorter term, show him the very plentiful online budgeting tools for home renovations that advocate a 10-15% contingency. Also get him speaking to friends/colleagues/relatives that have done major renovations and ask them about budget Vs final cost.
If possible also get him to look at money saving expert and other financial advice sites that very clearly advise (for good reason) having 3 months minimum costs put aside as 'untouchable' savings (before spending on discretionary items like holidays) due to risk of illness/redundancy etc.
Listen to some economic podcasts, read the economist..... The future 3-5 years are not good. You need a buffer to weather the coming storm. The days of cheap credit and relying on property increases are long gone.... Talk to those who survived the ,80's and 90' s recessions and repossession's. Live well within your means because costs are only going up and jobs will become precarious....

BellissimoGecko · 06/04/2025 21:51

You pay for the family car, all home improvements and all the children’s costs? Wtf?

Poshfairy · 06/04/2025 21:52

As a child who grew up in poverty and never going on holiday. I would find a way to go and create those amazing memories. If he is happy to pay by a credit card and pay if off with no issues, let him. He seems confident to do this. You can't be that cash strapped if you can afford to do 60k of renovations.
Maybe use the child benefit as well.