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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

110 replies

TicklishCoralScroller · 06/04/2025 18:31

They’re close - talk regularly, meet up for drinks, share memes etc. He’s been upfront about the fact that they used to sleep together years ago but says they’ve moved past it and are “just friends.” I try not to be insecure but I can’t help feeling weird about it. If the roles were reversed, I think he’d be uncomfortable. AIBU to say it bothers me and ask him to dial things back?

OP posts:
ohyesido · 06/04/2025 18:33

How long have you been together?

Imsodepressediactlikeitsmybirthday · 06/04/2025 18:33

Nah, this shit wouldn’t fly with me.

Init4thecatz · 06/04/2025 18:36

Some would say that your partner has no right to dictate who you are friends with. I've seen this many times on MN when the roles were reversed.

I think this all depends on the person.

DenholmElliot11 · 06/04/2025 18:37

yes I couldn’t be arsed with that either.

Original poster
TicklishCoralScroller · 06/04/2025 18:38

ohyesido · 06/04/2025 18:33

How long have you been together?

We’ve been together for about a year. Things are good overall but this is the one thing that makes me feel a bit uneasy.

OP posts:
Imsodepressediactlikeitsmybirthday · 06/04/2025 18:40

Stop wasting your time. You can’t dictate to him, but you don’t feel comfortable with this and you never will (because it’s fucking weird), so cut your losses and find someone who isn’t besties with their ex fuckbuddy.

ohyesido · 06/04/2025 18:55

I would hate it but unfortunately you’ll be told that your jealous and insecure and that you should be her bestie and invite her to live with you

latetothefisting · 06/04/2025 18:57

Up to you
While I can see why you don't like it, there's a chance if you gave him an ultimatum he'd pick his best friend over someone he hasn't been dating that long...

Wildflowers99 · 06/04/2025 19:00

He fancies her and she’s friend zoned him.

Letmehaveabloodyusernameplease · 06/04/2025 19:02

Nope, I wouldn't be putting up with this at all.

Secretsquirels · 06/04/2025 19:03

Before you start doing ultimatums or thinking about leaving or asking him to dial back contact etc, why don't you start by getting to know her? I think that if you spend some time with her - especially if you do it without your partner there - you'll fairly soon work out if there is something there or not.

SpainToday · 06/04/2025 19:04

No, that wouldn’t work for me

Watermill · 06/04/2025 19:05

No. This wouldn’t work for me at all.

However, I don’t feel comfortable with telling him who he can be friends with. I think you are incompatible.

tastethestrongbow · 06/04/2025 19:07

I can see why you’d be uncomfortable but the friendship existed before your relationship so you don’t really stand a chance of winning this.

Assuming he was up front about her from the beginning, you have chosen to continue the relationship. If it doesn’t work for you and that’s absolutely ok then you should end it.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/04/2025 19:08

I can completely understand why this would make you feel uncomfortable. There’s nothing you can do about though so either end the relationship or accept it. If you stay with him the obvious thing to do is befriend her yourself.

guineapigsears · 06/04/2025 19:09

I dunno. I’m happily married and have been for years and years - 2 young DC, the lot.

Pre-DH I used to regularly have sex with my best friend. Sober, drunk.. you name it. Best sex of my life, he was the most attractive man I’d ever seen. We were all over each other.

Then we weren’t and it took a little bit of adjusting to, but now? Like a decade later? Nothing more than friends. I see him a few times a month, we speak every day. We are friends. We spend time together alone, we drink together regularly. My DH couldn’t care less, he likes him. My best friend even minds our cats for us when we go on holiday, and physically helped us move house (12 hours and the customary beer and pizza after.)

I really couldn’t care who has had sex with who, it just doesn’t infiltrate my thoughts. DH was no virgin when I met him, but hey.. he married me.

AlisounOfBath · 06/04/2025 19:10

This is a no from me. He will never give up the friendship and you will never feel secure in it, quite understandably. But I’m someone who doesn’t think men and women can be friends unless: the sexual orientation is opposed (eg lesbian and a heterosexual man); they have known each other since they were babies; they have a huge age difference.

Why would anyone be friends with someone they shagged, unless 20 years ago? “Darling? This is Jane who I saw orgasm repeatedly last year! And she knows my sex face too! Such fun!”

IReallyLoveItHere · 06/04/2025 19:11

I could well be the other woman here.

I'm still friends with him but have absolutely no Interest in sleeping with him. He was fun back then but was and is immature, too much angst and drama.

I have been in his life for 10 years, supported him through the loss of his dad and his cancer scare. Don't be surprised if he chooses me over you.

notwavingbutsinking · 06/04/2025 19:14

Friends - is in a shared sense of goodwill, pleased to have a catch up when with mutual friends, perhaps checking with each from time to time to share good news etc - fine. Healthy.

Best friends - absolutely fucking no way.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 06/04/2025 19:23

AlisounOfBath · 06/04/2025 19:10

This is a no from me. He will never give up the friendship and you will never feel secure in it, quite understandably. But I’m someone who doesn’t think men and women can be friends unless: the sexual orientation is opposed (eg lesbian and a heterosexual man); they have known each other since they were babies; they have a huge age difference.

Why would anyone be friends with someone they shagged, unless 20 years ago? “Darling? This is Jane who I saw orgasm repeatedly last year! And she knows my sex face too! Such fun!”

I find this so baffling. Why would I stop being friends with someone just because I've had sex with them? And how can you rule out any form of friendship with 50% of humans?

But I do think this is a fundamental compatibility thing. Neither of OP or her boyfriend are right or wrong, but I think it is something you have to see the same way.

CandidTurtle · 06/04/2025 19:27

IReallyLoveItHere · 06/04/2025 19:11

I could well be the other woman here.

I'm still friends with him but have absolutely no Interest in sleeping with him. He was fun back then but was and is immature, too much angst and drama.

I have been in his life for 10 years, supported him through the loss of his dad and his cancer scare. Don't be surprised if he chooses me over you.

Was your last sentence really necessary? Horrible comment.

gannett · 06/04/2025 19:30

AlisounOfBath · 06/04/2025 19:10

This is a no from me. He will never give up the friendship and you will never feel secure in it, quite understandably. But I’m someone who doesn’t think men and women can be friends unless: the sexual orientation is opposed (eg lesbian and a heterosexual man); they have known each other since they were babies; they have a huge age difference.

Why would anyone be friends with someone they shagged, unless 20 years ago? “Darling? This is Jane who I saw orgasm repeatedly last year! And she knows my sex face too! Such fun!”

Because often shagging someone entails liking their company and character, not just their face and body? And if you realise you're too incompatible (sexually, domestically, politically, lifestyle-wise) to be a couple, you don't stop enjoying their company? Staying friends with someone you had a brief, meaningless fling with is so commonplace to me.

Those exes are the least to fear for new partners. If there was a viable relationship there, it had all the opportunity to happen, and there's a reason it didn't.

(Also, thinking that men and women can't be friends is batshit even beyond that.)

sweetpickle2 · 06/04/2025 19:35

I’ve slept with a few people who I am still friends with (my DP knows). I don’t see the big deal myself- if we were going to be anything more it would have happened in the many years of opportunity we had before I met my DP.

However it’s an issue for you, so maybe you and he aren’t compatible.

Lovelynames123 · 06/04/2025 19:36

I think it depends when it was...in my uni friendship group a lot of us have done things with each other, 25 years ago! I'm pretty sure it doesn't affect any of the marriages (some are married to other people from uni who also did things with other people we know!)

Late teens/early twenties I think should be written off, more recent, serious liaisons might be worth a consider, but ultimately you either trust your partner or you don't

Wildflowers99 · 06/04/2025 19:41

CandidTurtle · 06/04/2025 19:27

Was your last sentence really necessary? Horrible comment.

Show quote history

Agree, quite pathetic. Never mind OP’s boyfriend, where is hers?