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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

110 replies

TicklishCoralScroller · 06/04/2025 18:31

They’re close - talk regularly, meet up for drinks, share memes etc. He’s been upfront about the fact that they used to sleep together years ago but says they’ve moved past it and are “just friends.” I try not to be insecure but I can’t help feeling weird about it. If the roles were reversed, I think he’d be uncomfortable. AIBU to say it bothers me and ask him to dial things back?

OP posts:

JHound · 07/04/2025 13:31

5128gap · 07/04/2025 12:16

I don't. I was responding to a general point about people staying friends with exes and why it is not necessarily 'safe' because if they had wanted a relationship they'd have had one. The point being is takes two to want a relationship and its entirely possible OPs bf did and does, and the woman didn't so he's hanging on in hope. Of course, it's entirely possible not. The only certainty is the OP doesn't know either way, so in her shoes I'd not be chancing it, given most men do not have women they used to sleep with as their 'best friend'.

Show quote history

You’ve just done it again. You referred to them as “exes” but all they did was have sex sometimes in the past. Nothing suggests they were together more than that

JHound · 07/04/2025 13:33

Didimum · 07/04/2025 12:15

As I said – staying friendly: fine. Being every day besties, texting daily and meeting up for drinks/lunch/dinner frequently, being described as 'close': wholly unnecessary, and completely understandable in how it would make your partner feel uncomfortable.

OP can't dictate what he does, but she can explain how she feels and her boundaries – what happens next is his choice entirely.

Show quote history

I agree. She can simply voice her discomfort with one his friendships and he can decide of he is comfortable with cutting off friendships for a partner.

It doesn’t make her bad for asking and would not make him “not a good partner” if he declined to do so either.

Just incompatible.

datinghelp · 07/04/2025 13:39

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 07/04/2025 10:22

I'd also ask yourself why you are raising this now after you've been together for a year.

Exactly this you said he was upfront from the start why now a year in is it bothering you ?

maybe that’s what you need to address rather than who he is friends with.

Chatonette · 07/04/2025 13:40

Didimum · 07/04/2025 12:15

OP can't dictate what he does, but she can explain how she feels and her boundaries – what happens next is his choice entirely.

Show quote history

Agreed. Confiding on each other, sending daily texts, going out for drinks / meals…this is basically “dating,” no?

Didimum · 07/04/2025 13:45

Chatonette · 07/04/2025 13:40

Agreed. Confiding on each other, sending daily texts, going out for drinks / meals…this is basically “dating,” no?

Show quote history

Yep, dating a woman you slept with while also dating another woman you currently sleep with. I highly doubt that men that have this type of arrangement behave the same with their male friends.

stilll · 07/04/2025 13:46

I’d have expected their relationship to naturally scale back as your relationship progressed. If it hasn’t then I think I’d be walking away at the point as you’re uncomfortable and incompatible.

StopStartStop · 07/04/2025 14:07

It's not one size fits all and if you really think it is, it comes across as a bit thick.
'A bit thick' as in 'a poor argument' or 'a bit thick as in 'not very clever'? If it's the latter I refer you to MENSA and my IQ score of 156.

That aside, it's simply a matter of experience. Women and men aren't 'friends', they are some kind of sexual partners. Including those who never get round to sex. OP's partner has a previous partner still onside. That relationship is ongoing, even if he isn't dipping his wick at the moment.

5128gap · 07/04/2025 14:14

JHound · 07/04/2025 13:31

You’ve just done it again. You referred to them as “exes” but all they did was have sex sometimes in the past. Nothing suggests they were together more than that

Show quote history

I referred to exes because I was talking to the other poster in general terms about exes. I wasn't defining this particular woman as the OPs bf ex. Its not up to me or you to decide whether he classifies her as an ex or not, is it? The semantics are largely irrelevant. We have two people who used to be best friends who had sex and now are best friends who don't have sex. The OP isn't happy being in a relationship with this situation in the background. She's a year in, it's unlikely to change, so, call it what you will, she's probably best cutting her losses and moving on to someone who doesn't have this situation. Unless there's a sudden shortage of men, we dont need to engage in linguistic pedantry to persuade her to put up with it to keep this one.

Iwannakeepondancing · 07/04/2025 14:20

Nope I’d hate it!

BoredZelda · 07/04/2025 21:38

Mydahliasareshit · 06/04/2025 20:17

Some women just like keeping old lovers in their social 'rotation'. Hard rains are gonna fall etc... good for backup.

But usually only if the guy is still into them. Power is heady. Rarely if he was an arsehole or hurt her.

Yeah, I wonder why women wouldn’t remain friends with someone who was an arsehole to her. 🙄

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