To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

[TicklishCoralScroller]

They’re close - talk regularly, meet up for drinks, share memes etc. He’s been upfront about the fact that they used to sleep together years ago but says they’ve moved past it and are “just friends.” I try not to be insecure but I can’t help feeling weird about it. If the roles were reversed, I think he’d be uncomfortable. AIBU to say it bothers me and ask him to dial things back?

Same here, was at it for years on and off - have helped each other through some rough tines - wouldn't do it now for a million quid - since l met dh actually. Still mates though. Would hate for dh to say l can't be mates with him.

I wouldn’t like it either. Follow your instincts.

If this was the other way round and a woman posted to say their male partner wanted them to end their friendship with a male best mate everyone would be going mental about how he is controlling etc etc. Anyone who would be happy to make the person they 'love' lose a best friend does not deserve that person. It makes you look incredibly insecure and needy. She was around way before you were so I'd tread carefully. Relationships don't always last but friendships usually do.

Just walk away.
This is clearly an unfinished business of his. It will destroy all your confidence, if you accept to become the third wheel.
Do not ask him to stop contact with her. It is just the first chip on your self image.
Just leave him. And block him.
He wants to play two women against each other. That is what makes him happy. Watching you beg for his attention, beg to be the favourite.

You can't control him

Duplicate post

I've been betrayed in a "she's just a friend" situation before, so it's a no from me.

I am good friends with my ex. Great sex, good company but too dramatic and immature to have a relationship with - was always casual. Had a period of not talking for 6 months then we bumped into each other and never stoped chatting.

my DP knows he is fine with it and will chat to him about football but are different people so would not be natural friends, but gets on because of me.

You either trust him or don't. If you don't, then it would be best for everyone to not move further with the relationship.

i could be that friend, I have a best friend that I briefly dated. We didn’t work as a couple for reasons but got on so well that we remained friends and overtime got closer.
We message pretty regularly, meet up when we can etc.

I would happily meet any of his future partners and would introduce him to mine.

if your uncomfortable with it then ask to meet her or tag along. Judge the vibe for yourself. I would also ask why things didn’t work with them, did they date, was it a relationship, how long did they sleep together for?

I don’t think either opinion is wrong but it’s about compatibility and trust. you can ask him to cut back etc but that could be seen as controlling or dictating who he can be friends with. I would possibly cut back on one on one time but for messaging etc then no. I would also happily share the messages with my partner and bring them along.

if he’s hiding things or refusing to let you both meet then I would worry that he’s hiding something. But unless you speak to him and explain how you feel and get his reaction you’ll never know.

Nope. I'd be out of there.

And me.

There is value in staying friends with a friend.

Not at the expense of your partner.

It wouldn't be at the expense of a rational, non-jealous partner.

I've found great value in staying friends with a couple of men I've slept with casually (as have most people I know). They were never going to go anywhere long-term for 100 different reasons but they're both great people. The more good people in your life the better.

DP has never had even a hint of an issue with them which is why he's DP. If he'd "felt uncomfortable" about it I would have absolutely binned him off due to irrational, jealous and controlling characteristics that I didn't want in a partner. I don't believe in pandering to men who are led by territorial nonsense.

Oh, right. They're 'friends'.

And the minute they feel like shagging, they will. Because they've done it before. What difference will it make?

Either he finished with her or he didn't. Clearly, he didn't.

Walk away.

I've been close friends with an ex - he was a lovely guy, we just couldn't make it work as a couple. I'd have gone mad if my bf at the time had said I wasn't 'allowed' to see him because of HIS insecurities.

I always think trust someone until they show you they can't be trusted - and you could be cheated on anytime with anyone. You either trust your bf or you don't. And if you don't, finish with him. It's not worth the misery for either of you.

I'm quite laid back and am good friends with lots of exes but I'd never be this blasè and call them "the best sex I've ever had." It's so dismissive of your current partner!

The reason this position (throughout the whole thread) comes across as irrational and a bit unhinged is because it's so rigid and certain. Every situation like this is, in this poster's eyes, identical, so she thinks she knows exactly what's going on every single time someone doesn't go NC with an ex. Which is batshit when you think about it because every former fling, every former relationship and all the people involved is a specific set of circumstances. It's not one size fits all and if you really think it is, it comes across as a bit thick.

It’s nothing to do with being rational and non-jealous. It’s knowing that a decent man would not do this to his partner in the first place. Stay on friendly terms - fine. Everyday besties - no.

Women are utterly blindsided by cheating partners and husbands everyday - partners and husbands they trusted more than anyone in the world. Calling a woman irrational and jealous about being wary to this is gaslighting in one of its finest examples.

Please don’t start dictating or restricting who your bf can be friends with; friends from before you even got together!
Either accept it or split up. Dont be one of those jealous, controlling types. It’s very undignified and unattractive.

Me too.

I'm in the "friendly - fine, best friends - no" camp.

People say why can't women and men be friends without fancying each other. Well, in this case, you already know they find each other attractive!

I considered it irrational and jealous if a man had issues with my being friends with exes, or with male friends generally. I don't think it's any different or any more understandable if a woman thinks like that.

Being blindsided by a cheating partner is just one of those risks you take in getting into a relationship; it's not gender specific and it doesn't have anything to do with someone being friends with exes or having opposite-sex friends. That's why this hardline "never be friends with an ex" stance is irrational.

The actual blanket rule is that you don't get to have a say in your partner's friends. You don't get to say they can be friendly with someone, but not everyday besties. If you're uncomfortable with a dynamic you get to bow out, but no man who thought he was entitled to a single opinion on who I socialised with or how I socialised with them would have ever become my partner.

You don’t get to apply blanket rules to ‘people’. No one is asking YOU to suddenly not be OK with it, but you don’t get to tell another woman to be OK with it otherwise she’s jealous and irrational.

Neither is it irrational or jealous if your previous partners were uncomfortable with you being besties with exes. It’s their marker of whether you were a decent partner for them or not.

It’s absolutely a risk you run in every relationship. And that risk has to be balanced on if someone respects your feelings or not.

This is a you problem. He’s been honest with you and upfront on the relationship, you had a chance to say you don’t like it and walk away. You can be upset or uncomfortable about it that is understandable but you can’t tell him he can’t be friends with someone.