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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won't put me on deeds !!

136 replies

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 18:24

Hi, my ex partner and i have been seeing each other for a couple of months to see if we can rescue our long term relationship (25 years)...he asked me to go back a few months ago and he said he'd put me on the deeds of the house..but after talking to him today he said he wanted to see where the relationship went before moving forward with that!!
This causes a massive problem for me because I think he doesn't see me has his equal...after everything I've put into the property I think I deserve something...am I being unreasonable? I can't see a way forward tbh if we can't get past this...

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 05/04/2025 21:16

You don’t babysit your own children. He supported you and your children throughout the time you were raising children which is all he owed you, and then you left.

Why would he ‘help you financially’ when the relationship is this unstable and it would mean risking his and his child’s home?

spicemaiden · 05/04/2025 21:18

OP are your children his children too? Or did you literally babysit his children?

Poppyseeds79 · 05/04/2025 21:29

The ship has long sailed. Also you're talking about why won't he help you out financially? Presumably because he's not daft enough to put someone on the deeds whose itching to sell it from underneath him.

Original poster
Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:33

@spicemaiden No they're our children, he has no other children.

OP posts:
YourAzureEagle · 05/04/2025 21:37

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:05

@FondantFancyFan I didn't realise you could do that !! Thank you 😊

You can't, as I read it you are not presently residing there, and are therefore not cohabiting, so cannot get a restriction, alas.

Indeed under section 77 of the legislation your ex could claim against you for any legal fees incurred by such a restriction if placed without reasonable cause.

This prevents every unpaid dodgy builder putting restrictions on their clients homes.

Original poster
Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:40

@Poppyseeds79 I'm not itching to sell it at all , my son lives there and he has asperger's so selling up isn't an option tbh...I just wanted my name on the deeds so if anything happened to my ex then my son wouldn't have any legal problems to sort.

OP posts:
Gremlins101 · 05/04/2025 21:40

It sounds so cruel what this man has done to you. I'm so sorry OP.

You were his life partner. You raised both your kids and took a financial hit because of it. I'm in that situation now (the kids are small). If my husband let me leave with nothing in 20 odd years, I think I'd murder him......

You deserve half the house ffs!

I am interested to know what your adult kids think of their mother struggling with rent while their father keeps the house.

spicemaiden · 05/04/2025 21:44

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:33

@spicemaiden No they're our children, he has no other children.

So you are not married?

You’ve been taken for a ride and it sounds like your children’s father is also more than happy to screw over your children too.

im sorry.

m if you’ve already had legal advice follow it

You probably don’t have much of a leg to stand on.

Semiramide · 05/04/2025 21:44

Some of the comments here are very passive-aggressive and/or nasty. Yes, the OP has been naive and too trusting, but that's no reason to kick while she's down.

@Stockgirl - you sacrificed a lot for this man, and you deserve some form of recognition, but sadly this is not going to happen. The best you can do is dust yourself down and focus on your future without him. I hope you'll find the strength to live your best life!

AffableApple · 05/04/2025 21:48

Your ex partner won't put you on the deeds. He's not your partner. He's dangling the possibility of something he never did for you while you were together, whilst also dangling his penis. He's keenly giving you the latter and he's never giving you the former. You had a fairly traditional set up for a marriage by the look of things. You were a lower earner, took on the majority of childcare, and contributed to bills. But you never got married so you weren't legally protected. I'm sorry, OP - you can try going after him for the cost of the improvements - but he may also go after you for rent? You'll get nothing out of this financially, and you're getting nothing good from this man. Kindly, move on sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:48

@Gremlins101 The eldest has his own family now and he tries to stay impartial tbh...he did support me when I left though., the younger boy has aspergers.. he's not very emphatic, he doesn't like change at all so struggled when I first left.

OP posts:
Hoardasauruskaren · 05/04/2025 21:55

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP! You were a partnership raising a family together. You worked PT taking a hit on your career prospects pension etc while doing the bulk of the child rearing & probably most household chores too. But have no claim on your family home! Awful position to end up in.
DH & I bought a house together as an unmarried couple couple, no way would I have let him
buy the house in his name alone! How did that come about ? When you were still together did he name you in his will to inherit the house? What would have happened to you & DC if he had died?

Original poster
Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 22:04

@Hoardasauruskaren Yes you're exactly right !! I just thought I was being a good parent being there for my children not really thinking of my long term plans has such.
The reason he says he didn't put me on the mortgage was because it was to much paperwork at the time...I was heavily pregnant so didn't argue about it.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 05/04/2025 22:05

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:40

@Poppyseeds79 I'm not itching to sell it at all , my son lives there and he has asperger's so selling up isn't an option tbh...I just wanted my name on the deeds so if anything happened to my ex then my son wouldn't have any legal problems to sort.

Has he not left the house to your kids in his will?

Original poster
Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 22:06

@Hoardasauruskaren He has no will hence why I'm trying to get him to put me on the deeds..I was on his life insurance but probably not anymore.

OP posts:
Em1ly2023 · 05/04/2025 23:02

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2025 21:09

You don’t “babysit” your own children. It’s just parenting.

He’s not giving you any of his house.

Show quote history

Yes, but I think she means that she was looking after the children which enabled him to continue earning…

YourAzureEagle · 05/04/2025 23:35

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 22:06

@Hoardasauruskaren He has no will hence why I'm trying to get him to put me on the deeds..I was on his life insurance but probably not anymore.

Intestacy rules would still work in the children's favour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2025 23:36

Gremlins101 · 05/04/2025 21:40

It sounds so cruel what this man has done to you. I'm so sorry OP.

You were his life partner. You raised both your kids and took a financial hit because of it. I'm in that situation now (the kids are small). If my husband let me leave with nothing in 20 odd years, I think I'd murder him......

You deserve half the house ffs!

I am interested to know what your adult kids think of their mother struggling with rent while their father keeps the house.

The difference is that you’re married. “Life partner” doesn’t mean anything official. You don’t agree to merge your worldly goods or accept responsibility for the other person when you cohabit or even share children. Someone gets up one day and leaves, as OP did, and the emotional tie is severed but there’s nothing official to end.

CaptainFuture · 05/04/2025 23:45

I honestly don't get the MN....'I was happily a SAHM for 25 years... never had an employed job... clearly I've been stopped from having a £160k Fortune 500 job/rocket scientist/brain surgeon even though I have no appropriate qualifications/experience... so I must be entitled to spousal support ro make up for my career torpedo'!!

PumpkinPieAlibi · 05/04/2025 23:51

CaptainFuture · 05/04/2025 23:45

I honestly don't get the MN....'I was happily a SAHM for 25 years... never had an employed job... clearly I've been stopped from having a £160k Fortune 500 job/rocket scientist/brain surgeon even though I have no appropriate qualifications/experience... so I must be entitled to spousal support ro make up for my career torpedo'!!

100% agreed.

Yes many women reduce their hours or become SAHMs but let's be honest - many of them didn't give up stellar careers or had high-earning jobs anyway. Many women want to stay at home because they don't love working (I get it - who does?) but then when it doesn't work out, act like they gave up an executive career because they were forced to raise their own kids.

This is why I will always believe women need to have their own income or job, married or not. You cannot fully trust or depend on anyone but yourself, no matter how much you love them or vice versa.

Snapncrackle · 06/04/2025 00:01

He would be an absolute idiot to marry you or put you on the deeds right now

just like you were an idiot to invest into a house you have no legal interest in

you could take him to court but as your solicitor advised you it will cost you an awful lot and you probably won’t win

and why do you want to go back with someone you don’t love and don’t want to have sex with

HeySnoodie · 06/04/2025 00:06

You’ve been taken for a mug. Should have been on the deeds when the kids came along

HeySnoodie · 06/04/2025 00:07

Or should have bought your own house 25 years ago while living with him

SCWS · 06/04/2025 00:18

Itisjustmyopinion · 05/04/2025 18:30

If I was in your partner’s shoes I wouldn’t be putting you on the deeds just yet either

You have only been back together a few months after a break up. How do either of you know it’s going to work long term?

He has to protect himself as much as you want to be in the deeds to have security. That is something you do when you are both absolutely sure this is a long term thing

This is my view too. Just no, I would protect my asset. Different if married of course, but I am of the (probably outdated) opinion that marriage is more commitment than just living together. I “just lived” with my now husband for 11 years so I have seen both sides and it did feel different after getting married.

SCWS · 06/04/2025 00:25

Stockgirl · 05/04/2025 21:05

@FondantFancyFan I didn't realise you could do that !! Thank you 😊

Er… you don’t just automatically get something.

You still have to prove it - likely in court.