Partner, adult daughter and wedding

[Macaroni46]

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

@Macaroni46 I don't think she is blaming you for your poor relationship with her because you are her dad's partner, it's because you called her names. It will be pretty much impossible for her to forgive that and she has no reason to make an effort as you are not an integrated part of her life even if you are seeing her dad. It sounds like she is still upset that her dad left her mum and she has some resentment from that and now he has met someone new and that woman called her mean things. From an outsiders perspective it's not particularly hard to see that this isn't going to end up being a harmonious relationship.

can you arrange to face time her?

I appreciate you would like to apologise, and that's nice. The fact that you haven't yet probably makes her feel uneasy about how you feel towards her. She will either accept it, or reject it but it's out of your control.

I think its a lesson to stay out of others battles. In reality their relationship has nothing to do with you. You will never understand the dynamic so you need to let it go. Involving yourself leads to a bad reaction from both parties. In future, I wouldn't comment on her behaviour ever. It's up to them to sort out.

Would she want to go? 🤔

This!

I think you really need to address the issue with him. Not necessarily confrontationally but curiously.

Can you tell me why you put me on speakerphone to complain about her?

What is your plan for easing the tension and thawing the coldness between us (OP and DD).

If no plan and no capacity to make one:what is his dream for how things will resolve?

How does the wedding fit in to this dream/plan?

I think these questions will give you some insight into how he fantasizes going forward. He seems a bit of a plankton person—drifts with the current—and he is probably just hoping it all blows over. He could even be right. But from your perspective he could be wrong. I would want to be clear with him that he is going to need to act to protect both relationships as they are (needlessly) being brought into conflict.

This is excellent advice, thank you!

This.

Also the daughter sounds like a brat and I would find it tiring dating her parent.

This is great advice!

I think this is going to be hard to recover, given that you've not apologised for calling her names and it's been over a year. It's difficult to see how that could be resolved now. I agree with PPs that there is something a bit fishy about that whole scenario though, where he is moaning to you about his DD and almost inviting you to comment, all the while knowing she is listening. I think it's really inappropriate for a boyfriend/girlfriend of a couple of years to be passing judgement like that on a parent/child relationship and especially calling names, so it's strange that he would tolerate this, let alone encourage it, let alone encourage it within earshot of his daughter. I don't know many parents who would be happy about a relatively new girlfriend making personal criticisms of their kids or weighing in on their parent/child relationship like that.

Your partner is clearly happy enough with his relationship with his daughter and with his parenting style, otherwise he would change it. He obviously dotes on her. Whether you or any of us agree with his approach is irrelevant really. Their relationship is on their terms and your choice is whether or not to be his partner on that basis. It sounds like both you and his DD are seeing yourselves as being in competition with the other, which never ends well.

"... most important person in his life forever"

That's not necessarily true. My daughter and I parted company years ago. It broke my heart for quite awhile, but like everything else, you move on. Frankly, I was tired of all of us walking on eggshells with her, and her me-me attitude toward our family just got old. I still have my wonderful memories of when she was delightful, and I cling to them, but the rest... I let go along with her, and found peace.

This is tricky.

If it were me, I would apologize to the daughter for hurting her feelings. Whether or not you apologize to her for calling her spoiled is your choice. Personally, if I hurt a pigeon's feelings when I called it a pigeon I would apologize for hurting it's feeling and then gently explain to it that it is, in fact, still a pigeon regardless of it's feelings.

If I were you, I wouldn't get involved with their relationship because honestly it's not your business (and I say that gently), that's something between them. If he wants to spoil her then that's on him, how she turns out is his responsibility and if he wants to teach her that this is the way you act in life, that's his failure.

I think maybe you should consider whether or not you want to continue having a relationship with a man who has this kind of family dynamic going on. If it doesn't bother you, then okay, but if his family dynamic with his daughter is interfering with your relationship to the point where it's untenable, then have a conversation with him about it and explain that too him. He might be willing to change some things for you or he might not, and if he's not then maybe he's not the man for you.

My best friends parents broke up when she was a teenager and as her mum had an affair and broke up the marriage, she hugely overcompensated to “win her back” and still does into our 30s.

If her new husband wanted to speak privately to my friends mum and say she had a very different parenting style to her and that my friend was therefore spoilt, then that’s one of those things. But he’d never be entitled to say it to my friend. While I understand you accidentally said it in front of her unknowingly, you need to sort of get a grip on your view of how he treats his daughter if it doesn’t impact and just annoys you as a parenting style. It’s historic behaviour by him and his ex wife that isn’t going to change - get used to it or move on. In a few years, she’ll meet a partner and he’ll surely step in and your partner will have to refocus on you. I say all this as someone that’s been financially independent since 19, but I’m surrounded by my sister, cousins and (as above) close friends getting very “middle class” hand outs until well into their 30s. It’s what some people do. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, on a side note, have you ever thought you saying how spoilt she is (I know, accidentally in front of her) is a huge kick in the teeth when she’s confided in you about quite personal things? You need to not get pulled into your partners dealings with his daughter going forward and keep your opinions private as it’s not going to change and just create tension and hurt, even if valid opinions.

Eh, you did this to yourself. Your examples prove there is more to the story between you and her I see his daughter's point of view. I think as a father, he is making the best decision by choosing her as his plus one. You're overreacting for how you've treated her without apology or sitting down with her and communicating.

If you don't like it, it's only been 3 years... you can always find someone who will put you before his children. It's super common. You just happened to find one of the few men who chooses his children over his bed.

I understand your desire to apologize in person but with the generational gap I think a texted apology would be appropriate and appreciated. Tell her that you wanted to talk to her in person but understand that what you said hurt her a lot so you're reaching out this way. Tell her that you are sorry that you called her spoiled, that you were feeling protective of her dad when he called but that doesn't excuse the rudeness of the comment. Tell her that you think she's a very sweet young woman and you miss when the two of you were on good terms. I don't know if the two of you used to joke about her dad but if you did then insert a snarky comment poking fun of the way he does things - something you may have commiserated about in the past. Maybe make a self-deprecating joke about the year long delay on the apology and your age gap if it feels appropriate for your humor.

I agree with the others that its your partner that is the issue more than her because he doesn't set boundaries and isn't honest with her. It's not practical to expect her to act more mature when he continues to baby her. Definitely re-evaluate the relationship because he should not have called you to complain about her within her hearing, he should have warned you that you were on speaker and he should have facilitated a conversation/advocated on your behalf.

God save us from dads who don't want their little girls to grow up 🙄 lol

Well if you called her out for acting like a spoiled brat then I don't think any apology is needed...don't join him in pandering to her.

I personally would be calling time on this relationship, if it's not this then it will be something else

The position that you're in, hit a nerve with me. My six year relationship with my partner has always been with his daughter (17) treated like a perfect princess. He has an older son treated differently. Partner has brushed teeth with her at sink (14), driven two hours then back on a week night, to her house as she was on her own (16), been there every other weekend as she doesn't want to come to my house. Disallowed me seeing them, his parents and siblings for a year after argument with my 20 year old. Currently planning holiday for himself, both his kids with their bf,gf, and asking his daughter if okay for me to go. I won't be going on principle BTW. I've bitten my tongue very many times, as it's okay for a parent to be peed off with their own, but never okay to give an opinion, or be judgemental of their children. The words stick. He'll forever be stuck in the middle. She'll always be jealous of you. He needs to explain to her that you're important to him. You need to offer an olive branch. Invite her for a coffee. Consider if more comfortable with her father there. As far as the invite goes, it's not a substitute for Christmas. He should take you, as you're a couple. That's it. Weird to go with daughter. You're either seen as part of family, or you're not!