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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner, adult daughter and wedding

142 replies

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 12:39

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

OP posts:
Streaaa · 06/04/2025 08:46

Well now you know.
You are a useful toy to him.
A listening ear while he whines about things.
He caused this upset between you and now he has the two of you in competition with each other.
What a ego boost for him.
She is 21 and maybe a bit thoughtless.
You are obviously a lot older and need to up your standards.
We teach people how to treat us, yet you are accepting poor treatment from him.

Time to decide what you want from a relationship.

Don't be a convenient therapist toy for any man.

Isthisreasonable · 06/04/2025 08:46

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/04/2025 13:54

This schism in your relationship with his daughter is entirely his fault. He put you on speakerphone because he is sick of her attitude but doesn’t have the balls to call it what it is - spoilt and entitled - but knew you’d probably name it for him, and you did.

He made sure she’d be within earshot and didn’t give a shit about the impact of that on your relationship with her, or any thought to the future implications of a falling out - which is why you’re all now having to deal with this stupid nonsense.

It’s all on him - a weak, spineless man who’d rather throw a bomb into the relationship between the two most important women in his life, than actually use his words and be a bloody parent for once.

He sounds pathetic and a bit of a dick, quite honestly. No wonder his sisters are happy he’s with you. Maybe ditch him and keep in touch with them?

Edited
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This 💯

Greenfinch7 · 06/04/2025 08:46

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/04/2025 23:09

You should have called her and apologised to her when she overheard you making those comments. That's extremely hurtful. Being the older one, I'm surprised you didn't. A year has gone by and you have made no effort to make amends. You should be the bigger person.

I agree with this. I would feel terrible and not be able to rest until I had sorted things out with her. I would write her a long and very thoughtful snail mail letter, explaining everything, starting with how much I like her and care for her, and including thoughts on why her dad did what he did.

Piffle11 · 06/04/2025 08:50

She then shouted at him and called him useless. Which is why he got upset and called me.

Does he do this often, OP? Because the problem with this is that you remember all these times that he’s upset because of what she has said m/done, but he won’t. So your opinion of her will start to be skewed toward believing she is entitled, spoiled, etc …. And to him, she’s his amazing daughter and the bad stuff is forgotten about. and that’s never going to change.

BlueMum16 · 06/04/2025 08:51

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:55

So why are his siblings bringing their partners and not their children? She will be the only one there of her generation, other than the bride and her brother.
I’m making a fuss because I feel disrespected by him, that he’s not treating me as a partner, more of toy to be played with when it suits.

Show quote history

Do you live with DP?

What did the invite say?

If you are not living together and it's a plus one invite I wouldn't go. If you are living together then I think he should ask you first.

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 08:54

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 14:11

I haven’t apologised for the comment as I haven’t seen her since she overheard - which is over a year ago now. I feel it’s not an appropriate thing to do over text plus there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to apologise - I stand by what I said: her behaviour was spoilt on that occasion. Interestingly, on subsequent trips away with his daughter, she’s been far more proactive and involved! So maybe she recognises at some level that what I said was true.

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So he got you on speakerphone in front of her, gets you to do the parenting he is too pathetic to do, and so his daughter is nicer to him and he punishes you for it by deprioritising you as his partner. Wow. Thats some selfish fuckery.

AprilShowers25 · 06/04/2025 10:33

I agree it’s inappropriate for him to take his DD when other cousins are not invited, it could cause a lot of bad feeling and awkwardness with the rest of his family at the wedding. That’s not your problem though, let him crack on.

The big issue is how his relationship with his daughter will affect you in future, I think it would probably be over for me.

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:24

You sound like an unbearable brat tbh!
Falling asleep in car and expecting the driver to navigate is pretty normal tbh and not spoilt behaviour at all.
You don't like sharing your DP with his daughter do you?
If my partners kids said they weren't going to family function if I went - I wouldn't go.

Botanybaby · 06/04/2025 13:26

Your hubby needs to cut his bratty bitch or a daughter off or she will never change

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:30

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:55

So why are his siblings bringing their partners and not their children? She will be the only one there of her generation, other than the bride and her brother.
I’m making a fuss because I feel disrespected by him, that he’s not treating me as a partner, more of toy to be played with when it suits.

Show quote history

His siblings partners probably don't make them choose between their children or them!
You partner is being the perfect parent as soon as you've made it me or her, he's quite rightly chosen his daughter!

KmcK87 · 06/04/2025 13:31

Nn9011 · 05/04/2025 18:48

Because it's her family that's getting married not yours? It's seems very entitled. You're also creating a situation where you are making him choose between the two of you which never ends well for anyone

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And if her family wanted her there she would have had her own invite. She doesn’t, they will more than likely be expecting OP to be the plus 1 rather than the daughter. It’s really not entitled to expect to be your partners plus 1

Snoken · 06/04/2025 13:44

I don't think I could forgive someone calling my child a spoilt madam and I definitely couldn't forgive one of my parents partners calling me that. I'm surprised that the boyfriend seems to not have a problem with it.

He should be on his DDs side and not bitch about her to you. I can only imagine that there has been a lot of friction between them when she was growing up and that is the cause of her calling him useless but you are obviously only hearing your boyfriends side of the story. It just screams resentment from her side.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 06/04/2025 14:00

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:30

His siblings partners probably don't make them choose between their children or them!
You partner is being the perfect parent as soon as you've made it me or her, he's quite rightly chosen his daughter!

Show quote history

How did I make it me or her? I presumed he was taking me as his plus one. I didn’t say, I won’t go if she goes or anything like that.
And his siblings are choosing their partners and not bringing their children. I expect my partner to do the same in this situation.

OP posts:
JillMW · 06/04/2025 14:02

I wonder if he is thinking of breaking up with you. Not many men would be happy about a partner criticising the way they brought their child up and extolling the virtues of their own darling children.

Frugalgal · 06/04/2025 14:25

He sounds a bit pathetic, ringing you up to complain about her instead of dealing with her like a parent, and on speakerphone in her hearing to boot, where anything supportive you said to him would have annoyed her.

She sounds like an insufferable brat who will continue in that vein in her adulthood.

If I were you I would offer an olive branch and a reset, which, if she is too spoilt to accept, I would then consider whether I wanted to continue the relationship with her father

jeaux90 · 06/04/2025 14:37

You have played this wrong OP. Instead of whining about her behaviour you should be blaming his. He has created this and he has to learn to resolve it. I’d expect my partner to challenge me on my parenting rather than an adolescent that is a product of it.

he needs to sort this shit out.

paddlinglikecrazy · 06/04/2025 17:34

The posters saying he should take her as his plus one because it’s her side of the family are confusing me. She’s an adult, if I wanted to invite an adult to my event I would invite them, not their parent who has a partner.
If I got an invite for a plus one I’d take my partner not my kid.

CommonAsMucklowe · 06/04/2025 19:31

I left my partner because he had twin daughters that were just like this. I ended up hating them and couldn't bear to be in the same house as them. I waited 12 years until I made the best decision ever.

PracticalLady · 06/04/2025 19:59

Sounds like he set you up having you on speakerphone when he was whinging about his daughter. Of course you were going to take his side. Sadly it sounds like he is always going to put his daughter first OP. Take it from someone who knows, as his partner it won't ever be easy to live with.

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 23:04

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:30

His siblings partners probably don't make them choose between their children or them!
You partner is being the perfect parent as soon as you've made it me or her, he's quite rightly chosen his daughter!

Show quote history

What rubbish. His siblings children weren’t too entitled to realise they aren’t invited. The bride and groom will probably be miffed, and if the other family members are sensible they will judge. ‘Oh god of course x is coming instead of op, she will be old and dead before she discovers the word no’ but if the cousins are not sensible they will gripe - how come x got to go and you said I wasn’t inviiiited. Taking her is trouble through and through.

HelenWheels · 07/04/2025 08:57

seems a strange wedding
the bride and groom only inviting their parent's generation, but i guess numbers are cut back, presumably they are inviting their own friends
it doesnt bode well that you have had a fall out
you need to extend an olive branch

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 07/04/2025 13:26

To those saying I should reach out, any suggestions?
The DD is studying in a different country so I can’t just drop by.
I feel text would be inappropriate.
Whenever her dad has tried to get us all together when she’s home for the holidays , she has made an excuse not to come (which I understand) and after a few tries, she told him she wants to only spend time with him. Or, time with him and her mum together as a family unit despite her parents not being together anymore.
I sent her a really lovely birthday message which she responded positively to.
I got her a Christmas present which my DP passed onto her. She didn’t acknowledge it but fair enough, she’s hurt.
I feel I’d like to talk to her in person but am not sure how I can facilitate that as even the family home which is where she’ll be over the summer, is quite a distance away. However, I would meet her at a coffee shop or similar near there if she agreed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 07/04/2025 13:32

HelenWheels · 07/04/2025 08:57

seems a strange wedding
the bride and groom only inviting their parent's generation, but i guess numbers are cut back, presumably they are inviting their own friends
it doesnt bode well that you have had a fall out
you need to extend an olive branch

There are 9 cousins on the bride’s mum’s side (my DP is her brother) all with partners and most of those have 2, 3 or even 4 children so maybe that put the numbers too high.
Or maybe, the cousins have been invited separately and I’m not aware of it, in which case I’ve got an even bigger DP problem as I think in that instance I really should be his plus one.

OP posts:
KmcK87 · 07/04/2025 13:36

Going to be honest OP I don’t think there’s any saving your relationship with her at this point. If your husband chooses to take her over you she’ll just continue to drive the wedge she clearly wants between you. Is your partner spending time with her with her mum too?
You need to make some serious decisions here

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 07/04/2025 13:48

KmcK87 · 07/04/2025 13:36

Going to be honest OP I don’t think there’s any saving your relationship with her at this point. If your husband chooses to take her over you she’ll just continue to drive the wedge she clearly wants between you. Is your partner spending time with her with her mum too?
You need to make some serious decisions here

Thank you for replying. He’s my partner and we don’t live together. They do the occasional thing together like hosting her 21st birthday but other than that, no, he doesn’t do stuff with his ex-wife.
We had a few months where we weren’t together and his DD expressed hopes that her parents could reconcile. She has told him she resents the sale of the family home because it has disrupted her life (again, I can empathise having been through that myself both as a teenager and when my marriage broke up). When I was first introduced to her, she was pleased that her dad was happy as she said he’d been miserable previously. Now that the relationship with her own DM has improved (there was a time when she didn’t talk to her mum), she has become upset with her dad because he was the one who left the marriage and who she holds responsible for changing her lifestyle. I think I’m an easy person for her to blame and be angry with her as I’m one step removed, not quite a stepmother but in a similar role.

OP posts: