Partner, adult daughter and wedding

[Macaroni46]

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

Because it's her family that's getting married not yours? It's seems very entitled. You're also creating a situation where you are making him choose between the two of you which never ends well for anyone

So why are his siblings bringing their partners and not their children? She will be the only one there of her generation, other than the bride and her brother.
I’m making a fuss because I feel disrespected by him, that he’s not treating me as a partner, more of toy to be played with when it suits.

As I said at the very beginning, it’s his choice (you have no say in it - he’s the invitee), but his choice will have consequences.
Just make sure he understands that, and then you will find out where his priorities lie and what you need to do going forward.

This. You made what I consider to be a pretty spiteful remark, she heard it and unsurprisingly wants nothing to do with you. The wedding should never have become a battleground, it’s her family, not yours. You are her dad’s girlfriend of three years, not her stepmother and you don’t need to be interfering in their relationship or making him choose. If you do that, you will lose, and rightly so. We only have your word that she is a horrible spoilt madam - and you have behaved quite badly yourself, so I would consider you an unreliable narrator.

I very much agree with this approach.

You sound like a very reasonable person op, but your dp’s dd, is very young and, as you say, spoiled, which isn’t all her fault, and probably rather jealous of your relationship with her dad, especially if she doesn’t get on with her mum.

Three is not an easy number and it’s not a good look, as the adult, to seemingly set yourself up in competition with her as you will always lose. I know you are not in competition with her in reality, but those are the optics as she will see it.

I think your only option in this instance is to apologise for what she overheard, and have a kind but frank conversation together, reassure her that you are not trying to take her dad away from her,gracefully withdraw from any prospect of going to wedding. Also, I don’t quite understand why you are making the wedding your hill to die on, if it is full of his side of the family? I think it makes more sense that she gets to see her relations frankly.

It’s unfair but hopefully, given time, she will begin to see the error of her ways as she matures. Having said that, I would put a time limit, a couple of years perhaps, to see if things do really improve. At some stage your partner does need to step up and offer you some loyalty, and not always stand back as referee. He shouldn’t have allowed his dd to not speak to you for a year for a start! He should have explained to her that you come as a couple, especially as he caused the incident that resulted in your estrangement in the first place!

But the bride /groom doesn’t want their cousins there? They have invited aunts/uncles plus their partners. If they wanted cousins they would have had their own invite?

It’s often just a numbers thing.

It’s often just a numbers thing.

Probably so, but in many families one cousin going when none are invited would cause bad feeling.

Given her father has a partner of 3 years u bet it hadn't even occurred to the couple that he may take his DD as his +1

I will be interested to see what the fallout from his family would be if the bride and groom have made the decision not to invite cousins only aunts and uncles. My family is very matter of fact, no entitlement but if a decision ( which I suspect is hard) to exclude first cousins and only invite the olds then for one to wangle an invite as a plus one would go down like a led balloon. I’m guessing the partner has a plus one for you op not his DD. Yes yes I know some people will say that should have been made clear but I doubt the B&G thought they needed to spell it out.

I bet DPs family will be pissed as I’m sure they all have adult children who’d like to attend their cousins wedding but cant because of numbers.

I will be interested to see what the fallout from his family would be if the bride and groom have made the decision not to invite cousins only aunts and uncles. My family is very matter of fact, no entitlement but if a decision ( which I suspect is hard) to exclude first cousins and only invite the olds then for one to wangle an invite as a plus one would go down like a led balloon. I’m guessing the partner has a plus one for you op not his DD. Yes yes I know some people will say that should have been made clear but I doubt the B&G thought they needed to spell it out.

I bet DPs family will be pissed as I’m sure they all have adult children who’d like to attend their cousins wedding but cant because of numbers.

Yep you could be right

Anyone who calls on speakerphone to moan about someone INFRONT of them, without saying they were on speaker phone, is playing a nasty game.

never mind the event, I would have been out after the call.

100% — it’s such an odd and unpleasant thing to do

OP, I get that you are being put in the middle by your DP complaining to you about his daughter and I agree that some if her behaviour is unpleasant.

Some of what you have outlined really isn’t that bad, though, and as you weren’t there you don’t know how it played out- your partner may have contributed to the situation too, for instance. Of course , it may all be down to her being rude/entitled etc. And calling her father useless is very rude, she definitely should know better.

I think it is understandable that his DD was upset and hurt on hearing your comments (however accurate or otherwise they might be)- I think most of us would be, even if we could recognise that some (or all) of the comments are at least partly accurate. If you consider that she thought you got on well then she hears you criticise her- and may well have thought from the tone that you weren’t purely commenting on this individual event and more your opinion of her- and then thinks “well if that is what she really thinks of me, she’s really two-faced” and decided that she doesn’t want to have any sort of relationship with you. In that context, I think it was an upsetting thing to happen- even if you were “right” about her behaviour- I have some sympathy for her hearing your true thoughts about her when she thought you were getting on well. She could be any combination of very hurt, angry and embarrassed- has your DP said anything about how she feels, other than she won’t see you?

I was also struck by how many times you have cited your children/your parenting as a more favourable comparison to her and how your DP parented her. I think you need to be careful about making comparisons to your own DC, how their upbringing was superior to hers and their behaviour and thoughtfulness infinitely better than hers. Might be true, in your view, but it might be coming across as somewhat unpleasantly judgemental or a bit smug- “of course, MY children would never be so rude/always put others first/would never do x/y or z”. Whether true or not, it might not come across well to her or DP, the latter may then be more defensive of her. If his DD has picked up on your feelings, then heard this, it might be even more hurtful.

I think most people think the way they parent is the best way to do it and their children are “good eggs”. I’m sure your DC have had their less than perfect moments too.

it’s also clear that if this rift is not healed somehow it is going to negatively impact on your relationship with DP. He is going to have to miss out on things with one of you- birthdays/Christmas/family events- and you won’t be involved in her life in any way. Which might suit you, if you don’t like her, but I imagine is going to be hard and painful for your partner. He does need to do the groundwork for any sort of reconciliation, but perhaps you do need to examine if there is anything you could have done differently/are sorry about? I’m not saying give a grovelling apology to his DD, but perhaps to ease a reconciliation should she agree to meet halfway you might be able to offer something in return? Might be a case of you can stick to your view of being in the right, or give a little to move forward.

I appreciate all the replies. Food for thought! I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them.

I don't think you need to save face.
You have said you have a great relationship with his sisters. When asked, I would say that "He decided to take his dd instead of me" and leave them to draw their own conclusions.

That said, I think it is odd (outside of the USA) to invite "Dave and a +1" rather than "Dave and Jane" or whatever you name is. Particularly when you have been together 3 years.

I think I'd reconsider this entire relationship to be honest. I think it's so important that you can get along with your partners children. It sounds to me like you were quite harsh calling her a madam, whether she over heard you or not and I don't think she needed to say no to a friends party to attend an event that hadn't even been planned. I agree with others that I think taking her to the wedding when she wasn't invited would be awkward, but the fact that she'd rather skip family events with her dad then go because you're going is just sad and I'd either apologize for what you said and try and repair the relationship or move on from him if it's going to be this kind of her or me situation surrounding family events forever.

You should have called her and apologised to her when she overheard you making those comments. That's extremely hurtful. Being the older one, I'm surprised you didn't. A year has gone by and you have made no effort to make amends. You should be the bigger person.

I agree with this. I also don't see the point in your criticising her, she's grown and unlikely unlikely change her behaviour and you're just creating conflict. It was rude you didn't apologise about what you said, I think you're going about this the wrong way.

I think it's a numbers thing, and they weren't bothered who came or she would've been named on the invite. Not necessarily a personal thing, just that they'd be happy with whoever DH wanted to bring.

I mean, him taking her is just him pandering to her tantrums, which sounds like par for the course at this point.

She does sound like a little madam and she treats her Dad really poorly, which must be difficult for you to witness, especially as he does so much for her.

I think she needs to understand that, and I think he needs to understand that his pandering to his DD has created a bit of a monster and if he wants more respect from her, he needs to make changes.

Criticising a partners dc will never end well.

The bride and groom parents prob invited their siblings. I doubt the b and g will be bothered who is the plus one. Will prob prefer their age group rather than uncles newish partner. Daughter might be the only cousin but there will be loads of people there her age presumably the couples friends.

She didn’t like hearing it because it’s the truth.

wedding on his side, she should have her invite and you should be his plus one. Working or not id be making it clear that you appreciate she is an important part of his life and you encourage her to be in it but not at the exclusion of you. If he decides the plus one invite, designed for partners is to be given to his daughter that will be your confirmation that your place in his life is not valued or respected and you do not wish to compete with his daughter when you should be able to coexist at events such as these without a drama and as such you will remove yourself from the “competition” his daughter is competing in. Wish him a nice and pleasant life, graciously move on.

You don’t need to save face to his sisters, tell them straight why you aren’t going.

It's inappropriate to bring his daughter to a wedding when cousins weren't invited.