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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner, adult daughter and wedding

142 replies

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 12:39

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 16:17

Iloveyoubut · 05/04/2025 15:44

Have you posted about this daughter before? This is ringing a bell with me. If this is you I’m thinking of, was the general advice not that you’d never get over your resentment towards his daughter. Sorry if I’ve mistake, I’m just sure I’ve read this before and it was about her having a non job and your partner subsiding her or something. Again only asking for context and sorry if I’m mistaken.

Edited

No that wasn’t me. She is a student.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 16:27

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 15:36

And, I also think him putting you on speaker was deliberate.

I think he needed back up and wanted to sort of “show his daughter the thread” as it were. He wanted to complain and criticize her to her face but he didn’t have the nerve or thought it wouldn’t affect her so he used the OP as a proxy.

FrozenFeathers · 05/04/2025 16:27

The reason his daughter is like this is because of him. He sounds like a feckless father with no boundaries. I would dump him for this reason alone. That way him overindulging his daughter won't affect you anymore.

MadinMarch · 05/04/2025 16:32

FelloffaCliffedge · 05/04/2025 13:08

he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation

I can’t help thinking this was deliberate and he set this up. Now every time he says no to her about something he can blame you. Why else would he do all this on speakerphone with her in earshot!

I agree!
Either that, or he's plain stupid! What did he expect you to say after he's given that catalogue of his daughter's faults and very poor behaviour to you?
Your response was very reasonable indeed- she was acting like a rude spoilt Madam, for want of a better word. I'm surprised you didn't use a stronger word to be frank.
His daughter should have taken your description on the chin, recognised that it was accurate and modified her behaviour immediately.
You've been put in a very difficult position through no fault of your own at all.
I don't think I could be bothered with the ongoing issues this will cause in the relationship, unless partner talks to daughter, accepts responsibility for causing the situation, and the matter is resolved so you can all move forward.

Hoardasauruskaren · 05/04/2025 16:32

burnoutbabe · 05/04/2025 13:17

Did they actually give him a plus one? Or just assume he’s bring his partner? Won’t it annoy others if it looks like she was invited but none of her cousins?

Good point! I took DD to a family wedding as DH is too unwell to cope with a full day out. I checked with my cousin, the bride that she was ok with this beforehand.

BlondeMummyto1 · 05/04/2025 16:32

I would step back and tell him to have fun. Everyone involved is too old for silly games.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/04/2025 16:55

Are the relatives at the wedding her blood relatives? Didn't read correctly that he can only bring 1 person? If that's the case, I think it makes more sense for him to bring hiss daughter. The wedding would be meaningless to you I would guess.

Tiswa · 05/04/2025 17:06

Hold on exactly what was spoilt in the ski trip? @Macaroni46 that she slept in the car - isn’t that normal on long drives? That she expected him to have ideas as to meals well possibly but didn’t he expect her to instead of him?

the birthday clash which invite came first?

all in all though it is him that is causing this

Newgirls · 05/04/2025 17:11

She’s the same age as the bride? Makes perfect sense for her to go as the plus one if numbers are limited.

enjoy having a break from them

kungfoofighting · 05/04/2025 17:18

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 15:32

"There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. ... He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party. ... No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation."
I don't think Madam has thought this one through properly. Or him.

She might be supposing that she's 'won' if he takes her and not you, but she seems blind to what will most likely happen at this wedding. With no other cousins of her generation, she'll stick out like a sore thumb. And since it's family, I doubt the older generation of said family will hold back on the questions and comments - because they'll notice and be interested. So she'll be repeatedly asked why she's there and not her dad's partner (the expected plus-one), she'll be repeatedly asked why she's there when it's known no other cousin has been invited, and I wouldn't put it past possibility that she'll be asked why she wasn't at the family Christmas party. Your partner will also face these questions. Repeatedly.

I don't think either will feel comfortable with the scrutiny they will attract.

"I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them."
Why would you save their face (your own does not need saving)? Be truthful to his sisters. 'His daughter wanted to attend, so that's what happened.'

I would absolutely give the pair of them this chance to make themselves look foolish. I would, as you put it, "graciously stand aside on this occasion". But I'd also have a diminished respect for him, and might well be reassessing if this is the relationship for me. His daughter will always be around, and he will always indulge her. I might not end it over this particular event, but I probably would the next time they pull a stunt like this.

(Edited for spelling)

Edited

Come on, they’re not going to keep asking the daughter why she’s there and not the Dad’s partner! That would just be rude.

Ime older family members are usually full of interest in what younger family members are up to and will have lots of questions for her about how she’s doing and what she’s up to.

Do agree OP should not kick up a fuss over this though – it hardly seems worth it.

Brefugee · 05/04/2025 17:23

Ask him straight up why he set you up on that call.
Then bin him off - this is your life forever otherwise

DysmalRadius · 05/04/2025 17:25

As is so often the case, your problem lies with your husband. He's playing the two of you off against one another by feeding the drama between you.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 17:49

Newgirls · 05/04/2025 17:11

She’s the same age as the bride? Makes perfect sense for her to go as the plus one if numbers are limited.

enjoy having a break from them

But none of the other cousins are invited.
Yet all 3 of his sisters are bringing their partners - one of whom is only one more year into their relationship than we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 17:55

Tiswa · 05/04/2025 17:06

Hold on exactly what was spoilt in the ski trip? @Macaroni46 that she slept in the car - isn’t that normal on long drives? That she expected him to have ideas as to meals well possibly but didn’t he expect her to instead of him?

the birthday clash which invite came first?

all in all though it is him that is causing this

It wasn’t a ski trip. He took her away in lieu of his birthday neither weekend of which she could make. They were going on day trips and she was not contributing to any of the planning or navigating. She then shouted at him and called him useless. Which is why he got upset and called me.
With regard to Birthday invites - the 21st invite came first but she would’ve known he was turning 60 and, in my opinion, should’ve asked him what his plans were. My two DC certainly would do that for a special birthday. He was upset that she had plans for both weekends either side of his big birthday. I think the trouble is he gets hurt by her but doesn’t tell her. He tells me. And I’ve got caught in the middle.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 05/04/2025 18:00

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 17:55

It wasn’t a ski trip. He took her away in lieu of his birthday neither weekend of which she could make. They were going on day trips and she was not contributing to any of the planning or navigating. She then shouted at him and called him useless. Which is why he got upset and called me.
With regard to Birthday invites - the 21st invite came first but she would’ve known he was turning 60 and, in my opinion, should’ve asked him what his plans were. My two DC certainly would do that for a special birthday. He was upset that she had plans for both weekends either side of his big birthday. I think the trouble is he gets hurt by her but doesn’t tell her. He tells me. And I’ve got caught in the middle.

Show quote history

Yes that is exactly the issue - he gets hurt and expects you to solve it putting you right in the centre and it has ruined your relationship with her.

it sounds as if he flicks between being an overindulgent father to expecting her to be an equal partner

21st is also a fairly special birthday - was it a close friend?

the fact he cannot seem to be her father would cause me to walk away

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/04/2025 18:04

To use a MN cliche, you have a DP problem. All of this mess is of his making. From your posts, the daughter doesn’t sound too bad at all. A bit thoughtless/selfish maybe but at that age, most of us are (even if we don’t realise it). Has he actually apologised to you for causing all of this? I’m guessing not. He sounds weak and this weakness is why you’ve ended up stuck in the middle while he carries on as if everything is fine. Not an attractive characteristic.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:06

Tiswa · 05/04/2025 18:00

Yes that is exactly the issue - he gets hurt and expects you to solve it putting you right in the centre and it has ruined your relationship with her.

it sounds as if he flicks between being an overindulgent father to expecting her to be an equal partner

21st is also a fairly special birthday - was it a close friend?

the fact he cannot seem to be her father would cause me to walk away

Show quote history

I agree 21 is a big birthday. As she’s a student she’s had a lot of 21st parties to attend in the last year or so from fellow students.
My DC would not just accept an invite to a party on the same weekend as my big birthday without checking what the plans are first. This was his 60th and it fell on a Saturday, a non-working Saturday for me (I work alternate weekends) so it would’ve been an ideal day to have a party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:09

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/04/2025 18:04

To use a MN cliche, you have a DP problem. All of this mess is of his making. From your posts, the daughter doesn’t sound too bad at all. A bit thoughtless/selfish maybe but at that age, most of us are (even if we don’t realise it). Has he actually apologised to you for causing all of this? I’m guessing not. He sounds weak and this weakness is why you’ve ended up stuck in the middle while he carries on as if everything is fine. Not an attractive characteristic.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! I agree with you about her not being bad. She’s still relatively young and can be very sweet. It’s his parenting style and lack of backbone that’s the issue. His avoidance at dealing with issues and reluctance to communicate. I’m starting to wonder if it’s all worth it with him!

OP posts:
Tiswa · 05/04/2025 18:16

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:06

I agree 21 is a big birthday. As she’s a student she’s had a lot of 21st parties to attend in the last year or so from fellow students.
My DC would not just accept an invite to a party on the same weekend as my big birthday without checking what the plans are first. This was his 60th and it fell on a Saturday, a non-working Saturday for me (I work alternate weekends) so it would’ve been an ideal day to have a party.

Show quote history

But did he actually have plans or just a vague idea?

Does he make plans does he arrange stuff? Because the argument with his daughter seemed to be about the fact that he didn’t organise anything and expected her too (which she has since done on other trips) and he actually hadn’t made plans for a party just that it was an ideal weekend to do so?

it so maybe the useless his daughter called him was on point

ARichtGoodDram · 05/04/2025 18:24

Tbh he doesn't sound like he has any manners whatsoever.

Ranting about his DD to you, whilst she could hear him.
Not mentioning to you that you were on speakerphone and she could hear. (When else have you been on speakerphone unaware?)

Then doing nothing to bring you both together or sort the issue in over a year?

In your shoes I'd be assuming that with the lack of trying to sort it and the suggestion of you not being his plus one that he didn't actually see it as a serious relationship.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/04/2025 18:26

Taking her, when none of the rest of her generation in the family have been invited, is also quite rude to the couple getting married imo.

They've drawn a line in where they are inviting in the family and there's not a chance that they're expecting a cousin/uncle with a partner of 3 years to bring a not-invited family member.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:40

Tiswa · 05/04/2025 18:16

But did he actually have plans or just a vague idea?

Does he make plans does he arrange stuff? Because the argument with his daughter seemed to be about the fact that he didn’t organise anything and expected her too (which she has since done on other trips) and he actually hadn’t made plans for a party just that it was an ideal weekend to do so?

it so maybe the useless his daughter called him was on point

Show quote history

He often makes plans but regarding his birthday, he left it quite late. It’s an early February birthday so he wanted to get Christmas out of the way. He certainly can be vague at times and probably should’ve communicated his ideas to her sooner.
My argument isn’t with her - it’s with him. I think he should be inviting me to the wedding as his partner of over 3 years.

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 05/04/2025 18:43

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:40

He often makes plans but regarding his birthday, he left it quite late. It’s an early February birthday so he wanted to get Christmas out of the way. He certainly can be vague at times and probably should’ve communicated his ideas to her sooner.
My argument isn’t with her - it’s with him. I think he should be inviting me to the wedding as his partner of over 3 years.

Show quote history

I'm glad you can now see that the problem is DP not his daughter but I think you need to see how unreasonable you are being expecting he would take you over his daughter to a wedding that is HER family member. That's really selfish.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:45

Nn9011 · 05/04/2025 18:43

I'm glad you can now see that the problem is DP not his daughter but I think you need to see how unreasonable you are being expecting he would take you over his daughter to a wedding that is HER family member. That's really selfish.

Show quote history

I don’t see why it’s selfish to expect him to take me actually.
All of his siblings are bringing their partners, most of whom are not the parents of their children. None of his DD’s generation are invited. None of his siblings are bringing their children.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/04/2025 18:48

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:45

I don’t see why it’s selfish to expect him to take me actually.
All of his siblings are bringing their partners, most of whom are not the parents of their children. None of his DD’s generation are invited. None of his siblings are bringing their children.

Show quote history

I agree with you.