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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner, adult daughter and wedding

142 replies

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 12:39

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 12:43

I think you don’t really react at all, just tell him it’s up to him who he takes, but that he needs to understand any implications for his future relationship with you and with her.

Dawnchorussinging · 05/04/2025 12:48

I can't see him changing in his attitude to his daughter
She is going to be the most important person in his life forever.
Personally I can't stand over indulged spoilt people so I would actually end my relationship with him because if it's not this wedding causing you upset and problems it will be something else to do with his daughter.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2025 12:57

His ineffectual parenting would give me the icky anyway so I doubt I would have lasted this long.
Why did he have you on speakerphone whilst she was in earshot? He sounds as manipulative as his daughter.

ConnieSlow · 05/04/2025 13:05

That’s her family too so I think it would trump you going. He’s not going to change and I don’t think you get too involved. You’ve been together only 3 years so just on the scene. He’s been a parent to her for far longer so I’m not sure what you are wanting to change. When he starts complaining to you telll him you are not interested and just refuse to get involved.
everyone is old enough to keep things separate so in this instance, she is family before you so I think it’s right that she goes instead of you.

Catlady724 · 05/04/2025 13:05

Why did he have you on speaker whilst she was there and he was complaining about her?! Very odd, he set you up a bit there. His parenting style and his relationship with his daughter won’t change so I wouldn’t focus too much on this wedding (are you genuinely bothered about going or do you just want to feel like you’ve ‘won’ this one?) and think whether you want to stay in the relationship and deal with this forever.

Of course she might still mature a bit over the next few years and improve, 22 is still quite young and people do grow up a bit between say 20 and 30.

titchy · 05/04/2025 13:07

You have a spineless dp. She probably wouldn’t even want to go to the wedding if no one from her generation going to be there, and yet he’s extending his invitation to her to appease her. And appease her from what - SHE made the decision about Christmas. She wasn’t forced.

Agree with swiftie - tell him it’s entirely up to him who he chooses, but that he also has to be aware that whatever he decides will
have consequences.

And think about whether you want this to be your relationship forever, because neither of them are likely to change.

FelloffaCliffedge · 05/04/2025 13:08

he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation

I can’t help thinking this was deliberate and he set this up. Now every time he says no to her about something he can blame you. Why else would he do all this on speakerphone with her in earshot!

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 13:12

Catlady724 · 05/04/2025 13:05

Why did he have you on speaker whilst she was there and he was complaining about her?! Very odd, he set you up a bit there. His parenting style and his relationship with his daughter won’t change so I wouldn’t focus too much on this wedding (are you genuinely bothered about going or do you just want to feel like you’ve ‘won’ this one?) and think whether you want to stay in the relationship and deal with this forever.

Of course she might still mature a bit over the next few years and improve, 22 is still quite young and people do grow up a bit between say 20 and 30.

Agree with catlady, here. He caused this by putting you on speaker phone and calling to complain about his travelling companion while she was right there! Did he think you would be mummy and show up to help him/soothe him?

That aside I would just step aside from the wedding. She is pissing on her territory but that will stop once she has done so sufficiently. She doesn’t want to spend time with him. She is abusing him for money. She will voluntarily stop coming to things with him if you don’t show you are bothered.

Riapia · 05/04/2025 13:16

You have discovered one of life’s great truths.
There is nothing more unlikeable than other people’s children.
Most of us have come to realise that if only we had been involved in their upbringing they would have turned out far better than they have done.
Unfortunately his DD didn’t have you as a role model in her formative years.

burnoutbabe · 05/04/2025 13:17

Did they actually give him a plus one? Or just assume he’s bring his partner? Won’t it annoy others if it looks like she was invited but none of her cousins?

PullTheBricksDown · 05/04/2025 13:18

Ah, I see. She can now blame you for all the exasperation with her laziness because of overhearing your comment. That also suits her dad as it deflects from him being the bad guy. I don't think there's a good outcome for you in that, unless you're happy to always be second choice to her when he wants to ingratiate himself with her.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/04/2025 13:19

How foolish of him to have you on speakerphone when you were discussing his DD - but perhaps it was deliberate?

Anyway, I'd be annoyed if my partner didn't see me as the default "plus one" where invitations were concerned.

I'd also be reevaluating the relationship, full stop.

It sounds like this man is afraid of his daughter and unwilling to put any healthy boundaries on to her behaviour.

That would really bother me and I'd lose my respect for him.

Buttonsbuttons · 05/04/2025 13:19

It sounds like you and her have an adversarial relationship. it's been set up as some sort of competition. Problem with this is you are not going to win this. She will.

When she gets married, you won't be invited.

When she has kids, you won't be included.

Both of the above events will be major life milestones for your DP. He will want to be involved so will chose her.

If you're happy being the plan B, then it's fine. But you'll have to resign yourself to it or be very unhappy.

Obvnotthegolden · 05/04/2025 13:19

It's also weird that he rang you and complained about her in front of her.

So definitely feels like he was trying to use you and your opinion against her, "see it's not just me, macaroni thinks this".

Aside from all this, a plus 1 is usually a partner but I can see why his daughter might want to go to see her extended family.

If you got along with the daughter, would you feel differently about your dp taking her rather than you?

You're never going to win if you feel yourself in competition with her.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/04/2025 13:22

Why did he have you on speakerphone with her in earshot, moaning about her? That is really shit.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 13:34

When I was first introduced to his daughter we got on really well and even went for little shopping trips and coffees together. She confided in me a lot about the difficult relationship she had with her mother. This made me feel a bit awkward at the time and I tried to step back a bit and also tried to put forward what her mum’s view might be. I really liked her and always felt the spoilt, indulged part was not her fault, rather her parents, her dad in particular. It’s very unfortunate that she overheard me. To those suggesting he put me on speakerphone and set me up, I don’t think that was the case but it’s certainly worth considering.
I appreciate all the replies. Food for thought! I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2025 13:35

A wedding on his side - I think taking his DD is fair enough.

notatinydancer · 05/04/2025 13:38

I’d completely distance myself from her. Hell truly is other people’s spoilt kids , even as adults. Believe me.

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 13:41

Its a wedding on her side—why didn’t she get the invite?

SP2024 · 05/04/2025 13:48

Not great he had you on speakerphone. Have you actually apologised for that incident and talked to her about it yourself? I’d say his family wedding makes sense to take her and you said you’re working anyway. But both him and you need to try and agree how to handle her as not being in the same room ever over one comment seems unrealistic.

Codlingmoths · 05/04/2025 13:51

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 13:34

When I was first introduced to his daughter we got on really well and even went for little shopping trips and coffees together. She confided in me a lot about the difficult relationship she had with her mother. This made me feel a bit awkward at the time and I tried to step back a bit and also tried to put forward what her mum’s view might be. I really liked her and always felt the spoilt, indulged part was not her fault, rather her parents, her dad in particular. It’s very unfortunate that she overheard me. To those suggesting he put me on speakerphone and set me up, I don’t think that was the case but it’s certainly worth considering.
I appreciate all the replies. Food for thought! I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them.

youre not saving face op, you’re saving your dhs face. Tell his sisters the truth. And tell him it’s up to him but how you feel about his decision is up to you.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/04/2025 13:54

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 13:34

When I was first introduced to his daughter we got on really well and even went for little shopping trips and coffees together. She confided in me a lot about the difficult relationship she had with her mother. This made me feel a bit awkward at the time and I tried to step back a bit and also tried to put forward what her mum’s view might be. I really liked her and always felt the spoilt, indulged part was not her fault, rather her parents, her dad in particular. It’s very unfortunate that she overheard me. To those suggesting he put me on speakerphone and set me up, I don’t think that was the case but it’s certainly worth considering.
I appreciate all the replies. Food for thought! I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them.

This schism in your relationship with his daughter is entirely his fault. He put you on speakerphone because he is sick of her attitude but doesn’t have the balls to call it what it is - spoilt and entitled - but knew you’d probably name it for him, and you did.

He made sure she’d be within earshot and didn’t give a shit about the impact of that on your relationship with her, or any thought to the future implications of a falling out - which is why you’re all now having to deal with this stupid nonsense.

It’s all on him - a weak, spineless man who’d rather throw a bomb into the relationship between the two most important women in his life, than actually use his words and be a bloody parent for once.

He sounds pathetic and a bit of a dick, quite honestly. No wonder his sisters are happy he’s with you. Maybe ditch him and keep in touch with them?

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 14:11

SP2024 · 05/04/2025 13:48

Not great he had you on speakerphone. Have you actually apologised for that incident and talked to her about it yourself? I’d say his family wedding makes sense to take her and you said you’re working anyway. But both him and you need to try and agree how to handle her as not being in the same room ever over one comment seems unrealistic.

I haven’t apologised for the comment as I haven’t seen her since she overheard - which is over a year ago now. I feel it’s not an appropriate thing to do over text plus there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to apologise - I stand by what I said: her behaviour was spoilt on that occasion. Interestingly, on subsequent trips away with his daughter, she’s been far more proactive and involved! So maybe she recognises at some level that what I said was true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 14:13

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 13:41

Its a wedding on her side—why didn’t she get the invite?

As I said in my OP, the invitations are only for my partner’s generation. He’s from a very large family so it would be too much to invite all of his daughter’s generation. That’s one of the reasons I’m a bit taken aback he wants to take her - none of her cousins will be there! (Other than the one getting married and her sibling).

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 14:15

Don’t apologize. He created the break and he needs to heal it. Unless he does so—and creates a way for you both to save face and be heard—there is no point. If he brings it up as the “.root cause” of the problem jyst refuse to take the blame. “You and your dd will look everywhere to blame for her behavior except at the two of you. Don’t shoot the messenger. I simply named the behavior you were describing. Her hostility to me is the issue here. You are enabling her to hold a grudge. “