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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner, adult daughter and wedding

142 replies

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 12:39

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

OP posts:
ohdearagain2 · 05/04/2025 14:19

Even if you and her were on the best of terms - I would in your place encourage him to go with her if that's what they both wanted. It's his and her family wedding - not your family wedding. I think the whole angst between you and his daughter is a red herring and you are seeing this wedding as some sort of competition between her and you who he picks. You haven't won a holiday - its his relative's wedding - would his relative prefer to have you or his daughter there?

On a bigger scale - you clearly have an issue with his relationship with his daughter and she is not going away. Only you can decide if you are either going to accept how they are together or you can't and need to walk away. He's in some sort of pick me dance between the two of you - ultimately he will pick his daughter and quite frankly I am guessing most people would expect a parent to pick their child. Understandably, this might not be what you want though so you might have to be prepared to walk away.

verysmellyjelly · 05/04/2025 14:24

Do you want to stay with him, OP?

Poonu · 05/04/2025 14:28

Someone's wedding is an opportunity for you to manage your relationship issues.
Tbh if it's a family thing on this side they will probably be pleased to see the daughter (she doesn't sound like a nice person by the way).

AnSolas · 05/04/2025 14:30

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 14:11

I haven’t apologised for the comment as I haven’t seen her since she overheard - which is over a year ago now. I feel it’s not an appropriate thing to do over text plus there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to apologise - I stand by what I said: her behaviour was spoilt on that occasion. Interestingly, on subsequent trips away with his daughter, she’s been far more proactive and involved! So maybe she recognises at some level that what I said was true.

Show quote history

Nope your the stick in their relationship.
His money is the carrot.

I'll bet her higher level intetaction is more aimed to keep you out of the picture than to suddenly make him happy.

I would suspect that pushing you out of his family's "official" event is making sure you are not seen as his partner than a sudden need to have a family reunion after refusing to attend a Chtistmas event.

Hes not a 5 year old he knows how phone calls work and he set you up by putting you on speaker. He did not phone you to have you say that he was the asshole for expecting her to participate at a level he wanted ot that he needed to suck it up and you fully agreed with her choices? Did he?

Rhaidimiddim · 05/04/2025 14:35

"Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?"

It won't be just this occasion, though. If he takes her over you, it will be every get-together, holiday, birthday etc forever.

Streaaa · 05/04/2025 14:36

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 14:15

Don’t apologize. He created the break and he needs to heal it. Unless he does so—and creates a way for you both to save face and be heard—there is no point. If he brings it up as the “.root cause” of the problem jyst refuse to take the blame. “You and your dd will look everywhere to blame for her behavior except at the two of you. Don’t shoot the messenger. I simply named the behavior you were describing. Her hostility to me is the issue here. You are enabling her to hold a grudge. “

Excellent.

I think your relationship is doomed.
He's weak and is a poor parent.
He is unlikely to side with you, she is his child after all, and these issues will continue on a loop.

Not worth it.

Watermill · 05/04/2025 14:44

So much tedious drama!?

I hope he’s worth it!

MeganM3 · 05/04/2025 14:53

You’ve come between a father and daughter. For whatever reason she’s probably not at all comfortable with your relationship, and your horrible and careless words are the catalyst for a huge divide.
I think you should walk away, honestly. He clearly cares very deeply about his daughter and she will never like now you so there’ll always be this uncomfortable element to his relationship with you and with her.
As for the wedding, he wants to go with his daughter and that’s fair. You’re not a married couple and have been together a few years, you’re not family.

poetryandwine · 05/04/2025 14:53

Sadly I agree that you were set up on the speakerphone, OP. Why the hell was DP complaining to you about his DD in front of her? He was actually being very rude to her, and her anger expressed to you may be largely displaced anger towards her father.

I also agree that whom to bring is DP’s choice. However it will look very odd if DD is the only member if her generation there and surely this was not the intent. Wanted family members generally receive their own invitations.

I agree that if he brings her a dam will be breached and she is likely to exclude you from as many family events as she can in the future. Only you know whether you are prepared to put up with this. I think the cost in self respect sounds too high.

Endofyear · 05/04/2025 14:53

I'd be quite happy for him to take his daughter. It's his family and she'll probably enjoy it. I'm not particularly fussed about weddings so I'd be happy to skip it.

But I would have a think about what this relationship is going to be like going forward - I would imagine that his daughter not wanting to spend any time with you is going to throw up problems in the future 😕 family occasions are going to be difficult and he is inevitably going to have occasions where he feels stuck in the middle.

Ellie1015 · 05/04/2025 14:57

If none of the other cousins are there it may be awkward for bride and groom if one cousin there as it may not be obvious she is there as dad's plus one.

If you are working and unable to attend then fair enough to take dd but if you would like to go you should be going.

Shelby2010 · 05/04/2025 15:00

Am I the only one surprised that the invite was for DP plus one? Surely if they have been together for 3 years it would have been to DP & OP? Or if to DP & DSD.

Have you seen the invitation?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/04/2025 15:02

It wouldn't surprise me if she announced at the last minute that she wasn't going to the wedding, anyway.

She sounds flaky and entitled.

Fancycheese · 05/04/2025 15:06

MeganM3 · 05/04/2025 14:53

You’ve come between a father and daughter. For whatever reason she’s probably not at all comfortable with your relationship, and your horrible and careless words are the catalyst for a huge divide.
I think you should walk away, honestly. He clearly cares very deeply about his daughter and she will never like now you so there’ll always be this uncomfortable element to his relationship with you and with her.
As for the wedding, he wants to go with his daughter and that’s fair. You’re not a married couple and have been together a few years, you’re not family.

She hasn’t come between, she’s been forced between! She was empathising with her DP on the call, that she thought was private, whilst he was complaining about her bad behaviour. What was she supposed to say?

also there will be no family present of DD’s generation at the wedding.

kungfoofighting · 05/04/2025 15:07

Well they’re her family at the wedding, right? A plus one doesn’t have to be a partner, it can be whoever. It’s up to him who goes.

I would just let it go.

user31908734289 · 05/04/2025 15:07

I can see the logic it taking the daughter - they’ll be her family forever, your relationship may or may not last the course. And if you’re working and can’t go anyway, is it worth getting het up about?

kungfoofighting · 05/04/2025 15:10

Fancycheese · 05/04/2025 15:06

She hasn’t come between, she’s been forced between! She was empathising with her DP on the call, that she thought was private, whilst he was complaining about her bad behaviour. What was she supposed to say?

also there will be no family present of DD’s generation at the wedding.

Show quote history

And there will be no family of OP’s of any generation at the party?

Agree OP was put in a tough spot with the conversation – although always better to be diplomatic about other people’s families imo, even if the other person is complaining.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/04/2025 15:15

When she decides not to go ( 10:1 the day before) will you step in?

((Personally, I wouldn’t, DP can sort this out for himself )

Notaflippinclue · 05/04/2025 15:19

Really can you be bothered with this spineless chap and his spoilt daughter over the next 30 years?

ParsnipPuree · 05/04/2025 15:19

Hell would freeze over would this happen. I appreciate he isn’t your husband but as far as I'm
concerned you invite a couple together. If it was intentional to put you on the speaker then that is inexcusable and a betrayal of your trust, and I couldn’t get over that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 15:32

"There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. ... He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party. ... No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation."
I don't think Madam has thought this one through properly. Or him.

She might be supposing that she's 'won' if he takes her and not you, but she seems blind to what will most likely happen at this wedding. With no other cousins of her generation, she'll stick out like a sore thumb. And since it's family, I doubt the older generation of said family will hold back on the questions and comments - because they'll notice and be interested. So she'll be repeatedly asked why she's there and not her dad's partner (the expected plus-one), she'll be repeatedly asked why she's there when it's known no other cousin has been invited, and I wouldn't put it past possibility that she'll be asked why she wasn't at the family Christmas party. Your partner will also face these questions. Repeatedly.

I don't think either will feel comfortable with the scrutiny they will attract.

"I’m actually working the weekend of the wedding so can save face as my DP’s sisters will ask why I’m not there. I get on brilliantly with them."
Why would you save their face (your own does not need saving)? Be truthful to his sisters. 'His daughter wanted to attend, so that's what happened.'

I would absolutely give the pair of them this chance to make themselves look foolish. I would, as you put it, "graciously stand aside on this occasion". But I'd also have a diminished respect for him, and might well be reassessing if this is the relationship for me. His daughter will always be around, and he will always indulge her. I might not end it over this particular event, but I probably would the next time they pull a stunt like this.

(Edited for spelling)

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2025 15:36

And, I also think him putting you on speaker was deliberate.

Iloveyoubut · 05/04/2025 15:44

Have you posted about this daughter before? This is ringing a bell with me. If this is you I’m thinking of, was the general advice not that you’d never get over your resentment towards his daughter. Sorry if I’ve mistake, I’m just sure I’ve read this before and it was about her having a non job and your partner subsiding her or something. Again only asking for context and sorry if I’m mistaken.

Cucy · 05/04/2025 15:48

I think it’s absolutely fair enough that he takes his DD.

It is their family.

Surely if it was your family, you would choose to take your kids over your DP too?

Obviously there are big issues here but the wedding isn’t one of them.

It almost comes across as you only want to go to ‘get one over’ on the DD.

This wouldn’t even me a conversation.
I would be taking my DD whether my DP liked it or not and tbh I can’t see many DPs having an issue with this.
If it was my DP I wouldn’t assume I would be invited unless the DD didn’t want to go.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 16:13

Shelby2010 · 05/04/2025 15:00

Am I the only one surprised that the invite was for DP plus one? Surely if they have been together for 3 years it would have been to DP & OP? Or if to DP & DSD.

Have you seen the invitation?

Good point, no I haven’t seen the invitation.

OP posts: