Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Thank goodness!

And what if CF colleague isn’t in the mood to listen?

I’m not saying don’t try to set expectations. But “I wont be free at 4” is theoretically factual. “I’ll need a bit of me time” is open to loose interpretation from someone with a rhino’s hide.

Honestly I think this was perfect from @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius If you would rather not have a meal with them just leave that bit out. There is nothing in that message that gives her a way in or that she could reasonably take offence to and if she unreasonably takes offence then so be it.

I totally sympathise and I agree you need to sort it before you go or it will cast a pall over the experience for you.

I think you're right. She's one of those chatty, apparently uncomplicated people who likes being with other people and probably assumes that they are as happy in her company as she is in theirs. As I learned last year, she comes from a large close family who help each other out a lot: her sister and parents help with childcare if necessary. I can be sunny and chatty too. You have to be cheerful and positive to be a volunteer.

I get it that spending a week on your own under canvas with a child is tough and that camping can take it out of you. Been there, done that (not the single parent bit, the camping with children bit). I'm not going to diss her.

But I've been going to Hay since 1989, first with friends who were in publishing, then later with my DH and for a few years, our children. DH and the kids dropped out around 2010 ('Not Hay again...') and I've been going solo ever since and have met other women doing the same thing. It has become one of those points in the year that I rely on. Beautiful place, books, ideas and thousands of women of a certain age, many of them enjoying being on their own.

I wouldn't say that, just make sure your van is not near their tent and make yourself unavailable during the time you are there. If you bump into the person, be pleasant but busy and make it clear you are involved with others and various things. You can do that!

Secondly, just tell her and don’t give two shiny shites if she’s offended. You are volunteering to help all at the event, not host her.

Genuine question @PeggyMitchellsCameo - what if the colleagues takes offence (very likely, I'd have thought) and the coldness - or worse - spills over into their workplace & their work together? It could become awkward - or indeed, more than awkward.

I wonder if this is why the OP was so accommodating, polite & kind last year.

I agree that the choice to be alone should be enough. She's spectacularly lacking in self awareness whether she's being deliberately rude or not. I do agree with you that some people simply don't understand why others might want to be alone sometimes. My very dear friend was quite worried for me when I politely declined her Christmas day invitation, saying that I was very grateful but would honestly be happier on my own on the day. I was grateful and happy to go to hers on Boxing day and New year's eve. She asked me at least 3 times and even offered to plate me a meal up to collect.

So you didn't read the part of my post where I said I intended to tell them both. 'Agnes' first, and Jane so that if it comes up, she can drive home the message...

Agree do it asap - tell her its not personal - your value the solitude - you dont even want to invite DH+DCs. Be direct and upfront right now rather than have this hang over you for months and spoil you looking forward to it and having to bat her off each time - your resentment and frustration will grow and its not fair on her that you are unable to communicate your boundaries upfront.

You will feel better for it.

Any push back - "No, that doesnt work for me" - Rinse and repeat. No further info. Just weather the storm feel the temporary discomfort and nip it in the bud asap.

No, I'm suggesting that "I need a bit of me time" probably isn't forceful enough.

I have read the Let Them book by Mel Robbins and it’s changed my life.
OP doesn’t need to be offensive she just needs to be honest.
If Cadging Carole takes offence and brings into the workplace, then OP can deal with it then.
You cannot let people hold you to ransom.
After 55 years of pleasing people I’m fregging fed up of it.

Lots of good advice here OP I’m putting these two in bold because I think they are crucial….
tell her ahead of the event so it’s not hanging over you and your trip. Keep it simple…glad you enjoyed the retreat last year. I’m looking forward to being alone this week so please plan accordingly
i am not available to childmind. Keep that one very very simple and direct. If you purchase tickets you will need to include your daughter because I will not babysit. That really is very rude and presumptive of her.

things did get out of hand last time so you have to turn the wheel hard this time for smooth sailing for the future events

Fuck, that's awful.

She is a CF.
It's all very intrusive and it's hugely rude of them to be peering into your van.
And you having to mind her child is outrageous.

You'll have to deal with this directly - and now - and you'll have to be firm.
Tell her that you will be having the time to yourself and you cannot host them in your van.
And that you're not babysitting her child.
Tell her it's your holiday and that you cannot accommodate her or her child.

Jesus, my blood boils for you.

Cheeky fuckin' mare.

If you do not deal with this now - then it'll be a repeat of last year.

From your previous posts about you feeling guilty because she is a single parent, I assumed that she didn't have a support network which is why she latched onto you.

However, you have confirmed that she has a large, loving and helpful family that do lots of childcare for her. I think she now just expects other adults to help her like her family do. She may be chatty and uncomplicated but she seems quite entitled and ensures that her needs are met while not considering yours.

I do think that you need to be blunt. If you pussy foot around her too much to avoid hurting her feelings, she may deliberately misunderstand you.

After seeing it recommended on MN, I downloaded it onto my Kindle app. Currently halfway through. It's genuinely helped my mental state. (My late husband always said that I worried too much about what other people thought of me.)

I just always breezily explain that I'm a miserable, grumpy antisocial bugger & I'm going away to avoid everyone I know.

If you say it loudly & with a big grin to the whole office whenever CFer is in earshot, she'll know you're on to her.

There's not much anyone can say to that...if she comments that you're being unfriendly or whatever, you just agree, cheerfully & completely unapologetically, explaining that you absolutely love your hermit-like downtime, that's why dh & dc aren't coming, & you can't bloody wait.

If she says '...but last year...' you reply 'oh but you'll be properly organised & self sufficient this year, won't you, now you know what to expect?'

CFers like this will be busily convincing themselves that poor lonely you is desperate for company...you have to be happily impervious, & then she'll wander off & batten off someone else.

Ironic that you don’t seem to have any trouble being direct now…

This is your best approach, I think.

This.

I said I was planning to do both. Speak to 'Agnes' directly telling her that I go to Hay to enjoy a week alone and ask Jane, who Agnes has a lot of contact with, to reinforce the message that I don't want company when I'm there.

If Agnes can't understand then I'm in deeper tish than I thought.

Exactly! Don’t suggest any coffee or time together. She will absolutely see it as ‘the same as last time’. And yes to a colleague laying it on thick beforehand.

I would also add that as you're having to deal with members of the public all day and be a chatty happy volunteer that you need the rest of the time alone in silence to decompress.

It's going to be very hard as you apparently don't like saying no to people or being direct, and everything you hint about now will lead her to conclude it doesn't apply to her as it didn't last time.

I would stick a sign on the camper van and say working, do not disturb. If she still knocks on, say you are working.

Def dont do anything like dinner - zero compromises - people like her erode boundaries by nibbling away.

Do another type of hobby from now on
that is probably the least helpful reply