Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

If you set her straight and your colleague sets her straight and she still comes banging on your van door, remind her of what you both told her.
You'll have to be very firm.
She clearly intends to use your space as she did last year.
She's a cheeky unit.

She may read it here anyway, unless you’ve changed major details I’d think it was fairly outing.
Just be honest. Most people will completely appreciate ‘I’m away for some ‘me’ time. I hope you understand and I hope I don’t come across rude not wanting to spend time with you’.

I get it Op, you're not a dick and actually you had no.idea last year how it would play out

I would phrase it like a "you" issue.

"It's not you colleague, you're lovey but I'm really not keen on meeting up with anyone during the week especially family or work
(Very important) I know I'm anti social but you do understand don't you?

It's not so much that she won't understand. It's that it doesn't benefit her to get what you're saying. So it's easier to pretend not to, show up anyway, and count on you being too nice to refuse or send them away. You will have to be prepared to do that this time. People assume, often correctly, that if they lay it on think others won't have the guts to refuse them.

Yes, this

and tell her you're not babysitting.

I would say, before you go, that you’re really looking forward to having a week of peace and quiet after working so hard this year. Emphasise that it’s your week of peace, but hopefully you’ll get the chance to have a meal with her one evening. Say that you’re going to be tough this year and not let anyone into your space.

Get some empty vodka bottles and keep them in your van. When she knocks on the door, say "that was some breakfast! I'm just going to the off licence, want anything?"

Say you're planning on hooking up with random men

This is good.

But if she still turns up banging on the window then you will have to fall back on “Can’t let you in unfortunately, strong possibility I have been in contact with scabies and haven’t had time to de contaminate the van.”

( when you get back to school then fortunately it turned out to be a heat rash, phew!)

I think I'd make a bit of a deal about 'checking' that she's got all the equipment she needs to keep warm, hydrated, entertained etc for the week. Say that last year as a newbie to the festival you understood that she needed so much help, but this year she'll be on her own a lot more, as you'll be very busy volunteering and enjoying your downtime on your own.

None of that is your problem!

You are not family or best mates and frankly she'd be better off going on her own to somewhere her DD is more likely to have fun!

It isn't selfish. It might help to do some reading about boundaries and self-respect. The other party is treating you extremely badly and you're allowing it.

It helps to be clear e.g
'Hi Agnes, I'm glad you liked the festival and want to go back. Last year I didn't say this but I want to be clear this time that I go on my own on purpose. So please don't factor in spending time with me.'

Every time she turns up, be on your mobile phone on a call that you are not going to cease and it's private. Hold you hand over the thing and look at her, expecting her to go away and that you won't resume the call until she is out of earshot.

Do this every time. Every single time. She will get the message eventually.

You are not selfish for wanting the week you planned. I do think you're wrong about your colleague... she is a CF, expecting you to provide food, warmth and babysitting again. The first time I could almost forgive, but not twice.

Poor @Craquedechevalier There's something really counterintuitive about not being unable to find the space and time for solitude at a literary festival of all places. Most readers, whether they are extroverts, introverts or somewhere in between, love books and reading because of the time they give them to enjoy their own company. I know you're volunteering, but helping to set out chairs for the event with a writer (especially one you like) isn't the same as being bounced into providing facilities and childcare for Agnes and her DD. Several people have offered very plain, clear, scripts for handling this situation, unadorned with apologies, qualifications and hints about coffee and I'd go for one of them. Whether consciously or not (and it doesn't really matter either way) Agnes sounds like the mouse who gets a cookie. Don't offer anything and you may not have to spend the week fending her off.

Yes this.

Sorry OP but she's not "cheery and outgoing" she's a sly fucker who's using you because you give her a break with her child. And that's not what your holiday is for. But unfortunately probably the only way she'll get time to herself, and that's her priority, so she's not letting you get away without a fight...

I was in a single mums group about 15yrs ago and we had one like this, and boy did it piss the rest of us off. We all get it, it's hard doing everything yourself, but you don't just force yourself on another adult to take some of your parenting duties. That's what the eating meals with her child is, someone else to engage, supervise, meal prep, clean up. That's what the surprise babysitting where she's so entitled that she's already paid for the ticket, certain you'll be looking after her kid. She's making you a stand in parent. You need to be very clear that this is your lone time away from your DH and DC.

@Craquedechevalier I’m glad you’re going to have direct conversation. If it helps at all I have used similar with good effect.

I go on a sailing trip once a year, it’s a unique experience (not a big cruise ship) I’m happy to tell people about it and get them to the website. But I always make sure to say “Yes, it’s a great experience there are 11 boats to choose from. Have a look if you’re interested and I’ll answer any questions. But you can’t choose Boat X on week Y. That’s my time to get away from everything. Nobody but my DH is welcome from my everyday world!”

I usually get a laugh and a “yeah, I can understand that!”

You are a kind and generous person, OP. It shows when you won't even countenance on here that your colleague is indeed a cheeky fucker (which she most certainly is). I think it's wise you've decided to highlight to her in advance that you don't want a repeat of last year. Good luck!

@Craquedechevalier if explain this is your week of “you “ time no plans no company “unlesd you choose “ and definitely no kids.
Say you are really sorry but the week she has planned for her and her Dd is not how you plan your week .
Say you plan on doing your own thing this years like every other year for the last 20 .

She is the cheeky one nothing you can say could trump her .

Have a chat before the event and say, 'It was a shame how miserable it was for you last year, I'm so pleased to see you are much better prepared this time. I'm glad I could help you out last year but it did rather disrupt my plans, and I must get back in the swing of things this year so I'm not going to be so available this time, what with doing my volunteering and fitting in all the other things I want to do, I really won't have much spare time for anything else. Do remember to take lots of warm clothes and have a lovely time, perhaps we might fit in a coffee one day.' You could throw in how sorry you were for them and you felt obliged to help a colleague, etc.

What would you say if they did book it?

I'm just curious. I'm an introvert and I would be enraged, but some people would do that.

It sounds like you'll have to be direct but pleasant as you'll still be colleagues. You could say, 'I enjoyed helping you both out last year when you were new to it all, but this year I need to prioritise my me-time, so I won't be available to hang out. Hope you and dd have a great time now you've got camping figured out! Maybe see you around.'
I would also buy some reflective stuff for the camper windows- where you can still see out but people can't see in. If she still knocks in you could say you're practising mediation and can't be disturbed. If all else fails you'll have to just say, 'no, that doesn't work for me.'

*meditation

This
excuses are just digging a hole of lies, and will catch you out

I’d be asking her if we can we meet up for a coffee in next few days (not at work) or a pub. A neutral public space so neither of you can loose your shit,

buy her a drink, then sit down and say up front that you want to talk to her about something that is making you quite stressed, and is a difficult conversation for you to have with her. Say it’s about the festival, and her comments to you.

thenckick off by Ask her first about what she wants to get form attending the festival- why is she going. If she’s genuinely interest3d in festival , say encouraging things, if she frames it in context of your company, say nothing, just mirror back to her what you hear for clarification.

Then say I’d now like to tell you why I go…. Emphasise that you are an introvert (even if you don’t seem that way to her) and that this it is your time to get into your headspace, recharge away form family and friends, and do exactly as you please when you please, even if that’s hiding your caravan shut away like a hermit.

depedning on reason she gave for her attending, then say you feel that her plans involving you, of socialising with you, are therefore creating a problem for you. You don’t want to be rude, and indeed want to be seen as kind, and therefore sometimes have a hard time saying no. However, you feel she appears to have formed the wrong impression of why you go to this festival and without your family, and that her remarks about spending time together again have alarmed you. Say that you found it very difficult to say no last year, and being forced into company, giving up your time to do what you wanted, especially feeling pressured into babysitting by her buying a ticket based on assuming you’d babysit.
by end of holiday, you felt it had been spoilt, you hadn’t enjoyed it. You ended up feeling you had wasted your precious break and was frustrated.
Make sure you say it not aimed at her. In other times and places you like her company. But not on this holiday.
ask her then if she understands this

hopefully she’ll realise what she’s done, and apologies and back off and reassure you they’ll not intrude at all

However If she debates and tries to persuade you otherwise, then you say clearly, these are my boundaries, i will not be spending time with you at all, and that you expect her to respect your boundary by not “calling in” to your caravan at any time. Explain again that it is your sanctuary and retreat away from others, and you don’t want to spoil your time away like last year

frame everything in sentences of “I”, I feel , I think, I want, I will…..NOT “you”. Dont say: you mustn’t, you shouldn’t, you need to.

Apologise at the end, say you hope she understands, or if she has then recognise and say you appreciate her respected you. State agian that you wanted to lay out your issue before you both arrive and in the heat of the moment it becomes more awkward.

Then, when you go reinforce your boundaries whilst at festival. Say hello, be polite with a few bland “are you having a good time” but pass on quickly, don’t agree to any drink. At all. Don5 share meals. This year,at least, you need a very firm boundary. Don’t let her step foot in the caravan, don’t take pity on tents blowing away, or ice storms. But maintain those boundaries with any one else you know there as well. Ram message home with her .

if sh3cpresists in going in future years after that, you can perhaps share a drink or takeaway one evening…but keep boundaries clear.

Do it now!
Send her a WhatsApp today. Immediately

'Hi - re the festival, I won't be up for any babysitting or catching up.
This is my only chance for some 'me time'.
I'm sure you'll have a fab time - and we can catch up afterwards back at work.'

If you can't send that- then I will on your behalf.
You need to stop being a wet lettuce. Be firm but fair.