Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP, you’ve had some great advice from posters and hope you can get her to back off as this would be my nightmare.

I even hate it when I get on the train and think I have 20 mins of nothing time and then I’m spotted by someone I know. I am quite a social chatty person but if I’ve planned ‘me’ time - then that’s what I want it to be and I’m not shy about saying that. And OP, you’ve been looking forward to this all year; you deserve to enjoy it how you see fit.

I’d buy giant headphones and where them so you don’t hear her?

im a people pleaser too so wouldn’t be brave enough for a lot of these suggestions but headphones even with nothing on are surprisingly good deterrents and then if you do see her through the window just wave but don’t stand up

I was planning to do both. Tell 'Agnes' directly and also brief Jane (who's in the same department as Agnes) about the situation so that if Agnes says anything Jane can say casually 'Perhaps you weren't aware, but Craque goes to Hay [yes, it's the Hay Festival] in order to spend time alone and take a break from having to socialise and look after people. She's a miserable old bugger.'

Ha, I used to hide behind an advertising hoarding if a lovely but very chatty woman was getting the same train into town in the morning and I saw her on the platform. I needed to psych myself up before work, not listen to her.

I'm the very same.
DH and I used to love cruises when we had no DC as they were a great way to see lots of different places and our friends who also loved cruising were bewildered that we'd come home with no new friends. We'd be nice and polite but loved our own free time and catching up on reading

Sorry, my point being (in the post above), she may not realise or have considered that she is imposing. She may well assume that you'd enjoy having company, as that is what she (and lots of other people) would prefer.
I think you'll have to explain it to her.

No is a really important word to have in your vocabulary. Use it.

Can totally understand how you got into this situation, especially since you work with her. I wonder if you could say you’re planning to use the time to study for a course, or something else which requires focus? Also, I’ve always wanted to volunteer there!

I like this:

Hi colleague, just wanted to clarify a few things re the half term event. I won't be available for hosting in my van at all this year so giving you the heads up to be ready for all weather eventualities, just in case. I am aiming to use this week as my annual 'alone' time, when I can come and go as I please with nobody to have to look out for and hours of blessed silence to read and do nothing in gaps between volunteering. As lovely as it was to see you last time, I didn't get my annual dose of solitude and I really missed it. It really is important to me to have this time to myself every year. Let's grab a coffee at the festival if I see you, but apart from that I won't be available. Hope you have a wonderful time.

it’s clear but not rude or even unkind. You could soften it by adding a line like, “I have used this festival week as a chance to be on my own- no husband, no kids, no friends- for years, and I find that I really need it for my mental health and well-being as the rest of my life is so full-on” but I don’t think it needs additions really.

Wow! I can't believe the cheek of some people and I'm annoyed on your behalf OP! I'd seriously consider changing to a different camp site if I could. If not you need to get a stock of excuses ranging from "I'm just going for a nap" to "I don't have extra food, I just bought enough for me". Start prepping her up early, talk about how busy you'll be catching up with old friends, volunteering and "me time", I actually think I'd flip at some stage and snap "For god's sake leave me alone!"

Good point

@Craquedechevalier can you change campsite?

Honestly, I really do feel for you... But people like this do NOT respond to 'I want time alone' because they think 'Oh, but not from little old Me, I'm different!' Or they know damn well you want to be alone, and don't care because they have a sweet deal.

Can you say you're staying with a friend? Or a friend is staying with you?

If all else fails, when she knocks the door, do that old 'pretend to stand smooching in a corner' thing where you wrap your arms around yourself and pretend-cuddle your own back...

Or answer the door naked.

You have clearly never spent a week in a small camper van full of wet gear.

Or perhaps just go for the brazen:

Hello Jane, hope you’re looking forward to the festival! Just a heads up that I won’t be opening my van up to visitors again this year because it got a bit much last year and I’m going to be using it as a base for my annual retreat. I also won’t be available for babysitting. See you there if not before, looking forward to Ian McEwan on the Thursday!

Yes I understood what you meant...but I don't think it's necessary. It's a sensitive issue that doesn't need a third party to be involved in, to resolve. Don't give someone else a script to chip in with. It only has the potential to further offend.
Just be honest with your work pal, it's your only option. Keep the exchange between the two of you.

Ugh, I feel your pain @Craquedechevalier I hope you find a way of politely but firmly refusing to be her dogsbody-come-host.

I think I'd always be rushing out, or not feeling well, or needing to get on with some work whenever I saw her.

And absolutely NO! to the baby sitting.

You're very kind about her, but this kind of intrusion is borderline rudeness. You were very polite - it's probably time to be more blunt. That's difficult, I know.

This would work on a normal person, but is way too soft for the level of cheeky fuckery you are dealing with.

She won’t pay any notice to it at all.

I think with people like this you have to be quite blunt and say ahead of time ‘I’m not going to be your chef/waitress/babysitter so don’t expect it, I need time on my own, that’s why I go on my own’

I have a friend a bit like this who just genuinely can’t understand why anyone would want to be on their own, she probably thinks she’s doing you a favour by keeping you company!

No true I haven't and wouldn't like to.

You'll have to just tell her then.

I don't think it's borderline rudeness. I think it's total rudeness and a clear expression of boundaries and expectations is the only way to deal with people like her.

This. Kill the whole notion before you get there.

Don’t be afraid to be firm or to say no. She is clearly very pushing and is absolutely a CF (sorry, I don’t buy your kind view of her breezy positivity - she dumped her young child with a virtual stranger as a fait accompli).

If you don’t speak up she will trample all over you and your plans and space. Again.

Your reply.
“ After the way you took advantage of my hospitality last year I won’t be socialising with you and your daughter again this year. “

Id also drop in that it's time to get away from kids

Sounds amazing op!
I agree with the warning her now.