Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

I will never understand these types of people who impose themselves on others with absolutely no self awareness of how rude they are.

OP didn't try to do a nice thing. She found herself unable to speak up over a period of many days as she was repeatedly imposed upon, and used by this woman - as laid out in her OP.

But when others pointed out that the behaviours of this aquaintance-level work colleague were in fact those of what is commonly known on MN as CF, she lost a sprocket, got on her high horse and told them they were all heartless meanies.

The more people play this merciless cheeky fucker number, the more sympathetic I feel towards my colleague's situation. There's a halfway spot between cheeky fuckery and complete independence — one in which a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own, but underestimated how hard it is to stay warm and keep her daughter occupied for the week and sought support from me in my nice warm van.

I may be someone who likes my own company but I'm not a selfish arsehole who tells a shivering child to fuck off.

This lonely brave plucky single mother with her shivering child is now not the CF so clearly described in the OP. And the OP is absolutely not the person who seethed and worried and tried to fend them off and ringfence some downtime in her van for her own needs, and has trouble speaking up.

Nothing about being a lonely brave plucky single mother a little out of her depth camping with a child suggests there is a requirement that goes along with that to repeatedly sponge off someone else's food, and hence money, and then time with the expectation - OP being "voluntold" - of a night's babysitting thrown in.

But now we are all harpies for pointing out the obvious...

To be fair, she may be backtracking now that people have pointed out this thread has got into the papers. She has to work with this woman so may have decided to change tack and say it isn't a problem after all and she understands why the woman behaved as she did last year.

Oo this is awkward 🫩

You didn't mention the fudge shop? Please tell me that the fudge shop is still there!

Yes there is a difference in 'what a coincidence we just happen to be at the same place' and 'I am going to join your holiday'

Enjoy your break OP. Fwiw i think you are a very kind woman and you have probably helped this family more than you know. I suspect you really made their summer. People are rather vicious in some of their responses to your situation. I'd say your piece but consider if you want to offer a specific evening meal/whatever suits you towards the end of the week by means of an olive branch to this likely lonely woman who I expect does count you as a friend even if you don't particularly. Cue rabid responses and why should yous etc from the crowd - of course you don't have to and are not obliged, but it's ok to be kind and generous sometimes

Tell her you’ve got that awful flu and can only just about manage your volunteering and will be sleeping/saving energy the rest of the time. If she sees you merrily chatting to other people maybe she’ll get the hint, or you can just confide in her saying “all these people keep trying to chat but I’m just so shattered- lol, you know what it’s like” etc

I like that one. OP might mention something like “but I could make time for you once. How about lunch on Friday”?

that way OP won’t completely reject her but also ensure that there is one fixed event.

anyhow. OP: you sound like a lovely person. Which means that you need time to recharge so you can continue being that lovely person!

I hope you’ll have a great time at the festival and wish you good luck with your colleague!

This would piss me off to no end. I have a really busy job working with people and a really big family too. Now that I’m older with grandkids and inlaws and extended family, I absolutely treasure my me time when I can get it.

I wouldn’t be polite about it and make excuses saying I’m busy etc. I would just politely and kindly say to her, ‘I’m really happy for you that you’ve booked this holiday but I won’t be able to meet up with you at all this time. I go to spend time alone and even leave my DH & DC behind so I really can’t spend the time socialising with anyone else. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend but it’s my time alone so I just thought I’d let you know that I’m not too keen on hanging around. I hope you’ll find some new friends there. I’ll see you when we get back. Hope you have a nice time.’

If she gets offended give her the it’s me not you speech. If she still turns up at your door then don’t answer. Whatever you do, for god’s sake don’t be a mug providing free childcare for her!

You sound insufferable and far too over invested. Maybe op had a change of heart based on some of the insane comments here. I agree that the colleague sounds a bit grabby, I also believe she is a single mum struggling a bit. Both can be true.

Op sounds kind and intelligent. I know who I’d rather be like on this thread.

Thank you for your kind assessment. You sound sopping wet.

This ^^^^
OP paints her as a great CF, then backtracks and changes the tune to "oh she just thinks I'm a lonely older woman" and "oh she's just a sweet struggling single mum" .... And gets cross with posters trying to help 🤣🤣🤣

You need to tell her ahead of time that this is your alone time and you specifically book it to be alone and do your own thing. You don’t want to be rude, but you will not be available for entertaining babysitting or visits. You want to be on your own reading or working while in your van and want to go out and do your own thing in your own time. That’s the whole point of this week for you, it is not a social affair.

If she presses you tell her you were being polite last year but it changed the vibe completely for you and it wasn’t the experience you set out to have. If she wants to go to a camping festival she needs to learn to be self sufficient.

Hilarious 😆😆😆

I was about to suggest putting up some curtains round the entire van, including the windscreen, as many campers do.

If she knocks, just keep quiet and ignore, hopefully they will eventually give up.

This would drive me nuts!

I would not categorise this as 'backtracking', @MoodyMargaret11 - I suspect that @Craquedechevalier is a kind person who is worried about upsetting a colleague, and also about a possible backlash at work. I don't think someone can go from being someone others can easily take advantage of, to someone with firm boundaries who insists others respect them, in the blink of an eye. I suspect it is a difficult learning curve, and there will be steps backwards as well as forwards.

@Craquedechevalier needs to hear that she has every right to have boundaries, and to enforce them - politely but firmly, of course. Flaming her for having doubts won't help, imo.

I don't think someone can go from being someone others can easily take advantage of, to someone with firm boundaries who insists others respect them, in the blink of an eye. I suspect it is a difficult learning curve, and there will be steps backwards as well as forwards.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thank you, dear, for letting me know I'm allowed boundaries. I'd never have known. 🙄 Seriously, did you mean to be so patronising?

I think then if you are quite capable you need to kindly put your boundaries in place, as I said above. Firmly say this is “you” time you like to spend alone. If you want to, say you can meet for ONE lunch/coffee in the week but the rest of the time is for you and she will have to fend for herself this time.

@Craquedechevalier - I am truly sorry - I had no intention to be patronising - I was trying to say that we should be encouraging and supporting you, rather than flaming you or accusing you of backtracking. I worded it badly.

Gosh, the way things have been going on this thread I wasn't expecting such a gracious apology. I really appreciate your acknowledgement. Thank you.

@Craquedechevalier good luck in being assertive to your colleague about her expectations.

I think I'm overly invested in this thread, because I recognise the politeness, the mixture of care and resentment, in your OP. I would have found it difficult - impossible - to do other than you did as well! All the while I would have been resentful of being intruded upon.

So I hope you can manage her expectations and not feel guilty. Have a fabulous time - I've never been to Hay, as it always coincides with the busiest time of the university summer term (marking & exam boards).

THAT'S what I was trying to say, in my cack handed way, @LittleBigHead.

I don't think people are talking about the first time. They already referenced what you described about the last time she turned up and are now saying that this time you need to be firmer. And you do.

I didn’t read your post as patronising@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGeniusfor what it’s worth, I thought you were actually standing up for OP and reiterating that it’s not easy for everyone to be abrupt when asserting boundaries. I thought you just sounded like a nice person trying to make her feel a bit less rubbish about the less nice messages she had from others!