Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

@Craquedechevalier Hope you enjoy the holiday… can I impose a request (I promise no sad face in your van 🚐 window 🥺)

I’ve become strangely invested in the situation you’ve found yourself in with Agnes, Can you please give us an update after your chat? 🙏🙏🙏

I had read that comment, actually, but unlike you, apparently, I don’t memorise the usernames for every post I read.

The advice @Craquedechevalier said she would follow was very similar in tone to your earlier post. So I don’t understand why you then suggested that "it seems you don’t want a resolution then", simply because she made it clear she did not want to tell a colleague to fuck off because she doesn’t want to treat people like that.

Just read the thread @Fingernailbiter but you wouldn’t want to do that as you’d have nothing to argue about.

I don't know about the "lonely woman" narrative when it comes to your colleague. If this was someone you didn't know at the festival, I see where it could seem this way. You arrive alone and spend a lot of time on your own. But this is a colleague who knows you have a family.

In her shoes, if the trip was something I truly wanted to do, I'd have made sure NOT to book my spot near yours and, if I ran into you, offered to meet up IF you wanted to and then left the ball in your court.

yes please, this!

I've done similar festival volunteering to yourself, OP, and I have always really enjoyed the week or whatever camping by myself, and just socialising when I wanted to. I could easily put myself in your position in your story so I'm quite invested in how this is going to turn out.

It is funny how some people think that doing something alone = lonely.

Oh but I meant to add: it's good that you're going to have a clear word with her, because I imagine she's basing her evening entertainment options around your presence, either as babysitter or just general place to spend time. She needs to plan what she's going to do without you. She needs to bring her own cooker for a start, both for cups of tea and for making small hot water bottles in the evening. No excuses this time!

I do this with a friend, but in hotels with rooms that have nice sitting areas in them. We sit and stitch with something we both like on the television. Four days and three nights of eating what we like when we like. Sleeping when we want, no one else to take care of. We're both retirement age now and have adult disabled (though easy to care for) children. Our husbands are also retired, so home all the time. We chat, of course, but a lot of the bigger conversations happen over meals and we stitch in companionable silence a fair amount of the time.

This year, we got a great deal on a 2-bedroom suite so we each have our own bedroom. We wish we could stay longer!

For those whom have difficulty with the concept of a cheeky fxxker and how to spot them, let me give you MY quick box ticking that gets them immediately put in that class of person.

ANYONE who asks something of ME and refuses to accept, "that doesn't suit me", "no thank you", "that won't work for me" and then proceeds to push back against it and ask again, or in a different way, arguing the point etc.

They are instantly labelled CF and have to be very firmly told No, ignored completely if by text, phone calls ignored too.
I will then actively avoid them generally and not care if it is obvious.

This women is a complete CF whom has an agenda and is determined to get what she wants.

She's not the least bit lovely, just another CF who has landed right where she wants to be, next to a doormat whom she can use.

I find it hilarious on MN how often these types are labelled just "oblivious"🤣.
Oblivious my arse.

@Streaaa well said! Or those who want to view the CF as a poor pitiful needy single mother to satisfy their own saviour complex!

Probably the sort who doesn’t think it’s okay for older women on their own to be exploited for childcare and refreshments when a single mum she barely knows decides to go on a jolly.

OP there’s so much in your posts that suggest you don’t prioritise yourself much. Why are you describing her as a lonely single mum when you’ve said she’s sociable and outgoing and that she has lots of help from her family?

You’re also painting this as though the “Fuck off” suggestion is an abrupt response to a tentative request for needed assistance. But that’s not what people are saying. It’s being suggested as a line in the sand only after you have made several increasingly clear requests for your own holiday to be respected. That’s one of the big reasons people are saying you need to be very clear now. Because if she is intending to rely on you again, it’s much better that she knows in time to make whatever choices she needs to to be able to cope without doing so.

I understand the not wanting to turn her away last year when it seemed she’d just under estimated what camping with her DD would be like. But her babysitting request shows that that wasn’t the limit of her presumption. She wasn’t just struggling and using you to paper over the cracks she hadn’t anticipated. She’s just following the patriarchal assumption that women you have only the most tentative connections to can be used for caregiving. And you fell into the role. She exploited your generosity. There’s nothing feminist in putting up with that.

I think the reference to feminism is because the poster would said they would tell the single parent to “f*ck off” has the user name feministwoman, in case you missed that.

As a single mum, I just want to say thanks saying this.

It is bloody hard, and there are definitely times when I’ve underestimated how difficult something’s going to be. There have probably also been times when I leaned too much on someone without realising it was becoming a problem.

Its a difficult balance to strike because, as you say, most people aren’t dicks and do genuinely want to help out a bit if they see someone else struggling.

Hopefully you make it work better this year and there’s a way for you to give her a bit of a boost of confidence without it spoiling your whole week.

I’ve read the thread and have no idea what you’re talking about.

No I really wouldn’t call that bullying. You muppet

I can just see it now- please help a lady I work with and her young child knocked on my door and, and…… asked me for hot chocolate 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

You have presumably got time to advise the colleague that you will not have any free time this year and then say you are telling her so she can cancel if needs be .You could also say when you are free you need time to rest which means things will be different for you this year. Just tell her you need to volunteer for more hours than last year .This way you will have advised of changes before she gets there and will hopefully leave you alone.

Sounds great..and I know where to go for hot chocolate and pasta 🤣

just kidding. I’ll be north of the border. Hope you find your words and she is accepting without feeling hurt, because it seems you were a major reason for her going there last year and repeating the experience.

Yes, and again, my "tell her to "do fuck off dear" " comment was third on the list after my first two "just say No" suggestions.

My username is irrelevant to this issue, as is anyone else's username. Not sure why the OP has dragged it into the discussion.

OP you've had some good advice and I definitely think you need to manage her expectations by telling her you're hoping to have some "me time" or alone time or however you want to put it. I'd find it really difficult having someone in my personal space especially in a camper van if I'd planned a solo trip. It's nice you have sympathy for this woman as a single mum but it's not your responsibility to make her holiday easier or to babysit for her. It's actually very cheeky to make plans and then tell someone afterwards that you'd banked on them babysitting especially as you don't seem to be close.

When they see you and head over I’d just tell them you’re tired and want to be alone with your book!..
mits so hard though… as a people pleaser myself I struggle to say no/set boundaries..
could you take a thermos and when they knock tell them you’ll fill a thermos and bring it over to their tent!!

@Craquedechevalier I hope you manage to resolve this in a way that ensures your needs are met and you feel comfortable.

Best wishes.

Op tried to do a nice thing. She is now struggling a bit with boundaries because it’s a colleague - a tricky dynamic to be frank in given that it’s primarily a professional relationship and she doesn’t want to cause offence. And probably also because she seems like a caring person who genuinely wants to help, just not at the expense of her own downtime.

Only on AIBU would she receive such pointlessly horrible comments. This place can be a real cesspit and I’d urge some of you to try and be a bit more like the op rather than bitter, vindictive twats.

I am so very invested in this thread OP, as
(a) an introvert who desperately needs alone time
(b) a bookworm who once made the foolish mistake of inviting a non-reading chatterbox to join my book club. (She completely dominated it, talking about everything other than books and ruining a group that had been so perfect. We ended up disbanding and stealthily reforming without her).
(c) an experienced camper who has had holidays ruined by camping with lazy people incapable of boiling a kettle.

Your week in a camper van at a literary festival sounds utterly glorious, soul-replenishing and special. Protect it with all your might!