Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

There's nothing bad or cheeky about this mum and her daughter.
Seriously? Turns up at unsociable hours or around mealtimes, lets her child ask for drinks, eyes up the food until the OP feels guilted into cooking for them, never contributes as much as a grocery shop or a takeaway, asks the OP to look after her daughter as a fait accompli for something she's already bought a ticket for…

Would you do things like that? Do you think they're not 'bad' or 'cheeky' things to do?

That's quite some back tracking you've done there OP!

@Craquedechevalier just so you know this has made it onto my FB feed - never seen that with mumsnet before but it appears they have a page (which I don't follow) and some posts are featured on there. So it's potentially a bit more public

Thank you for this. I posted in annoyance on Saturday, seeing only the negative side of things. Some of the responses have been so insane and so wide of the mark they pinged me back to a more measured reality.

I think I said on the first page or two that I fully intended to talk to my colleague about this, so it's quite bizarre to be accused on page 27 of refusing to confront the situation... Hey-ho. I am now actually going to leave this thread. It's a glorious day and I'm taking the dog for a lovely long walk.

If anyone here ends up in Hay as a result of this thread I wish you a good time. It's a very comfortable and civilised place for women to gather, together and on their own. There are great art galleries and antiques places as well as good pubs, restaurants, cafes and bookshops in the town and all in all it's a beautiful place to spend a few days in early summer, with friends or on your own. Do go it it appeals.

It’s a really fascinating dilemma, that’s why it’s caught on. I think we can all relate to it in some way, either as the put upon or the one putting upon. And I’ve definitely met the “cheery” type before. Hopefully the single mum will respond well to a kind forewarning. The babysitting request after she’s already bought a ticket would harden my heart. And if she can afford to take a chance like that she can afford a token of thanks. Hopefully the weather will be good this year.

Tell her that it’s great she’s invested in better camping equipment, because that way you can enjoy your own space without feeling rude about asking them to leave.

well no I wouldn't unless absolutely driven to it, but I wouldn't have put myself in that position in the first place! and also this
OP, you’re the one who painted this woman as a cheeky fucker. What else did you mean when you said things like below? The language you use to describe her is not that of someone sympathising with ‘a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own’.
She would ‘eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty.’
Or ‘the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm.’
And ‘I'd be prepping dinner and 'help' me while they had a cup of hot chocolate. And when I'm just cooking pasta and throwing in some sauce, and there's a hungry little girl watching and her mum doesn't appear to have plans for their dinner...’

I do wonder a bit if the OP doesn't want to see herself as a sucker so has reframed the narrative? Her OP doesn't describe a rather brave single mother.

Maybe spread some books on your table, and a laptop, and just say “sorry, busy” and leave it at that.

This is perfect

OP you said you didn’t invite her in but if someone turns up at your door and you don’t stop them coming in, then if they are presumptious they will take that as an invitation. I would practise how you are going to handle the situation in advance. I would suggest standing in front of the doorway exchanging a few pleasantries and then saying you’ve got to get back to [your book, your work, your dinner etc] and hope they enjoy the rest of the day. If she asks to come in for something then prepare how you will deal with that. I would recommend not letting them in at all unless you’ve decided on that occasion to actually spend time with them because it will be hard to get them out again!

It’s good you are addressing the situation in advance because she may well be expecting to lean on you for resources which in practice also means your time and you are obviously a caring person so you don’t want to see her or her DS uncomfortable so they need to know in advance they won’t be able to rely on you.

As someone who has done a lot of volunteering at events both as a volunteer and supervising teams of people I know how exhausted I feel after each session has finished. OP, I really hope you are able to speak to your colleague and help her understand your need for solitude when 'off duty'. I hope you will come back to this thread and update us all after Hay and by that I mean tell us how the volunteering went, how many books you read and whether you met any interesting authors.

Good luck! Please let us know how the chat goes - hopefully your colleague will be fully understanding.
Have a brilliant time!

I wouldn't tell her to fuck off, now, but I don't think I'd be able to hide that I was not happy with her booking it again. Nor should you. I'd say "I'm surprised you booked it again after last year! I'll be busy volunteering so won't see you much but perhaps we could meet up for lunch one day?"

I've read all your posts OP, and am glad that you'll have a quiet word with her. I see the dilemma: it's hard to turn people away when they're not prepared for the weather (I'm a seasoned camper and it's no bloody joke camping when it's cold/wet/windy and you don't have the right gear), but also shit when your own time is encroached upon. I totally understand the need for solitude and peace (I'm the same)! Hopefully your colleague will prepare better for camping this year and will be more confident. Normally, it takes a trip to figure it out!!

Also, after reading your posts, I also looked up the Hay Festival (looks amazing!). I have just bought my first camper van (I'm future proofing for when I'm too old to be able to put up my giant tent!). Once the van is done up and sorted, I think I'll look at doing this festival next year (maybe with my DC - I'm a single mum - or maybe with some of my female friends). I'm sticking to local (SE) stuff this year whilst I get van sorted.

Very difficult situation. Hope you manage to have the conversation. Setting some boundaries sounds key:
-I purposely go to this festival on my own, have chosen to do so for more than 10 years.
-I like to spend time on my own to read, recuperate, recharge.
-Let’s have breakfast/supper/lunch together on this day the rest of the week I would like to be on my own.
-I am not available for babysitting duties.
-Have you thought about the glamping options so you can stay warm and dry as I will not be able to host you this year.
-Please don’t just appear at my door without prior arrangement as I might be reading, sleeping or not want to be disturbed.

Failing all that install some net curtains in your van so they can’t see if you are there but you can still have daylight if you are there!

Masses of luck with the conversation and I hope you have a wonderful week when you go.

I would think a good friend saying sorry but this is MY time, perfectly acceptable.
That a colleague you are not friendly with would be so entitled as to presume she and her child can impose on you, is extraordinary.

All these suggestions to meet for lunch or coffee?
Like why?
OP doesn't have coffee with her in work, why would she do it on holidays.
I just don't get it.

I kind of assumed they were friends as well as colleagues from the OP. I assumed no-one would spend that much time with or babysit for someone who was only an acquaintance.

Just to point out, for those who have not seen my original post.

I did not suggest going straight to telling the colleague to "fuck off" That would be rude and unnecessary.

I said

" I'd first say "no I can't do that"

Then I'd say "I've told you NO"

Then I'd be into "just fuck off dear". "

Why the pussy footing around - what is wrong with people - you know what you have to do - stand up for yourself. Why do people have so much trouble saying NO! Its my default!!!!

I agree about mixed messaging. Even if the colleague is doing this in all innocence ( I doubt it, I think she's entitled and thinks its no skin off your nose to help her) I really do think she falls into the "Give them an inch and they'll take a mile".

So saying "I can't be disturbed" and then arranging coffee meetings or setting times when she can come over in the evening.. is just opening another chink for her to pry her way in. "Oh I know we weren't supposed to come until tomorrow but its really raining and child is so keen to see your cosy camper van again. I promise we wont stop you reading/relaxing."

If you do meet for coffee, it could turn into a guilt tripping event.

One of the reasons things like this make me so mad is that even if the person's motives are completely pure and innocent, the stress this generates through dreading/worrying about it in advance is so punishing on your peace of mind..

One ends up working out so many different ways of saying please stop doing this or just leave me alone without causing offence, in advance, constantly thinking of how to bow out gracefully.

You used to look forward to your one week's escape and looking forward to something is half the fun. Colleague has infiltrated your headspace on that too.
No one should push they way into putting you in this position as if their needs and wants on your time and hospitalitiy are worth so much more than your own.

yes that would be pretty much my approach

I think it’s really interesting how self perceptions really play a part in the social miscommunications played out in the OP’s scenario.

The OP perceives her colleague to be a struggling single mother who against all odds is fighting to enrich her child’s life against all the slings & arrows that can come her way, not excluding the adversities of bad weather, unpreparedness & basic camping equipment at Hay Festival.

She’s unconsciously viewing the colleague in a position of vulnerability relative to herself. It’s kind & supportive of her but ensures her feeling of security & a degree of social dominance or superiority over said colleague who is struggling & fighting to stay afloat as a single mum.

Colleague /single mum perceives herself to be a young, vibrant, single parent, doing the best she can for her child, with what she has & perceives the OP to be a slightly sad, older, eccentric lady (for wanting to go alone to literary festivals). That she spends her holidays volunteering & alone makes the OP think she must be a bit lonely & in need of company. She also has lots of necessities & comforts that she has not thought about bringing to a festival & is very generous with offers of shelter /hot food & drink, every time her & her child have popped in to see her. This makes her feel that she’s helping out this poor colleague who clearly is a bit desperate for some company.

This makes her feel good & secure & in relative superiority & dominance over said lady who seems only too grateful for some more time spent with her daughter & herself next time (which is made all the more enjoyable by the delicious hot chocolate she always gives out). If it were anyone else she would feel like she’s imposing but because this colleague is working at the festival, providing support to attendees and a service, colleague doesn’t feel she’s imposing in any way. Nor does she feel that a quick hand written note of thanks or an inexpensive box of chocolates next time she saw her at work were warranted, & if anything it should be the other way round! If she & her daughter hadn’t popped round so much, she’d have been really lonely & miserable. She seems desperate to play a role & if this is what gives her a purpose, she’s not going to stand in the way of it. She did worry if was ok to go round every meal time but OP wouldn’t hear anything different so colleague was glad she enjoyed her & her daughter’s company so much.

That's extremely generous view of colleagues motivation.
I'm pretty sure that OP did'n't just cave completely at the first fence and that she did say politely several times she came to the festival for peace and quiet and that the colleague just pushed through all that.
She came up to the OP and told her she'd already booked again for this year, this time in the same camping area as OP and stated she expected meet up and share time again. There was no asking OP first, only telling. She'd already told all the other colleagues at OP's work of her plans and expectations, but not OP, so that OP is hearing how essential she, and her campervan, supplies, hosting and babysitting were to the Colleagues happiness on this trip. Thereby making the OP's ability to deny her this time, even harder.

That demonstrates that she's never considered how the OP might feel about it which is either blinkered or obtuse but not necessarily innocent.

Definitely this I’m sorry to say. She’s seen what ‘nice & accommodating’ has resulted in - and the same thing 1 year later!! It essentially involves being considerate to people who don’t give a flying fk / walk all over you - what this colleague is doing is insane and the OP is ‘allowing’ it! 🫠