Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Yikes. She's only going again because you made it more bearable for her last time. 😬

Why is it pointless? She's literally said she's going to take one of the early poster's (wise, balanced) advice and has a plan to talk to the colleague face to face when she's back at work, taking some of the feedback on board.

Just because she's not doing exactly what some of the more extreme people on here want her to do, doesn't remotely mean that the thread is pointless at all. OP has been generally pleasant and has even helped interest people with info on Hay. She doesn't have to agree with everyone or go to maximum measures.

I'm sorry I mortally offended you by calling you a wet lettuce. FYI, I am one of the least assertive people on the planet, so any advice or observations I offer in this instance have been hardwon over decades.

It is astonishing you are putting this much energy and dare I say venom into reacting to my read of what you have laid out clearly in this thread, but - absolutely not a wet lettuce - you did not manage to speak up, set a boundary, or get your needs met on any day or evening of your last "holiday".

But surely she isn't really lonely is she? You have spoken about her large and very close family so she isn't alone without support.

You wouldn't be telling her to fuck off, you'd be telling her that you use this volunteer week for alone time from your own DH and children to re-charge your batteries and decompress.

You are upset and the situation is ruining the time when you would be really looking forward to your holiday as well as ruining the holiday itself.

You can be clear and direct without being unkind. It is more awkward because she is a colleague, not a close friend, but the fact that you aren't close friends makes her actions seem even more cheeky and entitled.

Agreed. OP spent most of the thread painting her colleague as a cheeky fucker and then gets angry when everyone agrees she’s a cheeky fucker.

Yes I too would have sympathised the first time round. She obviously struggled then. But she’s chosen to go again this time- expecting your help yet again.

And in you op you specifically asked how to say to her ‘your not doing it again’ and that you were relieved she left a day early.
now she’s not a cf but some damsel in distress and you feel sorry for here. Jesus op delete the thread. Did you just want people to tell you you were a hero?

I used the term 'wet lettuce' as well. I don't think it's unkind in this context. OP has wasted days dithering, when a firm but short response saying NO would have nipped this in the bud.

@Craquedechevalier it seems you don’t want a resolution then. When you put it like that. It’s too difficult for you to do. If you’re looking for a fib or excuse maybe you should’ve added a clause to your original question ‘direct communication about it is a no’

This

a form of bullying??? Wtf

I'm sorry I mortally offended you by calling you a wet lettuce.

No need to apologise, you didn't.

Could you come at in from another angle? Start a smoking habit so you can genuinely say ‘oh goodness no, don’t bring Sally in I’m smoking my head off!’ Even better if it’s not just tobacco. Or develop an overwhelming passion for smoked kippers? Every morning and evening. Bring an annoying dog? Plastic spiders or snakes? It’s difficult to be rude to someone you have to work with so I don’t have any better suggestions.
Your week at Hay (sans work colleague) sounds lovely though! I’m tempted to go myself as I’ve never been and the small DC are now big DC with little interest in holidaying with mother.

This suggests that OP's only possible response is to tell the woman to fuck off.

There is a middle ground of 'having a conversation'.

Oh FGS. What a ridiculous waste of time and energy, concocting random new 'habits'.

@wildflowersplease no, quite the opposite. Direct, adult conversation has been suggested to op and she interprets this as telling the woman to ‘fuck off’ which is absolutely not the same thing. Having a conversation has been suggested and she has ignored advice as she takes pity on the woman.

What?? It is quite possible, you know, to have direct communication that is neither a fib/excuse nor telling someone to fuck off.

@Craquedechevalier has already said she will follow the advice of someone who suggested a script that was truthful, direct, yet not insulting.

It's very depressing that some posters can’t see that some people are naturally courteous and want to get their point across civilly without unnecessarily upsetting someone who has meant no harm (and who is not a stranger OP will never see again, but a work colleague).

Yes, that’s a new one - develop a new carcinogenic hobby and try for an early death to escape a work colleague 😂

*Disclaimer: I suspect Sheila was being a bit tongue in cheek.

First night she turned up I’d tell I had the sh*ts and it might be contagious, last thing you want when camping.,….

Well she should crack on then and use the measured advice she has been given. There isnt much more anyone can say after 27 pages and hundreds of posts

@Fingernailbiter if you read a previous post from me you’ll see a suggestion I have already given . ‘It’s absolutely nothing personal,I hope you understand.. I love the solitude of the my time away, I hope it doesn’t leave you in a difficult situation at all’ Etc etc blah blah blah. You need to play catch up.

Having a conversation has been suggested and she has ignored advice as she takes pity on the woman.

She hasn't ignored advice and she is going to have a conversation.

And it's not OP who has filled up 27 pages. She's returned enough to not be one of those posters who vanishes, but she's said what she's going to do about it and will 'crack on' when apt. She's not seeing the woman till she's back at work and wants a face-to-face chat, which feels wise, so is under no obligation to whatsapp her now for the thread's benefit when it's not best way forward for her.

Gosh OP, you have the patience of a saint with to deal with some of these posts. Unfortunately what you need is the resolve of a soldier 🤣. There's nothing bad or cheeky about this mum and her daughter. But similarly there's nothing selfish about your plans for your time away - you are already doing volunteering work at the festival after all. This mum's travails as a single mum are not your problem to solve, despite your kind and generous nature. Wish her well but be kind to yourself too - protect your precious time. Tell her the truth - it's nothing against her or your daughter but you treasure your time away from family. Good luck and enjoy your break.

Claim to be going back to the van for/about to take a nap every time they look too interested!

Difficult to argue with or disprove, and a more socially acceptable way to demand time on your own

It's beyond rude to just turn up and expect to sit in the van with you all the time - and the babysitting is an absolute liberty! I think you will have to be firm but kind, just say that you don't mind them coming in once, but that you need the break to give you some mental headspace away from people, and you can't do that if you're hosting people and expected to sit with them. If she chucks her toys out the pram, then even better as she will be in a mardy with you and not bother you again 😆