Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

You sound like a lovely person op. Good luck with the conversation.

You charmer!

@Craquedechevalier

@pictoosh is spot on with this post. I don't believe any of the posters saying you should tell her to Fuck off or similar, would do any such thing themselves, in real life. At least I hope not.

Some good advice on here as to how to tell your colleague nicely but very firmly, what you can say to her though. I hope it goes well, and you have a lovely, peaceful week

Good luck with the chat. Hopefully she isn't thick skinned and doesn't bother you at Hay.

Yes, thank you, @pictoosh. Your input has been much appreciated. And thank you @Silvers11 for your kind wishes.

I'm a great believer in the wise words of Samuel Beckett: 'Try again, fail again, fail better.' I'll try to establish much firmer boundaries, she'll step back a bit and we'll both do a little better than last year.

Agree totally with above, but at the end of the day you will have to be firm, or it will become a form of bullying, which isn’t right.
Then enjoy your brake.

These posts annoy me a little bit. The constant annoying situation where someone has overstepped and the OP is looking for guidance because it’s distressing for them.

They want people to read their minds and telepathically act less annoying.

Take some responsibility and control as an adult and say no.

It’s very very very simple. There doesn’t need to be a play by play do rhe situation. A very simple ‘great to see you. I can’t hang out like last year as I have planned a week by myself and need to have this time alone. I’m sure you understand’ and leave it at that. Done.

I simply read your description of your experience and took you seriously:

I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

Then in successive posts you have made pleasant excuses for this behaviour.
And you are hesitant and nervous about speaking up now. So long as you view this as a "lonely" struggling "single mum" (who coincidentally cannot pick up a single social cue and hasn't heard of actually asking for a favour, just assumes she can have her night out on your dime, and ditto provides no food) you will remain ineffective in achieving your preferred way of holidaying.

It's nice you have empathy for her. Where was her empathy for and consideration of you last year? Even announcing it as a done deal this year shows zero care for you, and the obvious fact she is infringing on your thing.

Let's not pretend that your first response was intended to be helpful or nuanced. You called me a wet lettuce. Well, this wet lettuce is calling you out.

Yes indeed, how could it be helpful to call someone a wet lettuce?

It's got absolutely NOTHING to do with feminism!!

Crikey!

OFGS

What a pointless thread

Just go and take the consequences because you're not going to take anyone's advice

You're being a pushover

Own it

I stayed in an ok campsite near Hay at a place called Three Cocks. No, really.

I haven’t read the 600 odd posts op but just came on to say you sound like a really nice person and the idea of a week away in a van at a literary festival is bliss to me!

The wet lettuce comment was rude and unnecessary but you always get people who aren’t intelligent enough to form an opinion without being nasty on AIBU. I also can totally see why it’s awkward to have that conversation with a colleague. It’s not like friends or family, you need to almost retain that professionally civility and that’s why you don’t feel able to be frank with her.

My advice would be the same as pp. If she comes knocking just tell her you’re busy, fake a phone call, say you’re going for a nap but you’ll happily meet her for a coffee later/tomorrow whatever.

Last year she was new to the festival and clearly unprepared. You did a nice thing by looking after her and her dd. This year she has a much better idea about the requirements needed to comfortably camp for a week and if she fails to meet them then she really has nobody to blame but herself so please don’t take it as your responsibility to look after them.

I can easily imagine having ended up in this situation myself. You sound so lovely and helpful. I think your plan to have a conversation with her before you go is the right idea. I’d have worked out very carefully in advance what I want to say. I’d advise against getting your colleague to say something too though. No matter how casual they try to make it seem, there’s a risk it could sound like you’d been talking about this woman behind her back and that could cause drama.

I suspect if you say you want to spend time on your own, she'll smile and agree but then just keep 'popping over' to your van all the same. If I were you, I'd book a different campsite.

In seriousness though I’ve had this. I said to the person that I needed to explain in advance I would not want to socialise, because I needed the time to recharge. I set out what would happen: ‘If you knock I will feel harried and not answer, so I’d rather you didn’t… I like you and it would be fun to bump into you at the festival, but I view the campsite as a home I want to return to alone.’

I find it a very interesting thread, highlighting the sort of dilemma faced by many people trying to balance their own interests with their desire not to insult or unnecessarily upset others. OP has already said which advice she intends to take.

I know which of you sounds like a more pleasant human being.

Hmm the thing about her being 'chatty and uncomplicated' is somewhat undermined by the fact that you were cooking meals for her and her kid, and she didn't contribute so much as a can of beans. She's a CF. She'll definitely be a CF again this year because she thinks she's got a free chef and babysitter onsite, which is why she's going.

Honestly, I'd book a different campsite and take a bike if it's a bit further - or even a B&B. Otherwise you'll have the low level stress of expecting her to turn up the whole time. I bet she cancels anyway once she realises you won't be staying at the same place.

Not sure if someone's already posted but this has just come up on my Facebook feed posted by mumsnet. Given how identifying it is, you may no longer need to have the convo if she sees it but at least all your responses have been kind and considerate towards her.

That's always a worry now. Does everyone see Mumsnet Facebook posts or just mumsnetters?

I really like this. I think Agnes would have to be every bit as appalling as some pps think she is to not take it on board and leave the OP in peace. It's a powerful 'me' statement that takes responsibility for one's own needs and doesn't turn the situation into an exposition about how needy, socially clueless and selfish the other party is. She may be all of those things, she may not, but what matters is the effect on the OP of having her solitude and privacy invaded. If the other woman is at all reasonable, she won't want to upset someone who treated her so kindly last year and will treat this statement as an assertion of a perfectly fair boundary - and one she might need to lay down herself one day.

I've just checked and I've not even liked/followed the page so think it's maybe been shared as an ad by the algorithms because I do come on this page or something. We went to gran canaria on Friday, it was raining when we arrived and my husband said we'd maybe have been better in Liverpool (we are from Scotland) literally 10 seconds later my phone gave me a pull down notification for the weather in Liverpool.

This thread shows how badly people deal with simple conflict of needs, with so many suggestions of lose-lose tactics. Just tell her to fuck off, just tell her no, don't give any explanation, make a dig about having to host her last year (i.e. shut down any chance of conversation). Or just keep fobbing her off, put the blinds down, act like you're about to go out any time you see her approaching, she'll get the message eventually. Or miss the festival altogether, stay in a different campsite and walk 20 minutes in the rain. All leading to negative outcome for both the OP and the colleague. Explaining the situation kindly and clearly to the colleague now means the OP meets her own needs and gives the colleague the chance to cancel or make other plans if she needs to. Why do people play games that are both unkind and make everyone's life harder?

OP, you’re the one who painted this woman as a cheeky fucker. What else did you mean when you said things like below? The language you use to describe her is not that of someone sympathising with ‘a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own’.

She would ‘eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty.’

Or ‘the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm.’

And ‘I'd be prepping dinner and 'help' me while they had a cup of hot chocolate. And when I'm just cooking pasta and throwing in some sauce, and there's a hungry little girl watching and her mum doesn't appear to have plans for their dinner...’