Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

You are being a wimp
Don't involve other people.

Just say I understand you are going to Hay - I really value my time there alone so, it is nice you are going but I like to keep work and holidays separate.

Yes, this. It's not just an arbitrary camping holiday!
Plus, why on earth should the OP have to mess up her own plans just because some CF won't leave her alone?

Say a friend is coming with you this year.

What an imaginary friend that is invisible?

What kind of feminist would you say you are, telling a lonely single mum of your acquaintance, struggling to make the best of their first time camping in less than ideal weather, to fuck off?

I agree you don't need to tell her to fuck off, @Craquedechevalier - telling her firmly that this is your alone time, and you need it to recharge should do the trick. But it will need to be firm and clear, and if she doesn't listen, and leave you alone, you may have to be even more direct.

If you are so sympathetic to her situation, why have you started this thread?

And not sure what being a feminist has to do with anything 🤔 maybe you're conflating feminist with the #bekind wimps

Do the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ talk. Tell her you NEED to be alone a vast part of the time. It’s just a thing you have to do. Of all the people in the world she’s the loveliest, sunniest, most sociably pleasant person ever, and her daughter is utterly adorable BUT you just CANT be around other people that much. It’s entirely a you thing and it applies to ALL visitors. You can’t help it you’ve always been like that. You’ll never change. It makes you exhausted/stressed/ etc etc to be with anyone else in your van. She can’t really argue with that and she can’t take it personally. Remember to be generously complimentary about her and her daughter though so she can’t possibly misconstrue and think it’s a personal rejection.

"If you're so sympathetic to her situation, why have you started this thread?"

Maybe she hoped for some measured advice from adult women who understand that she doesn't want to offend her colleague? It really is an awkward situation...for real, not just bluster on mumsnet.

There have been some really good posts and a lot of dross as well.

I’d see her once but then always be busy - answer the door to her whilst pretending to be on your mobile etc and if she persists just say I’ve got a really busy schedule this week but it was nice to run in to you

I think you can just be honest and it sounds like you’ll be ok doing that.

no need for hostilities, just say you’re going yourself because you value the time away and it’s nice she’s there too, but you’re not making any firm plans because you want to enjoy the freedom the week will bring you to recharge.

Agreed !
They are work colleagues, & if they were never work colleagues, why tell her to F off ???
Who actually would say that & like to think of themselves as a nice person !
Plenty ways of saying things & saying them nicely !!!

@RawBloomers has a good point. She imposed hugely on you last year but has made no effort to get to know you better in the ensuing months. You've got a specific purpose, which is to host them in May at Hay, in her eyes.
I hope you get all this resolved so you are still able to enjoy your week.

I think you just need to be honest and blunt sometimes, I’d understand if you were friends but your not and not everyone will get on, I think whatever you say to her she will be offended especially because she’s a single mum and will find it hard without you, so it’s better to just be honest and be seen as miserable, than to make yourself miserable. I’d also buy some window film so people can’t just peer in and see you (as long as the lights are off).

Telling someone to fuck off is vulgar and extremely unpleasant behaviour, would this be in front of the child? Lovely.

Hopefully this year will be more pleasant weather wise and she won’t knock as often. As you were so kind to host last year I can see why she would think to make contact with you again this year. I’d find it very awkward to get out of it as well- I think your plan to have the back up of a trusted work colleague sounds good, provided she takes the hint that is. If she doesn’t take the hint this year then you’ll have to be really strong and say aww Agnes I really come away for some alone time, I’m sorry and please don’t take it the wrong way but I just want to be on my own, I hope you understand.

in that case then yes make SOLIDLY clear that you are not a sad and lonely woman but someone who values and protects their solitude.....but sorry she still sounds like a thoughtless CF to me.....putting her needs ahead of yours and framing it as kindness.

the kind of feminist who was used last year and it looks like will be used again this year.

The more people play this merciless cheeky fucker number, the more sympathetic I feel towards my colleague's situation. There's a halfway spot between cheeky fuckery and complete independence — one in which a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own, but underestimated how hard it is to stay warm and keep her daughter occupied for the week and sought support from me in my nice warm van. I was apparently doing nothing as far as they were concerned: they knew me and so they looked to me for back-up.

I may be someone who likes my own company but I'm not a selfish arsehole who tells a shivering child to fuck off. (Quoting @Feministwoman [sic] there). Yes, I should have been firmer last time and by enabling them for the first couple of days while they found their feet I encouraged them to think they could rely on me every day. Lesson learned. I will definitely have the difficult conversation, face to face, with my colleague when we're back in school and reset her expectations. Yes, I think she thinks we are friends while I think we're just acquaintances. There's a mismatch. But I also recognise the stress of caring for a child 24/7 in a tent in a field in an unfamiliar place in changeable weather. I've done something similar myself and it was hard. If there'd been a colleague in a van parked nearby I'd have been looking for help too. Hats off to all the single parents out there, trying to enrich their children's lives.

Ugh, I’d hate this! You’re an introvert, she’s an extrovert, and unfortunately you need to be VERY clear about boundaries when it comes to extroverts 😂

But if she bit off more than she could chew last year, why has she booked to go camping at Hay again this year?

If you want to avoid a repeat performance of last year you do need to address this head on.

Even say something like this, "Agnes, I just wanted to have a chat to you about the camping in Hay to make sure we're on the same page. I was quite surprised to learn that you are planning to do the same thing again this year because it seemed to me like you were struggling a bit with the reality of camping last year. I helped you out by letting you shelter in my van and making you hot chocolate and the odd meal because you both looked a bit cold and wet and I felt sorry for you. But it did come at the expense of my much needed down time. It's great that you liked camping enough to want to go again, but this year I really do need to get away from it all so I just wanted to make sure that this year you're planning to be a bit more independent and will be able to sort out your own meals and hot drinks etc even if the weather isn't great. I don't know if perhaps you thought I was lonely and would welcome some company, but honestly nothing could be further from the truth. I have a very busy life 51 weeks a year and my trip to Hay each year is my little treat to myself. It's where I go to have some alone time, recharge my batteries and read my book in peace, away from family life and other people. I didn't really get that last year because we hung out every day, and honestly, it was too much for me. I have nothing against you and your daughter, but this year I want to make sure that if it's cold or wet I'm not going to hear a knock on my door every time I happen to be in there."

You're not friends, you're acquaintances who happen to work together. So a slightly awkward conversation well in advance of Hay seems like a small price to pay to save your holiday. Because it seems pretty clear that if you don't say anything there will be a repeat performance of last year, and you still won't feel able to look at her and her daughter's hopeful faces and say, "No hot chocolate today, I'm really enjoying chapter 37 of my book."

They were camping at a festival, not hiking in the arctic, if she's not equipped for camping/the weather then she needs a rethink

@MissScarletInTheBallroom I think you must have missed:
I will definitely have the difficult conversation, face to face, with my colleague when we're back in school and reset her expectations.
in the middle of the post that you quoted. And this bit too:
Yes, I think she thinks we are friends while I think we're just acquaintances.

I think I'm going to leave the thread now and go and enjoy the Easter holiday while I can. Thanks to all those who offered empathetic and thoughtful/ nuanced advice: I've taken note.

While I agree that telling colleagues to fuck off is a bad idea, a few thoughts:

• Feminism is the belief in and advocacy for gender equality, particularly in terms of social, political, and economic rights for women. It has nothing to do with being ‘nice’ or allowing other women to take advantage of you.
• Nothing you’ve said about this woman would indicate that she’s lonely. She clearly thinks you are the lonely one.
• The running theme in a lot of your comments seems to be that you think asserting yourself and your boundaries is somehow selfish or cruel or unkind. You’ve used emotive language like ‘shivering child’ and ‘lonely woman’. You’ve come up with a plan that involves another colleague dropping hints.
• In reality, it’s very simple. You’re entitled to want time to yourself - there’s nothing untoward or unkind about it. You say ‘no, I’d rather be on my own’ and are direct about it…and she goes about her business. She’ll be fine. Her child will be fine. You’ll have done nothing wrong and nothing terrible will happen.

An idea : Tell your colleague you will be using your free time during the event to take a much needed course/qualification. If they knock on your van door, open the door with an iPad in hand while wearing headphones and gesticulate 'this isn't a good time - I'm in the middle of a zoom/learning session. You can actually be reading your Kindle :-)
Make it quite clear before the event your will be needing and are looking forward to finally being able to complete this qualification/course/language learning.
Good luck :-)

If you couldn't manage to convey that you prefer a solo holiday last year, I very much doubt you will do so prior to or during this year's hell-iday.

She's not just a cheery person. She's an imposing boundary invader, who no doubt has grasped you are a wet lettuce. Hence all the assumptions, demands and expectations, and the night out with your baby sitting services organised prior to asking you if you wouldn't mind.