Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

[Craquedechevalier]

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

Frankly, given what you've described, yes I think you need to be VERY firm

.

I totally get the posts saying being blunt etc but you do have to work with this cf.
mid probably go down the route of saying ‘we’ll actually I have picked up a lot of volunteering roles this year and any time in the van I’ll be trying to wind down- but I’ll pop by if I get a free minute. Enjoy your holiday’

You’ve got no option but a kind firm “I need my space it’s not personal look I’m not even with my own family” cringe conversation. Lying and hiding won’t work and will put you on edge all week.

She will be coming at this from an entirely different place I don’t think hints or hiding will work here.

Just to add. People like this really piss me off how blind and inconsiderate they are to what other people might want.
i feel for you op she’s ruining your escape nest and your me time.

You need to have about 10 answers ready to be saying ‘no’ to her.

prepare to stand your ground and possibly upset her.

yanbu though- it’s your holiday too.

You are just going to have to say “sorry I’m busy , enjoy the festival but I don’t have time to socialise I’m afraid. “ And shut the door. And repeat. What’s the worst she can say? That you were too busy to feed her and babysit her child?

You do have to work with her but so what? If she plays up go to HR and tell them everything! What a nightmare.

You were very kind last year, too kind. She waited for handouts, squash, hot chocolate, dinner (!) and ruined your peace and quiet. You may be correct that she assumes you are a lonely older woman and she is somehow brightening your day. But all the handouts she cadged from you, and lack of reciprocation (not once bringing a takeout) indicate that she's also a semi-deliberate CF. The fact that she's telling your other colleagues that you 'saved' them, seems to be an attempt to box you in so that you cannot refuse to continue to service them as you did last year. More CF-ery. You are right to be wary that she will expect you to aquiesce and care for her and for her daughter again this year in your cozy campervan.

Does your camper van have sheer privacy curtains? They would let in the light, and still obscure the occupant (yourself) from view. Sheer privacy curtains with a 'Do not Disturb' sign would help create some ambiguity around whether you are available or not. When they bang on the windows consider ignoring them--(I know this is very hard to do as a civilized person). When you speak to her ahead of time, perhaps you could let her know that you are taking on more project work during this period, and will simply not be available this year since you will have no downtime. Your other colleague can reiterate and reinforce this, "Agnes is a taking on more project work this year and needs quiet and privacy (in addition to the curmudgeon messaging you've laid out) this year, she simply won't have any time or energy to spare for anything beyond her volunteer work and project work." You are wise to both speak to CF directly, and then reiterate the message via your friend in her department.

Do you think it might help to let your your colleague know that she can hire a campervan if she wishes? "I will be busier and need more quiet and privacy this year, and simply won't have time. As you plan for this year, you might consider renting your own campervan as mine will not be available at all this year. I will be need the space to focus and concentrate on my work". You can make this sound nicer if you need to, but you get the drift.
https://indiecampers.co.uk/campervan-hire/united-kingdom

I understand you don't want to tell a colleague to F off, and want to avoid being completely direct, but from everything you've laid out, she's somewhat willingfully blind to your hints. You 'reluctantly' helped them set up their tent, they expected to poke around your campervan and refused to leave. Colleague bought a ticket to an event before asking you to watch her child. The two of them come for squash. Then hot chocolate while you cook. Then you're making pasta for your dinner and the colleague doesn't have a dinner plan for her dd and she's staring with hungry eyes... You're either going to have to have a more direct conversation, or going to have to be much more pointed to preserve your boundaries--or both.

You are not at all unreasonable for taking steps to avoid the same dynamic this year. You are also not unreasonable to avoid telling colleague to F off since you'll need to work with her in the same school. However you can also be much much more firm about creating and maintaining boundaries without resorting to 'F off', and be completely and utterly in the right.

A do not disturb sign on the door sounds like a good idea and when she knocks you can ask Oh did my do not disturb sign fall off?
Or when you say goodbye to her after the first time they come in you could say okay I need my rest tonight so I won't see you until tomorrow evening when you are welcome to come over for a drink. That would get you out of one afternoon/evening and another morning and afternoon and then you just arrange more delayed times for them to pop in?

I think it will be a bit difficult to get them to stay away after you helped them, let them in and etcetera so many times last year. You'll have to be extra firm.

Your plan to tell her ahead of time that you won't be available to her and her child this time because you need the time to yourself to unwind and get other things done is great.

My opinion differs from some of the others about the "meeting with her once or twice" though. I would not meet with her at all because it seems like she is not great with boundaries and getting hints (or just doesn't want to be). Therefore, I think that meeting with her at all would be sending a mixed message.

Saying the message once may not be enough. You'll need to stand firm on it and be prepared to back up your words. Don't let her get away with, "Well, we'll just come by when..." Don't chat with them, don't let them in and don't help them with their problems.

I think it's necessary to be very firm with people who tend to overstep. You barely even know these people. You don't need to have anything to do with them. Enjoy YOUR trip! :)

Of course most people aren’t in the habit of telling work colleagues to fuck off. But most people don’t have work colleagues imposing their 7 year old child on them when they’re on holiday and cadging free food and drink. You’re worried about how she’ll see you when you go back to work but what do you think she’s going to do even if you did tell her to fuck off? Is she part of the SLT or something (which would make her actions last year pretty outrageous on a professional level)? She was incredibly rude to you and it hasn’t ruined your working relationship. She wasn’t bothered about seeing you at work again after using you for a week. Why are you concerned about seeing her at work after not letting her walk all over you? She doesn’t have to like you to work iin the same school as you.

And, of course, you don’t have to use that particular phrase if you aren’t comfortable with it. The point is to speak to her in a way she will respect - in the sense of acquiesce to, not admire.

I would not include your work friend for back up, though. I think it might come across to "the intruder" that you're talking about her behind her back. So I could see that possibly causing more problems than it solves.

If you can't have a face to face conversation with her where you tell her what you've told us (it's your week, for you, doing exactly what you want to do) then I've got to say - find a different campsite, book that and take the financial hit and block her on your phone for that week. You might bump into her during the festival and you can play that as you wish (be hard/be abrupt or relent and be nice) but not being straight with her from the outset now is going to lead to regret later (when you won't have control of the situation in which you'll need to tell her straight how you feel and that means things could go pear shaped then and longer term once back at school).

You've got to be straight with her now to her face (it doesn't need to be long-winded) imo. Take her aside, explain how important this week is to you and say you're not going to have time to see her really, during the week. Tell her in a reasonable tone. And if she starts getting the hump or riled or affronted just literally say to her 'this is why that week is so important to me' and walk away. Then you can choose your mood if you see her at the festival.

Use the word "no". or "no thankyou I'm having ME time."

You have described me to a tee. It's exhausting sometimes! Can I ask how you overcame this and became better at saying no?

Op, you could always print this thread off and leave it lying around in the staff room….Seriously, you are going to have to say something, otherwise it will be a repeat of last year and you will end up feeling even more resentful, and with your peaceful week spoiled. It’s a literary festival - perhaps you will be doing a bit of writing yourself so you won’t be able to cope with interruptions? Whatever you decide to say, you’ll have to be firm, because CF colleague will try to take advantage again - why wouldn’t she, when you were such a pushover last time? I’d set the boundaries well before the festival, if that’s possible.

Is the campsite large? I don't suppose you could repaint your campervan, or get some really garish decals that would make it seem completely different?

Genuinely, I think you might have to be really clear, but nonpersonal. So something like "I'm really glad you enjoyed it last year. But I go to Hay because it gives me a chance to get away from everything and everyone I know and just enjoy the atmosphere. I really cherish that alone time, so I hope you'll understand when I keep myself to myself this year."

This.

To my mind, she isn’t just a cheery, friendly person. She sounds like she has a very limited ability to detect social cues and had no qualms about imposing herself, to the detriment of the person she’s latched on to.
You're going to have to be exceptionally blunt and direct to the point of hurting her feelings. If you’re not, she’ll work around what you say and you’ll end up babysitting her again.
Rude of her daughter to ask for squash, I thought. Didn’t mum tell her off for that?

This would make a good short story. Probably told from the girl's point of view as she comes to understand what her mother was like.

I’d say, I’m glad you’re better equipped this time and know what to expect. I have a lot organised as this is my special week of the year for myself and even DH and DC don’t get to come along. So I’m happy you’re better prepared and hope you have a lovely week but I won’t have time to hang out.

Could you tell her this.
Agnes just so you know, this year I won't be able to host you at all in my van, I want to be able to have me time away from everything.
I am glad my being there last year gave you a great introduction to the festival, but this year can we just wave as we pass and leave it at that.
We can talk when we are back at work.

Just tell her the truth- you go to ge on your own. You dont want company. You are deliberately not taking your husband or children or a friend. You want time on your own reading and recharging when you’re not working. You hope she and daughter enjoy themselves but she shld not rely on you for company for any part of her holiday

I see this thread has made it to Facebook and who knows where else. She might see it or someone else might who knows her might.

Get this taken down and just speak to her.